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Old 01-09-2010, 09:45 PM   #41
Lock Jaw
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Lenny: "It's a secret..."
Karl: "Shut uuuuuup!"
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Old 01-09-2010, 09:46 PM   #42
Vietnamese Crippler
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Homer: Bart, you're coming home.
Bart: I want to stay here with Mr. Burns.
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Well, go ahead -- do your worst!
[Burns slams the door and locks it]
[disbelieving] He locked the door! I'll show him -- [rings the
doorbell and runs away]

Or the outtake:

Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
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Old 01-09-2010, 10:10 PM   #43
Xero
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Never understood why they didn't put that Richard Simmons gag in. It was hilarious.

Maybe timing issues.
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Old 01-10-2010, 12:02 AM   #44
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"KKK?! That's NOT good!"

"Let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Ohhh... I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet."
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Old 01-10-2010, 02:57 AM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vietnamese Crippler View Post
Homer: Bart, you're coming home.
Bart: I want to stay here with Mr. Burns.
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Well, go ahead -- do your worst!
[Burns slams the door and locks it]
[disbelieving] He locked the door! I'll show him -- [rings the
doorbell and runs away]

Or the outtake:

Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:16 AM   #46
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They call 'em fingers, but I never seem 'em fing. Oh, there they go.
-Otto
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:15 AM   #47
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Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Car System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:16 AM   #48
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Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:16 AM   #49
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Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:18 AM   #50
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Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news.
Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns: Well...
[looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see?
[bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs.
[points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis,
[holds up one]
Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead.
[normal voice]
Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns: Indestructible.
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:20 AM   #51
Vietnamese Crippler
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Abe: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex.
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:22 AM   #52
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[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
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Old 01-10-2010, 06:35 AM   #53
The MAC
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"i dunno marge, "trying" is the first step towards failure"- homer
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Old 01-10-2010, 08:47 AM   #54
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0:13
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Old 01-10-2010, 09:37 AM   #55
The Destroyer
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Homer rants are the best. From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:


Marge: Mmm, I'm happy about that. But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.
Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. _I'm_ the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! _You're_ out of order. The whole freaking _system_ is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Marge: Homer, don't _ever_ tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: [meek] Yes ma'am.
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Old 01-10-2010, 09:37 AM   #56
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Mr Simpson, this is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against The Never-Ending Story.
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Old 01-10-2010, 10:08 AM   #57
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Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaane!

*Homer slams the bedroom door behind him and quickly opens it again*

Homer: Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic!

Marge: Well, duh!

----

Lyle Lanley: I'm here to answer any questions you have about the monorail.

Kid 1: Can it outrun The Flash?

Lyle Lanley: You bet!

Kid 2: Can Superman outrun The Flash?

Lyle Lanley: Uh, sure, why not?

----

Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you HoJu!

*Awkward silence*

Bart: I'll get back to you.

----

*A ghost of Moe appears behind the bar*

Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer?

Homer: Moe, gimme a beer!

Moe: No. Not unless you kill your family.

Homer: Why should I kill my family?

Moe: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.

Homer: You don't look so happy.

Moe: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family and I'll give you a beer!

----

And also....
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Old 01-10-2010, 10:34 AM   #58
The Destroyer
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Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.
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Old 01-10-2010, 12:04 PM   #59
weather vane
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Homer: Oh my God! Underage kids drinking without a permit!
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Old 01-10-2010, 12:39 PM   #60
Evil Vito
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Mr. Burns: "One dollar for eternal happiness? Hmm...I think I'd be happier WITH the dollar."
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Old 01-10-2010, 01:22 PM   #61
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Does anybody have change for a button?
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Old 01-10-2010, 01:45 PM   #62
Supreme Olajuwon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Destroyer View Post
Homer rants are the best.
Yes

From Fear of Flying

Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you please?!
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Old 01-10-2010, 02:36 PM   #63
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Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.
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Old 01-10-2010, 02:40 PM   #64
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I have misplaced my pants.
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Old 01-10-2010, 02:57 PM   #65
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Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)
NOT A FAVORITE but just popped in my head:

Burns: Damnit Smithers it's not rocket science, it's brain surgery!
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:14 PM   #66
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:18 PM   #67
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Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Buzzkill got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)
Reading over this thread makes me really hate family guy a lot
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:39 PM   #68
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Homer: "You'll have to speak up I'm wearing a towel"

Homer: "Hospital Please"
Last edited by Innovator; 01-10-2010 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:48 PM   #69
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Thumbs up
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzkill View Post
Reading over this thread makes me really hate family guy a lot
Wee Gooner likes this
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Old 01-10-2010, 04:00 PM   #70
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Australian Man: You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!

*The Australian Man brandishes a spoon*

Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.

Australian Man: Alright, alright, you win. I see you've played Knifey-Spoony before.
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Old 01-10-2010, 04:21 PM   #71
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"Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?"
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:13 PM   #72
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So Ned, do you like dune buggies?
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:26 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blitz View Post
Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.
That shit was classic.
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:43 PM   #74
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Smithers: Mr. Simpson, are you listening? [Homer eats an orange] Simpson?!
Homer: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
Moe: Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange.
Homer: Well, yes, yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, but to
the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about
marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.
First, you have the skin...then the sweet, sweet innards...
[devours it]
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:46 PM   #75
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Zombie Flanders: Hey Simpson! I'm feeling a mite peckish.
[sinisterly] Mind if I chew your EAR?

Homer wastes him.

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zombie!?
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Old 01-10-2010, 05:59 PM   #76
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Old 01-10-2010, 06:02 PM   #77
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She's not going to leave you right before Valentine's Day. That'd be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.
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Old 01-10-2010, 06:39 PM   #78
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Old 01-10-2010, 06:47 PM   #79
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Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
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Old 01-10-2010, 06:50 PM   #80
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Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge Simpson: Bart's gay?
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Bart?
[looks at the file]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Ah, whoo, wrong file.
[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]
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