101 rules of Nu Metal

[Eunos]

1. Be underage.

2. Hide your fat arse in some baggier-than-thou jeans.

3. Don't hide the spare tire around your waist by wearing a small top.

4. Go to Keroscene.

5. Hate your parents.

6. Eye liner, for gawdsake put on some black eye liner.

7. Keep a diary.

8. Fill in 'Slipknotism' on your next census form and get it
established as a religion.

9. Go away in the huff at any given opportunity.

10. Don't listen to anything with a guitar solo.

11. Be down with the sickness (and I don't mean take a few days off
school because you've got a cold).

12. Pester your doctor for repeat prescriptions of Prozac.

13. Only ever go to your psychiatrist's appointment if your mum drives
you there and makes you go in.

14. Slag off your psychiatrist.

15. Find a bully to pick on you.

16. Time for Keroscene again.

17. Quote Marilyn Manson at least fives times a day.

18. Be misunderstood.

19. Find any excuse you can NOT to go to PE class.

20. Tell yourself you're beautiful.

21. Write 'God is dead' on your jotters.

22. Convince yourself you are actually making a difference by trying
to be vegetarian.

23. Buy pink, fluffy handcuffs

24. Dig out your 1.50 and get your ass down to Keroscene again.

25. Bounce.



26. Defy yourself to find a Nu-metal band you don't like - you can't
do it.

27. Sports wear. It's your second skin.

28. Buy assorted leather accessories, ignoring the fact they came from
the same cow you didn't want to eat.

29. Thou shalt not conform.

30. Don't read newspapers - they're full of that 'reality' stuff.

31. Go to the Mission.

32. Worship Iqy.

33. Dance with your hands together below you waist bobbing up and down
(Wait actually this might be the same as number 25).

34. On the internet, get a handle like ANGEl_666 or wORShiP_SATaN.

35. Hate 80s metal.

36. Hang out at Bristo Square and generally get in the way.

37. Stick "I hate my parents."etc, badges/pathes on your school bag
and/or jeans.

38. Slit your wrists at least once a week.

39. Proclaim "Any band you haven't heard of must be shit".

40. Never play air guitar.

41. Pretend that you are high when smoking leaves that skaters sold you at
Bristo Square.

42. Refer to you friends as "homie's".

43. Love Kurt Cobain *cough..overated* and defend him with your life.

44. Subscribe to Kerrang!

45. Listen to Steps and S Club 7, when you are alone and are not acting
cool in front of your friends.

46. Go to D.K.Y.

47. Grow a goatee beard.

48. Buy a New York Yankies cap a.k.a. Fred Drust cap.

49. Hang out outside Ground Control.

50. Wear stupidly sized jeans that encompass your shoes

51. Get an eyebrow piercing to make your statement of
individuality

53. Cut holes in your jeans as soon as you get them, to show how hardcore
you are

54. If female, wear friendship bracelets to your elbows

55. Listen to Linkin Park to and from the Mission and defend them at ALL
costs

56. Get your arty friends to make a Slipknot mask for you

72. Rage, uh, like against the machine, man, whatever the machine is.

73. Say Slayer and Pantera are actually ripping off Static X's riffs.

74. Pretend your life is a Slipknot song, whereas it's actually a Blink 182 lyric.

75. Argue over who does the best Cartman impression.

76. Skate shoes - how do you expect to be clumsy without skate shoes?

77. Cry whenever you hear an Incubus song.

78. Slash you wrists - at Keroscene.

79. Think the Old Skool is where you go when you're 12.

80. Dismiss industrial music having heard the latest Nine Inch Nails.

81. your pain is way more valid than anyone elses

82. remind folk of 81 at any opportunity

83. NIN must be crap cos the singer doesnt wear a red cap

84. NIN are DANCE music anyway aren't they?, therefore crap.

85. wear a Tshirt out of Topshop that says "I (heart) my attitude problem" then say you are taking the piss

86. have never heard of Aphex Twin

87. or the jesus and mary chain

88. my wallet chain's bigger than yours

89. always try to "outbaggy" or "outscruff" your friends

90. pretend you have no friends but actually love being popular.

91. slag punks at least once an hour.

92. Another week, another Keroscene.

93. Act like someone has just rubbed human shit in your face when your mom says she quite likes that Stained song.

94. Learn about serial killers so you can be really, really, scary.

95. Favourite film - Dazed and Confused (even though you've never seen it)

96. Try to be sarcastic, but be unaware of the irony that you're actually speaking the truth.

97. Complain about being victimised.

98. Moan about being stereotyped by 101 lists.

99. Claim you like everything from The Smiths to Burzum.

100. Take a pen-knife to school and let your friend(s) know you have it in an attempt to convince them that you're thinking about killing your English teacher because you used copied Papa Roach lyrics word for word for a poem and your teacher said it was some of the worst poetry she has ever read. She told you it was trite and pathetic, though not in so many words, and you took this as a personal insult. The point she was getting at was that you were trying to define yourself in cliches, which means you don't have a separate identity. You missed this point and wrote a letter to Papa Roach telling them all that happened. They didn't reply and what you don't know is that they were actually pissing themselves with laughter at reading your letter because you are taking them seriously whilst they are cashing in or your insecurities, robbing you blind because you can only see yourself and no-one else.

101. Attempted suicide - you couldn't even get that right.

[The Destroyer]

The 101 rules of black metal were far better.

Also, I feel really, really dirty knowing that someone in Edinburgh wrote that, thanks to a couple of hints in there...

[Tranny]

That didn't even make me laugh..

In fact, that was quite gay

[Kane Knight]

Yeah, that was pretty weak.

[asphyXy]

Sucks. The black metal and prog metal lists were much better.

[Fryza]

Originally Posted by Eunos 2. Hide your fat arse in some baggier-than-thou jeans.

LOL. "Baggier-Than-Thou." HAHAHA, that's a keeper.

Otherwise, that sucked.

[Disturbed316]

I know some people who like 'nu-metal', and those dont apply to any of them

[asphyXy]

Lists like these aren't supposed to apply to anyone.

[Kane Knight]

Originally Posted by Disturbed316 I know some people who like 'nu-metal', and those dont apply to any of them

That's perhaps the funniest part.

There were maybe 3 or 4 stereotypes that had ANYTHING to do with nu-metal.

[Kane Knight]

Originally Posted by asphyXy Lists like these aren't supposed to apply to anyone.

Well, they're supposed to poke fun at stereotypes...

[The Destroyer]

Originally Posted by asphyXy Sucks. The black metal and prog metal lists were much better.

I've not seen the prog metal one... link?

I'm quite sure that's been done before. On www.buddyhead.com or something.

[asphyXy]

The 101 Rules of Progressive Metal


1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don’t necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don`t understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don`t need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don`t know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you`ve got it now, haven`t you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don`t kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993`s "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

[Kane Knight]

Awesome.



I love the notion that playing a solo in frygian is considered progressive. "Music should evolve" right back to the very fundmanets of modern music.

Anyone who gives that line deserves to be mocked with such a list.

[Silent]

I love prog rock, and that list is hilarious.

[el fregadero]

Originally Posted by Eunos 43. Love Kurt Cobain *cough..overated* and defend him with your life. 55. Listen to Linkin Park to and from the Mission and defend them at ALL costs 72. Rage, uh, like against the machine, man, whatever the machine is. 77. Cry whenever you hear an Incubus song.

Nirvana is not Nu Metal.

Linkin Park is a great band.

Rage Against The Machine is not Nu Metal.

Incubus has a little Nu Metal feel to them, but they still rule.

[Kane Knight]

Originally Posted by el fregadero Nirvana is not Nu Metal. Linkin Park is a great band. Rage Against The Machine is not Nu Metal. Incubus has a little Nu Metal feel to them, but they still rule.

Rage and Nirvana don't have to be Nu-Metal, that's not the point.

Incubus and Linkin Park may rule, but again, not the point.

And above all, JOKE.

[el fregadero]

I know it was a joke, I was pointing out it's flaws. If it's not Nu Metal, then why is it on a "101 rules of Nu Metal" list?

And what is "Keroscene"?

[Silent]

Keroscene is a club where local bands play.

[Kane Knight]

Originally Posted by el fregadero I know it was a joke, I was pointing out it's flaws. If it's not Nu Metal, then why is it on a "101 rules of Nu Metal" list?

So RATM has no effect on nu-metal?

[el fregadero]

No.

[el fregadero]

But many bands might have had an "affect" on Nu Metal. If the lead singer of *Nu Metal band* listened to Metallica, does that mean they had an affect on Nu Metal? If that's what you mean by affect, then I'm sure RATM did have an affect on them.

[Kane Knight]

Originally Posted by el fregadero But many bands might have had an "affect" on Nu Metal. If the lead singer of *Nu Metal band* listened to Metallica, does that mean they had an affect on Nu Metal? If that's what you mean by affect, then I'm sure RATM did have an affect on them.

That would make Metallica Nu-Metal, though, a step I'm not willing to take.

Certain bands greatly affected the popular music scene. That's not to say Metallica did not, but more tracing the direct line of influence to bands like Rage. Rage was one of the bands that broke the concept of crossing rap and rock into a unified sorta blend.

Nirvana was a flagship for image bands. Kurt Cobain is so synonymous with misunderstood teen agnst, how could this band not be to the point of this sorta joke?

[el fregadero]

Kane Knight wins again.

[Arashi Kage]

10. Don't listen to anything with a guitar solo.

How can you not love a guitar solo? Man, guitar solos like the one in Priest's One Shot at Glory are just plain awesome. Same as countless other Iron Maiden and Judas Priest songs.

[The Outlaw]

That sucked.

[samichna]

Originally Posted by The Outlaw That sucked.