The Smackdown (Spoof News Predictions from 1998): How far off was I???

[NeanderCarl]

Back in late 1998/early 1999, possibly inspired by an old spoof wrestling news site called ScoopTHIS!, I decided to start writing a spoof newsletter... set in the future!

Well, that future was the year 2006, and as we are now in 2006, I decided to take a look at this long-since forgotten newsletter, to see how off the mark I truly was (and how childish I must have been back in 1998).

So, to much critisism I'm guessing (especially as I seemed to revel in reporting wrestler deaths back then, sadly some of which have come true), I will now post all the old editions of The Smackdown Newsletter, unedited, just as I originally wrote them. It picks up from March, and yes, I know the dates are inaccurate but who really cares?? Oh, and when I wrote this, WCW was still a force to be reckoned with.

Drumroll please.....

Edition 1 of the weekly Smackdown Newsletter.

MARCH


In news from the last four editions of WWF Monday Night Impact;

February 24th:
Making his return to the WWF, John Layfield, formerly known as Bradshaw, defeated King Droz. John seemed to be portraying a down-and-out gimmick, which will never get him over. If John ever wants to be a serious contender again, he must revert to his natural babyface persona, which made him a main eventer before he moved to WCW three years ago... Oscar Junior (Oscar Gonzalez Guiterrez, formerly Rey Misterio Jr.) tasted defeat at the hands of debutant Hellfyre... Brian Christopher attacked former tag team partner Devon Storm with a fish slice, after Storm's shock victory over Christopher's alleged son, Little Christopher (Jay Reso), setting up their match at WrestleMania... Tag Champion D'Lo Brown defeated Scott Taylor by DQ when their respective partners, Hardcore Holly and Test, interfered... Main event time, and Paul Wight mauled Mark Henry, after The Undertaker smashed Henry with a shovel wrapped in barbed-wire. After the match, The 'Taker unveiled the Pit which will be used for the Taker and Henry's WM bout. Henry broke down and cried blood. I guess that's Undertaker for ya.

March 3rd:
Dirt Byke Kid demonstrated his bike riding abilities by running over The Big Bossman.... For the second week running, Junior was upset by Hellfyre... Michael Cole beat up Todd Pettengill.... Dr. Death Steve Williams made his re-emergence to the WWF, under a new postman gimmick. He is called The Mailman, and he mails letters to his beaten opponents by posting the envelopes into the crack in their butts. His finisher is the 'Knock', which The Mailman always performs twice. (The Mailman always knocks twice, anyone?) He pinned Gangrel in a laughing stock of a match, after which Gangrel 'quit' the WWF. (Yeah, right!).... In the main event, Paul Wight chokeslammed Al Snow to victory. During the match, Snow was seen to urinate inside his wrestling outfit, to much surprise.

March 10th:
The Mailman, continuing his winning ways, beat Dirt Byke Kid. After the match, Mailman went on strike... In the last match for The Legion Of Doom before Roadwarrior Hawk's firing, they defeated The Mucky Pupz... Mark Henry claimed to be suffering from severe headaches after the shovel smashing incident. He then proceeded to throw up some concrete. Don't you just love The Undertaker and his ways?... Chris Jericho was pasted by Michael Cole, who seems to be trying his hand at the wrestling business as a heel.... In the main event, Mankind came out of retirement for one night to defeat The Rock following interference from Wight.

March 17th:
Animal, in his debut as a solo wrestler, defeated Little Christopher. I haven't got a clue what persona Animal is taking on, but during the match, he kept twitching and shrieking. Maybe he's got Parkinson's Disease!.... Brian Christopher and Edge defeated Val Venis and Devon Storm when Christopher threw a plate of chips at Val, allowing Edge to pin him... Oscar Junior announced he would put his WrestleMania title shot on the line against Hellfyre, and consequently lost it when Hellfyre pinned him for the third time.... Taylor and Test beat The Mucky Pupz and The Lo Down, when the Pupz turned heel on D'Lo and Holly.... Mark Henry was attacked by The Minions, and the Undertaker threw him in a tub of gunge.... Chris Jericho was attacked by a fan, who nailed Droz in the knee with a chair, knocking him out of WrestleMania, and then unmasked to be revealed as the returning Stone Cold Steve Austin, who hit a couple of Stunners on Jericho... Triple H beat Al Snow and Paul Wight in a Triple Threat, when The Rock nailed all three with a giant fish tank. The Rock then injured his back attempting The Rock Bottom on Wight, and Al Snow nailed him with The New Head.....


The current line-up for WrestleMania XXII on March 23rd, features: Brian Christopher .vs. Devon Storm; Val Venis .vs. European Champion Edge; Light Heavyweight Champion Dirt Byke Kid .vs. Hellfyre (replacing Oscar Junior); Tag Team Champions The Lo Down (D'Lo and Bob Holly) .vs. Scott Taylor and Test, who are now known as Cancer; The Undertaker .vs. Mark Henry in a Pit match; the returning Stone Cold Steve Austin (replacing Droz) .vs. Chris Jericho for Jericho's Intercontinental Title; Triple H .vs. Al Snow; the main event, WWF Champion Paul Wight .vs. The Rock, with the winner battling the winner of the 16-man, one night tournament in the final contest. The tournament will be drawn on the night.
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IN OTHER NEWS: A few unfortunate deaths to report; Former WWF champ The Ultimate Warrior was crushed by a whale whilst visiting an aquatic theme park recently. He was 56.... Also, Jim Neidhart and his former Hart Foundation manager Jimmy Hart killed each other in a fight which, from what we can gather, was over a seat, which The Anvil had vacated only minutes earlier, and Jimmy had taken possession of, at an airport. The fight spilled onto the runway, where The Anvil threw Hart over a nearby cliff. As the smug Anvil laughed at the puny manager's screams, he became incensed to realise that his beard had become caught up in Hart's stringy hair, and Neidhart was dragged over too. Plus, The One Man Gang committed suicide, leaving the following letter: "Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. I'm big and fat and ugly and want to die." The Gang's (George Gray) peers can't think of any reason why he may want to kill himself. In a tribute, former tag team partner The Big Bossman, said "When we were The Twin Towers, I carried that fat prick. I'm glad he's gone. I hated him". Gray was obviously a respected wrestler, and a fine man, if a little overweight.... Firings now, and apparently Roadwarrior Hawk broke down and wept upon hearing the news the WWF was terminating his contract, to let Animal go it alone as a solo star... The WWF has expressed concern over X-Pac's huge weight gain. X-Pac (Sean Waltman) has gained 300lbs over the past few years, and is barely mobile. He will be sent to a health farm.... The WWF wants to steal Bill Goldberg from WCW, just so they can throw rotten fruit at him at each Impact and Pay-Per-View show. Goldberg is apparently VERY interested in the deal, which would earn him a tremendous $45m a year.... Little Christopher is apparently annoyed at the direction his career is taking and wants to return to his original Christian Cage persona.... A few wrestlers are set to be repackaged, following the success of The Mailman, including Goldust and new signing Steve Regal... Steve Austin signed a three year contract extension before returning from retirement and terminating his long standing lawsuit against the World Wrestling Federation.... See you next issue, with hopefully more news, more action and more deaths.

[NeanderCarl]

APRIL

Complete WrestleMania XXII March 23rd Report:
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* Hellfyre pinned Dirt Byke Kid for the Light Heavyweight title, when Oscar Junior destroyed the Kid with the belt. Junior and Hellfyre then hugged, revealing that this was their plan fron the start. The fans were incensed, and booed the dastardly duo out of the building. As they left, fans threw rubbish at them, and one fan threw a washing machine, which hit Junior on the nose.

* Devon Storm pinned Brian Christopher with the Stormtrooper Suplex.

* Cancer captured the tag team titles from The Lo Down when Hardcore Holly walked away after a collision with D'Lo Brown. Test then Rocket Launched Scott Taylor onto D'Lo with their new finisher, shockingly titled the 'Tumour'. The WWF is sick, sick, sick.

* Al Snow pinned Triple H in a good brawl, which ended in a derelict building near the arena, when Snow hit the Snow Plough on to a pane of glass, actually cleanly slicing off Triple H's oversized nose.

* Slyme of the Mucky Pupz pinned partner Fylth with a superplex jackhammer in a pointless bonus match.

* In another bonus match, The Hardy Boyz defeated The Big Time Drinkers

* In a real surprise, Mark Henry beat The Undertaker, throwing him down the Pit. After the match, Henry "sacrificed himself"' for his "master'" The Undertaker, jumping down the pit himself. Undertaker and Henry then clambered out and kissed, and blood squirted out from between their lips. I hate The Undertaker.

* Val Venis pinned Edge with a Money Shot, but not before turning heel on Devon Storm who accompanied him, with Edge turning face by helping Storm.

* In another unexpected result, Chris Jericho actually beat Steve Austin, albeit by DQ when Austin slammed the Smoking Skull Belt across Jericho's head. Austin then told the world he was going to be the WWF Champion before the end of the year. The groggy Jericho reacted by laughing, and got the Stone Cold Stunner for his guffaws.

* The Rock captured the WWF Title from Paul Wight with a crappy Rock Bottom in a stinker, completely dragged down by Wight, who broke his knee the previous day, and was fighting in tremendous pain.

* TOURNAMENT; ROUND ONE:
* Big Bossman .vs. King Darren Drozdov: Droz was "p*ssed off" at Austin stealing his title match, and destroyed The Bossman, with the Drozdriver.
* X-Pac .vs. The Blue Meanie: X-Pac held the weight advantage, and it led to a Big Splash victory over the cruiserweight Meanie.
* Goldust .vs. Macho Man Randy Savage: Savage persevered with a flying elbowdrop victory.
* Hulk Hogan .vs. Little Christopher: Hogan was pinned in under twenty seconds, after a clothesline knocked the old guy senseless.
* Terry Funk .vs. Magnificent Michael Cole: Michael Cole pulled off the upset victory, with a stunning Shooting Star Press from the top rope.
* Marc Mero .vs. The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels: Daniels pinned Mero with the Lavaflow.
* Layabout Layfield .vs. The Mailman: Layfield, who wrestled drunk in a urine-stained brown overcoat, succumbed to The Mailman's 'Knock'.
* Gangrel .vs. Animal: Gangrel, who as predicted didn't quit the WWF, rolled-up Animal who was too shaky to wrestle.

* ROUND TWO:
* Droz pinned X-Pac with an ugly looking Drozdriver
* Little Christopher exhausted Randy Savage in a couple of minutes and pinned him with a Haymaker punch.
* Michael Cole overcame the challenge of The Fallen Angel
* The Mailman posted Gangrel, and then went "for a kip, 'cos I was up early this mornin' deliverin' the goddamned mail!"

* SEMI FINALS:
*Droz pinned Little Christopher with a third Drozdriver in a thriller.
* Michael Cole handed Dr. Death. his first loss since he became The Mailman. Mailman, fair play, had only just woken up.

* FINALS
* Michael Cole defeated Droz with an impressive Tiger Bomb in a fantastic match.

Finally, in the second main event, Michael Cole defeated The Rock with a spectacular Twisting Firebomb 360 Suicide Splash. Maivia stood no chance. Michael Cole is your WWF World Champion and deservedly so.
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In highlights from Impact;

March 24th:

Animal, who is now shockingly known as Animal Parkinson, and suffers allegedy from Parkinson's Disease as we joked last issue, defeated The Godfather with "the Mover and Shaker". The WWF is obscene.... Michael Cole proclaimed himself the "greatest wrestler to ever walk the face of the planet Earth". A green wrestler then lowerered down from the rafters, claiming to be from the planet Mars. He challenged Cole to an Intergalactic match in the main event, and called himself The Martian Mauler. Cole accepted.... Footage was shown of a spaceship on top of the arena..... Paul Wight cried and promised his many fans that he'd never lose again. He then lost to Droz... Steve Austin was shown breaking into The White House and putting The Stone Cold Stunner on President Clinton... Val Venis threw Edge and Devon Storm into the boot of his car, took them down the beach and drove into the sea.... The Big Bossman held a heart-warming tribute to the late One Man Gang by burning a large photo of him... In the Main Event, Cole destroyed the alien.

March 31st:

The Godfather described how he hadn't slept a wink for seven years because he was so worried about his hair being chopped off as he snoozed. He was then attacked by Layabout Layfield, who took a scissors and cut off The Godfather's flowing blond locks.... Michael Cole stated that there was no-body up to meeting his challenge, and that if the mystery opponent at Huntdown wasn't up to standard, he would retire unbeaten champion... The Chauffeur (a repackaged Dustin 'Goldust' Runnels) beat Marc Mero... The Big Bossman attacked One Man Gang's widow with a nightstick, "for a laugh"... Val Venis promised that whoever got in his way would end up dead in the sea.... Steve Austin broke into the Playboy Mansion and Stunnered boss Hugh Hefner.... In the main event, Al Snow pinned Paul Wight, who fell head first, over the ropes, onto the floor, knocking himself and the front row of the audience unconscious.


April 7th:

The Godfather vowed revenge on Layfield, then stole Layfield's wallet..... The Mailman destroyed The Chauffeur.... Layfield went wild in a wine store when he discovered his wallet missing as he tried to buy alcohol. He smashed up all the bottles on the shelf, and nailed the owner with 'The Drunken Stopout' manouevre... Michael Cole promised fans that Steve Austin would not be his opponent at Huntdown, "because Austin can't cut the mustard".... Austin broke into the set of TV cookery show Ready Steady Cook, and cut up some mustard, before nailing Ainsley Harriot with a Stunner.... Layfield began crying and shaking after going Cold Turkey without a beverage for twenty minutes. The Godfather found this hilarious, and almost choked to death on a piece of hot dog as he revelled in the mirth of the situation.... Steve Regal, repackaged as a garlic salesman under the name The Fightin' Frenchman returned, beating X-Pac in a Handcuffs Match.... Layfield found some vodka in referee Earl Hebner's dressing room and downed it in one gulp. Refreshed, he then set off to beat up The Godfather... After the break, as ambulancemen loaded the breathless Godfather into an ambulance on a life support machine, Layfield attacked him with a radiator, and smashed his ankle...Val Venis threw D'Lo Brown off a cliff in Al Snow's camper van... As Layfield celebrated Godfather's injury, the wine store owner arrived at the arena and had Layfield arrested.... Main Event, and Michael Cole overcame Al Snow, The Rock, Paul Wight and Droz in a Five Corners match, pinning Droz.

April 14th:

The hype for Huntdown began with Scott Taylor of Cancer battling Mark Henry to a double DQ, then Test of Cancer battling The Undertaker to another double DQ. Both teams then brawled with each other back down the aisle, in the locker room, and out on to the streets... The Mailman destroyed The Frenchman, and Regal threw his garlic to the floor in disgrace, dissing the gimmick. He was later fired.... As The Undertaker and Mark Henry downed some beers at a bar, Cancer coincidentally walked in. There was a lot of tension until Mark Henry made some unnecessary remarks about Test's mother, which began another brawl which resulted in all four men being barred from the pub.... Jericho was attacked by Mailman after downing The Fallen Angel.... Val boasted about D'Lo Brown being the latest death on his hitlist, but D'Lo's "ghost" attacked him from behind.... The Godfather spiked Layabout Layfield's bottle of whiskey with absinthe.... Little Christopher attacked former Brood teammate Gangrel after Gangrel pinned Hardcore Holly..... Hellfyre and Oscar Junior protested for a Light Heavyweight Tag Team Title to be formed... Layfield was rushed to hospital to have his stomach pumped after downing a bottle of absinthe in one swig.... Michael Cole ordered Steve Austin's arrest, when Austin broke into 10 Downing Street and Stunnered Cherie Blair... The Rock slapped Paul Wight's broken knee with a large haddock, causing Wight great distress.... Vince McMahon returned to the cameras after a long rest, with the news that Steve Austin would be the guest referee at Huntdown, ruling out the possibility that Austin was the mystery opponent.... The Godfather pinned Paul Wight after more interference from The Rock.... Michael Cole was attacked by a familiar looking masked man, obviously the Huntdown mystery opponent.


The current line up for the next In Your House event, Huntdown: WWF Champion Michael Cole .vs. Mystery Opponent; I-C Champ Chris Jericho .vs. The Mailman; The Godfather.vs. Layabout Layfield; Animal Parkinson .vs. Droz; Mark Henry and The Undertaker .vs. Cancer for the Tag Team Titles; Paul Wight .vs. The Rock in a Loser Suspended For A Month match. (I expect Wight to lose, so that he can heal his broken knee) and Val Venis .vs. The Ghost Of D'Lo Brown.


IN OTHER NEWS: Val Venis (Sean Morely) was charged with two counts of murder when he drove Adam Copeland and Chris Ford , better known as WWF superstars Edge and Devon Storm, into the sea during an edition of Impact. Copeland and Ford's bodies were dragged up in the Florida Everglades, ironically by former WWF wrestler Skinner. Venis was ordered to say "sorry" to Copeland and Ford's bereaved family, and pay a $50 fine... Bill Goldberg decided not to sign up with the WWF after all, and accepted an offer from UK show EastEnders to take over the role of Grant Mitchell.... The WWF will pay tribute to Jim Neidhart by never mentioning his name ever again on television.... Rumour has it that former Friends star Matthew Perry has expressed interest in becoming a WWF commentator..... Former WWF manager Mr. Fuji was arrested for prostitution in early April.... The WWF is doing everything to try and get legends Haku and The Barbarian to return. Haku (Uliuli Fifita) and Barbarian (Sionne Vaihali) have had great success during their long careers... Vince McMahon may not return to our screens full time, but may return to the commentary booth... Jim Ross may retire after the King Of The Ring, set for June.... In quick WCW news; Hacksaw Jim Duggan captured the WCW World Title from Norman Smiley in late March. Also, the flagship WCW show Monday Nitro has been axed for hideous ratings, relegating WCW to a late Saturday Night TV slot. Ever since Hulk Hogan moved to the WWF as part of a semi-retirement plan, WCW has lost millions of viewers and is even losing in the ratings to old USWA repeats.... Finally, Howard Finkel had a hair transplant in early April, and it all fell out the following day. The Fink has since been diagnosed with depression.

[NeanderCarl]

May

In complete Huntdown results from April 20th:

* The Ghost Of D'Lo Brown defeated Val Venis in a good match;
* The Mailman captured the WWF Intercontinental Title from Chris Jericho;
* Droz beat Animal Parkinson by default, when Animal forgot to turn up. Add Alzheimer's Disease to Animal's ailments;
* Cancer retained the tag belts from Undertaker and Mark Henry when Henry sacrificed himself by jumping off the rafters to the floor, and Test dragged him in and pinned him. The Taker was miffed;
* As predicted, The Rock pinned Paul Wight, who is now out of action for a month;
* Layabout Layfield battled to a double count-out with The Godfather in a heated match;
* In a match officiated by Steve Austin, Michael Cole lost the WWF Title to mystery opponent Al Snow.

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In happenings from WWF Monday Impact:

April 21st:

Al Snow challenged Michael Cole to remain true to his word and retire. Cole refused and appealed to Vince McMahon for the right to control Snow's contract for a month. McMahon and Snow agreed, but only if Cole could beat Austin later in the show... Layfield challenged The Godfather to put his estate on the line against Layfield's alcohol and cardboard box- if Layfield beat Godfather, they would have to swap life styles for a month... Chris Jericho beat The Ghost Of D'Lo Brown in a thriller.... Test destroyed Hardcore Holly... Scott Taylor challenged Beaver Cleavage, returning from injury.... Cleavage beat Taylor, and was attacked by Test. Little Christopher came to the rescue.... Layfield pinned Godfather after nailing him with a brick inside a brown paper bag.... Austin 'laid down' to Michael Cole, then Stunnered Al Snow.

April 28th:

Little Christopher, now known as Christian Cage, and Beaver Cleavage beat Cancer, non-title. Incidentally, the "Son of Brian Christopher" storyline has been dropped.... Hellfyre pinned Taka Michinoku... Oscar Junior pinned Shoichi Funaki.... Randy Savage pinned Gangrel... Layfield was shown, looking tidy, clean-shaven and respectable, at The Godfather's mansion, sitting by his pool. The Godfather was shown, dishevelled, on the streets of the NY Bronx, beating up a thug who tried to pinch his cardboard box. Later in the show, Godfather was shown shaking and crying as he tried to sleep at night, whilst Layfield slept on a huge bed, surrounded by ho's, smoking a cigar and receiving massages.... Val Venis held The Blue Meanie underwater in a bath in the dressing rooms until he drowned. Venis then revealed the next man on his death list was Hardcore Holly.... Michael Cole ordered Al Snow to meet the Undertaker. Snow was crushed (non title)... Cole and Steve Austin beat The Rock.

May 5th:

Michael Cole told Al Snow he'd have to defend the title against The Undertaker in the main event, with himself as guest referee... The Godfather, via satellite from the Bronx, introduced his new ho- a dirty, rough dogwoman who slept in the box next door to his. She must have been about 55, but looked about 70... Layfield showed off the Jaguars he bought with Godfather's money.... Beaver Cleavage and Christian Cage beat Gangrel and Randy Savage... Val Venis attempted to gun down Hardcore Holly, but missed and struck Jerry Lawler in the shoulder. Holly then broke Venis' nose with a pint glass... Matthew Perry and Terry Taylor took over the commentary for the second half of the show. With Jim Ross' impending retirement, and Jerry Lawler's injury and nearly expired contract, this is the team that will likely take over the Impact broadcasts full-time at some point during the summer. Perry was a revelation- witty and knowledgable, he was much more entertaining than Lawler, Kevin Kelly and the team. Taylor, however, was crap... Terry Funk announced that his match against The Ghost Of D'Lo Brown at Extreme Measures would be his last ever match in wrestling (yeah, right). He then defeated Animal Parkinson, who was too confused to string together any moves.... Al Snow knocked out Michael Cole with the Snow Plow, and then pinned Undertaker after another Mark Henry sacrifice attempt went wrong and he collided with the man in black. Ref Tim White scored the pin. White has a new gimmick, too: he's a West London teddyboy. The show closed with Austin, Cole and Al Snow going at it.

May 12th:

After X-Pac defeated Scott Taylor, he received a large bill from a builder's assistant. X-Pac threw a fit and X-Factored the messenger... The Mailman destroyed Randy Savage, but as he attempted to 'mail' him, The Rock came out for an interview. Annoyed at the interruption, Mailman 'Knocked' The Rock, and posted him instead... Terry Funk and Dirt Byke Kid beat The Ghost Of D'Lo Brown and Brian Christopher, when Brown was DQed for slashing Funk open with a razor blade... Gangrel upset Droz... Taka Michinoku upset Oscar Junior.... The Chauffeur beat Val Venis, when Hardcore Holly interfered.... Michael Cole beat the injured Rock.... Godfather and his ho were spotted drinking themselves stupid on the street... Steve Austin destroyed The New Head... Al Snow beat Test, with the Snow Fall. Michael Cole then told Snow he'd meet Austin at Extreme Measures, and Austin that he'd face Mark Henry on next week's show.

May 19th:

Layfield destroyed The Godfather, who was wasted, on the last day of the lifestyle exchange... As The Rock and The Mailman brawled on the ramp, Paul Wight returned and threw The Rock through a glass-plated table to the concrete... Terry Funk attacked the Ghost with a secateurs... X-Pac received another message from another building assistant, who informed X-Pac that someone was "coming to build him a new ass", and that he'd be pretty "mixed up" after Extreme Measures. X-Pac replied by accepting the challenge of the messenger's boss... Test, angry about his loss to Al Snow, absolutely pasted Randy Savage, prompting Christian and Cleavage to come to the rescue.... In the first sign of any conflict between the two teams scheduled for a pay-per-view meeting, The Mucky Pupz beat The Big Time Drinkers when the only member of the contest with any talent, Slyme, pinned Jack Daniels with a superplex jackhammer. The Big Bossman then attacked all four with the nightstick. Incidentally, there are rumours abound that the Drinkers- Daniels and partner Jim Beam- may form an Alcoholics Eponymous group with Layfield.... Oscar Junior declared himself "one half of the Light Heavyweight Tag Team Champions", but succumbed to Taka Michinoku, with the Michinoku Driver in an upset.... Droz avenged his previous week's loss to Gangrel by slicing off two of "The Vampire Warrior"'s fingers.... Security footage was shown of Val Venis trying to run Hardcore Holly's car off the road on a busy motorway... As Steve Austin battled Mark Henry, Al Snow brought out the battered New Head, and nailed Stone Cold with it. However, as Henry made the pin, The 'Taker came out and chokeslammed him, allowing Austin to recover, Stunner and pin "Evil Chocolate". Austin then brawled with Snow backstage, but was attacked by the Undertaker. As 'Taker beat up 'Stone Cold', The Rock came to the rescue. In a move which will catapult him into the main event market, The Mailman entered the fray. Add Paul Wight to the equation, and the upper portion of the next few months' cards are pretty much predictable.


The current card for Extreme Measures on May 25th features: World Champion Al Snow .vs. Stone Cold; Terry Funk .vs. The Ghost of D'Lo Brown; I-C Champ The Mailman .vs. The Rock; Val Venis .vs. Hardcore Holly; Beaver Cleavage and Christian Cage .vs. Cancer for the tag titles; Hellfyre and Oscar Junior .vs. Taka Michinoku and Sho Funaki for the Light Heavyweight Tag Team Titles (unofficial titles created by Oscar and Hellfyre); Dirt Byke Kid .vs. Brian Christopher; The Mucky Pupz .vs. The Big Time Drinkers .vs. Big Bossman and mystery partner in a Triple Threat; Droz .vs. Gangrel and X-Pac .vs. The Mixer (a wrestler with a builder gimmick, unnamed as of press time). Also, expect some involvement from the SO-hot-they're-steaming warrers Godfather and Layfield.


IN OTHER NEWS: Slyme of The Mucky Pupz may go solo for a singles run in the near future, starting at The King Of The Ring. Where that leaves less-able partner Fylth is anyone's guess... Rumour has it that The Mixer may be none other than Shawn Michaels making a shock comeback. I'll have to see it to believe it.... Someone who won't be 'mixing it up' in a WWF ring for much longer is Randy Savage. The 61 year old card legend has given in his notice, and will return to WCW, where he will be thrown straight into the main event mix..... The Undertaker and Mark Henry are set to feud over the coming months. Henry's contract is up at SummerSlam, so expect him to lose a career match to The 'Taker.... For those wondering, Triple H hasn't been seen for a while, as he's had plastic surgery to repair his huge nose, after it was damaged by Al Snow at WrestleMania. He'll be back soon.... The Martian Mauler's short term contract has expired. His option won't be picked up... It is rumoured that the following WWF superstars are close to having their contracts terminated: Gangrel, The Chauffeur, Marc Mero (who hasn't been seen on TV since WrestleMania anyway), Hulk Hogan, who only wrestles a couple of times a year, and X-Pac, who hasn't lost the weight the WWF wanted him to. These may all be waving goodbye unless they quickly improve and become worth the money the WWF is paying them.... The WWF is also interested in purchasing new wrestlers to add to the surprisingly thin roster.... The offers to The Barbarian and Haku have been withdrawn... Former superstar Greg The Hammer Valentine was arrested in early May, accused of the murder of former WWF Champ Superstar Billy Graham (Eldridge Coleman). He was later released upon the discovery Graham was actually still alive..... The WWF hopes to employ former ECW owner Paul Heyman, alias Paul E. Dangerously, as a manager. Contracts have also been offered to former WCW Champion Norman Smiley, the dark Raven (Scott Levy), Peter Gruner (alias Kidman), Kevin Nash and Diamond Dallas Page.... Another sad death to report: A member of the popular tag team The Bushwhackers, the New Zealand-born Robert Miller, better known as Butch, became loved by millions of fans. On New Years Eve 1999, however, he snapped at an ECW party and Battering Rammed special guest The Queen of England. Ever since, he had rode the wave of success as ECW's main superstar, and multiple time champion. In mid-May, Butch was walking around his local supermarket, and slipped on a misplaced grape. The beloved kid's entertainer, known for his march and his thirst for blood, became trapped head-first in a freezer, where he remained for six days before he passed away of hypothermia.... See you, pals!

[NeanderCarl]

June

In complete results from the fabulous Extreme Measures pay-per-view on May 25th:

* The Big Bossman and mystery partner Black Crow (formerly Raven) defeated The Big Time Drinkers and The Mucky Pupz in a Triple Threat tag. During the match, Slyme abandoned partner Fylth, signalling his solo face career;
* Droz pinned Gangrel in a thrilling, but pointless match. Droz kept reminding Gangrel he was the current King Of The Ring. So what?;
* Val Venis pinned Hardcore Holly, and then impaled him on a spike;
* The Ghost of D'Lo Brown overcame the "retiring" Terry Funk with assistance from the returning Triple H. Brown and Hunter Hearst Helmsly may now form a tag team;
* Cancer retained the tag team titles over Beaver Cleavage and Christian Cage when Test 'Tumoured' Cleavage;
* The Mixer, far from being Shawn Michaels, was in fact former WWF wrestler Michael Droese, formerly known as Duke 'The Dumpster' Droese and Duke Marshall. He overcame X-Pac rapidly. I think X-Pac may be almost done with the WWF (although rumours suggest The New Age Outlaws may return in coming months, giving X-Pac a new band of team-mates to ride the shoulders of);
* Taka Michinoku and Sho Funaki beat Oscar Junior and Hellfyre for the fake belts when Funaki pinned Hellfyre with a moonsault legdrop;
* Brian Christopher, getting a push towards I-C title contention, pinned Dirt Byke Kid after smashing his jaw with a cricket bat (Christopher's new gimmick- he's a cricket player);
* The Rock pinned The Mailman in a surprise, when Mailman was distracted by the presense of Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Al Snow and Mark Henry at ringside, engaged in combat. The Rock then laid into Austin and Snow;
* Finally, Snow retained his title over Steve Austin when Michael Cole interfered. Cole and Snow were then revealed to be in cahoots.

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In notable happenings from recent editions of WWF Monday Night Impact Live:

May 26th:

Black Crow destroyed Bossman, establishing his 'loner' image.... Austin promised to put one boot down Al Snow's throat, and the other up Michael Cole's ass... In King of the Ring qualifyers, Scott Taylor pinned Jim Beam, and The Eliminator, formerly known as Slyme, defeated Hellfyre.... Animal Parkinson was shown being admitted into an OAPs home.... Chris Jericho defeated Val Venis, when Hardcore Holly interfered. Afterwards, Venis shouted at Holly "I thought you were dead!".... The Mixer poured cement mix into the pram of X-Pac's baby.... Animal was shown being fed soppy Weetabix by a nurse... X-Pac found the pram full of cement, and started throwing up with shock. When he realised his baby was inside, he was even more distraught.... Animal caused a commotion when he refused to take his pills... Brian Christopher smashed D'Lo Brown's face, bowling a cricket ball straight at it.... In his return to the WWF, Roadwarrior Hawk was found watching M*A*S*H in Animal's ward, and they combined to perform the Doomsday Device on a very large nurse... The Mixer knocked out X-Pac and buried him in a pit of cement... Kevin Nash returned, Nashknifing Test for the win.... Finally, Stone Cold Steve Austin stunnered Mark Henry, but was attacked by Snow and Cole. Paul Wight made the save.

May 31st:

Jericho and Brian Christopher battled to a double countout in a match to decide the number one contender to the IC strap... In KOTR qualifyers, Paul Wight wrecked Norman Smiley and Val Venis beat Fylth by shooting him through the heart with a .44 Magnum.... Animal returned to the ring. He finished off The Big Bossman after injecting him with a sleeping drug. Afterwards, Black Crow stripped Bossman nude and hung him naked from the Titan Tron, where he remained, fast asleep, for the rest of the show. The fans didn't really care: it was no big thing.... The Godfather stumbled drunkenly into The Eliminator's dressing room, and was destroyed. Layfield and The Big Time Drinkers then carried him out onto the street and left him in the gutter.... The Rock pinned Droz. Afterwards, he was attacked by Christopher. Jericho made the save, then attacked Rock himself. Christopher then cricket-batted the two of them into dust.... Michael Cole pinned D'Lo Brown. After the match, Austin grabbed Cole, took him back stage and minced his wife with a meat grinder. Cole collapsed with grief.

June 7th:

In KOTR qualifyers, Black Crow beat The Chauffeur and Droz beat Hardcore Holly thanks to Val Venis.... Triple H and D'Lo Brown went to a double DQ with Cancer... A recuperating Big Bossman was shown footage of his embarrassing humiliation the previous week. Bossman went bright red and shivered with embarrassment, then smacked Kevin Kelly with a nightstick. However, Bossman's feeling of inadequecy overwhelmed his strength and he hit Kelly with the power of a kitten. Kelly wandered off laughing, and Bossman had a breakdown.... The Mailman attacked Al Snow and locked him in a sauna..... Michael Cole destroyed the Mailman with a nail bomb. A dehydrated Al Snow then arrived and the two carted Mailman off into Al's campervan. Steve Austin locked all three in the back, and drove off with them.

June 14th:

In the final KOTR qualifyers, Triple H destroyed Oscar Junior and Animal Parkinson beat Marc Mero, in Mero's first match since March. It think it's safe to say we'll be waving goodbye to Mero before long.... Big Bossman challenged Kevin Kelly to a match... Val Venis successfully defended the European Championship (for the first time since he won it) by drowning Vader in a toilet.... Steve Austin was shown arriving at the arena in Al Snow's camper van, presumably with Snow, Cole and Mailman in the back.... Taka Michinoku and Sho Funaki were stripped of the fake light heavyweight Tag Titles. They walked away in disgust.....In an interview, Alcoholics Eponymous revealed that The Godfather had not been seen for a few weeks as he was in an Alcoholism Rehab Clinic... As Austin and Paul Wight battled The Undertaker and Mark Henry in a Pit match, the Camper van drove straight into the arena. A blunder from Mark Henry which sent Undertaker into the pit, followed up with a Stone Cold Stunner onto 'Dark Chocolate' sending him plummeting on top of his annoyed Master, gave 'The Big Show' and Austin the chance to inspect the camper van, but it was empty!

June 21st:
Kevin Kelly accepted the Bossman's challenge.... Hardcore Holly, who wore a black armband with 'Vader R.I.P.' written on it, was seen walking around the arena brandishing a large kitchen knife, with 'Val' engraved on the blade..... As the Bossman dragged himself to the ring to confront Kelly, Black Crow attacked him with a Crow Bar... Hardcore Holly chased Val Venis around the arena with the knife for seven and a half minutes, until The Big Valbowski ran into a meat locker and locked himself in.... The Godfather returned. He claimed that he was not at all alcoholic and that he was going to reclaim posession of the mansion that Alcoholics Eponymous had forcibly taken over during Godfather's absence. He then beat The Chauffeur... The Eliminator destroyed Test.... Steve Austin and Paul Wight arrived in the camper van.... The Undertaker absolutely destroyed Mark Henry in a fit of rage, and challenged him at KOTR.... A video on the TitanTron, from a local bar room showed Al Snow and Michael Cole taunting Austin and Wight , and challenging them to turn up at the bar. Wight set off in a car, and Austin set off in the van, but after Wight had taken off, another camper van ran Austin off the road. The driver was revealed to be Michael Cole, so perhaps the vid wasn't live then, and perhaps Wight had fallen straight into a trap, then....Ha, ha... Brian Christopher 'batted' The Rock's dodgy knee... Animal injected Triple H after HHH defeated Jim Beam... Paul Wight's car broke down. Oh, well.... The Rock defeated Norman Smiley, bad knee an' all!, with The Rock Solid... Al Snow stood patiently outside the bar, waiting for Austin and Wight, with a bunch of bikers, including Skull and Eight-Ball. A camper van arrived outside, but out jumped The Mailman, who mauled Snow. Cole was revealed to be the driver.... As The Undertaker nailed Gangrel with the Tombstone, he was attacked by Mark Henry... Michinoku and Funaki destroyed three WWF officials in a corridor.... Michael Cole and The Mailman arrived at the arena and revealed they were in cahoots all along. Cole revealed he never forgave Snow for taking his World title, and that he convinced him to go along with all the 'Contract control' stuff to humiliate and degrade him. So, going into KOTR, the WWF ingenously turned the tables around completely. Mailman turned dastardly heel & Snow the pitiable face.

The current line up for King Of The Ring, on June 27th, features; World Champion Al Snow .vs. The Mailman; Stone Cold Steve Austin .vs. Michael Cole; The Undertaker .vs. Mark Henry; Intercontinental Champion The Rock .vs. Chris Jericho .vs. Brian Christopher; The Godfather .vs. Layabout Layfield in a Loser Lives On The Street match; Hardcore Holly .vs. Val Venis in a Battle To The Death for the European Championship; The Big Bossman .vs. Kevin Kelly; and in the annual King of the Ring tournament- Scott Taylor .vs. The Eliminator; Paul Wight .vs. Mystery Opponent (replacing Val Venis); Black Crow .vs. Droz; Triple H .vs. Animal Parkinson.


IN OTHER NEWS: The injury list is growing. Triple H is still suffering with his over-zealous nose, Gangrel is down two fingers, Dirt Byke Kid has a broken jaw thanks to Brian Christopher's cricket bat, Paul Wight's knee is still bothering him, Hardcore Holly has got gangrene injuries from that impalation and Terry Funk is still in pain from D'Lo Brown's slicing with a razor in May.... Roadwarrior Hawk (Mike Hegstrand) was only brought back for one night, and is still struggling to set up his own decorating firm..... The storyline whereby D'Lo Brown is an undead spirit, i.e. The Ghost of D'Lo Brown, has been quietly dropped... X-Pac (Sean Waltman) will be laid to rest in Minneanapolis, MN on June 29th. He died of suffocation after being buried in cement on the live 26th May edition of Impact. The man responsible, Michael 'The Mixer' Droese, has apologised and the whole affair has been forgiven... Speaking of funerals, Fylth will be buried in early July and Colette Cole, Michael's minced wife, the day after... Norman Smiley, Kevin Nash, The Mixer and Black Crow have all signed three year contracts.... The WWF have verbally warned Val Venis to stop killing his opponents.... Terry Taylor has been released. Matthew Perry will host Raw from July with Shawn Michaels and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura as co-hosts... The WWF will introduce three new wrestlers from the Training Camp over the next few weeks.... An offer has been made to Jeff Jarrett.... The Godfather may sign up with Alcoholics Eponymous, the new stable consisting of Layfield and the Big Time Drinkers... The WWF has been having trouble coming up with exciting main event storylines recently, wheras the undercard has never been stronger, featuring the Layfield/ Godfather lifestyle swap/ alcoholism story, the Val Venis killing spree, the mental deterioration of Animal Parkinson, to name but a few.... Paul Heyman may accept a one-year deal, to return as obnoxious manager Paul E. Dangerously..... Jesse Ventura has signed a two-year contract.... Hulk Hogan's next match will be at SummerSlam according to reports... Black Crow is set to feud with Big Bossman in the summer months... Mark Henry has NOT signed a 10 year contract extension... Information leaked from Titan Towers revealed that, surprisingly, the highest paid wrestlers in the WWF are Test and Taka Michinoku, both making $10m a year.... Negotiations have re-opened with Haku and The Barbarian. Many other new tag teams are also expected to join the roster.... The Fink has had his second, this time successful, hair implant operation. He now bears a long flowing mane of auburn locks.... The WWF is phasing out the Light Heavyweight division, so I guess Taka and co. may be off soon....Skull and Eight-Ball may be re-employed after their try-out on Impact.... Vince McMahon will be the new official WWF President. He already stripped Michinoku and Funaki of the fake belts, and replaced Val Venis in the KOTR tournament with a mystery entrant... see you in July with plenty more news, arrests and firings.

[NeanderCarl]

July

In full results from King of the Ring:

* Jim Ross revealed that he'd retire after the pay-per-view, and brought out his replacements, Matthew Perry and Jesse Ventura;
* Kevin Kelly pinned The Big Bossman who was too embarrassed to put up any offence.
* Brian Christopher captured the Intercontinental title from The Rock by nailing Rock & Chris Jericho with the bat.
* Hardcore Holly captured the European title from Val Venis by ramming a wooden stake into Val's heart;
* The Undertaker effortlessly, and pointlessly, squashed Mark Henry;
* The Godfather lost by forfeit to Layabout Layfield when he was too smashed to wrestle. Layfield's joy was cut short, however, when it was revealed that the Godfather had bet his mansion to The Mixer that he'd win in the locker room. Layfield and The Big Time Drinkers then helped Godfather back to the locker room, united in their new grudge against The Mixer, and the fact that they're all street-ridden.
* Michael Cole pinned Stone Cold Steve Austin after The Mailman Knocked Austin onto a kitchen sink;
* Mailman became the WWF Champion with The Knock on Al Snow. What a career comeback for Steve Williams even though it was a tainted victory with Mailman using a hammer and spoon to nail Snow.

---KOTR Round One---
*Animal Parkinson pinned Triple H after injecting him with a sleeping drug.
*Black Crow pinned Droz with The Crow Bar.
*Mystery opponent Diamond Dallas Page beat Paul Wight after interference from Michael Cole.
*The Eliminator wrecked Scott Taylor
---KOTR Round Two---
* Black Crow pinned Animal Parkinson, whose ailments now appear to include Epilepsy, as he fitted mid-match.
* Diamond Dallas Page overcame The Eliminator by count-out, when Christian Cage attacked Eliminator.
---KOTR Final---
Diamond Dallas Page pinned Black Crow with a Diamond Cutter after interference from a naked Big Bossman

-------------------------


In Impact results:

June 28th:

The Rock challenged The Mailman and Michael Cole to a match in the main event, out of repulsion for their actions the night before and asked Austin to partner him. Austin accepted.... As Christian Cage battled former partner Beaver Cleavage, he was attacked by The Eliminator... Paul Wight was loaded into an ambulance, having been attacked by an unknown commodity... Al Snow battered Michael Cole's limo with the camper van.... A match between The Chauffeur and Marc Mero was abandoned by president Vince McMahon after crowds started leaving.... Val Venis spoke about his anger at Hardcore Holly from his hospital bed... Big Bossman, wrestling in the nude, defeated The Fallen Angel. Bossman is now expected to grow his hair out and take on a 'naturalist' gimmick.... Alcoholics Eponymous and The Godfather were seen smashing up a cement mixer truck in the car park. The Mixer then came out of the building and chased them off.... As Black Crow took on The Eliminator and Kingpin Dallas Page in a Triple Threat, The Big Hippy Bossman turned up and ripped off Crow's clothing.... Animal Parkinson was defeated by The Eliminator in a Lumberjack match, where the ring was surrounded by mentally retarded patients, including Roadwarrior Hawk, now known as Mongo.... In the main event, The Rock turned on Austin and revealed it was he who put Paul Wight out of action again. He then hooked up with Mailman and Cole. Suddenly, however, an angry Paul Wight appeared on the Titan Tron. He was at Val Venis' bed in the hospital and had watched the whole thing on TV. He chokeslammed Venis through the window, and threatened Rock and Cole, saying he's have a huge surprise for them next week.


July 5th:

Paul Wight brought out his huge surprise, Kevin Nash, who fainted in the heat and died. The disappointment was clearly etched on Wight's face, but he shrugged it off and hid his feelings with a big chuckle. You've got to give him credit.... Christian Cage released four screeching cats with huge claws into The Eliminator's dressing room.... With the demise of his feud with The Rock after Rock's step up to main event status last week, Brian Christopher embarked on a new dispute with Chris Jericho by putting a potato up Jericho's exhaust pipe whilst Jericho battled Animal to a victory when Animal had a fit.... Taka Michinoku returned to solo action, losing to debutant The Gourmet Chef, a demented cook with a soft spot for extreme spices, which he shoves down his opponents throats after beating them. The Chef is the latest graduate of the Training camp. His finisher is 'The Aftertaste'... The Eliminator emerged from his dressing room with half of his skin hanging off his body, thanks to Cage's moggies. He then went to the arena labatory and found a cup of acid, and threw it all over Christian, causing his skin to begin dripping. Incidentally, the WWF is planning a story where Christian Cage is revealed to be the son of Nicolas Cage, the actor... The news came through that Chris Jericho was in a critical condition, having crashed his car on the way to the next arena..... The Undertaker offered Mark Henry one last chance to work with him.... Val Venis, clearly in pain, beat Dirt Byke Kid by ploughing his face in with an axe.... As Black Crow took a shower, Bossman stole his clothes, so he was forced to wrestle naked against Hardcore Holly. Holly made Crow submit with the 'Sausage Grip'. Don't ask.... The Mixer filled Alcoholics Eponymous' cardboard boxes up with cement.... Triple H vowed to bring the Hardcore Championship back to the WWF, so he could urinate all over it. This, inevitably, brought out an angry Droz, who said that he'd appeal for the reintroduction of the HC belt, and then puke all over Triple H. They then had a tiny brawl but gave up because they couldn't be bothered, frankly.... Al Snow arrived again in the camper van and started knocking into Michael Cole's limosine, which then exploded. Snow was ambulanced off, and Cole took off with Snow's beloved campervan... Paul Wight blasted into The Rock's dressing room, unaware that earlier in the night, The Rock had vacated the room to let the ladies from the gymnasium next door use it as a changing room. After much screaming, Wight was arrested and carted off in tears of shame.... Steve Austin stunnered Howard Finkel on his way to the ring, ripping out a handful of Finkel's long ginger hair, and was then jumped by Cole, Rock and The Mailman, who held him down and run over him with Snow's campervan, breaking one of his fingers.


July 12th:

Matthew Perry revealed that Howard Finkel had gone on strike as a result of the Stone Cold Stunner the week before.... When Austin confronted Michael Cole, claiming he was responsible for the repeated attacks on him, Wight and Snow, Cole claimed that it wasn't his idea and that the leader, from the very start, was Mailman.... Cancer defeated The Big Time Drinkers.... Mailman told Matthew Perry that he wasn't the leader, and that it was Al Snow...The Mixer challenged the entire Alcoholics Eponymous to a gauntlet match.... Matt Perry described Jericho's condition as "critical but stable".... The Godfather pinned Big Bossman, after Black Crow choked Bossman with a belt.... Al Snow took great offence when Austin asked if he was the leader. They had a small scuffle, broken up by a limping Paul Wight. Austin then asked if Wight was the leader. Wight hit back, asking if Austin was the leader. The three "partners" then disbanded in dissension... Animal and Mongo challenged "two of their own" to a match at Hard Lines... The Rock dropped hints that he was the leader of the Austin Attack movement, and Austin and Snow ran to the ring, but The Rock legged it, clipping Wight's injured knee as he passed... Don Muraco defeated Hardcore Holly and Val Venis is a Triple Threat when the feuding twosome knocked each other out with sledgehammers.... Michael Cole stated that The Rock was NOT the leader, which seemed to annoy The Rock, and surprise The Mailman. Cole stated that Austin should follow his own laws and Don't Trust Anyone, for the Leader of the movement was closer than Austin could imagine. Paul Wight was then seen sneaking into Austin's dressing room... The Rock and The Mailman beat Undertaker and Mark Henry.... As the show went off the air, a ruckus could be heard from Austin's locker room. Perry and Ventura suggested that Wight was attacking Austin, and the fans seemed to agree. The Movement were well chuffed.

July 19th:

Austin revealed that last week Paul Wight was in fact saving him from an armed seige by a masked man, who he presumed to be The Leader.... The Alcoholics accepted Mixer's challenge, if he would put The Godfather's mansion on the line against them.... The Movement claimed that their Leader was going to turn the WWF upside down, and told Austin that, if he wanted to know the identity, he would have to win the match at Hard Lines... Footage was shown of Christian Cage's plastic surgery earlier in the week. As Cage was sedated and going under the knife, Eliminator burst into the surgery and sliced Cage a new face... Interview with Chris Jericho's doctor, Dr. Jose Zulu, who said he wasn't sure if Chris would pull through. Footage was shown of Jericho's smashed car. When Brian Christopher, the man responsible, was shown the footage, he broke down and wept. However, to confirm Brian's evil status, the cameraman left the room, but left his camera on and captured Brian laughing so hard that he literally spewed up over a plant... Training Centre graduate The Naysayer beat Beaver Cleavage by countout. Naysayer was particularly negative during the bout, and hit Cleavage with 'The Damning Remark', outside the ring, and just give up, winning by CO.... Mark Henry screwed up and cost The Undertaker a match against Test... Vince McMahon agreed to reintroduce the Hardcore Championship to the WWF, and that Droz and Triple H would battle for it at Hard Lines.... D'Lo Brown defeated Mongo when Mongo fell asleep... The Leader revealed that he had locked Wight and Snow in the campervan, and Cole threatened to drive it off a cliff unless Austin forfeited his title match at SummerSlam. Austin, in a pre-recorded video, told them he wouldn't give his title match up. Cole shrugged and climbed into the driver's seat, and got a pasting from Austin who was revealed to be in the passenger's seat without Cole's knowledge. The Leader ran away with The Rock and Mailman.


The next pay-per-view, Hard Lines, set for July 25th, will feature: The Movement (WWF Champion The Mailman, Michael Cole and The Rock) .vs. Paul Wight, Steve Austin and Al Snow with the 'Leader Revealed if Austin wins' stipulation; Christian Cage .vs. Eliminator; The Godfather, Layfield and The Big Time Drinkers .vs. The Mixer in a Gauntlet 'Key to the Manor' match; Animal and Mongo .vs. Two Fat Retards (a new team from the asylum, formerly The Public Enemy); The Undertaker and Mark Henry .vs. Tag Team Champions Cancer; Don Muraco .vs.D'Lo Brown; Triple H .vs. Droz for the vacant Hardcore Title.


IN OTHER NEWS: The Leader's identity is one of the most debated matters in wrestling history...Several wrestlers were released in early July at Titan Towers (which, incidentally led to a rampage of humiliated ex-wrestlers at Titan Towers, producing the ugly scene where several dinner ladies were bounced off the walls in the WWF canteen.), including Sho Funaki, Marc Mero (told ya so), Hellfyre, The Minions (remember them?) and The Chauffeur. More startlingly, the WWF are supposed to be at the end of their tether with The Godfather, who is embroiled in one of the hottest storylines of recent times, threatening to release him... The New Age Outlaws will be back in the next month.... Roadwarrior Hawk, now known as Mongo, will only make occasional appearances.... The official cause of Kevin Nash's death has been confirmed as heat exhaustion. He probably won't be buried because nobody's got time... It appears as though the WWF has come under criticism from Animal Parkinson's family for abusing his illnesses for ratings. The WWF issued the following statement: "The very notion that we would use Animal Parkinson's very real illnesses, such as Parkinson's disease, epilepsy and Alzheimer's (we're looking to introduce more in the near future), for ratings is ridiculous. When it comes to the life of a human being, ratings don't count at all. The WWF feels that Mr. Parkinson's story is a very touching one, and if his family don't agree, then 11.62 million people do, as proved by last week's audience levels. We feel Animal, his retard friends such as Mongo, and his battle with the inner demons makes for compelling viewing."... The Public Enemy have signed a two year deal. Flyboy Rocco's (Ted Petty) contract earns him $7m a year, whereas Johnny Grunge (Mike Durham) gets 50p an appearance... No word on Shawn Michaels joining the commentary team... Kidman and Paul E. Dangerously will both debut sometime in August... Jeff Jarrett has been tempted by his contract offer... It seems as though Haku and The Barbarian are asking a tremendous fee for their services, but the WWF are desperate to have them back. They may be prepared to pay up to $23m each for them.... Hulk Hogan's next match is confirmed for SummerSlam. He will probably battle Don Muraco.

OLD NEWS UPDATE: The late X-Pac's stay at the health farm cost the WWF $13m... Mark Henry has not yet signed a new contract, and his win/loss record isn't exactly healthy, so we just might see that career match at SummerSlam. However, with the recent firings, with more to come now that the Light Heavyweight division is over, means the WWF has a real thin roster. Despite new introductions The Naysayer and The Gourmet Chef from the Training facilities, they need more wrestlers, and soon... Credit to the WWF for, probably after reading The Smackdown, improving the main event storylines with lots of camper van assisted fun... See you next month with plenty of news, results, angles and blasphemy.

[NeanderCarl]

August

In complete Hard Lines results:

*The donMuraco, complete with mafia godfather gimmick, defeated D'Lo Brown with a donBomb;
* Animal Parkinson and Mongo Mike Hawk defeated The Two Fat Retards, when the Retards 'goofed out' and ran into the crowd. More sick fun with the WWF;
* The Mixer pinned both The Big Time Drinkers but succumbed to a double pin from The Godfather and Layabout Layfield. Godfather, who was sober, then revealed that he'd never been a drunk, he only teamed up with Alcoholics Eponymous to gain revenge on The Mixer and get his mansion back, and that he'd always hated Layfield's guts. He then grabbed the keys. The ref informed him, however, that Layfield also made the cover, simultaneously, and that the two both won the mansion, and would have to share it. Those guys living together? Cue the hilarious vignettes on Impact, surely? Another masterstroke in this impressive feud from the WWF;
* Droz defeated Triple H for the vacant Hardcore Title when the fight spilled into a helicopter and eventually to the CN Tower in Toronto, where Droz back bodydropped Triple H through the glass floor to the ground;
* Cancer defeated The Undertaker and Mark Henry with a Tumour on the Taker when Mark Henry screwed up again. Taker then tombstoned Henry and hung him from the roof of the arena;
* The Eliminator pinned Christian Cage in what appears to be the first match in Eliminator's main event status push;
* in the extremely heated main event, The Movement were on the verge of a loss to Team 3:16, when The Leader arrived. Stone Cold Steve Austin was distracted, ripping off the hood, to reveal The Brooklyn Brawler. The real Leader then appeared at the entrance way, and as Austin approached him, The Mailman hit 'The Knock' on the steel ramp, and pinned Austin. Al Snow and Paul Wight chased the Leader, but were mauled by The Rock and Michael Cole. The show went off air with three unconscious fan favourites laying in a heap in the ring, and an incensed crowd. What a result for the WWF.

All the Impact highlights:

July 26th:

The Godfather was shown entering his mansion in a new limo. Layfield then entered from the other wing. Cue a glare between the two.... Debutant Mr. Nice Guy defeated D'Lo Brown, on a major losing streak, with 'The Crowd Pleaser'.... The Gourmet Chef defeated Christian Cage..... As Layfield filled the mansion's swimming pool, Godfather turned the water to boiling hot.... Former King Of The Ring Mr. Ass made his return, beating Val Venis when Hardcore Holly slammed Venis' head into the back of a television at ringside and poured water all over it... Layfield dived headfirst into the piping hot swimming pool.... Steve Austin absolutely belted The Brooklyn Brawler. Then he, and rescuer Paul Wight, were attacker by the Movement and The Leader, who was brandishing a huge fish hook. As Mailman and The Rock held Wight and Austin down the Leader slashed the wicked heels with the hook, and unmasked to reveal Al Snow. The real Leader then appeared on the Titan Tron and, with his trademark disguised voice, announced that Austin was a "thorn in everyone's side" and that he created The Movement to rid the WWF of Austin for everybody's benefit. He announced that he would reveal himself at SummerSlam if Austin could beat The Mailman, but should Austin fail, then he'd have to resort to a "lowly" job, such as ring announcer or referee..... Layfield was loaded into an ambulance and taken to a burns unit... Jeff Jarrett, in his Impact debut, lost to The Naysayer when he began a striptease and was disqualified (Jarrett's new gimmick)..... Cancer defeated Michael Cole and The Rock in the main event when the 'Big Show' Paul Wight Showstoppered Cole onto an ominous bed of nails at ringside.

August 2nd:

As Mr. Ass battled Don Muraco, Road Dogg made his re-emergence, asking Ass Man to reform The New Age Outlaws. Ass said he didn't think Dogg could go all the way anymore, but that if he could prove himself one-on-one he'd accept.... Big Bossman asked for a personal striptease performance from 'Playboy' Jeff Jarrett in the locker room. As he watched, Jarrett's skin split open and out stepped Black Crow. It was revealed that the real 'Playboy' had been attacked, tied up and used for a mould for a rubber skin which Crow then disguised himself in.... A minute's silence was held on the stage for Chris Jericho who "died earlier in the day". As Brian Christopher bowed his head, a masked man attacked him with a scythe. The mask was removed to reveal 'Eye Candy' himself, Chris Jericho..... Al Snow was shown distraught in the car park. It was revealed that his camper van had been crushed and compacted. The Leader claimed responsibility.... Cancer bragged that there was no team in the WWF capable of taking the Tag Team Titles from them, and that no team could scare them. Scott Taylor then dissed the former New Age Outlaws, telling them "not to bother" reforming as they weren't "up to the task" either... In a Hardcore match, Droz retained the HC title over The Mixer, who was so humiliated by the Alcoholics that his career is, at present, virtually dead. During the match, the action spilled into the canteen where Beaver Cleavage was shown stealing from the till. Droz began tutting, and received a till shot to the jaw for his disapproval, setting up a future feud between the two... Al Snow attacked The Rock, as The Rock made jokes about Al's affection for the camper van. President McMahon then agreed to Al's request for a match with The Rock, but was disqualified for smashing Rocky, then the ref, with a chair... In the main event, Stone Cold and Paul Wight went to a no result with Michael Cole and The Mailman when Al Snow drove a JCB into the Arena and attempted to run over The Movement, killing a ringside fan in the process. Snow, Austin and Wight then united and promised the Leader that, at SummerSlam, he would be revealed and demolished.

August 9th:

Mr. Ass battled to a draw with Road Dogg, then shook hands. The duo were attacked by Cancer... Droz informed Beaver Cleavage that he did not agree with theft. As the HC champ was being interviewed, Cleavage was seen rummaging through Droz's baggage, pocketing a wallet, a watch and a laptop PC among other objects...When Droz returned to find he'd been robbed, he "went hardcore" on a tree in the car park, and was next seen in a sling.... In a 'newcomers Battle Royal', Mr. Nice Guy, The Gourmet Chef, The Naysayer, The Playboy, The donMuraco and debutant The Surprise formed a pact to slay an established wrestler before the end of the night, then abandoned the match..... The Leader, commenting on last week's threats, promised to reveal himself if Austin won at SummerSlam, but if he didn't, Austin would retire never knowing who was the driving force behind The Movement Against Austin.... The Pact of newcomers brutally murdered D'Lo Brown in the backroom.... The Rock informed Al Snow that he would shove Al's camper van "up his ass" if he didn't stop utilising vehicles in their feud. Snow then drove out in a monster truck, crumpling the ring as he aimed for The Rock.... As Layfield relaxed in the Mansion's jacuzzi, he fell asleep, allowing The Godfather to fill the jacuzzi with black paint.... Stone Cold Steve Austin, on the Titan Tron, was shown making his own delivery to The Mailman's house. He sprayed manure, via a hosepipe, through Mailman's letterbox.... As Godfather snoozed in a sunbed, Layfield injected him with some of Animal Parkinson's sleeping drug, and turned the settings up.... Paul Wight threatened to "knock Michael Cole's lights out at SummerSlam".... As a blackened Layfield lay outstretched in the sauna, a bright red and peeling Godfather locked him in and turned up the steam.... President McMahon suspended The Pact for a week.... Gasping for breath, Layfield escaped the sauna, found Godfather in the gym and, as Godfather turned away, added about 200lbs of weights to The Godfather's machine..... The donMuraco claimed responsibility for D'Lo's death, being "the Mafia hitman" that he is. Hulk Hogan then came out to a lukewarm response and told Muraco that, at SummerSlam, he would be the hitman, and he's whack out Muraco with the legdrop. Muraco scarpered....The Godfather was ambulanced away with a "severely injured back"....The Mixer claimed that his embarrassment at the hands of Alcoholics Eponymous was holding his career back, and that he wanted The Big Time Drinkers at SummerSlam, with a mystery partner.... As Hardcore Holly took a bath, Val Venis threw a toaster into the equation, giving Holly a real buzz.... Jericho, in his comeback, pinned Christian Cage.... In the main event The Black Crow and Cole beat Bossman and Wight when Bossman stripped Wight and he ran off.

[NeanderCarl]

August 16th:

With their working boots on, the WWF began hyping SummerSlam to death by adding some sort of storyline to every single match... Kingpin Dallas Page made his return to Impact, losing to Animal when Mongo Hawk hit him with a bedpan. Eliminator made the save... The newcomers, allegedly suspended, tried to break into Vince McMahon's office. McMahon reinstated them, and gave them each opponents for SummerSlam. Most agitated was Muraco who discovered he would meet Hogan at SummerSlam, "no matter what"... The Undertaker informed Mark Henry that "darkness was nearly upon him" and promised nobody would ever see or hear of 'Dark Chocolate' after SummerSlam. Henry began quivering with fear and attacked Kevin Kelly... Bossman offered his peace, and a spliff, to Black Crow. The Hippy Bossman was turned down, however, by Crow, and then challenged him, at SS, to put his clothes on the line. If Bossman loses, he'll have to wrestle clothed. If Crow loses, he'll have to wrestle naked, and shave his head. Crow accepted (why???).... The New Age Outlaws promised they had "the cure for Cancer" and promised that, with the tag titles round their waists, the tag team division will go from strength to strength. Backstage, Cancer had fun pretending to be sick. However, when Scott Taylor actually was sick and it got stuck in his throat, everyone just laughed, thinking he was joking.... From seperate hospital beds, Godfather and Layfield agreed to put each other's half of the Mansion on the line against each other at SummerSlam... The Mixer attacked the Drinkers as they battled the Outlaws. Mr. Ass then pinned Jim Beam with a Fame Asser... Michael Cole was forced into agreeing to a stipulation match against Wight at SS by The Leader... Taka Michinoku and Kidman battled to a draw with Fallen Angel and Oscar Junior after an outside interference fest from the participents' SS opponents and partners... As Droz battled Christian Cage in a parking lot Hardcore match, Beaver Cleavage stole Droz's car... Wight and Snow unveiled a brand new camper van, and imprisoned Cole and Rock in the back, to avoid interference in the Austin/ Mailman main event.... Austin beat The Mailman by DQ when The Leader smashed a smoking skull across Austin's cranium.


In the huge four-hour line-up for SummerSlam '06, on August 22nd: WWF Champion The Mailman .vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin; The Undertaker .vs. Mark Henry in a Career Match; Black Crow .vs. Big Bossman in a 'Kit and Caboodle' match; Hulk Hogan .vs. The donMuraco; Intercontinental Champion Brian Christopher .vs. Chris Jericho; Tag Team Champions Cancer .vs. The New Age Outlaws; Val Venis .vs. Hardcore Holly in a 'Loser Gets Electrocuted' European title match; Hardcore Champion Droz .vs. Beaver Cleavage; Michael Cole .vs. Paul Wight in a Lamp post Ladder Match; Al Snow .vs. The Rock in a Camper Van Match; The Godfather .vs. Layabout Layfield for 100% ownership of the mansion; The Big Time Drinkers .vs. The Mixer and Mystery Partner; Triple H .vs. The Naysayer; The Playboy .vs. Christian Cage; The Gourmet Chef .vs. Mr. Nice Guy; Gangrel .vs. Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels; Animal Parkinson and Mongo Mike Hawk .vs. The Eliminator and Kingpin Dallas Page; Taka Michinoku and Kidman .vs. Two Fat Retards and Norman Smiley .vs. Oscar Junior .vs. The Surprise in a Triple Threat.


IN OTHER NEWS: The WWF is putting on a huge, 19-match card for SummerSlam in order to try and get some of the lower undercard wrestlers, feuds and storylines over with the crowd, and give the aforementioned the opportunity to take a few steps up the ladder, including pitting newcomers against established stars. It's rumoured there will be a big shake up after SS '06, with fresh feuds and storylines, meaning SS will play host to the conclusions of all the big storylines, and possibly host the start of some new ones too.... Nicolas Cage, star of Con Air and Snake Eyes, is in negotiations with the group to appear as Christian Cage's father. Any one remember when Christian was billed as Little Christopher, alleged son of Brian Christopher? Jay Reso hated the storyline. Flashback?.... Animal and Mongo may reform a full-time tag team.... Ray Storm, brother of deceased wrestler Devon Storm, is looking to enter the WWF and feud with his brother's murderer Val Venis. Ray, real name Raymond Ford, is hoping for a tryout.... The Light Heavyweight Title is officially dead, and the remaining five members of the division will either be sent on their merry way, or repackaged into 'heavyweight division underdogs'. Also possible, they may be killed off for ratings.... What exactly is so surprising about The Surprise?... The recent influx of wrestlers from the training facilities is a positive sign of the WWF's strengthening roster... The former Public Enemy, The Two Fat Retards, have been individually named Spasmo and Dipstick in another example of the WWF's inconsideration towards good taste... Haku and The Barbarian have entered into negotiations with WCW, in an attempt to get more money from the WWF. The WWF have already offered them $25m each per annum... Marc Mero commited suicide on August 11th at his California home. Mero had become depressed following his termination from the WWF last month, and the break up of his third marriage to Luna Vachon, and was found hanging from a tree. At least three wrestlers have paid tribute to filthy egotist Mero... It seems the WWF regrets a few of it's past firings. Offers have been made to Steven Regal and Dustin Runnels, doubtless with the stipulation that we never have to endure 'The Fightin' Frenchman' or 'The Chauffeur' ever again..... Gangrel is in for a push... Ditto Chris Daniels... Also, expect a stronger tag team division over the coming months, which may mean that we'll see The Hardy Boyz on TV for the first time since WrestleMania... An ugly incident occurred at an airport cafe prior to the August 9th edition of Impact. As Christian Cage and The Big Bossman indulged in tea and cakes together, Cage found a sudden source of amusement in playfully pressing the piping hot teaspoon from his tea into the Bossman's degloved right hand. Bossman, painfully scolded, went positively ballistic on Cage, until a passing-by monk forcefully ended the scuffle... An official announcement on Shawn Michaels' position will be made soon...Over the coming weeks, ref Tim White's 'Teddyboy' gimmick may get more exposure... see ya in September with all the latest news.

[NeanderCarl]

September

In complete SummerSlam '06 results:

* 'Sixshooter' Norman Smiley, complete with new 'evil cowboy' gimmick, outlasted The Surprise (unsurprisingly) and Oscar Junior in a Triple Threat when he lassooed the duo together and trampled them with his new horse, Rollin;
* The Two Fat Retards defeated Taka Michinoku and William Kidman with a sloppy 'Goof Out' in a stinker. Dissension was evident between Kidman and Taka following the bout;
* Kingpin Dallas Page (remember him? He's the King of the Ring!) and The Eliminator absolutely destroyed Animal Parkinson and Mongo Mike Hawk , aka The Legion of Dumb, in a pretty decent bout;
* 'Hell's Angel' Dave Heath, the guy formerly known as Gangrel, went to a double count out with The Fallen Angel, Chris Daniels;
* The Gourmet Chef defeated Mr. Nice Guy with 'The Aftertaste'. Mr. Nice Guy then tried to shake Chef's hand, and was pasted;
* The Playboy Jeff Jarrett defeated Christian Cage when Cage appeared to suffer a mental breakdown, and The Playboy nailed 'The Centrefold';
* Triple H defeated The Naysayer, when the Naysayer gave up for no apparent reason in a typically negative performance;
* Duke The Mixer Droese and his new regular partner, 'The Real Man's Man' Stephen Regal defeated The Big Time Drinkers;
* Hulk Hogan defeated The donMuraco, who died of a heart attack earlier in the day, when officials carried Muraco's lifeless body to the ring and Hogan legdropped it in an electrifying match;
* The Godfather took full possession of his mansion by defeating Layabout Layfield with assistance from Triple H. After the bout, Norman Smiley inexplicably attacked The Godfather;
* The Rock defeated Al Snow in a Camper Van Match by locking Snow in the boot of the camper van;
* Paul Wight defeated Magnificent Michael Cole by dragging him up the ladder and smashing the light bulb of the Lamp Post with Cole's head, putting out the light;
* Beaver Cleavage defeated Droz in a wild Hardcore Title match by stealing Droz's light sabre from the locker room and knocking him out with it;
* Hardcore Holly retained the European Title over Val Venis when Ray Storm attacked Venis with an Electric Guitar, zapping Venis on the head. Venis was then locked into an electric chamber and fried;
* The New Age Outlaws finally, and inevitably, dethroned tag champs Cancer with a Fame Asser by Mr. Ass on Scott Taylor, after which Test absolutely brutalised his former partner;
* 'Eye Candy' Chris Jericho reclaimed the Intercontinental Championship from Brian Christopher with The Lion Tamer in a straight but thrilling match;
* Black Crow thankfully beat The Big Bossman, ensuring the Bossman would no longer wrestle naked, with a Crow Bar;
* The Undertaker ended Mark Henry's ten year WWF career with a Tombstone in the Career Match;
* Stone Cold Steve Austin defeated The Mailman for the WWF Title with the Stone Cold Stunner. As Austin tried to unmask The Leader, he was attacked by Chris Jericho, who combined forces with The Leader to annihilate Austin and make him a bloodied mess. The Leader then unmasked to reveal, surprisingly, Shane McMahon, who has had no real contact with former foe Austin for years. McMahon then revealed he still harboured his hatred for Steve Austin and has spent years perfecting his new Master Plan.

Overall, then, SummerSlam was a great show and achieved everything it wanted to. It introduced new characters and pushes for Smiley, Heath, Storm, Test and Taylor and pretty much revitalised the tag team scene with Eliminator and Page, the Outlaws, Regal and Droese.


Here's the monthly Impact rundown:

August 23rd:

Christian Cage revealed that he suffered a breakdown at SummerSlam because he had just received a message from his estranged father, who "abandoned him as a child"... A video was shown of The Rock selling the camper van, with Al Snow in the boot, to a gyspy, who then drove off with it... President Vince McMahon voiced his disapproval at Shane's inability to forget the past feud with Austin, then ordered Chris Jericho to meet Black Crow in the main event... The Hardy Boyz defeated The Eliminator and Dallas Page, now known as The Hardcore Express, when Mr. Ass hit the Fame Asser on Page in a run-in... Norman Smiley was seen emptying a truckload of his horse Rollin's manure into The Godfather's outdoor swimming pool as The 'Faddah battled Val Venis. The Godfather abandoned the match and left Venis open to a Ray Storm attack... In the main event, Black Crow defeated Jericho by countout when Austin attacked Shane McMahon and Jericho went to the rescue. Vince McMahon tried to make the save and tasted steel courtesy of his loving son.


August 30th:

Christian Cage revealed that his father was Hollywood actor, Nicolas Cage, and that he had walked out on his family as a child... Al Snow re-emerged, dressed as a gyspy, with several gyspy people at his side. The Big Show tried to get Snow away from the gyspies, but Wight ended up buying a rabbit's foot... The Hardcore Express threw Road Dogg Jesse Jammes into a tank of ice-cream, freezing him solid. They then smashed his ankle clean off his leg... As Michael Cole cut an interview with The Mailman, in which he announced he was the real driving force behind the Movement, Mailman became suddenly annoyed and hit The Knock on Cole. Mailman then stated "That was for WrestleMania!" An obviously bitter Mailman hasn't forgiven Cole for defeating him in the WM tournament... The Godfather lost to Steve Austin when Norman Smiley shot him in the leg. Austin was then jumped by Jericho and Shane McMahon. Vince made the save.

Sept 6th:

Road Dogg unveiled his false foot. Mr. Ass was crying.... In their debut The Blue Arsed Flies defeated The Hardcore Express when every tag team in the roster run in.... The Big Show was kidnapped by gypsies... Test told Scott Taylor that he "porked" his sister and that she was pregnant. Debbie Taylor then came out with a rather large bump adourning her mid-section, and disowned Scott, before placing her hands inside Test's pants. Scott was suitably ashamed.... The New Age Outlaws defeated William Kidman and Taka Michinoku when Kidman went to work on Road Dogg's false foot with no remorse and Taka tried to stop him. Kidman mauled Michinoku, and Mr. Ass hit Taka with the Fame Asser.... Harry 'Cat Burglar' Cleavage, formerly Beaver Cleavage, broke into Droz's house and stole his mother.... Shane McMahon ordered Vince McMahon to vacate the presidency of the WWF, and awarded it to Paul E. Dangerously... The Big Bossman announced his retirement "into the wilderness where I can truly be naked". As he left, he caught The Playboy Jeff Jarrett doing his striptease and attacked him through jealousy and frustration... Hardcore Holly retained the European Title over Black Crow.... Vince McMahon protested over giving up the presidency. Shane said he'd have to beat him in the main event to remain El Presidente.... Vince pinned Shane after interference from Dangerously.



Sept 13th:

Taka Michinoku beat William Kidman by disqualification when Kidman walloped Taka with a bee-hive, causing Taka to have an allergic reaction. As paramedics stretchered him away, Taka's head was bigger than a balloon.... The Big Show and Al Snow were seen smoking marijuana with gypsies..... The Hardy Boyz beat The Two Fat Retards.... Big Show and Snow were shown cutting feet off rabbits... Jeff Jarrett sent the Big Bossman a batch of nude photographs, driving 'The Naturalist' insane..... Debbie Taylor was seen canoodling with Test.... Chris Jericho pinned Scott Taylor, and was saved from an attack from Steve Austin by Shane McMahon... Shane and Test went to a no-contest with Austin and Vince.

Sept 20th:

Steve Austin challenged Shane McMahon to make a title attempt in the main event... Michael Cole made his return after several weeks of injury, attacking The Mailman with an enormous spoon.... Al Snow and The Big Show made their re-debut, as tag team The Gypsies, with a brand new, stoned, look. They beat Brian Christopher and Smiley. Afterwards, a recuperating Godfather challenged Smiley to a Gunfight from his hospital bed via satellite. He then sent out three fine ho's to entice Smiley- and they promptly low-blowed the 'Sixshooter'... Hardcore Holly and Droz battled to a draw when The Cat Burglar hit them both with a Stolen Moment, then locked The Half Inch on Droz... The Real Men's Men screwed The New Age Outlaws out of a victory over The Hardy Boyz... The Gypsies destroyed The Rock backstage...Triple H wondered aloud where Layabout Layfield had been at lately, then showed video footage of the night of SummerSlam, where a drunken Layfield was relaxing at a bar. Triple H drove a JCB against the window, smashing glass into Layfield's face. A scarred Layfield then appeared on the TitanTron and challenged Triple H to bring two of his best to meet the Alcoholics Eponymous team at Annihilation.... The Hell's Angel pinned The Fallen Angel who replaced Christian Cage who was too distressed to wrestle, after blasting him with a sander... Austin mangled Shane but was attacked by Jericho and Test. Vince, Paul E. and Scott Taylor made the save.


The next pay-per-view, Annihilation , is set for September 26th. In the current lineup, featuring tag team matches galore - WWF Champion Steve Austin, Vince McMahon and Scott Taylor .vs. Shane McMahon, WWF Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho and Test .vs. Michael Cole and The Gypsies .vs. The Mailman and The Hardcore Express .vs. Ray Storm and The New Age Outlaws .vs. Val Venis and The Real Men's Men in a 6 Team Elimination Match; WWF European Champion Hardcore Holly .vs. WWF Hardcore Champion Droz .vs. Harry Cleavage in a Triple Threat; The Godfather .vs. Sixshooter Smiley in a Gunfight; The Blue Arsed Flies and Triple H .vs. Alcoholics Eponymous; Hell's Angel Dave Heath and a mystery partner .vs. The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels and a mystery partner; The Big Bossman .vs. The Playboy Jeff Jarrett.


IN OTHER NEWS: On the Saturday 11th September live broadcast of WCW Saturday Late and Live, Shawn Michaels jumped the ring and superkicked champ Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and later in the show pinned Duggan for the WCW title. The defection to World Championship Wrestling surprised many within the WWF who believed that Michaels would take a role as a commentator and eventually return to action in a WWF ring. It is also widely speculated as to how Michaels attained a contract release from the WWF who are usually adament not to release wrestlers who intend to sign for rivals WCW... Former WWF tag team championship wrestler and manager Mr. Fuji (Harry Fujiwara) was imprisoned for sixty years following his courtcase in late August. He was arrested earlier in the year for prostitution... Hulk Hogan is in negotiations to wrestle George Clooney at Survivor Series in November... Haku and The Barbarian came desperately close to signing for WCW in mid-September but revoked when the WWF offered them $1m each per appearence, plus $2m monthly bonuses! They are now expected to sign up within the next few days..... Brian Christopher is negotiating a contract release..... Expect some new inductees to the roster from the WWF training facilities over the next few months... Steve Austin will be demoted to mid-card status after WrestleMania due to his diminishing physical condition, and eventually be phased out into the commentary division... It is rumoured that Ray Storm's contract has a clause that states if Val Venis were to die, his contract would immediately expire... Jimmy Hart filed a lawsuit against the WWF in early September, for "not caring" that the scrawny Mouth Of The South had died... That's all folks!

[NeanderCarl]

If anybody read all of that, you must have too much time on your hands! Just like me....

But interesting to note:

* WWF's main show being called "Impact", just as TNA's is now

* I included Fallen Angel Chris Daniels on the roster, and this was in late 1998! I always knew he'd be popular. I vividly remember a fantastic match he had vs Taka Michinoku on Shotgun one week in 1998... it was the best match I'd seen in a long time.

* A nudist gimmick! And a year or two later, WWE would give us one for real!

* Mark Henry vs The Undertaker at WrestleMania 22... I called it 8 years ago!!!

* New Age Outlaws reforming in 2006.... I called it 8 years ago!!!

* Retard gimmicks.... I called it 8 years ago!!!

* Jay Reso reverting to the name Christian Cage.... I called it 8 years ago!!!

.... And so on.

[Skippord]

What in gods name: Michael Cole???

[NeanderCarl]

What in gods name: Michael Cole???

:lol:

[Pepsi Man]

I've gotta admit, I didn't read too far in when I became skeptical. That much insider knowledge in 1998, and you were supposedly young and immature?

[Dorkchop]

Dirt Byke Kid demonstrated his bike riding abilities by running over The Big Bossman

That's both insanely funny and insanely horrible.

[owenbrown]

WWF CHAMPION Michael Cole?! :wtf:

[Chavo Classic]

Ah but you couldn't even predict the whole WWF/WWE thing.

Shame on you, we all saw that coming

[Corkscrewed]

for all the things h sorta got right, he got like 20 times more wrong, so I wouldn't imply anything about "insider" knowledge, Rob. :p

[NeanderCarl]

for all the things h sorta got right, he got like 20 times more wrong, so I wouldn't imply anything about "insider" knowledge, Rob. :p

They weren't predictions. It was just spoof news.

And yeah, I been following the "backstage" side of WWE since about 1993 so I did have quite a bit of "inside knowledge", via non-kayfabe news reports in Satellite Times magazine back in the day, and Power Slam magazine here in the UK. Plus I was following wrestling on the internet from 1998 onwards. I would've been around 15 at the time. Man, that makes me feel old. :(

[NeanderCarl]

Another angle from the "I called it" department!

Michael Cole proclaimed himself the "greatest wrestler to ever walk the face of the planet Earth". A green wrestler then lowerered down from the rafters, claiming to be from the planet Mars. He challenged Cole to an Intergalactic match in the main event, and called himself The Martian Mauler. Cole accepted....

http://www.tpww.net/forums/showthread.php?t=46649

[NeanderCarl]

And another...

Taka Michinoku returned to solo action, losing to debutant The Gourmet Chef, a demented cook with a soft spot for extreme spices, which he shoves down his opponents throats after beating them. The Chef is the latest graduate of the Training camp. His finisher is 'The Aftertaste'...

From Wrestling Exposed: "At one point, in between portraying The Zombie and/or a Martian (that was nixed), Tim Arson was going to portray a cook as "The Cook," thus spoofing The Food Network."

I reckon ECW bookers have been reading my thread.

[Y2Jeremy]

Man, that was great. I'm still not positive that all of that was done in '98, but Im repping you anyway. good stuff.

[NeanderCarl]

Man, that was great. I'm still not positive that all of that was done in '98, but Im repping you anyway. good stuff.

I swear it was all from early late '98/very early '99.

[NeanderCarl]

:lol: bumping this because I just had another look over it and it made me laugh.

Still can't believe I called Undertaker vs Mark Henry at WrestleMania 22 over eight years before it happened!!

[NeanderCarl]

And the WWF changing their TV show name to Impact :lol:

[The Naitch]

I'm sorry but I'm not reading all that shit

[NeanderCarl]

It's a free country.

[NeanderCarl]

What in gods name: Michael Cole???

WWF CHAMPION Michael Cole?! :wtf:

Not quite so outlandish now though, eh?

[Lock Jaw]

Finally, in the second main event, Michael Cole defeated The Rock with a spectacular Twisting Firebomb 360 Suicide Splash. Maivia stood no chance. Michael Cole is your WWF World Champion and deservedly so.

Pretty much in character for Cole nowadays! :shifty:

[BizarroKing]

I...I, words cannot describe what I read...

Sheboodle? no that's not it.

[SlickyTrickyDamon]

Clusterfuck of text?

[owenbrown]

Not quite so outlandish now though, eh?

lol

[Pardeep 619]

I'm impressed by The Undertaker vs Mark Henry WM22 match prediction, but find it a bit eerie bumping up such an old thread and seeing a Pepsi Man post in it.