[Evil Vito]

The Royal Rumble is my favorite PPV of the year, and every year I used to try to fantasy book the entire thing – specifically the Rumble match itself. I didn’t attempt it in 2015 or 2016 due to dwindling interest for WWE on my part, but this year I’m pretty intrigued for the show and I think that there’s a lot of directions they can go with the main event.

I try my best to not at least keep some element of realism to this – so no Shinsuke Nakamura debuting and winning the Rumble, for instance. But let’s dive into this.


Unannounced Matches

Even though the Rumble will take over an hour and the two World Title matches will probably take over 30 minutes each between video packages, entrances, and the actual match. Two other matches have been confirmed for the undercard, but it’s a four hour show and pre-show so I’m sure some other stuff will be added.

Most obviously, it seems they’re building to a Raw Tag Team Championship match with Sheamus and Cesaro defending against Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. The “good brothers” have been picking off singles victories against the champs lately, so in WWE land that means they’re likely to pick up the loss in this one. And rightly so, Sheamus and Cesaro have been great together and it’s far too early to take the belts off of them.

I’d have to think SmackDown get an extra match or two, but I’m not sure what. Maybe American Alpha defend against Heath Slater and Rhyno. Probably not The Usos though, because I still see that possibly being a Mania program. I’d guess the SmackDown girls get a match too. I don’t think they’d do yet another Alexa Bliss/Becky Lynch match, but maybe a Bliss/Natalya vs. Becky/Nikki tag team bout.

On to the announced card…


WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Neville vs. Rich Swann (C)

Normally I would say a title that is four months old probably wouldn’t change hands for the fourth time in that span. But WWE have been on a bit of a kick lately with shifting belts around. You have all the Raw Women’s title swaps The SmackDown Tag titles are just as old and have already been switched three times, and the SmackDown Women’s title might change hands for a third time before this show.

With that said, I think Neville will take the belt here – and I agree with the move. His heel character has been a tremendous breath of fresh air, and it makes sense to keep him strong heading into Mania season. I don’t like the Superplex as a finisher at all – I get they moved away from the Red Arrow because it’s too much of a face move, but really the Superplex from that elevation should hurt both men equally and it takes forever to set up. But whatever, Neville gets the win and starts his first reign as Cruiserweight champ.


Raw Women’s Championship: Bayley vs. Charlotte (C)

As much as I’d love to see Bayley get a nice moment for winning the championship, I think it should be saved for WrestleMania in a match that has a properly long build going in. Winning the title here just wouldn’t have the same effect especially when the belt has been getting hot potatoed for months. They’ve also started to be sure to talk up Charlotte’s streak of being perfect in PPV title matches, so if that’s going to be a point of emphasis it really shouldn’t end until WrestleMania. Charlotte retains with Natural Selection.


WWE Universal Championship: Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens (C)

I’m not the least bit interested in this match. These two have wrestled about 500 times in the past three months, mostly on free TV. Why should I really give a shit that they’re going to wrestle again? Anyway – a Reigns win feels pretty much inevitable, especially now that he’s dropped the United States Title. All things considered, I’d be very surprised if he wasn’t in the Universal Title match at Mania.

So the real question is how does this match end in a way that sets something in motion for going forward? What I could see happening is Reigns kicks out of a Pop Up Powerbomb, leading to Owens getting frustrated and going outside to grab the Universal Title. The ref grabs it from him and goes to hand it back to the timekeeper. As this happens, Jericho gets Owens’ attention tosses down the United States title from the shark cage. But Owens doesn’t see that Reigns was back to his feet. Spear. New champion. Seeds planted for Jericho/Owens for the US Title at Mania.


WWE Championship: John Cena vs. AJ Styles (C)

It’s not often that the Rumble match itself isn’t the match of the night, but this year I could see this one topping it. Cena and Styles always seem to bring the goods when they’re matched up against one another. I could see the argument for either man winning really – if their program carries on to Mania you’re guaranteed a great match on that card too. But my inclination is that Big Match John will take it. AJ goes for the Phenomenal Forearm but Cena catches him and turns it into an AA for the win.


2017 Royal Rumble Match

Seth Rollins is #1 as the announcers do the obligatory mention of everybody who started the Rumble and won, especially Steven Richards’ triumph in 2004. In a moment that might surprise the crowd who weren’t expecting him this early, Brock Lesnar is #2.

The bell rings, both men square each other up. WAIT A MINUTE – Triple H comes into the ring out of nowhere. Spins Rollins around, kick-wham-Pedigree! Hunter leaves. The face announcers complain while the heel announcers insist that Rollins brought it on himself for calling Triple H for ages. Heyman pulls his classic shocked face at ringside. Lesnar picks up Rollins, gives him a hellacious F5 for good measure, and Rollins is the first man eliminated from the Royal Rumble.

Kalisto is #3 and his kicks have no effect on Lesnar. Suplex City all around with Kalisto selling like a madman all the way through, and he’s out.

Chad Gable is #4 and with his amateur wrestling roots he tries a Greco Roman takedown to no avail. Suplex City and another elimination. I’m not trying to bury a current title holder with that, but it’s Brock goddamn Lesnar.

Mark Henry makes a rare appearance at #5. “It wouldn’t be a Royal Rumble without him, Maggle!” You know what’s coming here. F-5 on the big man and out he goes.

The cymbals clang. The drums start. Goldberg is #6. He more or less gets his full entrance and by the time he gets to the ring, Lesnar immediately steps out to heat. They jaw for a bit but since it was a longer than usual entrance, the countdown clock is already going.

WELLLLLLL IT’S THE BIG SHOW! Big Show makes a rare appearance at #7. “It wouldn’t be a Royal Rumble without him, Maggle!” As soon as he enters he gets Speared out of his boots by Goldberg. If Goldberg is good to give the slimmed down Show a Jackhammer, do it here and everyone will mark out. Either way, Goldberg eliminates Show and as soon as he does, Brock goes after Goldberg as the two of them start brawling.

James Ellsworth is #8, because you know WWE aren’t going to pass up on the chance to have him in this as a comedy entrant. He essentially pulls a Hurricane, gets in between Lesnar and Goldberg and hits ineffective punches on both before they grab him by the head and hurl him into the 5th row.

The Miz is #9. He takes his time entering as Lesnar and Goldberg are so enamored in beating the tar out of the other. Both men are leaning on the ropes trying to force the other over and MIZ COMES IN AND DUMPS THEM BOTH OUT! This might be controversial, but screw it – it’d get him huge heel heat. And realistically, regardless of when they enter I don’t see Goldberg or Lesnar having long stays in the Rumble. When it comes to those two, less is more. They can keep brawling all the way to the back and can be pulled apart if needed.

Tye Dillinger makes his debut, fittingly, #10. It’s almost TOO predictable to debut him at that spot but I could actually see a smarky crowd booing if it’s anybody other than him.

The ring finally starts to fill up a bit for the first time in the match. Cesaro is #11. Luke Harper is #12. Apollo Crews is #13. Heel Dolph Ziggler is #14 and he immediately eliminates Crews to build on their mini-feud from SmackDown. Sheamus is #15.

I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD…Randy Orton is #16. He gets his shots in on pretty much everybody. Dillinger eats an RKO and gets eliminated for his troubles. Harper and Orton have an intense staredown but they think better of it and start working on everybody else.

IT’S A NEW DAY – YES IT IS! And out at #17 comes…the entire New Day? Xavier Woods said New Day were in the Rumble, but apparently he literally meant they were all in it together somehow, a first for the Royal Rumble. Big E and Kofi excitedly start hitting moves left and right on guys while Woods rocks the trombone in the middle of the ring during a match.

Tajiri is #18, because I think someone from the cruiserweight division will be in this and Tajiri is the most well known/would get a respectful nostalgia pop. Immediate green mist to Woods and Cesaro throws the blinded Woods out. Kofi charges, Cesaro back body drops him over but he lands on the apron. Brogue Kick to Kofi and he clings on to the barricade. Yeah this is a ripoff of John Morrison in 2011 but it was six years ago and realistically there aren’t many more innovative Kofi saves they can have.

Bray Wyatt is #19 and here’s where shit starts to go down. The Wyatt Family seem to be able to get on the same page. They start to thin out the herd a bit by banding together. They immediately gang up on Big E and get him out. Kofi’s sent flying not long after. Discus Clothesline to Tajiri and out he goes. RKO to Ziggler and sayonara. Miz is set up for Sister Abigail but Sheamus stops it with a Brogue Kick on Bray. Miz rolls out of the ring as Cesaro/Sheamus and Harper/Orton have a standoff.

All of the men in the standoff are taken aback when SAMOA JOE is #20, causing the crowd to mark out. Wyatt gets back to his feet and we have a pier six brawl break out between the six men in the ring. Joe ends up taking Harper out of the match in the fray.

Going to start flying through this a bit. Rusev is #21. Chris Jericho is #22. Jason Jordan is #23. Orton/Wyatt and Cesaro/Sheamus continue to primarily focus on one another and if Orton/Wyatt is going to be a Mania program, I suppose they’ll have some miscommunication here which sees both of them get shelved from the match.

Big Cass is #24 and he dumps his rival Rusev straight away. Baron Corbin is #25. Dean Ambrose is #26 and he goes straight for Miz, who had been hiding outside the ring out of view for several intervals.

GONGGGGGGGG. The Undertaker is #27 and we get the obligatory mention about it being the most successful entry number in Rumble history. Everyone comes at Taker and everyone gets haymakers. He sends out Jordan as well as Cass.

Kane makes a rare appearance at #28. “It wouldn’t be a Royal Rumble without him, Maggle!” The Brothers of Destruction have a staredown – ARE THEY ON THE SAME PAGE?!?! Cesaro and Sheamus come at them and they each get a Chokeslam. The Brothers eliminate the Tag Team champions after a really nice showing by both.

Sami Zayn is #29, making his first appearance since his Last Man Standing match with Braun Strowman. And speak of the devil, BRAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUN himself rounds out the field at #30.

So our final suspects: The Miz, Samoa Joe, Chris Jericho, Baron Corbin, Dean Ambrose, The Undertaker, Kane, Sami Zayn, Braun Strowman

Strowman gets rid of Kane pretty quickly in an impressive display of power. You can space the remaining eliminations out as much as you want but I’ll just fly through them here: Miz low blows Ambrose and eliminates him, to which Ambrose repays Miz by pulling him from the ring and giving him a Dirty Deeds on the floor. Joe throws out Jericho. Zayn picks another fight with the monstrous Strowman and has him on his heels, but he turns around into an End of Days from Corbin. Corbin throws out Zayn. Strowman eliminates Joe. Undertaker rids us of Corbin.

Braun Strowman and The Undertaker stand face to face in the middle of the ring as the last two men standing. Hoss brawling. Strowman blocks a Chokeslam attempt. Running Powerslam. Strowman goes to pick up the unconscious Undertaker but he does his trademark sit-up to Strowman’s shock. Grabs Strowman by the throat, backs him to the ropes and forces him over to win the Royal Rumble……

……except he doesn’t, because in one of the biggest upsets in Royal Rumble history, The Miz (who was never eliminated) immediately sneaks back in and throws him out!

Winner of the 2017 Royal Rumble: The Miz


Fuck it, The Miz is the best heel in the company right now. Let’s just go whole hog with it. Eliminating the fucking Undertaker in Texas is going to get him massive heat. Let him be an insufferable douchebag for months to Daniel Bryan about how he did something Bryan never did by winning a Royal Rumble. Let him boast about how he eliminated Brock Lesnar, Goldberg, and The Undertaker in the same Royal Rumble while ignoring that he was opportunistic each time. Let him be a dick to Dean Ambrose because he threw him out too. Let him conveniently gloss over the fact that he spent time outside the ring on two separate occasions.

The Miz can challenge John Cena for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 33. It won’t close the show, but it’ll give Miz a much-deserved chance to make up for that stinker at WrestleMania 27. Undertaker could either face Strowman or they could do that match at Fastlane as a #1 Contender’s match to set up Taker/Reigns at Mania if they want. Rollins/HHH, Goldberg/Lesnar, Orton/Wyatt are also built to in this match as well. Ambrose can take the IC Title into the annual WM ladder match. Joe’s on the main roster now too and could be put into a match with any number of people, my personal choice being AJ Styles.

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