Favorite Norm McDonald quotes.

[Jason Cage]

from Screwed

Norm: "A street gang took the money!" (referring to 2 little boys)

Dave chapelle: Bullshit!

Norm: No I swear! They had tatoos and chains and-and those two sticks on a chain that you swing and you hurt people with!

Dave: You expect me to believe that you were mugged?

Norm: MUGGED!? IT WAS MORE LIKE A RAPE!

Dave: :|

Norm: well, not a real rape...

---

From Dirty Work

Norm: hey, hey Isabelle wait up! (yelling at chick across the street, or wtv he claled her)

Chick: I guess you forgot my name...it isn't Isabelle. It's Kathy.

Norm: Oh I didnt forget, you never told me so I just guessed.

Kathy: So how did the fight at the bar turn out?

Norm: We kicked their ass! I was beating this one guy, I even threw this other guy through a plate glass window!

Kathy: really?

Norm: yeah well, sort of, except the exact opposite.

[#1-norm-fan]

*After returning from the corner of the cell with a few other inmates in the jail in Dirty Work.*

"You know what hurts the most? The lack of respect, that's what hurts the most. Except for the other thing. THAT hurts the most, but the lack of respect hurts second most."

[Triple A]

Entertainment Weekly's list of the '101 World's Most Powerful People in Show Business' is out. At number one, Fox CEO Robert Murdoch, at second place? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

According to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the bet job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

With the resignation of two police officers in Vergennes, Vermont, the city's 2,500 residents are now left with only one policeman.
Note to self: If I get fired for cursing on the air last week. Drive up to Vergennes, Vermont, hypnotize the remaining policeman and loot town.

"In Princess Anne, Maryland, state health officials have discovered what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county fish farm. The culprit, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

[Triple A]

Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry is in hot water again. This time, for bringing 54 government employees with him on a trip to a posh West Virginia resort. According to Barry, 'That's how many guys it takes to keep me from smoking crack.'

ROFL

[Triple A]

Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has said he wants local businesses to
create 5000 summer jobs for area youth. He also wants some crack.

Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is on a 10 day visit to Africa. He says
he like everything about it--but he really misses crack.

[Shaggy]

From Dirty Work---

[Sam & Mitch find out they're half-brothers.]
Mitch: Hey, remember in 4th grade when your sister was up on the monkey bars and I tried to sneak a peak at her underwear? I was really peaking at my own sister's underwear!
Sam: Yeah! And remember in 12th grade when you had sex with her?


Kathy: You guys are brothers?
Mitch: Well, it's a long story...
Sam: My dad boned his mom.
Mitch: Okay, so it's a short story

[CYCLOPTERSAURUS]

::Tells joke insulting women, unfortunately don't remember what it was::

Norm: I think you should know, a woman wrote that joke...just kidding, we don't hire women on this show.

[Vietnamese Crippler]

From Family Guy (Norm playing Death)

*Death flashback to him and a girl getting it on in the back of a car*

Death: Oh, Sandy, oh, Sandy

*car rocking back and forth*

Sandy: Oh, yes, yes
Death: Oh, Sandy, oooohhhh... Sandy???

*car stops moving*

Sandy: (silence)
Death: Oh, I'm gonna be a virgin FOREVER... OR WILL I?

*car starts rocking again*

[John la Rock]

ya Turd Furgeson funny name (Celebrity Jeopardy, playing Burt Reynolds)