MAW MELEE (EPISODE IV)

[James Steele]

_________________________________________________
In Loving Memory

Ernest Borgnine
January 24, 1917 - July 8, 2012

________________________________________________________

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

Mister Dinsdale, I thought you wouldn't be appearing until James Steele called off your match? And, are you aware that he's talking about you, right now? Let's take a look at the monitor.

We can go to court, but I will have witness after witness state that your penis is hard-

Stop right there.



Maybe you should let it play a little lon-



Fuck that.



You've stooped to a new low, James Steele. Sending spies into my locker room to check on the erectile state of my penis.



I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!



What is this? 2005? Detailing the contents of a man's underpants is no longer enough to make an entertaining promo.



Not only that, but your blatant disregard for my personal privacy only adds fuel to the sexual harrassment suit.



I was on my way down here to make you an offer that could've led to an out of court settlement, but you just blew it.





The chance to avoid court, not my penis.

[Afterlife]

Double Talk, it's become pretty obvious that you've joined the House. But, with Rodney and Rampage's memberships on the line next week...was it really worth joining?



That's still not exactly the right question, right question. But an easy one to answer, answer.



First of all, Rampage is a big boy, and he hasn't had this much pent-up rage in quite a while, quite a while.



By the look of things, I'd say it's Kidd Jamison and Dr. Chris Johnson, M.d. who have the disadvantage, disadvantage.



And, yeah, if Rodney and I lose, he gets the boot and I don't, I don't. But that's not going to happen, to happen.



I've already pleaded with MVP and Ted O'Donnell to put their differences aside and work together as a team, as a team.



A House divided, and all that jazz, all that jazz.



I'm doing everything in my power to keep this team together, together. Sonny deserves a reliable pack, and I want to make sure he's got one, got one.



Bottom line, bottom line: Rodney Oculus can count on me, count on me.

[Afterlife]

Salutations, indeed, one and all. Sadly, I have remarkably limited time before I must return to the Cayman Islands, so I'll make this as brief as possible -- and I'll start there.



Just before my legendary Beach Party Massacre, there was a meeting between myself and the Board of Directors -- this was after Sonny was barred from the event, but before said event took place.



In fact, Sonny was supposed to attend said meeting, but as he did not, his right to dispute was waived.



The Board felt, after my vivid description of recent events, that Sonny's direct influence upon the daily lives and activities of roster members was inappropriate and an unbecoming business practice.



So, the position of Director of Interdepartmental Communications was created. And, again due to Sonny's absence, it was lain upon my shoulders to appoint the individual for this position.



And I have.



And as soon as I'm done working out the contract in the Cayman Islands -- which will now force me to miss Body Count, since I've been dragged back here so inconveniently -- the man for the job will be right here amongst us.



Oh, and speaking of Body Count and Sonny not coming to executive meetings, when all this came up, I inquired about obtaining a new investment for myself, pulled directly from the MAW roster. And, lo and behold, I'm allowed to do it, because Sonny doesn't know his job, and never filed so much as a post-it note with a question mark.



I did a small bit of investigating, and, as so many of the roster members were being dicks about talking with me -- you know, the billionaire who pays them -- I did some research and selected said investment on my own.



After looking into the backgrounds of MAW's biggest names, I decided that only one man had a stable enough mentality, performance rate and championship history to get the Orrin T. Quoyle seal of quality. So, I've bought the contract out from the MAW corporation itself, and from here on in, you belong to me...



...Lou.



Lastly, Mr. Beamer has apparently, as the kids say, "twisted his knickers" with this Phineas Dinsdale situation. To him, I say this.



As I looked into individual career histories, I discovered a cornucopia of troubling things. And, while I agree that certain things are less than admirable, let me clarify some things I've seen you carry on about.



Mr. Steele is correct: the old days were different times, when companies held the sole responsibility for the actions and well-being of their talent. When Steele lost control of his faculties and beheaded Mr. Splaya, he was afterward treated for mild but temporary insanity, and after a month was entirely cleared for public exposure. In short, it was handled -- at corporate expense, both financially and legally.



I'm also rather upset that you've forced me to bring this up here, in front of a live audience, but Mr. Parsons' psychosis, once he was caught, was also handled by corporate funds and even today MAW co-pays for his therapy. In fact, the report I read (because I'm a billionaire, so I can do whatever I like) indicates that his daily regimen of pills completely blacks out the memory of any atrocities he may have committed.



Point being, that tragic aspect of his life is also now under control, which is why you've known about these men for so long and never known about these dark periods.



In fact, I'm not entirely certain I see the justification in you, a man putting up with the ramblings of a fat idiot, venting your frustration by digging up the well-forgotten miseries of your co-workers. Seems to me, I dare say, to be a dick move.



So, I suggest, sir, before you go making any further demands, you think well and hard about your actions and the tone with which you make them. And the next time you disrupt my conduction of business, it had better be for more than a glorified conniption!



Yes, you have a dunderhead threatening you with ridiculous lawsuits. You know what?



Deal with it.



That is all, MAW; thank you for your time. I'll see you all on Melee, and the best of luck to everyone at Body Count.



Except in the World Championship match; therein, only Lou may have the best of luck.

[Innovator]

[Swish]

Yawning, like a bitch because after hearing all these guy's,
bitch, moan, and cry like little babies. I was falling asleep. trying to figure
out what exactly it was these guy's were talking about.



You see am supposed to actually come out here, and talk for about
an hour, about how am going to destroy, JEFFREY. Not happening.


I came out here. Because you people need to learn
who to respect, and who to cheer. Now I noticed when I was walking
down the isle, to my amazing music. I over heard quite a few boos.


But it's cool, Ha Ha, you people will learn to respect and cheer for me
sooner or later, once I've made my mark and planted my X.


But since we are on the subject of making mark's and planting x's.
JEFFREY, you better watch out son, because am hungry..

[MVP]

We're back from commercial break and because corporate is looking for a ratings boost, I'm obligated to have another interview with MAW superstar, Michael Vincent Parsons. Welcome back, Mike.



Thanks it's good to be back, especially since I got cash up front for this.



Wonderful. Now you're set to compete in the Elimination Chamber against 5, possibly 6 other guys for the MAW World Title at Body Count. What do you have to say about your opponents?



Most of them haven't done anything worth a damn in their careers, really. Trixie Smith's only qualification is facing me in a match and not walking away with the belt. I'll put in a little more effort against him this time to strip him of his self-entitlement.



Lou P. Daight's success is simply a product of nepotism. He doesn't have Jabba pulling the strings anymore so his chances of winning are next to nothing, even with Orrin holding his umbilical cord.



And my former best friend, Danny Electric, is like a Diet version of me except he's too self-righteous to do what it really takes to be World Champion. I'm always happy to knock him down a few pegs.



Certainly things have heated up between you and Seymour since you viciously attacked him. Just how self-conscious are you that Seymour brushed off your words, but took Ted's to heart?



I got about a thousand tweets asking me the same idiotic question.



Attacking Seymour had nothing to do with Ted. Seymour was getting too comfortable at the top of the card, and I decided to soften him up a bit.



I thought giving the Masked Midget a beat down was the perfect message to send to the rest of my opponents that I'm still #1 in this business.



I don't need Dementia's help to get to Seymour like Teddy-O does, just brute force, which is all I need to take my World Title back.



So who's running The House right now, you or Ted O'Donnell?



Clearly I'm not being paid enough to answer these stupid questions. Sonny chose me to lead The House. Teddy-O only got into the House and won the World Title on silly technicalities, not on merit like me.



Before we end this interview Mike, I have to ask. Is there any truth to the allegations about your past psychosis.



There goes Orrin Quoyle making shit up again. I'm out of here!

The latest MAW poll indicates 82% of fans would read a comic book series about "The Masked Midget".

[loopydate]

(Now that MVP's pre-recorded promo has sufficiently cleared the ring of Orrin, Max, and Swish)



It's very strange to be me.



I mean, I don't really know what it's like to be anyone else, but I'm trying to look at this objectively.



We all know my story by now, so I'm not going to talk again about that.



But here I am, two years later, the pet project of the (co-)head of this company.



"Meet the new boss! Same as the old boss!"



Right?



WRONG!



JABBA WAS A MEGALOMANIAC WHEREAS ORRIN - WHILE ECCENTRIC - GIVES EVERY INDICATION THAT HE IS A GENIUNELY GOOD PERSON WHO FAVORS THE SPIRIT OF THE SPORT TO SELF-SERVING PRACTICES SUCH AS THE NEPOTISM MIKE PARSONS IS ACCUSING YOU OF EXPLOITING!





WE'RE SORRY! WE FORGOT THAT IT FREAKS YOU OUT WHEN WE ALL YELL IN UNISON! WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN! CARRY ON!



Thank you.



Anyway, what I was going to say is pretty much what they all just yelled.



I know Orrin has said that I'll have the "best of luck," but I also know that the circumstances are different this time.



Orrin T. Quoyle now owns my contract. That's true.



But he invested in me because he knows what I've done and he knows what I will continue to do.



This is not Orrin buying himself a championship at Body Count.



This is him backing a champion.



"What's the difference?" you ask.



One is stacking the deck.



The other is making the sure bet. Two-thirds of the field (four-fifths if Tyler qualifies) have held a World Championship before.



Three-quarters of that group now have access to the "special gym" at MAW Towers and the finest personal trainers money can buy.



Two-thirds of them are more concerned with one-upping each other than leaving with the title, which leaves one.



Me.



So when you break down the odds and all the chips are down...



Orrin T. Quoyle's gonna break The House.

[Swish]

So since neither you nor I have actually made our debuts
in the MAW ring, I suggest we both do it at Body Count.
I'm challenging you to a match, and I hope to
eliminate both you and your
incredibly unsafe behavior from MAW in short order.




Wait, who exactly are you again?.




Eliminate you say?. Well that's some creative writing. You see Jeff
it takes more than a few words, to beat a man such as myself.





But of course I'll accept your challenge at Body Count,
I just hope you're body doesn't go missing in the mean time.




Speaking of bodies my Cook Book is on sale right now, and
it's so Swished with information on how to be like me. Get it while you can.

[loopydate]

[James Steele]

All banners are up.

[Nowhere Man]

I'm here with Razorthirst Doomhammer, who's scheduled to take part in the Body Count Elimination Challenge, where the winner gets the vaunted #30 spot in the Frenzy!



Mr. Doomhammer, you've been awfully quiet since the attack on Melee that cost you a match against the PAIN Patrol's Colin Powers. Any reason for that?



Well, you see, I have yet to speak my mind because, quite frankly, I've been feeling very conflicted.



I'm set to enter a match against seven other men, none of whom are particularly wholesome or upstanding individuals.



We have Fix Fnudel, who intentionally besmirches the spirit of our sport by interfering with infuriating lawsuits.



We have Jeff Clark, a well-known bully, womanizer, and cheat.



We have Slater, a deranged monster who may have recently thrown a man into a furnace.



And Methuselah Wilson, a miserable wretch who would rather die than redeem himself for his lifetime of transgressions.



SuperMax, who seems like a good person at first, until you realize that he was instrumental in the psychological destruction of my formerly heroic counterpart Seymour.



Bobby Beamer, who seems less distraught about the fact that multiple people have died shortly after he laid hands on them than he is about the reputation he's gotten for it.



And then, of course, Powers. That self-righteous hypocrite who crippled Job Conquest, the only person in this world I have ever considered an equal, a partner, even.....a friend.



I looked upon my competition at Body Count, and I realized something that shakes me to my bones.....



Each of these men, in their own way, is.......is.......



......more evil than me.



How can this be?! I am the very avatar of vileness, the living breathing form of black-hearted fiendishness itself! How can I possibly be less evil than these seven pretenders?!



If I am to overcome my foes and regain my iron-clad grasp on the title of Most Unspeakably Evil Being in All of MAW, I must seek spiritual guidance. I must turn to one that prays to the very altar of chaos, violence, and petty revenge.



And I know just who to ask.......
















































........huh. I just got the most horrible chill running down my spine.



.....or...........or did I?

[Afterlife]

I want to state this as diplomatically as possible.



I hold no ill will toward Langston English's religious beliefs.



No matter how unique they may be.



Diversity of ideas is an excellent atmosphere, so long as no persons are being hindered by said ideas.



However...



...accommodating his religion is delaying my return to active duty.



I'm sorry I offended your deity, English, but when I defeat you at Body Count--



--and, given my superior military training, I will defeat you--



--my obligations for the Honor Code will have been satisfied.



I look forward to bringing closure to this issue as well as getting back to defending the system.



The Seven Endure.

[Nowhere Man]

So Seymour, in the lead-up to the Elimination Chamber match at Body Count, a lot of people are saying you're the least likely choice to win the Title.



After all, you're not only going into the ring with four former World Champions and one man who would be Champion if it weren't for Ted O'Donnell's interference, but there's also the fact that Dementia's returned and vowed to hurt you.



And on top of all that, MVP inflicted some pretty severe damage on you with that surprise assault.



So with all of that in mind.....do you think you've bitten off more than you can chew?



Y'know.....not too long ago, I would've been discouraged by everything you've mentioned.



"Oh, poor me! The world is out to get me! How ever shall I overcome these massive burdens?"



And then I would've probably given some pollyana response about proving what I can do and how everyone's underestimating me.



But the thing is, I'm not frustrated. I'm not intimidated. I'm not feeling the need to puff up my chest and let out a bunch of bluster and hot air.



I'm angry, is what I am.



I'm angry at Ted for digging Dee out of whatever garbage-heap he found her in and dragging her back into my life. I'm angry at Parsons for jumping me to prove how much of a big bad man he is. I'm angry at Danny for that awful "pain in the neck" pun.



And I'm angry at our esteemed co-GM, Orrin T. Quoyle.



Quoyle funded the reconstructive surgery that remade me into what I am now. And now he wants someone to lead the charge against Sonny and the House. He knows what I can do. He knows that I know better than anyone how Sonny thinks, how he operates. He knows he's going to have to bring the very best in the business if he wants to go against the House......



And he picks Lou instead of me?



The fact that Quoyle picked the man who's spent years casting his big doofy shadow over me, the man who made me his buddy just to make sure I'd be nice and comfortable under his thumb, is an insult.



I had to spend half my career playing second fiddle to Lou--when I proved at Mania that I should've been the leading man all along--and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it happen again!



Y'know, it's appropriate you asked if I'd bitten off more than I can chew. Because I'm going to take the ambitions and goals of the House, of Orrin, of Danny and Triz and Lou, shove it all down their throats.....



.....and watch and laugh as one by one, they all choke.



...and he used to be such a nice guy.

[The Vindicator]

Alright, Spacecase, listen.



I don't personally care what you are do, or want to do, barring what has already happened to cause this little arguement, OK?



As far as I'm concerned, the match will happen, I will on your face in a bloody, ritualistic manner while retaining my title, and then you can go fight whoever you please.



You're the one getting hung up on this. If there's any hinderence here, it's been manufactured inside your head.



So to recap: we'll fight, I'll bludgeon you into submission in the name of Dubbisag, you can then go fight Avenger.



Something you seem way to eager to do, honestly. Less exposure to Avenger, the better in my opinion, but whatever.

[Savior]

Colin: This is a message for DoomHammer



Look you don't have to worry about being the least evil person in the battle royal simply because you are not. I do not have one single drop of evil blood in my body



Some people even compare me to Tim Tebow. With that being said, you can relish in the fact you are more evil than me....for now. Because you see I want you to change your ways and become more like me follow the PAIN Patrol way and you will see yourself living a happier life. You will be care free knowing that you are making a difference for this generation and every generation after.



So just take a step back, sit out during the battle royal and watch me, and you will begin to learn why the safe way is the right way.

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

Griffith!



Borgnine!



These were great men!



If wonderful human beings can die, then I deserve to go too!



Come on, put that guitar string right here!



It'll be easy!



Do it!





Right across the throat!



I know you can do it!



Don't you walk away from me!

[Graveler]

This is bad. This is bad.



Ok Forrest, just breathe in & out.



Forrest, what are you doing here?



I'm here to talk to you about this whole Rodney situation. I think that...



Look, I understand that you have your concerns. But everything is going perfectly.



I've made breakthroughs with that kid. Think of me like Mr. Drummond and Rodney is my little Gary Coleman.He's getting better, more confidence. He's ready to leave those thugs in the House.



Stop. I've heard enough.



This isn't a game Wes,these guys are dangerous. They don't have any reservations about hurting you.



I don't what you're trying to prove to everyone but this is gone too far.



I'm your brother & I'm only looking out for you. Back out while you still can.



You wasted this trip from home. I know I'm doing the right thing.





I've tried my best, but it's seems that you have your mind made up.



Just take care of yourself Wes.

[Afterlife]

You think Rodney needs to get better, get better? You think he needs to gain confidence, confidence?



Is that another one of your incredible jokes, or are you just that completely stupid, stupid?



Rodney -- as a member of the House -- won the Tag Team Championships by himself, by himself. That is not a man who needs to "get better" or "gain confidence, confidence".



The simplicity of the matter is that Rodney could wipe the floor with you and your super cool partner, partner.



But he won't have to, have to.



Because he'll have an Enforcer right beside him ready to help him succeed, succeed.



Sorry, boys, but at Body Count, you lose, you lose; House rules, House rules.

[Fangel]

I don't get this at all.



Sonny is my boss. Sure, I might have screwed up but putting me in this match really pisses me the fuck off.



I can't fucking believe this bullshit!!!



If he would have just...



If he would have just...



He could have...



Done. Something.



Anything at all.



And now he sticks me in this fucking handicapped match where if I lose I get fucking fired?



Does that son of a bitch want to die?



Calm done, son.

Calm down? CALM DOWN!?! YOU WANT ME TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN!?



I WILL CAL---



*Sigh* Sorry, Pop.







Y'all need to stop worrying.



It ain't nothing you can't handle.



I mean sure, that Doc Johnson fella, he a big boy but ain't nothing you can't take care of.



Now that Kidd Jamieson fella.



I ain't too sure he is right in da head.



So try not to hurt em too much.



We both know what impressionable young men can get dem selves into.



Don't we son.

[Nowhere Man]

No.



No what?



Just no. You've been sitting here for almost twenty minutes looking like you want to ask me something. And since you're Doomhammer, whatever it is is bound to be pointless and stupid. So whatever it is you're going to say, no.



English, I know we have had our differences. And yet, here, in my moment of supreme dark irony, I must come to you for assistance.



Nope. Don't care. I have to vanquish Terminator to appease my god. Go away.



Well that's just it, English! I wish to learn the ways of Dubbisag.



.......what?



I have had something of an epiphany, my oldest and deadliest of oldest and deadliest foes. In the coming battle at Body Count, I am simply.....not evil enough.



I do battle against monsters, charlatans, braggarts, and fiends, to avenge my fallen comrade, an undertaking which is, as much as it makes my bile-filled guts churn.......almost heroic in its scale.



And you, English, you worship a very deity of petty revenge and destruction! I must learn of your pantheon, so I may reclaim my dark and needlessly malevolent nature!



......you're a moron, you know that?



First of all, why in any conceivable universe would I help you, to avenge freaking Job of all people? If there's one person in the whole span of creation who would be the absolute last living organism I would ever willingly help.......well, it would be Avenger. But you and Job are tied for second.



And secondly, Dubbisag isn't evil. He's a force of retribution, a responding of force with force. He is a deity of the very first civilization, a being of primal chaos and vengeful destruction.



And incidentally, he's also the god of pottery, but that doesn't really come into play here.



So what you're saying is......since I'm already about pointless destruction and petty revenge......



......I need to take up pottery?

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

Mister Dinsdale, what's with the sword?



And are you...



Yes, you're covered in blood!



Did you decapitate a man to make a point?!



What?



Of course I didn't.



Are you stupid?!



I found this sword in the trash, along with a crusty old title belt.



I've been clearing all potential murder weapons from the arena.



Come to think of it, the P.A.I.N. Patrol should be paying me for this.



I'm covered in blood because I take my steak rare, like a real man.



Get your hand out of my pants.



That's a shadow.



I don't care. Get it out of my pants, or I will sue you for sexual harassment.



I will sue your head off with this sword.



Legally, I'd be within my rights to do it.



You're lucky this is tolerance week.



I've even painted my face to show support for the followers of Dubbisag.



The God of vengeful pottery is a deity I respect, and tolerate.



But there's two men that no amount of tolerance weeks could make me respect.



I'm talking about those goose-fucking murdering bastards, Bobby Beamer and James Steele.



They're the kind of men who'd put a sword to your throat just like this, and wouldn't give a second thought to slicing your head clean o-

*SLICE*



Oops.

*THUD*



Oh shit.



Fix...



It happened again.

[Nowhere Man]

Ah, Ted.......ah, Seymour.......good times ahead.......



Deandra?

Oh hi, Mister Colvig! I haven't seen you in a while! I missed you!



That's unlikely; I've been trying to get in contact with you ever since your falling-out with Seymour.



What is the point of this, Deandra? Why are you aligning with him, of all people, to torment Seymour? And what exactly do you have in mind?



Oh, someone thinks they've got special privileges, don't they?



I mean, really, Mister Colvig, do you really think I'm going to spill the beans now, when it's so close?



When I was little, one of my mom's boyfriends showed me how to keep a secret. And what happens to bad little girls who tell secrets to people who think they're trying to 'help.'



So I'm going to be a good little girl and keep this one from everyone--just like what happened to my mom's boyfriend!



Deandra, I'm serious. Seymour has lost his way, but even now he isn't past redemption. And O'Donnell? He's using you, as nothing but a blunt instrument to deal with a threat.



You have to tell me what you're doing. This isn't what we discussed at all.



Well, Seymour kicking me in the face and stomping on my heart wasn't part of what we discussed either, was it?



Honestly, Pinto. You and your plans. How'd those work out for you?



So forget the plan! I've got a whole new adventure in mind, for Ted and for Seymour and for all the boys in the Elimination Chamber!



And what I've got in store?



Even you won't see coming.

[Innovator]

No, I'm not talking to Sonny about adding you into the Chamber...



There are potentially six other competitors in there, I don't need another.





Look just cherish that RAW match we had and be content with that.



No...just no.



*Gross, Jimmy.*





Shhhhh, say a word and I'll kill you, now off with the top!



One, that's creepy.



Two, there is a camera on us.



It was me!





Sorry, that was what my mom's boyfriend said to me instead of hi.





I just want to thank you for everything you've done so far for me.



That and what you will do to Seymour.



I know you said you wouldn't stab anyone, but that's ok!



But if you reconsider I'm totally cool with that.

Poor Bobby still hasn't recovered.



And as far as Seymour is concerned, he will get what is owed to him.



And I will get what is owed to me, from him.



I've done some horrible things, but I've never physically assaulted a woman.



You're a very...passionate woman.



And it's his fault for not harnessing it instead of trying to suppress it.



I love that you get me! That's what I tried to tell Mr. Colvig.



Anyways, off to think about the surprise adventure at the Chamber..





...what?

[loopydate]

I'm a man of many talents.



I can write.



I can talk.



I can kick people in the face really really hard.



And I can make stars.



It's not something that I tend to get a ton of credit for, generally, but I'm damn good at finding somebody with some talent and giving them a nudge.



I helped turned Marcyo Guerrero from a clothes-stealing comedy gimmick into a Tag Team Champion.



Cool King was Kidd Jamison before me, and he was a legitimate mid-card title contender after.



And Seymour...



...



...well, Seymour talks about being held back by my friendship. I kept him under my thumb because I was jealous of his talent.



Well, here's my point.



Before me, what was Seymour's talent?



He carried lots and lots of belts for a really really big lizard.



Not an unimpressive skill.



I mean, gold is pretty heavy.



I mean, at that point, I was only carrying one belt around.



Sure, it was the NCW World Heavyweight Championship, but who's counting?



Now, I'm not going to pretend that Seymour hasn't improved by leaps, bounds, and other words that mean big jumps in the time since.



But I've cast a big shadow over just about everyone in the history of this industry.



World Championships.



Main events.



The Hall of Fame.



Seymour is one of the all-time greats. The greatest to never win a World Championship.



But that's the difference.



At ForuMania, he caught off-guard and pinned the greatest to ever win a World Championship.



And I thought he got all this out of his system.



But I guess that's too much to ask for.



I've got more than Seymour to worry about at Body Count, but I'm not dumb enough to pretend that he's not going to be my biggest problem there. But here's the thing...



...I'm a man of many talents. Writing, talking, face-kicking, star-making...



...winning championships.

[The Vindicator]

.....



There you are.

Just keep walking.



Langston English...

Dammit.



Have you anything else to say about your upcoming match with Terminator?

Does he always ignore you like this?

He tries to. I think it's a sign of respect.



Well no, not really. I've been kinda occupied recently, and I do believe that I cannot make my stance on what has to happen any clearer.



Excuse me.

Who the hell are you?



Langston, I'd like to introduce you to my pottery instructor. Germaine St. Wescraven

Greetings. I look forward to following you around for the forseeable future.

That's lovely.



This can only end in bloodshed.


...Really? That well?

[Innovator]

Tucker: YES! The Champ is gracing us with his presence!



Class: The Debt Collector is coming to the ring instead of being bac-



Tucker: STOP RUBBING IT IN!



Tucker: Oof.





*BOOOOOOOO WE HOPE ANYONE ELSE WINS THE CHAMBER EXCEPT FOR YOU*



*WELL MAYBE NOT MVP, FUCK THAT GUY*









I figured I should give my opponents my thoughts on them, since there is so much verbal filth in the air.



This upcoming Chamber match isn't the Lou and Seymour Show.



This isn't the "Why aren't we still friends?" hour.



No one cares.



No one being me.



I didn't care about you two when you were in NCW and I sure don't care about anyone who called themselves a Misfit in Action.



The fact that Orrin is backing Lou just shows how much MAW needs Sonny and the House.





Almost everyone in the House.



I'm happy Raymond is back, and look forward to further mentoring him.



But there is Michael.



Foolish, starved for attention Michael.



Maybe we can co-exist finally, as long as you finally admit that I am the better man and will always beat you to the proverbial punch.



Triggle has been silent lately...





Good.



There is nothing more to say about Triggle that doesn't sound like my thoughts on Frostie.



Mainly, I don't think of you at all.



Last and certainly least, Daniel.



Save the puns for Seymour and the rest...



because I like to think of you in metaphors.



Daniel, you're an abscess on my career.



The happiest day in my life is yet to come, and that will be ridding myself of you once and for all, so I never have to hear the name Daniel Electric ever again.



That day will come soon.



With the lovely Dementia at my side...



I will continue to rule over MAW past the Elimination Chamber.



This is the face of excellence.



And the face of MAW.

[loopydate]

You know something, Ted? You're right.



I did know that. Thank you, Lou.




Anyway, you're right. This match is more than just the Lou and Seymour Show.



At least, for now.



Ho, boy.



I'm just gonna have a seat again.



It's "Story Time With Mr. Daight" again.



Tell us again about the epic match you had three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen days ago.



Don't be ridiculous, Ted. July 29, 2002 I hadn't even made my debut yet!




Ted, you're one of the all-time greats. I'd be a fool to ignore the fact that, as World Champion, you're the man to beat inside the Chamber.



Which is exactly why you won't win.



This should be good.



You've got Seymour's girl. You've got MVP's title. You've got Danny's attention. You may have Triz Smith's number--



Yeah, it's three. What's your point, Lou?




My point, Ted, is that you have one other thing going into the Chamber.



A giant bulls-eye.



At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I've been where you are. I've been World Champion heading into a Chamber match.



And I lost.



Everybody in that match wanted what I had, and by the end of the night, someone got it.



You've got two Hall of Famers, two of your greatest rivals, and the greatest wrestler to never win the big one all gunning for what you have.



Hold on, you're overlooking me because no one is overlooking me?



Lou, I never really gave you credit for a preponderance of brains, but--




Sorry. A lot of br--



I know what "preponderance" means!



I was just imagining how much long it's going to take me to wipe your goatee flakes off the bottom of my boot at Body Count.



Oh, good. We're back to head-kicking now.




Tell you what, Lou. I'm going to save you from having to keep countering me by just... wishing you luck.



...in the Frenzy.



Because, not only will you not get to leave a Bad Impression on the Face of MAW, but sadly...



...the only lasting impression of the night will be this.



What a beautiful sight! There's your Body Count spoiler, boys and girls!

[Innovator]

*I feel dumb after that. Can't get any worse.*









*ENNNNNNNNN*



*GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGER*











Why do you keep doing this?



Do you forget we hate each other?



Or came to get a whiff of DemyDem off of me?



Quietloudspeak floatinghouse, donkeynaughtypart.



DemyDem upsboxsupersmash y you hostilegrab duecepluspoint?



Domicile of Pantsholders innerragespeak at you.



If you victorhandraise at Being Digits, SuperMax also victorhandraise.



Then SuperMax victorhandraise Pandemonium.



Then SuperMax victorhandraise worldheavyweightaggrocrag.



Then SuperMax victorhandraise SteeleKingChair.



From youbeing.



Max, I'm right here you don't have to talk to me on the screen.



SuperSuperSuperTed bigger.

[Alan The Rapist]

TRIZ, TRIZ, TRIZ! TRIZ, TRIZ, TRIZ! TRIZ, TRIZ, TRIZ!



Oh, for crying out loud.



Let's see, how many douche bags can we fit in the ring at once?



Wow, did...you just call Ted a douche bag?



Of course not! I'm referring to the insolent fools who dare interrupt him!



Ah. Right.





I see--



I just got here, Ted, shut the hell up.





Number one: Max.





I know you don't like the thought of your scum-sucker cousin using Dementia as a weapon.



Come on, man, nobody likes what he's doing!



But if you don't stay focused on the match you've got, there's no way you'll win it. It's gonna be chaos in there, and if you want to stick it to your horrible cousin, the best way to do that is show him what you can do.





Number two...



"Ted might have my number?"



Well...he might.



Well, he doesn't.



O.k.



But he might.



Stop that. He's had a splinter in his thumbnail ever since I defeated him, culminating in quite literally stealing my world championship. That doesn't qualify as "having my number", that's "having a poor self image and taking it out on other people."



If I could--



You could not.





Lou, I appreciate your new position as Corporate Anti-Ted. I'm sure, just like all of Sonny's addlepates, you'll have every opportunity handed to you on a golden platter.



But I earned the World Title at Beach Party Massacre, and you can bet your big boot I'm going to earn it again at Body Count.





And finally, Number Three.





You.



Oh, is it MY turn??



I honored the stipulation that forced me to give you your "favor."



Yes, it was ever so noble--



You shut up and listen. My agenda for Body Count is uncharacteristically two-fold: The second part -- the hard part -- the glorious part -- is winning the match and World Title I've already earned. The first part -- the easy part -- the FUN part--



--is eliminating you.

[MVP]

What took you so long, Michael?







You gonna stand there and pose like an idiot, or are you gonna come to the ring like a man?



No Trixie, I'm fine right here. That ring is too crowded with egos right now.



Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?



No Louise, the difference between me and the rest of you is that you're all arrogant enough to think you have a shot at winning the Elimination Chamber match, but I know I'm gonna win.



In fact, I think Teddy's speech-challenged cousin has a better shot at winning than OCD-Magee here.





I forget, who was about to pin you at Downfall before Ted showed up? Oh yeah, me!



One match means nothing if you don't walk away with the belt. Besides, no one actually believes you're better than me anyway.



I do.



Yeah, well Danny Electric knows first hand what I can do to someone when I really want something, and the rest of you will know that too after Body Count.



Oh wait, Seymour knows too after last week. Well at least this isn't the "Seymour Festival of Whining" anymore.



And it won't be the "Teddy-O Show" either, cause once I take my Title back, you'll be out of The House and on the streets...



...and MAW will stand for "Michael's Action Wrestling" once again.

[Innovator]

I'm glad you put your big boy pleather pants on and joined us, little Michael.



While we both agree that OCD Magee won't win...



Neither will you, you bedazzled buffoon.



Maybe I'll end it sooner this time around...



And not let OCD Magee embarrass you like he did.

[Nowhere Man]

Heya, runt. How's your back?







Don't walk away from me, you miserable little never-was!





Oh, look, everyone. The Halfling's here to enchant us with his fairy tales about how he's good enough to be here!



Y'know, you're a funny guy, Ted. You're always able to come up with the best jokes.



I'll leave it to one of these other lunkheads to make some crack about how the way you won the Title is a joke.....



.....but honestly, that doesn't matter.



In fact, nothing that you or any of the rest of you say actually matters.



Because none of it changes the fact that I've got more to gain than any of you....



....the fact that I want this win more than any of you.....



....and the fact that I'm better than all of you.



I won't need to throw someone's psycho ex at them to try and distract them, Ted.





And I won't need to jump people from the crowd like a dickless coward, Parsons.





And I won't need the backing of a crackpot billionaire to remind myself of how great I used to be, Lou.





And I won't......um.........y'know, I actually still don't have any real reason to be mad at you, Triz.





But I won't need to be mad at you in order to beat you!



I see Danny hasn't made it out here for this little get-together yet, but that's honestly for the best. It's not like anything he'll say will matter.



Just like how once you're all locked in the Chamber with me, I'll finally get my hands on the World Title.....



....and nothing that you say or do will matter.




























Oh, and Max? I still hate you.

[XL]

I think I might pass out from all the excitement!!

Yes, all these top superstars out here, verbally sparring ahead of the Elimination Chamber Match at Body Count, very exciting.

Well, just Ted really!

Conspicuous by his absence however, is former World Heavyweight Champion Danny Electric. Word in the locker room is that Danny's neck injury is much worse that he has let on and he won't actually make it to Body Count.

That would be a shame. Ted was looking forward to beating Danny. Again.



Gentlemen, please.



Nice of you to show up.



Sorry, Ted. What can I say? I've been pretty busy.



Overseas media appearances, Transpire-A-Desire obligations, training for the big match, Aunt Thelma's 50th Birthday Party, getting locked up for "indecent exposure", training some more.



Wait. What was that about being locked up?



Nothing really. It was a case of mistaken identity. Apparently, I look incredibly similar to some guy called Joey Radd, who has been exposing himself to the general public on a regular basis. After a week the whole thing was cleared up.



You spent a whole week in prison and this is the first we hear of it?



Well...yeah. It really wasn't as bad as you might think. In fact, it was really useful.



Oh yeah?



Yeah. What better preparation for being surrounded by steel fences in a dog-eat-dog environment where only the strongest survive than being surrounded by steel fences in a dog-eat-dog environment where only the strongest survive?



Compared to a week in there, the Elimination Chamber will be breeze.



When Body Count finishes the only "exposure" that people will talk about is how my opponents were exposed as frauds, cheats, thieves and dreamers.



And at the end of it, there will be no mistaken identity. People will finally recognize me once again as the rightful World Heavyweight Champion.

[loopydate]

Well, we'll see about that.



Lou, why are you even still out here?



...the ring full of my Body Count opponents?



And Max.





Why wouldn't I be out here?



[Sigh]



You're the one with the impeccable internal calendar, you tell me.



Well, this has been fascin--



Sit back down, Ted. If the rest of us have to put up with this nonsense, you don't get to just walk away.



Uh-oh.



There it is.



Where is Big Zylla when you need him?



Tomorrow's the eighteenth.



July 18th.



Say something, Max. It's bound to make more sense than this.



July 18th, 2005.



Let me guess, the day of the infamous Disturbed-stunning-an-AT-AT incident?



Actually, yes.



Crap.



I need to go shopping.



Thanks, buddy.



Don't call me "buddy."



Right. Sorry.



Can't believe I almost forgot Bruce's seventh birthday.



And, coincidentally, mine and Angie's seven-year anniversary.



Oh, yes, that was definitely worth sticking around. Thank you, Michael.



Any time, asshat.




...



...



Hm. Prison doesn't seem so bad right now.



This is my competition.

[Innovator]

*Thank god I brought an extra shirt with me.*

[Savior]

Why is he coming out here?






I was feeling lonely backstage so I'm gonna hang out here.



trustdisallowed hypocritticalman.

[Graveler]

After everyone leaves the ring











At Body Count, the good work I put in will finally be realized.



With the help of Rocky Brenham, Rodney Oculus will finally understand that he's doesn't need the House.



And if it takes a broken arm or some bruised ribs for him to see that, then so be it.



But you seem to be a bit apprehensive about the situation. So, I'm ordering you to find Double Talk and...

[Graveler]

WES LANG!!!!!!





Mr. Lang, you may be unaware of my identity, but I'm well acquainted with your antics.



And I must warn you of the great danger that lies ahead in the pursuit of Rodney's liberation.



Unlike Mr. Oculus, this warning doesn't stem from the extrasensory persuasion, but of one from the time traveler's mind.



So If I were you, I would best heed the words of your brother & leave Mr. Oculus to his own devices.

[Avenger]

What the heck? It's Avenger.

We haven't heard from him in... weeks.

No music or anything, he's just walked out here, unannounced.


















Surprised to see me?




Thought you might be.



I've been getting so many texts and calls from MAW management over the past few weeks - 'where are you?' ... 'you haven't said anything about your match with Thunder' ... blah, blah, blah



Why would I say anything about the match?






This is the biggest match I've had since I have returned to MAW... the start of a seven match series with Thunder, an opportunity to get one up on him from the start and finally get on track to being World Heavyweight Champion...



And you expect me to be here?



You expect me to stand in this ring and talk the same old crap to these worthless fans?



When I could be at home... training... in my gym... for my wrestling match.



Have we forgotten what all this is really about?



It's written on the door people - Maximum... Action... Wrestling



I'm not here to sell foam fingers, to make little kids smile or... God forbid... make anybody laugh. I am here to win wrestling matches. I am here to become the top guy in this industry by taking on the best and beating them.



Now I can hear what you're all going to say - 'this is a show' ... 'it's about more than the wrestling' ... 'you always had a lot to say in the past'



And this is alll true... to an extent. But in the four years I was out of this business - I was growing. I was getting stronger... bigger... faster... more skilled.



Since getting back in this ring I have been asking you to take me seriously... I have been asking for proper wrestling matches. And when I get the chance - you're surprised that I'm... training?



Rest assured... something will happen on Sunday. Something will bring me out here on the following Melee and I will have to deal with some controversy - most likely Thunder's excuses as to why he lost to me...



So... no. I'm not going to disappear before every one of these 7 matches. But do you know what I noticed the last week or so?



I noticed Thunder on TV... I saw him signing autographs, visiting kids in hospitals...



He doesn't get it.



This isn't a sprint! This most likely won't end in 4 matches! This is a goddamn marathon!



On Sunday... that marathon begins. I bring wrestling back to the fore here. MAW... the wrestling world... and Thunder - will never be the same again.