Marc the Smark
06-01-2004, 01:38 PM
It isn't "fake"
Are movies fake? Are soap operas fake? Is a magic show fake? No, no, and no. Likewise, neither is professional wrestling, Sports Entertainment. Not in the way people think.
First Law Of Referees
Anyone can be a referee as long as they have been given the shirt.
Second Law Of Referees
If a referee has made contact with a wrestler, even if it isn't exactly a wrestling move, even if the wrestler accidentally bumped into the referee, the referee will be knocked out for an extended amount of time.
Third Law Of Referees
In any tag match, if a tag team is about to deliver a top-rope headbutt to the groin of another wrestler, the referee will never see it. He'll either:
a)Be checking on the other hurt tag team wrestler
b)Breaking up a fight at the outside of the ring
c)Be distracted by the opposing team's manager (who is frantically telling him to turn around)
d)Be unconcious
Fourth Law Of Referees
While the referee will always tell a wrestler never to hit with a closed fist, they will never disqualify a wrestler who continually defies the referee and hits with a closed fist.
Fifth Law Of Referees
In a tag team match, faces are not allowed into the ring unless the ref has seen the tag. However, heels can enter and re-enter the ring as long as they've made a loud clapping sound and swear they've made the tag.
The Subtle Challenge
If a wrestler/suit ends a promo with "There is nobody who can (beat me, stop me, etc), someone will come out and attack them.
Jobber's Obligation
If a wrestler normally seen on Heat/Velocity comes to the ring with no prior explanation, they'll either be beaten to a pulp before they make it to the ring or 1 minute after they enter the ring.
A Woman's Worth
If a male heel hits a woman, he's a sick and twisted man. If a male face hits a woman, she:
a)"had it coming"
b)interjected herself in a match
c)will not drink herself stupid on command
d)is very muscular, in which case she is deemed "ugly" and lose 95% of the male announcer's sympathy
Jim Ross's Little Santa
Midgets love to sit on JR's lap.
The "Return" Adulation
If a heel or face main event wrestler gets injured and takes more than 3 months off, he will return as a face and the crowd will cheer him.
Tommy Dreamer Charity Clause
If you're ever eating at a WWE restaurant and you see Tommy Dreamer, remember to tip him when he cleans your table.
Behaviour Reversal
If a heel makes a face turn, all the other faces will act coldly toward him due to his heelish history. If a face makes a heel turn, all the other heels will absolutely love him and welcome him with open arms.
Target : Old Women
If you are a woman who is 50 years or older, you will either
a)Be a victim of attempted rape by Eric Bischoff
b)Attempt to rape Eric Bischoff against his will
Target : McMahons
If you're a woman who's last name is McMahon, you will eventually make out with Eric Bischoff.
Target : Young Women
If you're a young woman and accept a match with Eric Bischoff, the stipulations will be:
a)If you win, you get a shot at the Women's Championship.
b)If you lose, you'll be fired or have to spend a night with Eric Bischoff.
The Young Woman's Revenge
In the aforementioned match, Eric Bischoff will always win. However, you won't ever have to fulfill your end of the bargain because:
a)an authority figure of equal or greater power will reverse the decision and probably find a way to make Bischoff's life a whole lot worse
b)A male wrestler will somehow get your job back. That male wrestler either will give you his heart (which you will break) or smack you around, in which case you will fall head over heels in love with him.
"I'm not a prostitute, I'm a sexual therapist"
Divas will come into the ring and strip for the crowd without shame. However, if they lose a bra and panties match, they will cover up and run away embarrassed.
The Rematch Interpretation
If a champion tells a challenger right after a PPV title match that there will "be no rematch," he really means "there will be a rematch at the next PPV."
The Rematch Obligation
The aforementioned match will always either contain an extra stipulation, a gimmick match of some sort, or another wrestler who happens to be the real #1 contender to the title.
"It wasn't on the job description"
No matter what happens, the cameraman will never help anyone that blatantly needs help. The 53-year old CEO of the WWE could be about to be raped and the cameraman will stand stoically, recording every minute of it. Kind of like a bizzaro world R. Kelly.
Announcer's Folly
If an announcer guesses a mystery wrestler's identity, the chances of it actually being that person are 0%.
Advertiser's Disgrace
If a wrestler is wearing a shirt featuring the logo of the upcoming PPV, that wrestler will never be seen at that PPV.
Fish Out Of Water
If a former Cruiserweight Champion on Smackdown decides to switch over to RAW, they will be pushed for a total of two shows and then forgotten about for the rest of their careers.
The Bizarro Music Generation
If you're a black rapping wrestler, you will be a jobber.
If you're a white rapping wrestler, you will be a main eventer.
Hey, I know you! (Face Rule)
In every pro wrestling promotion, you will meet at least three of these obligatory face characters:
a) The cruiserweight underdog who never fights other cruiserweights. He constantly is put into matches with guys much bigger than him to get the crowd to cheer for him. This never works because the underdog ends up looking like a total wuss by either running away, getting his ass handed to him, or winning because his opponent's sworn enemy/jilted female ex-manager interfered in the match.
b) The abused, saddened female manager who always does her best to ensure her clients lose. For whatever reason, her clients continually bring her into matches with them despite costing them the match every single time. This manager eventually is freed by a face authority figure and, for some reason proceeds to do all the slutty things she refused to do when she was with her clients.
c) The interviewer that never makes it out of an interview without being ridiculed and embarrassed. This usually is the ambiguously gay announer with the frosted hair that has been on TV for less than a year.
d) The wrestler who has an incredible win-loss record by the end of a year, yet is still considered a midcarder. (see: Booker T 2003 Records - Wins : 28, Loss : 5)
e) The big muscular wrestler with zero people skills and doesn't give a crap about anyone else but himself, and is only classified as a face because they are the lead opposition to the top heel.
f) The play by play announcer who gets beat up on time and time again by angry heels, usually after they had just lost a crucial match. For some reason, the crowd always cheers while this announcer is being decimated.
g) The jobber that comes to the main show once in a while solely to get his ass kicked.
Hey, I know you! (Heel Rule)
Likewise, in every wrestling promotion you will meet at least three of these obligatory heel characters:
a) The heel authority figure who either never fires whatever wrestler is giving them hell, or fires that wrestler only to have their decision reversed by an authority figure with greater power. Along with this decision reversal, the wrestler either gets a title shot at the next PPV, or becomes a face authority figure with equal power as the heel authority figure.
b) The heel authority figure's right hand man who's incompetence eventually gets him fired by the heel authority figure. For some reason, no higher power decides to intervene in this decision.
c) The big scary monster that over time is taught what it means to really care about other people.
d) The wrestler-turned-color commentator that describes every move as "I've been in that move, and let me tell you, it hurts."
During The Break...
If a wrestler comes out to the ring without entrance music or during the commercial break, that wrestler will not only lose the match, but chances are the fans won't care.
Survivor Series Vulnerability
If a wrestler is wrestling in a Survivor Series-style match, minor moves that normally would be kicked out of at two (small packages, superkicks) automatically become twice as deadly. Probably from everyone being lazy after Thanksgiving dinner.
Royal Rumble No Middle Ground Clause
In order to win the Royal Rumble, one must either draw a seemingly impossible number (#1-#5) or a reasonably good number (#20-#29). Anyone drawing #6-#19 or #30 will automatically lose the match, unless the person's name is Shawn Michaels and the year is 1996.
King Of The Ring Inordinance
No match at a King Of The Ring PPV will ever be as good as it should have been.
A Vicious Cycle
The main event of the next PPV can be predicted with 90% accuracy by watching only the last five minutes of the RAW / Smackdown immediately following the last PPV.
Commercials on Raw
The Main Event match will always be interrupted by at least one commercial break. Why this is necessary, and why they can't show the commercials sooner, I have no idea.
Feedback is welcome :wave:
Are movies fake? Are soap operas fake? Is a magic show fake? No, no, and no. Likewise, neither is professional wrestling, Sports Entertainment. Not in the way people think.
First Law Of Referees
Anyone can be a referee as long as they have been given the shirt.
Second Law Of Referees
If a referee has made contact with a wrestler, even if it isn't exactly a wrestling move, even if the wrestler accidentally bumped into the referee, the referee will be knocked out for an extended amount of time.
Third Law Of Referees
In any tag match, if a tag team is about to deliver a top-rope headbutt to the groin of another wrestler, the referee will never see it. He'll either:
a)Be checking on the other hurt tag team wrestler
b)Breaking up a fight at the outside of the ring
c)Be distracted by the opposing team's manager (who is frantically telling him to turn around)
d)Be unconcious
Fourth Law Of Referees
While the referee will always tell a wrestler never to hit with a closed fist, they will never disqualify a wrestler who continually defies the referee and hits with a closed fist.
Fifth Law Of Referees
In a tag team match, faces are not allowed into the ring unless the ref has seen the tag. However, heels can enter and re-enter the ring as long as they've made a loud clapping sound and swear they've made the tag.
The Subtle Challenge
If a wrestler/suit ends a promo with "There is nobody who can (beat me, stop me, etc), someone will come out and attack them.
Jobber's Obligation
If a wrestler normally seen on Heat/Velocity comes to the ring with no prior explanation, they'll either be beaten to a pulp before they make it to the ring or 1 minute after they enter the ring.
A Woman's Worth
If a male heel hits a woman, he's a sick and twisted man. If a male face hits a woman, she:
a)"had it coming"
b)interjected herself in a match
c)will not drink herself stupid on command
d)is very muscular, in which case she is deemed "ugly" and lose 95% of the male announcer's sympathy
Jim Ross's Little Santa
Midgets love to sit on JR's lap.
The "Return" Adulation
If a heel or face main event wrestler gets injured and takes more than 3 months off, he will return as a face and the crowd will cheer him.
Tommy Dreamer Charity Clause
If you're ever eating at a WWE restaurant and you see Tommy Dreamer, remember to tip him when he cleans your table.
Behaviour Reversal
If a heel makes a face turn, all the other faces will act coldly toward him due to his heelish history. If a face makes a heel turn, all the other heels will absolutely love him and welcome him with open arms.
Target : Old Women
If you are a woman who is 50 years or older, you will either
a)Be a victim of attempted rape by Eric Bischoff
b)Attempt to rape Eric Bischoff against his will
Target : McMahons
If you're a woman who's last name is McMahon, you will eventually make out with Eric Bischoff.
Target : Young Women
If you're a young woman and accept a match with Eric Bischoff, the stipulations will be:
a)If you win, you get a shot at the Women's Championship.
b)If you lose, you'll be fired or have to spend a night with Eric Bischoff.
The Young Woman's Revenge
In the aforementioned match, Eric Bischoff will always win. However, you won't ever have to fulfill your end of the bargain because:
a)an authority figure of equal or greater power will reverse the decision and probably find a way to make Bischoff's life a whole lot worse
b)A male wrestler will somehow get your job back. That male wrestler either will give you his heart (which you will break) or smack you around, in which case you will fall head over heels in love with him.
"I'm not a prostitute, I'm a sexual therapist"
Divas will come into the ring and strip for the crowd without shame. However, if they lose a bra and panties match, they will cover up and run away embarrassed.
The Rematch Interpretation
If a champion tells a challenger right after a PPV title match that there will "be no rematch," he really means "there will be a rematch at the next PPV."
The Rematch Obligation
The aforementioned match will always either contain an extra stipulation, a gimmick match of some sort, or another wrestler who happens to be the real #1 contender to the title.
"It wasn't on the job description"
No matter what happens, the cameraman will never help anyone that blatantly needs help. The 53-year old CEO of the WWE could be about to be raped and the cameraman will stand stoically, recording every minute of it. Kind of like a bizzaro world R. Kelly.
Announcer's Folly
If an announcer guesses a mystery wrestler's identity, the chances of it actually being that person are 0%.
Advertiser's Disgrace
If a wrestler is wearing a shirt featuring the logo of the upcoming PPV, that wrestler will never be seen at that PPV.
Fish Out Of Water
If a former Cruiserweight Champion on Smackdown decides to switch over to RAW, they will be pushed for a total of two shows and then forgotten about for the rest of their careers.
The Bizarro Music Generation
If you're a black rapping wrestler, you will be a jobber.
If you're a white rapping wrestler, you will be a main eventer.
Hey, I know you! (Face Rule)
In every pro wrestling promotion, you will meet at least three of these obligatory face characters:
a) The cruiserweight underdog who never fights other cruiserweights. He constantly is put into matches with guys much bigger than him to get the crowd to cheer for him. This never works because the underdog ends up looking like a total wuss by either running away, getting his ass handed to him, or winning because his opponent's sworn enemy/jilted female ex-manager interfered in the match.
b) The abused, saddened female manager who always does her best to ensure her clients lose. For whatever reason, her clients continually bring her into matches with them despite costing them the match every single time. This manager eventually is freed by a face authority figure and, for some reason proceeds to do all the slutty things she refused to do when she was with her clients.
c) The interviewer that never makes it out of an interview without being ridiculed and embarrassed. This usually is the ambiguously gay announer with the frosted hair that has been on TV for less than a year.
d) The wrestler who has an incredible win-loss record by the end of a year, yet is still considered a midcarder. (see: Booker T 2003 Records - Wins : 28, Loss : 5)
e) The big muscular wrestler with zero people skills and doesn't give a crap about anyone else but himself, and is only classified as a face because they are the lead opposition to the top heel.
f) The play by play announcer who gets beat up on time and time again by angry heels, usually after they had just lost a crucial match. For some reason, the crowd always cheers while this announcer is being decimated.
g) The jobber that comes to the main show once in a while solely to get his ass kicked.
Hey, I know you! (Heel Rule)
Likewise, in every wrestling promotion you will meet at least three of these obligatory heel characters:
a) The heel authority figure who either never fires whatever wrestler is giving them hell, or fires that wrestler only to have their decision reversed by an authority figure with greater power. Along with this decision reversal, the wrestler either gets a title shot at the next PPV, or becomes a face authority figure with equal power as the heel authority figure.
b) The heel authority figure's right hand man who's incompetence eventually gets him fired by the heel authority figure. For some reason, no higher power decides to intervene in this decision.
c) The big scary monster that over time is taught what it means to really care about other people.
d) The wrestler-turned-color commentator that describes every move as "I've been in that move, and let me tell you, it hurts."
During The Break...
If a wrestler comes out to the ring without entrance music or during the commercial break, that wrestler will not only lose the match, but chances are the fans won't care.
Survivor Series Vulnerability
If a wrestler is wrestling in a Survivor Series-style match, minor moves that normally would be kicked out of at two (small packages, superkicks) automatically become twice as deadly. Probably from everyone being lazy after Thanksgiving dinner.
Royal Rumble No Middle Ground Clause
In order to win the Royal Rumble, one must either draw a seemingly impossible number (#1-#5) or a reasonably good number (#20-#29). Anyone drawing #6-#19 or #30 will automatically lose the match, unless the person's name is Shawn Michaels and the year is 1996.
King Of The Ring Inordinance
No match at a King Of The Ring PPV will ever be as good as it should have been.
A Vicious Cycle
The main event of the next PPV can be predicted with 90% accuracy by watching only the last five minutes of the RAW / Smackdown immediately following the last PPV.
Commercials on Raw
The Main Event match will always be interrupted by at least one commercial break. Why this is necessary, and why they can't show the commercials sooner, I have no idea.
Feedback is welcome :wave: