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12-08-2003, 11:57 AM
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#1 |
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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Favorite Family Guy and Simpsons Quotes
In one this time.
Peter: A job? Lois, the 70's are over. Meg: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left dad alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet. (flashback to house being a giant puppet) Peter: Hey! Hey! Stay outta here. Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry! Peter: If we don't get enough airtime, I'll never get my own spin-off where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... in the center of the earth. [Theme song music plays] Peter(as bartender-umpire): Say! We don't get many of you molten-rock men in here... Rock-man: Well, at these prices, I'm not surprised. Peter: That's it buddy, YOU.....ARE....OUTTA HERE! [Crowd cheers] Brian: You know what would be fun? Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble! Quagmire: So, were you, like, in an accident, or what? Seamus: No, me father was a tree Peter: "The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth the badass mail clerk with a heart of gold" Peter starts flashing back Peter: "Hi Kenneth did I get any mail?" Kenneth: "No, and if you come any closer I'll slice you" Peter: "Okay, okay. *Peter walks away* Man what a badass" Worker: "Yeah well that badass just gave half his paycheck to orphans... Orphans with DISEASES." Stewie: Oh yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. [Brian, Peter, Stewie, and Chris sitting in living room wearing tuxes with top hats, each holding a glass of port] Stewie: The port is quite good. Brian: Yes, quite good. Chris: Indeed. Peter: Most certainly! Brian: What year is it? Chris: 51. Peter: Ah. Stewie: Delectable. Brian: Indeed. Chris. Yes. [Peter bursts into flames] Peter: Oh dear. Brian: What is it? Peter: I've spontaneously combusted. Stewie: Well I am sorry. Peter: Oh it's quite alright, I've grown tired of living. Stewie: Ah, very good then. Chris: For the best. Brian: Yes, indeed. Stewie: Is it raining again? Peter: If you could be with one chick, who would you choose? Cleveland: Margaret Thatcher Everyone: EW, UGH. Cleveland: OH, SO NO ONE HERE THINKS POWER IS SEXY. NOT ONE PERSON HERE THINKS POWER IS SEXY. Servant#1: More coffee madam? Lois: I can get that Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on. Stewie: Cut my eggs! Servant#2: Your eggs are cut, sir. Stewie: Cut my milk! Servant#2: I can't, sir. It's liquid. Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail and I'll promise you I won't make it easy for you. Daggermouth: Perhaps I can offer you a glass of port. And you, a glass of starboard. Ha ha ha! That's a little nautical humor. I'm a fish, you see. Peter Griffin: So what happened to the guy that stole the money? Joe Swanson: Ironically, when I fell on him I severed his spine. Peter Griffin: Sounds like you got some more competition at next year's Special People's Games. HehHehHehHehHeh. Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead. Black comedian: ... That ain't how it happened! Some brother just fell in the ocean. Crowd: (laughs) Peter: Oh yeah I remember that, and all those seals died... It was all over the news... The channel 2 news with Dan Rather? ... Actually, come to think of it, I think Connie Chung might have been filling in for him that night... Wellll... 'bout time for me to be hittin' the old "dusty trail"... I like your hat... Oops, can't get out that way... [alarm goes off] Found the emergency exit. [next scene] Black teacher: (says something about African American history) Peter: [Arsenio Hall chant] [everyone looks at him] ... Well... I should probably be "saddlin' up" now... [alarm goes off] Whoop, found the fire door. Brian: Remember that time you narrated your own life? Peter: "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois knocks Peter unconscious.] I woke several hours later in a daze." |
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12-08-2003, 12:13 PM
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#2 |
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1337ard
Posts: 217
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Brian: Remember that time you narrated your own life?
Peter: "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois knocks Peter unconscious.] I woke several hours later in a daze." I have been looking for this quote forever. Thanks Last edited by Elements; 12-08-2003 at 12:35 PM. |
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12-08-2003, 12:59 PM
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#3 |
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Tedious Inevitability
Posts: 7,521
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The whole thing with Stewies "Sexy Parties".
--- Peter: "Hey, wheres my VCR?" Redneck One: "Dangitt Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box" Redneck Two: "Its *MY* sex box, and her name is Sony" Also, the bit where Stewie writes "Poppycock" on the wall... Last edited by Tornado; 12-08-2003 at 03:05 PM. |
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12-08-2003, 03:04 PM
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#4 |
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Has an evil monkey...
Posts: 7,299
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The one where Stewie and Brian go to Germany are on the tour bus, can't be bothered right now to look it up or remember it. But basically the tour guide says that the whole of Germany went on holiday during 1939-1945
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12-08-2003, 03:14 PM
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#5 |
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+ Hysteria +
Posts: 107
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Anything Stewie says is hilarious.
 Stewie - Yes, But NO sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find... I shall KILL you. 
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12-08-2003, 03:15 PM
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#6 |
Posts: 8,795
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Niles: Frasier, you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed tuscan villa, you sit around the magnificently appointed tuscan villa.
Peter: Wow! This is the smartest show on TV. |
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12-08-2003, 03:33 PM
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#7 | ||||
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FIT Challenge Slag People
Posts: 13,816
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I know this is probably instant death, but I've never really watched "Family Guy." "Simpsons" on the other hand..."That's where I'm a Viking!"
Bart: Milhouse! You were supposed to be the night watchman! Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over, then it fell over. Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman! Lou: I went to the McDonalds over in Shelbyville the other day. Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what? Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2000 locations in this state alone. Eddie: Hmm...Must've sprung up over night. Lou: But you know, its the little differences. Chief Wiggum: Example? Lou: Well at a McDonalds you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it? Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese. Chief Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese...well I can see the cheese but? Hey, do they have Krusty's Partially Gelatinated Gum-Based beverages? Lou: Yeah, they call them 'shakes.' Eddie: *Pfft* 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'. Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. Homer: D'oh-eth! Kang: Holy fleurking schnit! Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic. Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting. Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem! Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln? Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children. Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries? Dr. Nick: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch. ...Uh oh. Alien: I bring you love! Larry: It's bringing love, don't let it get away! Carl: Break its legs! Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie! Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman! Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store. Homer: This isn't very convenient. Apu: Must you knock on everything we do? Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Damn, there's a lot of these... I could keep going for days. Basically, anything that Ralph says, most of what Homer says and...ah, hell, it'll take me dozens of these posts to get to them all! Quote:
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12-08-2003, 08:31 PM
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#8 |
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Luke 15:11-32
Posts: 3,933
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I'd like to believe I'm pretty strong with my faith in God, but this pretty much cracked me up. I thought it would be a bit controversial but if you're too stupid to know Bart isn't real then hey.
But anyway... it's from the Simpsons. Mr. Burns is running for Mayor or something and he's having dinner at the Simpsons house. The event is being televised and Homer asks Bart to say a prayer before dinner. Bart says "Dear God, we paid for all this food so hey, thanks for nothin'."  |
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12-08-2003, 08:50 PM
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#9 |
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Posts: 4,668
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Ralph Wiggum: Why does everybody run away when they see me? *wets pants and smiles*
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12-08-2003, 09:54 PM
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#10 |
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LIMITLESS
Posts: 32,273
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hey, TX, way to steal that sig from evboard.com
"My belly's just a little big, my heinie's just a little big, but bruddah, I'm bad and they know I'm bad." - Dusty Rhodes
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12-08-2003, 10:19 PM
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#11 |
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Shocker
Posts: 3,124
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And remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.
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12-08-2003, 10:58 PM
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#12 |
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And the Full Effect
Posts: 565
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stewie + rocket man = cool
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12-09-2003, 06:55 AM
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#13 | |
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Tedious Inevitability
Posts: 7,521
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Quote:
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12-09-2003, 02:16 PM
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#14 | |
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Luke 15:11-32
Posts: 3,933
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Quote:
EDIT: I just tried to log in but I'm banned again. But if you don't believe me. Log in name: Kizzle_Smizzle Password: Sheezie When you try to log in it will pop up the ban message. That board would be a lot cooler if the mods weren't such jackoffs. Last edited by Kenny; 12-09-2003 at 02:22 PM. Reason: Update |
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12-09-2003, 02:45 PM
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#15 |
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The Caption Crippler
Posts: 8,855
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I don't remember the exact quote, but it was the episode where Homer becomes a missionary and he's running from the people at PBS and Homer says to Lovejoy: "Help, this mob is being brought to you by the people from the Chubb Corporation", and of course, from that episode the classic "Save me Jebus"
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12-09-2003, 02:47 PM
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#16 | |
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LIMITLESS
Posts: 32,273
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Quote:
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12-09-2003, 04:37 PM
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#17 |
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Crash Bang
Posts: 21,391
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that one where he says what if he was on a sitcom as a retired umpire who becomes a bartender
good rep for anyone who can find it |
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12-09-2003, 04:57 PM
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#18 |
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LIMITLESS
Posts: 32,273
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Way to read the thread.
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12-09-2003, 05:20 PM
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#19 | |
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Tedious Inevitability
Posts: 7,521
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Quote:
Peter: "And i'll have my own show as a retired baseball umpire who owns a bar.......at the center of the earth" Peter: "Wow, we don't get many molten rock men around here" Molten Rock Man: "At these peices i'm not surprised" Peter: "Thats it buddy, YOU. ARE. OUTTAHERE" Not sure on the episode, could be 15 Minutes of Shame... Last edited by Tornado; 12-09-2003 at 05:21 PM. Reason: typo |
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12-09-2003, 08:46 PM
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#20 |
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Crash Bang
Posts: 21,391
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lol thanks tornado
wadding shut the fuck up |
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12-09-2003, 08:58 PM
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#21 |
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Jamiroquai Bodega
Posts: 18,627
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lol i agree with twiztid
stfu wadding |
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12-09-2003, 11:47 PM
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#22 | |
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Posts: 8,795
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Quote:
Oh man, the first time I saw that I laughed my ass off. I didn't see it coming at all. |
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12-10-2003, 12:21 AM
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#23 |
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Shocker
Posts: 3,124
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Peter: I got no idea how to be black... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken.
Stewie: All this time spent stopping people from having sex...I feel like the Catholic church. BA-ZING! |
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12-10-2003, 01:00 AM
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#24 |
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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Wadding, shut the **** up.
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12-10-2003, 01:02 AM
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#25 |
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Unnecessarily awesome
Posts: 8,323
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Peter: Trust me Chris, you don't wanna mess with drugs. I tried them once and things got WAY too real
*flash to an actual guy in a Peter costume* Real life Peter: Holy crap, I am freakin' out! |
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12-10-2003, 06:19 AM
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#26 |
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1337ard
Posts: 217
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"Time for a sexy party!"
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12-10-2003, 03:50 PM
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#27 |
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Posts: 4,668
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Ralph Wiggum: Hi Principal Skinner, Hi Super Nintendo Chommers
Snake: (at a pee wee hockey game) That is like so touching I wish I had Pee Wee hockey when I was a lad, Oh Well (starts destroying things) Homer: There is a Crayon in my brain? (points at his chest) |
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12-10-2003, 08:58 PM
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#28 |
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The People's Member
Posts: 18,092
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"Go on"
"Because you touch yourself at night" |
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12-10-2003, 10:50 PM
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#29 | |
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Shocker
Posts: 3,124
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Quote:
"Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?" "Because you touch yourself at night." |
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12-11-2003, 06:09 AM
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#30 |
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Strength beyond strength
Posts: 144
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(Family Guy: After the Black Knight has told Peter Griffin that he'd kill him if he saw him again)
Black Knight: What is YOUR fat ass doing here?! Guy (sitting on donkey/ass): He's my only means of transportation, but I guess I do spoil him... Black Knight: Clearly you do..........AND WHAT ABOUT YOU GRIFFIN?!?! |
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12-11-2003, 06:10 AM
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#31 |
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Strength beyond strength
Posts: 144
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(In that episode where they had 3 tales of the Griffin family, the tale where they gain superpowers from toxic waste, Brian's incredible speed)
Brian: Ask me how the Queen of England is. Lois How's the Qu... Brian: She's great. Brian: And I'll go to China to see if theres a cure...no. |
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12-11-2003, 06:15 AM
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#32 |
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Strength beyond strength
Posts: 144
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Can't remember the exact quote, but here goes, Stewie talking to a bully:
Stewie: I believe that your bullying of others is a result from a deep emotional inner pain, and I think we can cure this with a healthy does of OUTER PAIN!!!!! (Pulling out net-fireing bazooka as hes saying the last part). |
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12-11-2003, 07:15 AM
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#33 |
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bonjour
Posts: 27,809
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Marge: Have you noticed anything different about Bart?
Homer: New glasses? Marge: No, I mean, he seems kind of depressed. Homer: Probably misses his old glasses. Vampire Burns: Well! If it isn't little...uh... BOY! Homer: Who wants to drive through that cactus patch? Bart: ME! Lisa: ME! Sideshow Bob: *Under the car* NO! Homer: Well, two against one! Homer: ...and then Lisa cried. Then I cried. And Maggie laughed. She's such a trooper! Luigi: Hey! Krusty! You come-a with me, you don't wanna sit-a with the rest of the scum. *Crowd mumbles its disapproval* Luigi: I only consider you scum compared-a to Krusty! *Crowd approves of this reasoning* Luigi: Yeah, you see how you scum. |
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12-14-2003, 05:22 PM
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#34 |
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Tap-In
Posts: 20,300
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*Marge kisses Homer*
Homer : That's the best kiss I've gotten all night. (thinking aloud : Or was it?) |
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12-14-2003, 09:14 PM
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#35 | |
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That Entenbrot, The Mask
Posts: 56,852
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Quote:
 me and my friend used to crack up quoting these at high school 
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12-15-2003, 01:17 PM
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#36 |
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WOOOOOOOOO!
Posts: 12,227
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IRS Lady: Have you ever had any medical expenses in the past year?
Peter: You can claim those? Had I known that I would'nt have used the discount surgeaon *Flashback* Surgeon: Oh man...ok...what do I do? Peter: Ok...take the red one and connect it to the blue one Flatlines and surgeon un does it Peter: Did that kill me? ok I thought so. Anyone remember what the episode was whre peter turned the house into a gian puppet? |
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12-15-2003, 07:46 PM
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#37 |
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L.G. Fuad
Posts: 4,832
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the one simpson's episode when lisa goes to the spelling bee...( the rib wich one...)
lisa is running around to different people Barney- " Spell Relapse" Lisa- " R E L A P S E " Barney- " Thats what beer has done to me... soc it to me soc it to me soc it to me" The Artist Formally Known as Ecko 03 Complex   Will-E-Vengeance |
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12-15-2003, 08:08 PM
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#38 |
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FIT Challenge Slag People
Posts: 13,816
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Okay, I got more...
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! [A rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican! Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom! Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N! Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down! Barney: [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; Clean, sober, and hardworking. Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. Barney: Just stick it in my veins! Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman. Homer: That's not how I remember it. Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt. Clerk: I see. Do you a receipt, quote-unquote sir? Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt. Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return. Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it. Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them. Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you. Homer: I like you. Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you. Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better. Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there! Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything. Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible! Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours. Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! That just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! Marge: Homer! Homer: Sorry, Moe, gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [gunshot, Flanders is knocked down] Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my... [second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again] Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. Uh, I'm going home now. [as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe] Homer: What keeps doing that? Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. [In the car on the way to Florida] Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me! Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing! Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father's just had a breakdown. Homer: My pockets hurt. [Homer and his band are performing a 4th of July concert in New York City] Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons. Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all. [Screams and jumps into the ocean] Marge: You awful, awful man! Stay away from my son! Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER! Homer: Oh, no! Sideshow Bob: Wait. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Sideshow Bob: I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again! Marge: No! Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer. Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands] Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... [bites] Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious. |
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12-16-2003, 03:46 AM
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#39 | |
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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12-16-2003, 07:32 AM
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#40 |
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Tedious Inevitability
Posts: 7,521
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Lionel Hutz: Uh Oh, we've drawn Judge Snieder..
Marge: Is that bad? Lionel: Well hes had it in for me ever since I kinda run over his dog.... Marge: Oh Dear! Lionel: Well, replace the word kinda with repeatedly, and the word dog, with son... |
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Linear Mode
