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Dunno if these have been said already, but...
Peter: I don't wanna embarrass her (Lois) again. You gotta help me Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter its not really that hard. Lets start with polite conversation, for example: "Its a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having," now you try.
Peter: Its a pleasure to see you again. After "Hogan's Heroes," Bob Crane got his skull smashed by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex...how was that?
Brian: Wow, perfect, my work is done! But just for the heck of it, lets try again.
[Later]
Brian: Okay Peter, I was hoping we wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy, but your progress has been...well who are we kidding? You haven't made any progress.
Brian: Face it Peter, you're addicted to television. And you're not exactly "Mr. Cold Turkey" either, remember that time you tried to quit candy?
[Flashback]
Willy Wonka: Okay, I'll ask you again. Are you sure you didn't eat any candy from my factory?
Peter (Purple and rotund, shaped liked a ball): No.
Wonka: Are you sure, cuz...
Peter: What are you calling me a liar?!
Wonka: No! I was...
Peter: Hey shut up Wonka!
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