MAW MELEE (EPISODE IV)

[Nowhere Man]

Tonight's show comes to you live, from the Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.









The camera pans across the crowd of screaming Canadian fans, holding up their lovely Canadian signs.











Tucker: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Tanner Tucker, alongside 'Captain' Class, and welcome to MAW Melee! We're north of the border tonight, and like the Canadian healthcare system, we've got pain and abuse completely free for everyone.....as long as you don't mind waiting an unreasonably long time for it!

Class: Well, 'free' isn't the same thing as 'taxpayer subsidized,' but I get what you're going for. We've got a stacked card on the eve of Body Count. Six men are set to vie for the World Heavyweight Title in the Elimination Chamber, and those six will meet in a 3-on-3 tag team match tonight! Can the massive egos of Ted O'Donnell, MVP, and Seymour withstand the combined team of Danny Electric, Trismegistus Smith, and Lou P. Daight?



Tucker: Also in store tonight, a 4-way battle for the Gauntlet title #1 contender's spot, and a 3-way match for the Gauntlet Title itself! Rampage gets ready for his solo Tag Team Title shot by taking on the team of Langston English and SuperMax, and Terminator prepares for his Anarchy Title shot in an Anarchy Rules match with the inexplicable Slater!

Class: Speaking of inexplicable, Razorthirst 'David' Doomhammer is going to try and get some revenge on the PAIN Patrol by taking on their leader, 'Wild' Colin Powers! After what they did to Job Conquest, you've got to believe that they've got something nasty in mind for Doomhammer.



Tucker: In addition, newcomer Rocky Brenham gets his proper in-ring debut tonight, against the House's speech-impeded enforcer, Double-Talk!

Class: But first, rookie sensation Tyler Frost gets his second of three choice opponents. Last week, he got a tainted victory over the World Champion thanks to the interference of MVP, and he's not happy about it! Frost wants to teach Parsons a lesson, and it's next!

MATCH #1: TYLER FROST vs. MICHAEL VINCENT PARSONS



The crowd gives a big yay to the Eskimo Warrior as he makes his way to the ring.







Tucker: Tyler Frost is a man on a mission tonight, to avenge the horrific wrongdoings against his hero and mine, Ted O'Donnell!

Class: I'm pretty sure he wanted this match because he wanted a clean victory, not--

Tucker: Go get 'im, Tyler! Make the Debt Collector proud!



Massive boos echo through the arena for MVP.

SPOILER: show

Class: Parsons is pulling double-duty tonight, so you can bet he wants to get this match over with as quickly as possible.

Tucker: And after what he did last week, he'd better have one eye looking over his shoulder!

The bell rings, and the two square off.



Frost extends his hand in a display of sportsmanship.....



.....but MVP slaps it away....



.....then shoves Frost for good measure.



Tyler keeps his cool.....



....until Parsons slaps him in the face.





Tucker: Uh-oh. Mr. Nice Guy looks like he's losing his temper....

Frost unloads on MVP with a huge right cross to the jaw!



The former World Champion staggers.....



.....then eats a dropkick!



The Living Legend stumbles to the corner, while Frost does a run-up.....



.....and hits a crushing knee!





Tucker: Tyler Frost is delivering some explosive offense here!

Class: Well, there's only so long you can kick a guy around before he starts kicking back.

MVP finally breaks Frost's momentum with a thumb to the eye.



Tyler retreats, enough for Parsons to come charging out of the corner....



.....and he knocks Frost for a loop with a dropkick from his own!



Tucker: Much as I hate him for what he did to Ted, I've gotta admire MVP's finesse. Just look at the difference between his dropkick and Frost's.

Class: Whaddya mean?

Tucker: Frost's was a solid hit, but a little sloppy--his feet were further apart, giving him two separate impacts. MVP, though, hit with his feet closer together, giving him one really solid impact in one spot. Stuff like that really marks the difference between a rookie and a veteran!



Class: Wait a minute, what's--

Tucker: TED O'DONNELL! THE DEBT COLLECTOR IS HERE!!!!

Ted stares down MVP in the ring.....





.....then sits down to watch the match.



Parsons tries to shake off the distraction, going back to work on Frost with a kick to the back.



Followed by a kick to the face.



Wasting no time, he picks Frost up.



He sets the rookie up for a backdrop....



....lifts him up.....



.....and plants him down hard!



MVP takes a moment to smirk at O'Donnell.



Tucker: Look at that grin! What a hideous monster of a man!

Class: Parsons isn't as intent on beating Frost now, as he is on sending a message to the Debt Collector!

MVP applies a rear naked choke.



Frost is fast to fight it, turning quickly to get to one knee....



....then to a vertical base, coming up from underneath with elbows to the midsection.



MVP releases the hold, and Frost hits the ropes.....



....but gets met with a knee to the midsection!



Frost hangs on, though, and uses the momentum to carry him over....



.....into a schoolboy roll-up!



......1


......2


......MVP kicks out!



Careful there, Mikey! He almost had you that time!

Parsons is quick to his feet, clearly not happy with the rollup or with Ted's snide commentary.



He charges in while Frost recuperates.....



.....and blasts him with a running enzugiri!





Oooh, that looked like it hurt. Golly, I'd sure hate it if someone hit me really hard in the back of the head.

Parsons drags Frost up.....



.....and rams him hard into the corner post!



He chokes the rookie in the corner, while the referee makes the 5-count.





Oh my, is someone getting irritated? Careful with that temper, Parsons, don't wanna get yourself disqualified.

He whips his opponent across the ring.....



.....and Frost hits the opposite corner hard.



MVP charges in for a big running shoulder block.....





Don't screw up!

MVP stumbles just a bit by the distraction, which allows Frost to get out of the way and send Parsons head-first into the steel ring post!





*sigh*.....what did I just say?

In a daze, MVP rolls onto the apron....



....and flops down to the floor.



Class: Parsons hit his head pretty hard there. He might have a concussion!

Tucker: Serves him right if he does!

While MVP recovers on the outside, Tyler Frost does a run-up off of the ropes.



He charges, for a big suicide dive!



....but MVP reverses, turning into a mid-air powerslam into the corner of the announcer's table!!!





Tucker: OH MY GOD, what an impact! The table didn't break, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tyler Frost's back did!

The referee calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING!*



Wait......what--



Using the announcer's table counts as using a weapon. You just got yourself disqualified, doofus.



Now go back to the locker room, get yourself an ice pack for that thick skull of yours, and get ready for the tag match.



Oh, and if you think me costing you your match makes up for you costing me my match last week, you've got another thing coming.....



.....because you still owe me, and I intend to collect.



Tucker: Turnabout's fair play, and the Debt Collector has certainly turned the tables on Parsons!



Class: The House's twin titanic egos continue to snipe at each other, and now that blow to MVP's head might really come back to haunt them later tonight!



Tucker: Though speaking of injuries, Tyler Frost certainly got the worst of that impact. Look at that welt he's got down his side!

Class: A lot of people would say that's a small price to pay to have a victory over MVP, on top of a win over Ted O'Donnell! Still, I wouldn't be surprised if his choice for opponents at Body Count is a bit easier.

WINNER VIA DQ: TYLER FROST

[Nowhere Man]

Tucker: Looks like we've got another newcomer here! It's Swish--we haven't heard much from this guy, but he's hoping his actions speak louder than words!



Class: Rumor has it this guy is like a tornado coming at you. But that's yet to be confirmed.





Excuse me, Mr. Swish. If I might interrupt?





I couldn't help but notice that in one of your debut, you were engaging in the sport of parkour. This is a very dangerous and potentially deadly activity, one that I, as a member of the PAIN Patrol, cannot abide in good conscience.



So since neither you nor I have actually made our debuts in the MAW ring, I suggest we both do it at Body Count. I'm challenging you to a match, and I hope to eliminate both you and your incredibly unsafe behavior from MAW in short order.



Tucker: Well, um, there we go, I guess. We've got ourselves a pay-per-view match.

Class: The PAIN Patrol's not shy about butting into people's business, and it looks like they want Swish to butt out before he can even start!


--------------------


MATCH #2: ROCKY BRENHAM vs. DENTON "DOUBLE-TALK" DASH




Rocky Brenham gets a moderate pop as he makes his way to the ring.









Tucker: Rocky Brenham made his in-ring debut last week by pinning Sonny after Rampage booted our co-GM in the face. That little embarrassment has put the new guy squarely in the crosshairs of the House!

Class: Which is a shame, because he seems like a pretty cool guy.



The pop turns into boos for the House's henchman.









Tucker: The usually unflappable Double-Talk seems to have been a little irritated by Brenham, and he's looking to put the hurt on him tonight!

The bell rings, and Brenham goes on the offense, throwing some hard rights at Dash.

[

DT shuts him down with a knee to the midsection.



He climbs out onto the apron, possibly looking for a springboard attack....



.....but Brenham grabs his opponent.....



.....and takes him over with a big vertical suplex!





Tucker: Solid impact from Rocky Brenham! Double-Talk looks like he's off his game here!

Rocky pulls Double-Talk into the corner.



He winds up......



*CRACK!*



Class: What a chop! That sounded like a rifle going off!

Double-Talk scrambles up the ropes......



....but when he takes off, Brenham catches him in a face-crusher!



Tucker: Very nice reversal, nearly identical to MVP's Initial Impact! This could be over!

Brenham goes for the pin!




......1



......2



.......3!

*DING DING DING!*

The crowd pops for the upset as Rocky is announced the winner.



Tucker: That's two wins in as many matches for Rocky Brenham, and two weeks straight he's caused the House some embarassment.

A stunned Double-Talk gets to his feet.....



.....and grabs Brenham from behind!







Class: Double Jeopardy! Brenham just got laid out!



Tucker: Sonny wanted Double-Talk to put the newcomer in his place, and he's still trying to get it done! I doubt the outcome of this match is going to sit well with either of these men!

Class: Or with Sonny, for that matter!

WINNER: ROCKY BRENHAM

[Nowhere Man]

MATCH #3: RAZORTHIRST DOOMHAMMER vs. "WILD" COLIN POWERS




Out comes Razorthirst Doomhammer to an inconceivably huge reaction.




Tucker: Last week, in one of the finest moments in Melee history, Razorthirst Doomhammer was pummeled by the members of the PAIN Patrol for trying to protect his partner, Job Conquest.

Class: "David" has been suffering an internal struggle about committing such a "heroic" ac--

Tucker: Hang on, Class, look!






Tucker: Doomhammer sent into the steps for the second week in a row!


The members of the PAIN Patrol stalk Doomhammer to continue their assault.








Dr. Chris Johnson, M.D. pulls Doomhammer back into the ring (with authority!), setting up for...







...a huge move on the ropes from Kidd Jamison...






...which makes Little Jeffrey very happy!






Class: Come on! The Patrol is softening up Doomhammer, and the bell hasn't even rung yet.


Tucker: Of course it hasn't! Colin Powers is still backstage.



The referee pleads with the good doctor to try to end this attack.






But that just gives Jamison an opening to do more damage.

















The referee, perhaps responding to the repeated "thud" sounds coming from behind him, figures out what Kidd is doing and attempts to reprimand him.






Jamison finally backs off.





Johnson does not.

SPOILER: show

Tucker: And now it's time for our next match!


Class: "Wild" Colin Powers sent his friends from the PAIN Patrol out to pummel Razorthirst Doomhammer, and now he's ready to pick up the pieces.


Tucker: To be fair, only two members of the Patrol were pummeling Doomhammer. Jeffrey just smiled a lot.


Class: ...how does that qualify as "fair?"







Tucker: Powers utilizing the patented PAIN Patrol Entrance Safety Platform. Did you know 73.4% of all wrestling injuries are climbing-to-the-apron-related?


Class: You just made that up, didn't you?


Now that the Patrol has left the ring, the referee reluctantly calls for the bell to start the match. Powers pulls Doomhammer to his feet...






...and nails the Walk On The Wild Side!







.......1










.........2











.........3!

*DING DING*


Class: Powers steals one from Razorthirst Doomhammer! And now for the second week in a row, a member of DoomQuest is laid out by the PAIN Patrol!










WINNER: COLIN POWERS

[Nowhere Man]

MATCH #4: ANARCHY RULES MATCH
TERMINATOR vs. SLATER




Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that tonight's Anarchy Rules match.......



.....will be a Bed of Thumbtacks Match!



Tucker: Can.....can we do that on National TV?

Class: Well, we're about to find out, aren't we?



The crowd cheers for Terminator.

SPOILER: show

Tucker: Terminator won a #1 contender's spot for the Anarchy Division Title in what a lot of people would consider to be an upset win over Avenger. Tonight's match is going to be a warm-up for his match with Langston English!

Class: Only in MAW could throwing your opponent onto a bed of thumbtacks be considered a warm-up!

SPOILER: show

The cheers continue for the Bizarr-O-Beast Slater.







Tucker: Slater's a.....well, he's an odd duck, isn't he?

Class: When you're as big and tough as Slater, you don't really have to make sense.

The bell rings, and Slater is quick to dump out the thumbtacks onto the mat.





Tucker: Hooo boy, the PAIN Patrol is not gonna be happy about this.



Class: Wait, what's Slater doing now?



Tucker: Good Lord! Slater intentionally stuck his hand in the pile of thumbtacks!

*DING DING DING!*

Terminator seems confused as the ref calls for the bell.





That was easy! I had more trouble escaping from hell than winning this match!



You didn't win, you Neptunian nimrod.



Oh. Well, how about now?





That's.....that's just......you're supposed to throw your opponent into the tacks, not yourself!



.....well that makes a lot more sense.



WINNER: TERMINATOR

[Nowhere Man]

Match #5: 2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH
LANGSTON ENGLISH AND SUPERMAX vs. RAMPAGE

SPOILER: show

Class: Engage, I guess.

SPOILER: show

Tucker: Dubbisag be praised.

Class: I hear that.

SPOILER: show

Tucker: Rampage is fighting the odds tonight.

Class: SuperMax and Langston certainly are odd.









Rampage gingerly enters the ring.



*DING DING*



He immediately charges across the ring, and boots SuperMax in the face.



The impact sends him flying into the ring crew, in a sitting position.



Rampage turns his attention to Langston, who is busy showing concern for his partner.





He delivers the same move.





Rampage stocks up on pain, and begins to deliver his load to Langston's ill-prepared face.









The beating continues with a series of knees.











Rampage applies a headlock.





Rampage, did you know that cutting the blood flow to the brain for longer than ten seconds, can result in serious brain damage, or even death?



Not only that, but it's also dangerous!





Did you also know that your ginger sweat cells, when combined with the exact chemical compound found in Langston English's face paint, can cause a minor skin rash?



Prove you have a soul, Ryan. Break the hold.





The distraction gives SuperMax time to recover.



He slides in, then drills Rampage in the mouth.





The ginger avinger staggers right into...



Tucker: The Deadpan!





Langston covers.



1...


2...


3!

*DING DING DING*





Tucker: Once again, the PAIN Patrol has cost another victory tonight! You can bet Kidd Jamison and Dr. Chris Johnson, M.D., are hoping this softens Rampage up for their handicap match at Body Count!

Class: I'd say that's a safe bet. Eh? Ehhh? See what I did there?

WINNERS: LANGSTON ENGLISH AND SUPERMAX

[Nowhere Man]

MATCH #6: GAUNTLET TITLE #1 CONTENDER'S MATCH:
THUNDER vs. JEFF CLARK vs. "BADMOUTH" BOBBY BEAMER vs. JAMES STEELE

SPOILER: show

Big pop for the war hero.



Tucker: Thunder has to be one of the favorites going into this match to earn a shot at the Gauntlet Title, but it's probably not the first thing on his mind right now.



Class: That's right, he and Avenger have been at each other's throats. You have to wonder if Avenger will make an appearance during this match.



Thunder slaps hands with some fellow vets.

SPOILER: show

A chorus of boos for the Grinder. Especially from the fatties.


Tucker: Jeff Clark has been kind of stagnant in the last few months, and a win tonight can help him get his momentum back.



Class: That's what happens when you get involved with Dementia. She probably set Seymour's career back 5 years.

SPOILER: show

The boos turn into cheers for Badmouth.


Class: I'll be honest, I don't know how comfortable I feel being at ringside if Bobby Beamer goes into a murderous rage.



Tucker: Enough, there's no clear evidence what actually happened to Doctor Fly. Beamer is clamoring for the opportunity to face Phineas Dinsdale after his lawyer, Fix Fnudel, cost him a place in the Elimination Chamber match at Body count last week.





The referee checks Beamer for any deadly weapons.





Mixed reaction for James Steele.



Tucker: Steele is in a similar position to Jeff Clark in this match where he's hit a bit of a wall.


Class: That's true, he was screwed out of being the first ever MAW World Champion, and he was close to defeating Lou P. Daight to get another shot at the World Title, but he came up short.







*DING DING*

Thunder and Steele lock up.



Thunder traps Steele in a headlock.



And quickly turns it over into a Crossface.



Steele grabs the ropes and Thunder lets go.



Meanwhile, Beamer lays into Jeff Clark in the corner.



Clark loses his balance and hits the ground.


Class: I don't like where this is going.

Beamer grabs Clark by both legs...



...and slams him back on the mat.



Beamer reaches for Clark, but he kicks him away.



The Grinder tackles Beamer to the ground.



Clark tries to lock in a submission hold, but Beamer fights him off...



...and reverses into his own submission hold.



Steele is clocking Thunder with some rights.



Thunder is backed into the turnbuckles.



Steele pummels Thunder in the corner until the referee breaks it up.



He sneaks one more stomp in then walks away.



Beamer continues to hold Clark...



...until Steele breaks up the maneuver and puts Beamer in a headlock.



Beamer pushes Steele into the ropes...



...and Steele counters with a jumping knee strike.



Both men hit the canvas hard.



Thunder and Jeff Clark prepare to grapple.



They lock up.



Thunder twists the arm of Clark.



Clarks reverses the hold...



...and executes an Abdominal Stretch.



Clark applies pressure on the hold.





Thunder struggles to reverse the hold.



He gives Clark an Armbar Takedown.



Thunder continues to lock up Clark's arm.



He brings Clark back to his feet.



Thunder lets go to attempt a German Suplex, but Clark begins to break free.



Clark grapples Thunder from the backside.



Class: I hear Clark prefers backdoor maneuvers.



Tucker: You're talking about wrestling, right?



Clark brings Thunder back up...



...and lifts him up for a Vertical Suplex.



Beamer and Steele start exchanging grapples.



Beamer wins the battle and attempts a Headlock Takedown.



Steele forces Beamer into the ropes and pushes him off.





Only to be met with a shoulder block from Beamer.



Beamer runs toward the ropes as Steele stands up...



...but Steele catches him and lifts him up for a Spinebuster.


Tucker: That had to hurt.



Jeff Clark is gearing up on the top turnbuckle.



He goes for a Happy Hour Splash...



...but Thunder rolls out of the way to avoid it.





Thunder picks Clark up and pulls him in...



...and hits a Belly-to-Belly Suplex.



Clark gets back to his feet as Thunder lies in wait.



Thunder hits Clark with a German Suplex.



He keeps his grip on Clark and picks him back up.



Thunder hits another German Suplex.



He stands him up a third time...



...but Thunder loses his grip and Clark escapes.



He springs off the ropes...



...and is met with a brutal clothesline by Thunder.



Thunder grabs hold of Clarks ankle.



Tucker: He's got him in the Thunderlock! This could be over!

Steele tries to break up the hold, but Beamer catches him, unaware of what's going on.



Beamer grapples Steele into the turnbuckle and holds him there, getting the referee's attention.



The two continue to tangle along the ropes and the referee tries to break it up.



Suddenly, Avenger starts running down the ramp.



Class: Avenger is here! He's got his eyes locked on Thunder!



Tucker: Avenger just nailed Thunder with the Impaler!!!



Avenger makes a quick exit to avoid being seen.
Class: Avenger's getting in some damage early for his match with Thunder at Body Count.



Beamer takes notice of what just happened.



Tucker: Beamer picks up Thunder for Dead Air!!!



Until someone starts rushing toward the ring...



Class: It's Phineas Dinsdale's legal advisor, Fix Fnudel!



He quickly takes a microphone.



Fnudel: PUT THAT MAN DOWN RIGHT NOW! MR. BEAMER IS A COLD-BLOODED KILLER!!!

Beamer drops Thunder and starts heading toward Fix Fnudel...



...but Steele intercepts him.



Tucker: James Steele out of nowhere...



TWISTED STEELE!!!



Steele covers...



1...






2...






3!

*DING DING DING*



Tucker: James Steele saw an opportunity while Bobby Beamer was distracted yet again by Fix Fnudel and picks up the win, and a shot at the Gauntlet Championship at Body Count.


Class: Fix Fnudel didn't want his client to be Bobby Beamer's next homicide victim and he made sure of it, but it comes at the cost of defending the title against James Steele. Personally, I might have taken my chances with the Grim Reaper.


Tucker: And you have to think that Bobby Beamer will want to get his hands on Fnudel for costing him 2 title shots in 2 weeks!


Tucker: Also, we now know that Thunder and Avenger will finally get to settle their score one-on-one at Body Count.
Class: I would say Thunder will have a chip on his shoulder for Avenger costing him a shot at the Gauntlet Title, but the chance to face Avenger alone might be what he wants more right now.



WINNER AND GAUNTLET TITLE #1 CONTENDER: JAMES STEELE

[Nowhere Man]

]MATCH #7: GAUNTLET CHAMPIONSHIP
PHINEAS DINSDALE vs. WES LANG vs. RODNEY OCULUS

SPOILER: show

The crowd give a mixed reaction for Rodney.











Tucker: Rodney's been under the influence of Wes Lang since Beach Party Massacre, having to do everything he says. Which also means that his loyalties are being pulled away from the House.

Class: So there's some good coming out of it then!



Lang gets a nice decent pop as he makes his way to the ring.







Tucker: Lang and Phineas have crossed paths before, but this time both men have backup in their corner, as we already saw the influence of Fix Fnudel tonight.

Class: Well, technically Wes and Rodney are opponents in this match, but I guess they'll probably work together, yeah.

SPOILER: show

The cheers become boos for Phineas.











Tucker: Phineas is one tough customer, but against two opponents, will he be able to hold onto the Gauntlet Title?

Class: Well, if he can't, I'll bet good money his legal advisor will have something to say about it.

The bell rings, and Wes starts things off, sending Dinsdale into the ropes.



The big man comes bounding back.....



.....but Lang takes him over with a back body drop!



Rodney puts the boots to Phineas while he's on the mat....



....then chokes him against the ropes.





Tucker: So far, Rodney and Lang are really taking it to Phineas. It's gonna be hard for the Champ to make a comeback against constant pressure from two opponents!

The ref forces a clean break, and Oculus backs off.



However, Wes Lang picks him up....



....and delivers a big slam!



Tucker: The 2-on-1 assault continues! At this rate, the Gauntlet Champion is going to be in some real trouble!

STOP RIGHT THERE!





Tucker: Oh, good. Because we were all really hoping to see more of Fix Fnudel tonight, weren't we?



The fact that my client is being forced to participate in a match clearly designed to be at his disadvantage is an outrage, and I will not stand for it!



I demand that--



Tucker: THERE'S THE KICKER ON FIX FNUDEL!

Class: I know to the folks at home that it looks like he just delivered the Kicker to Rodney Oculus, but that's an optical illusion caused by our satellite feed being interfered with by the aurora borealis! He did, in fact, deliver the Kicker to Fix Fnudel and not Rodney Oculus!

The referee pulls Wes Lang aside, but isn't sure if he's technically supposed to disqualify him or not since he attacked someone not involved in the match, rather than the other way around.



Meanwhile, Phineas grabs Rodney....



.....and delivers the MythBuster!



Phineas goes for the cover, while another less confused referee makes the count!



.......1


......2


.......3!!!

*DING DING DING!*

The crowd boos as Phineas celebrates the win.



Tucker: Phineas Dinsdale retains the Gauntlet Title, but only after some very fishy doings!



Class: Though one has to wonder if that kind of fishiness will help him in his match with James Steele, or if the Monarch of Malevolence will leave him all wet!

Tucker: That was.....that was just terrible, Class.

WINNER AND STILL GAUNTLET CHAMPION: PHINEAS DINSDALE

[Nowhere Man]

MATCH #8: SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH
DANNY ELECTRIC, TRISMEGISTUS SMITH, AND LOU P. DAIGHT vs. TED O'DONNELL, MVP, AND SEYMOUR

SPOILER: show

The crowd boos for Seymour as he makes his way to the ring.









Tucker: Seymour says he's been putting together strategies to deal with all three of his opponents tonight. You've got to wonder if he can make good on that.

Class: And more to the point, if he's going to use those strategies tonight, or save them for the Elimination Chamber!

SPOILER: show

The boos get even louder for MVP.











Tucker: Parsons got pretty banged up during the opening match with Tyler Frost. Do you think he's recovered enough for this contest?

Class: Well, even if he hasn't, MVP is the kind of guy who wouldn't admit to it.

SPOILER: show

The boos reach their crescendo for the Debt Collector.







Tucker: And here he is, your hero and mine, the MAW World Champion! Ted O'Donnell's going to show everyone how it's done!

Class: Every single person in this match has got their sights on O'Donnell and the Title, and he's made no attempt to even try to coexist with his partners. O'Donnell's got an ego the size of the sun, and all that gravity might collapse on him tonight!



The boos turn into cheers for LPD.









Tucker: A lot of people are wondering how Lou is going to deal with Seymour being in the opposite corner in this match.

Class: Well, they've squared off before, and Lou hasn't had any problems with setting his friend straight then. If anything, he's probably more determined than ever to pound some sense into him!

SPOILER: show

Trismegistus Smith gets an even bigger pop.









Class: If it weren't for the intervention of Ted O'Donnell at Beach Party Massacre, Smith would be World Champion right now. Tonight he's got to be looking forward to getting his hands on Ted and MVP.

Tucker: He's going to be in for a harsh reality check if he thinks he can beat the Debt Collector!

Class: Triz already has beaten Ted before, remember?

Tucker: I choose not to.

SPOILER: show

The crowd blows the roof off the arena for Danny Electric.











Tucker: Speaking of people who might still be World Champion if it weren't for the dealings of the House, Danny has a pretty long list of grievances himself!

Class: Not to mention a fair amount of experience taking on evil title-hogging stables.

The bell rings, and Danny and Seymour start things off.



Danny begins with an Irish whip.



Seymour hits the ropes.....



....slides under Electric.....



.....and delivers a hard shot to the knee.



Danny staggers as Seymour continues to pound away at Danny's knee.



Tucker: Interesting tactic here by Seymour. Normally it's Danny's arm that's a favorite target of opponents. What's he going for here?

Danny puts a stop to Seymour's kicks, grabbing the masked man by the head.



He winds up.....



....and slams Seymour face-first into the turnbuckle!



Electric gets in a few more shots in the corner.



Tucker: These two have never gotten along, for one reason or another, and now it looks like both of them are pulling out the stops against each other!

Class: Seymour said he doesn't care about Lou or Triz, but absolutely wants to hurt Danny tonight--I'll bet Danny took that to heart, and is trying to beat him to it!

Danny whips Seymour to the opposite corner....



....but Seymour springs off the middle turnbuckle.



Danny catches Seymour on his shoulders.....



....but the masked man reverses it into a front victory roll!



Danny's knee buckles, and he goes tumbling forward.....



.....and snaps his neck back against the bottom rope!





Tucker: Oh my God! Seymour's seemingly harmless kicks to the knee have just resulted in massive damage to Danny's neck! He might be out of this one!

Class: You think that was part of Seymour's plan, or just a happy accident?



Tucker: Either way, Mr. Entertainment needs to make the tag, or he's in serious trouble here!

Danny pulls himself to his feet, trying to get to the friendly corner.....



....but Seymour tags in MVP, who pounces on the wounded Danny.





Tucker: I don't think anyone on MVP's side can get along, but if there's one thing they've all got in common, it's a mutual hatred for Danny Electric!

Class: And now that the damage is done, it's just a matter of picking him apart!

MVP picks Danny up.



He lifts his opponent into the air....



....and brings him down neck-first with a thunderous back drop!





Tucker: Parsons had a pretty vicious feud with Danny Electric not too long ago, and I don't think he's gotten over it. He looks like he's really enjoying being able to inflict this kind of punishment!

MVP drags Danny over to the corner and begins to lay into him with hard shots.



Until Ted O'Donnell tags himself in.



Tucker: The Debt Collector makes the blind tag! Now it's his turn to do some damage!

O'Donnell stalks Danny in the corner.......



......then charges out with a running bulldog!





Tucker: What impact! What perfect execution! What a shining example of what it is to be a Champion!

Class: And what a pickle Danny is in if he can't make the tag! I don't think his neck can take much more of this!

Ted picks Danny up from behind....



.....then pulls him back down hard with a swinging neckbreaker!



Ted eyes the now seriously wounded Danny with deadly intent.



Class: Look at the look in O'Donnell's eyes. He's looking to make sure Danny doesn't even make it to the Elimination Chamber!

Tucker: That's called killer instinct, Class! It's what maked Ted the kind of champion he is!

Before Ted can continue the assault, Seymour tags himself in.





Tucker: Oh my, Seymour's gotten on O'Donnell's nerves! That's bad news for him!

Class: But possibly good news for Danny Electric!

Seeing that Danny's struggling to his feet via the ropes, Seymour charges for the Natural Twenty!



He comes off the ropes.....



.....but Danny explodes back to life with a massive clothesline!



Electric uses the opening to regain his bearings.....



....and tags in Trismegistus Smith.



Class: Smith and Seymour have never crossed paths before, so this should be interesting!

Triz gets the immediate strength advantage, wrenching Seymour in a headlock.



The luchadore slips out of the hold....



.....and hits the ropes.....



....but Triz takes him over with a big arm drag!



Seymour is quick to recover, but Triz grabs the arm again....



....and drags him over a second time!



Triz shoots Seymour to the ropes for a third one.....



....but Seymour springs off the second rope and responds with a Square Wave!



Quickly, the masked man hops out onto the apron....



....springs off of the top rope....



.....and comes sailing over with a springboard legdrop!



But Triz rolls out of the way, and Seymour crashes into the canvas!



Smith picks Seymour up.....



....and plants him with a DDT!



Triz covers!



......1


......2


......Seymour kicks out!



Seymour crawls out onto the apron.



Expecting another springboard attack, Triz moves in, but Seymour grabs Smith's head and drops to the floor, pulling Triz throat-first off the ropes!





Tucker: What a dirty move by Seymour!

Class: But an effective one--that pretty clearly shut down any offensive momentum Triz could get going!

While Seymour is still on the outside, MVP picks Triz up.....



....and drops his throat across the bottom rope.



He presses his knee against the back of Smith's neck for added pressure.



Tucker: Parsons certainly has no love lost for Trismegistus Smith, and he's quick to capitalize on an opening!

Speaking of capitalizing on an opening, Ted O'Donnell slaps MVP on the back to make a blind tag.



He drags Smith out of the corner.....



....sweeps his legs out from under him.....



....and applies the Reparations!





Tucker: He's got him here! Choke him out, Ted, choke him out!

Class: I should point out that Ted's technically not the legal man, since Seymour didn't tag anybody in, therefore Ted can't get the victory like this.

The hold is broken up, by MVP!



Ted fights back, and the two cornerstones of the House lock horns.



Tucker: Ted, you had the match won! What are you doing?!?!

Class: It was bound to happen--Parsons couldn't stand the sight of O'Donnell getting the victory, so he intervened, and now Sonny's chosen ones are going after each other!

While O'Donnell and MVP go at it, Triz rolls over to his team's side.....



....and tags in Lou P. Daight!







LPD picks up MVP.....



.....and drops him with a monstrous sidewalk slam!



Ted O'Donnell scurries up the turnbuckle.....



.....but LPD clotheslines him out of the air, and out of the ring!





Tucker: We need medical attention down here, STAT!

Class: And we didn't when they nearly broke Danny Electric's neck?

Lou sets Parsons up in the corner.....



.....and unleashes a devastating back elbow!





Class: LPD is absolutely on fire right now! We could be looking at our next Champion!



Tucker: Wait a second, Seymour's back in! Lou doesn't see him!

Seymour rolls up Lou from behind.....



.....and stacks him up for the pin!




........1



.........2



.........3!!!

*DING DING DING!*

The crowd boos as Seymour's hand is raised.



Tucker: It was a cheap way to win, but a win nonetheless! Seymour sneaks away yet again with another victory!



Class: Lou doesn't seem too happy with the underhanded tactics, and you can't really blame him! He was pretty well steamrolling his opponents!

Suddenly, Danny grabs Seymour from behind.....



.....and rams him face-first into the turnbuckle!



He picks the masked man up.....



....hooks the arms.....



....turns Seymour over.....



.....and delivers the Electric Shock Drop!





Tucker: That's not exactly what I'd call sportsmanlike behavior, but then again, Seymour's tactics tonight nearly put Danny in the hospital!

Now it's MVP who grabs Danny from behind.....



....and chucks him out of the ring!



On the outside, Ted O'Donnell grabs Danny.....



....and starts slamming him face-first into the announcer's table!















Tucker: The match is over, but it looks like the fight has barely even started!

Back in the ring, MVP goes nuts on LPD, raining down blow after blow....



....until Trismegistus Smith clotheslines him out of his boots!



Seymour comes off the ropes, catching Triz by the head....



....and Sonic Screwdrivers him out of the ring!



Parsons shakes out the cobwebs as he gets to his feet.....



.....only to eat a Bad Impression from LPD!!!



Security finally rushes the ring to break up the carnage....





.....while Seymour escapes into the crowd.









Tucker: Things have dissolved into utter chaos here! And it's nothing compared to what we'll see at Body Count!

Class: You said it, Ts! We've seen one battle, but in the Elimination Chamber, we're going to see a six-way war! It's gonna be apocalyptic, baby!

WINNERS: SEYMOUR, MVP, AND TED O'DONNELL

END OF SHOW

[Nowhere Man]

Credits:
NoJabbaNoBogRoll: Max/English vs. Rampage, signs
MVP: Thunder/Beamer/Clark/Steele
loopydate: Doomhammer vs. Powers
NM: Everything else
Also, thanks and apologies to Fangel and XL for offering to help--I just got antsy once my matches were done and decided to finish the rest myself.

LIVE FROM TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
SIX-WAY ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH



TED O'DONNELL
vs.
DANNY ELECTRIC
vs.
MICHAEL VINCENT PARSONS
vs.
TRISMEGISTUS SMITH
vs.
SEYMOUR
vs.
LOU P. DAIGHT

GAUNTLET CHAMPIONSHIP



PHINEAS DINSDALE
vs.
JAMES STEELE

BEST OF SEVEN SERIES: PART 1



THUNDER
vs.
AVENGER

BODY COUNT ELIMINATION CHALLENGE
PINFALLS, SUBMISSIONS, OR OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ELIMINATION



JEFF CLARK
vs.
BOBBY BEAMER
vs.
SLATER
vs.
SUPERMAX
vs.
"WILD" COLIN POWERS
vs.
RAZORTHIRST "DAVID" DOOMHAMMER
vs.
FIX FNUDEL
vs.
METHUSELAH WILSON

(WINNER GETS THE #30 SPOT IN THE FRENZY)

ANARCHY DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP



LANGSTON ENGLISH
vs.
TERMINATOR

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS:
BY ORDER OF SONNY



KIDD JAMISON AND DR. CHRIS JOHNSON, M.D.
vs.
RAMPAGE
(IF RAMPAGE LOSES, HE IS FIRED)

TAG TEAM MATCH:
BY ORDER OF ORRIN



WES LANG AND ROCKY BRENHAM
vs.
DOUBLE-TALK AND RODNEY OCULUS
(IF LANG AND BRENHAM WIN, OCULUS IS OUT OF THE HOUSE)

SINGLES MATCH:



SWISH
vs.
JEFFREY

SINGLES MATCH:

TYLER FROST
vs.
WHOEVER HE WANTS......YET AGAIN!

[XL]

Very nice show.

Very nice Body Count logo.

Let me know with plenty of notice if you want me to write anything on this one.

[XL]

Also:
SINGLES MATCH:

TYLER FROST
vs.
WHOEVER HE WANTS......YETI AGAIN!

:shifty

[Nowhere Man]

SPOILER: show

You suck, Seymour!



Say that again, and I will break your neck.







I love it when a plan comes together, don't you?



I mean, we had a ring full of six world-caliber athletes, four of whom were former World Champions, all set to tear each other apart in the Elimination Chamber.



And despite the championship-level skill and titanic egos at play, everything went according to the game plan of the silly little man in his silly little mask.



Danny Electric's neck got more effed up than a Philip K. Dick novel.



Trismegistus Smith took an appropriate three massively-damaging attacks to the throat.



And Lou got reminded of something I showed everyone back at ForuMania....



....that all of these years......it should have been me.



And at Body Count, when all is said and done in the Elimination Chamber, it finally will be me.



Hell, even MVP and Ted O'Donnell followed my lead! They weren't going to cooperate and get the match won, unless I gave them both vulnerable targets to exploit. So I made Danny and Triz into live bait, and the Living Legend and the World Champion went after them, just like I wanted.



Amazing what happens when you do your homework, isn't it?



At Body Count, the MAW World Title is mine. My targets have been analyzed, my plans have been formulated. The rest of you can talk up your game as much as you want, but I've thought it all through.



Rest assured, folks, I am in control now.

[Innovator]

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* *BOOOurns*

Tucker: There he is! The MAW World Heavyweight Champion! Bask in his infinite glory!





Not on my watch, halfling.



Control, power, championships...



Such cannot be dealt with by mere mortals.



This is why there are only a rare few who can manipulate and motivate the masses.



I did it when everyone bowed down at my feet.



I still do it now.



You are not in control, Seymour. You never were.



A vintage Owen Brown roll-up is what you have up your sleeve?



Well, if you'll indulge me, let me roll up mine.



And, I've rehearsed this to get it just right, to put it into words someone as much of a nerd as yourself can grasp:



I've done far worse than kill you, halfing. I've hurt you.



And I wish to go on hurting you.





I shall leave you as you left me...



As you left her.



Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet...



Buried alive!



Buried alive.

[Nowhere Man]

Hi, Seymour!





What, you didn't think I was just going to go away forever, did you?



If there's one thing I've learned, it's that no matter what you do, no matter who you talk to, no matter how many pills you take or how many volts are run through your frontal lobes, crazy never just goes away.



And I must be crazy, coming back after what you did to me, right?



Ah, but the heart wants what it wants.



What we had, Seymour, it was good, wasn't it? Sure, it was complicated and painful and both of us did a lot of things we regret, but in the end, we pulled through!



We were finally going to live happily ever after......



....and then you kicked me in the face and humiliated me on live TV.



That.....that kind of soured my feelings for you, honestly.



But now I'm back, and after an obscenely expensive rejuvenation spell from Terrance, I'm better than ever!



And more importantly, I've got a new man in my life. A man who's everything you're not and can never be, Seymour.



A man who knows exactly what a woman like me needs.......



......to rip your fucking heart out.



See you at Body Count, Seymour!

[Nowhere Man]

TEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!















































TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!




























































TEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MVP]

MVP ignores Ted and heads to the ring.



I guess that concussion knocked some sense into you Michael. Just keep walking.



Class: Parsons looks well rested after fighting two matches and nearly getting a concussion in one of them.



Tucker: A concussion would serve him right for costing Ted the win by breaking up his submission hold on Melee.







You got something to say to me, Parsons?



I want to congratulate you, Seymour, on your big boy victory on Melee.



But I learned how to do a roll up before you hit puberty... oh sorry, you're still waiting for that to happen.



That's why Dementia always cheated on you right? You couldn't satisfy her in bed?



You better choose your next words carefully, cause getting interrupted by Ted... and Dementia just ruined my night.



I'm just making a comparison. Your confidence in yourself winning the Elimination Chamber match with me as your opponent is like your sex life with Dee... premature.



Hey Mikey, over here!



Let's not forget how your pathetic World Title run ended... prematurely, with me walking away as Champion.



And that's how it's gonna remain.



Oh sorry Teddy, didn't see you there! I guess you should get used to being on the ground.



Cause I'll make sure you can't get up when I'm done with you.



Then you can bow down at my feet when I'm World Champion again.



If you're lucky, maybe I'll let you stay in the House, and squeegee the sweat off of Rampage's backside.



Don't forget gentlemen... the House always wins.

27% of the audience is still in shock at the Wrath of Khan parallel from earlier.

[Nowhere Man]

Parsons.....if you think you're going to be able to get under my skin.....



......you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.



You wanna know why Ted's enlisted the help of my crazy ex-girlfriend?



It's because he's smarter than you.





Oh sure, I won the match with a roll-up--still counts as a clean win, by the way, which is something you haven't had any of in a while--but Ted saw what I did to Danny and Smith.



And I'll bet good money he remembers the last time we faced off, when I wrestled circles around him and ended the match with his shoulders on the mat.



Ted's a self-worshipping megalomaniac and an all-around bastard, but he's smart enough to know that he can't beat me.



And I'm sure you're just going to shrug that off and crow about how that doesn't matter because you're so much better than Ted, even though your win/loss record against him says otherwise.



All I'm saying is, Ted's doing the smart thing by bringing in a ringer to try and deal with me. And once we're in the Elimination Chamber, Mikey, when you try to take me out, I strongly suggest that you do the smart thing too.....



.....and let someone else try first.

[loopydate]

LPD is absolutely on fire right now! We could be looking at our next Champion!

[Click]

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[Click]



LPD is absolutely on fire right now! We could be looking at our next Champion!

[Click]

niopmahctxenruotagnikoolebdluocewwonthgirerifnoyletulosbasidpl

[Click]



LPD is absolutely on fire right now! We could be looking at our next Champion!

[Click]

niopmahctxenruotagnikoolebdluocewwonthgirerifnoyletulosbasidpl

[Click]



LPD is absolutely on fire right now! We could be looking at our next Champion!

[Click]

niopmahctxenruotagnikoolebdluocewwonthgirerifnoyletulosbasidpl

[Click]



LPD is absolutely on fire right now! We could be looking at our next Champion!

[Click]



Hm.

[James Steele]

Gauntlet Championship.


Win it and keep on winning, you get a World Championship match.


Better yet, I get to beat the shit out of that walrus-faced shit-sucking sack of fat fuck Phineas Dinsdale to get the Gauntlet title.


We've beaten the hell out of each other a lot over the years, but poor Phineas seems to have choked on a tampon and needs legal counsel now.


I remember when I'd look across the ring and look right into the eyes of your unbearably annoying fucking face and saw nothing but anger.


I would proceed to stop you from trying to eat me for the next 15-20 minutes.


Phineas Dingleberry, I'm not going to bore you and the rest of the world with all the redemption shit.


I hate your fucking face.


Just looking at you makes me feel like I have reverse diarrhea and a migraine at the same time.


At Body Count, I am going to beat that smug shithead personality out of you.


You've ran through challenger after challenger, but Fix Fnudel won't be able to play shenanigans and help you come Body Count.


Phineas, you've climbed halfway up the mountain but you will feel my pain of being knocked all the way down to hell just when you think you got all the momentum.


Body Count will begin the festival of destruction. 10 straight shows. 10 straight ass-beatings.


Fuck you. Fuck Fnudel. Fuck your fat face. Fuck the haters. Fuck the world. Fuck my luck. Fuck redemption. Fuck everything because nothing is going to stand in my way.

[James Steele]

Thank goodness everyone ran to their locker rooms to watch Steele's promo on their TVs.


The ring is empty and FrostyNation will get to hear my announcement for Body Count.







DREAMS COME TRUE, KIDDOS!


Heck yeah.




You guys rock!



FrostyNation, this has been a crazy few months.


I'm undefeated in MAW.


I've beaten Slater, Methuselah Wilson, Ted O'Donnell, and Michael Parsons.


Even I never thought I would come in like a snowmobile with a V8 engine and rip through the competition.


Sadly, my last two victories have been less than pure competition.



Luckily, I get to to choose my own match 1 more time to prove that Tyler Frost is no "Freezing Fluke Luke".


When I was a little boy, I was a member of the Penguin Scouts.


We had a Penguin Pride Pledge.


Penguin Pride means giving your best effort in everything you do.


Penguin Pride means looking inside yourself to find ways to get better every day.


Penguin Pride means being an asset to the community and not a detriment to the community.


Penguin Pride means helping cripples and old people move from one location to another in a safe manner.


Penguin Pride means you always do things the clean, wholesome, pure, honest, and legitimate way.


Apparently, Ted O'Donnell and Michael Parsons were never Penguin Scouts.


Penguin Pride means never deceive to get what you want to achieve.


I've gotten this close to a clean, pure, and competitive victory over the World Champion and a Hall of Famer...


...but then they feel the need to interfere and forever taint my victories.


While I won both matches, that smidgen of doubt of the legitimacy of my victories bothers me.


How do I know that FrostyNation isn't anything more than an imaginary wolf in seal's clothing?


I think I have found the perfect solution to my need for clean competition.


My match at Body Count is going to have a guaranteed winner.


The winner will have no doubt to their claims of competitive dominance.


At Body Count, I am challenging...


Ted O'Donnell


and MVP!


and DANNY ELECTRIC!


and TRISMEGISTUS SMITH!


and SEYMOUR!


and LOU P. FRIGGIN' DAIGHT!


FROSTYNATION, GET READY FOR THE ULTIMATE COMPETITION!


THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER JUST GOT COOL!


REALLY FRIGGIN' COOL! BECAUSE I AM THE FIRST EVER ALASKAN TO BE IN A WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!


There will be no tricks. There will be no interference. Only 7 men competing like their lives depend on it because of their pride and desire for victory.


At Body Count, I will endure and persevere like the legends of Iditarod.


I WILL SURVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!



I apologize for that. I got too caught up in the awesomeness of this announcement.


Anyway kiddos, whether by Yeti Snatch or Icelandic Cross Toehold...


...always live, compete, and win by the Penguin Pledge.


Through sleet and snow, I will do my family proud. Whether cold and really really cold, I will go through life being humble yet bold. I vow to do right by all and aid in the traversing of those who may be physically unable to.


I am a Penguin Scout. Every minute of every day is a chance for my character to grow like a radioactive bean sprout.


I am a Penguin Scout and in my inner Eskimo Spirit I shall never doubt.


At Body Count, I will show the world what it means to be a Penguin Scout...


...because I will fight to the finish and win upon which all the world will say is...


YAY FRIGGIN' YAY!


YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

So one murderer falls...



And another steps forward.



That's right Steele, I did my research.



Technically, my administrative advisor and corporate liason did my research.



You cut off a guy's head one time.



What is it with you and your dislike of heads?



Or is it just faces?



In any event, I am lobbying the MAW officials to pull this match from the card.



I shouldn't have to put my life in danger, again, just to entertain these bloodthirsty fans.



If I'm forced to go through with this match...



I will sue the pants off this company.



On the subject of lawsuits, I have one written up and ready to go.



James Steele, you called me, and I quote...



"A walrus-faced shit-sucking sack of fat fuck."



That's slander, Jimmy.



That's not something MAW's Gauntlet Champion should have to put up with.



I am an investment that's guaranteed to turn a profit for this company.



I firmly believe that MAW will back my lawsuit one hundred percent, and see that I get what's coming to me, directly out of your salary.



James, you might as well go home to your ranch and fuck the biggest pig you can find...



Because there's nothing for you at Body Count.



I have faith that MAW management will do the right thing.



Firstly by cancelling our match, on the grounds of employee safety against intentional decapitation.



Secondly by supporting my slander suit against one James Emmitt Steele, and ensuring that a clear message is sent to the rest of the roster.



Phineas Dinsdale is not a man who will be disrespected.



Take a look at this face, James.



Take a good long look.



Drink it in.



Because this is as close as you're ever gonna get.

[James Steele]

Get a real good look at my face, Dinsdale.


You are a deplorable, wretched, mutilated-vagina-faced, whiny, false-pretense-intense, dildo-smoking, elephant-viagra-snorting-because-you-have-to-get-your-dick-hard-just-to-fucking-see-the-tip, horrible, pay-your-lawyer-fees-in-fellatio, and undeniable walrus-faced shit-sucking sack of fat fuck.

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

Where did that fat fu-

SPOILER: show

NIPPLE FUCK JESUS TITTIES!

[James Steele]

While I may be fighting back the vomit that is forcing its way up my esophagus...


...


Almost lost it there.


Just like your tomato-nosed, potato-eared, squash-lipped, and parsnips-up-the-ass loving walrus-faced shit-sucking sack of fat fuck ass will lose the Gauntlet Championship at Body Count.


BA-ZING, NIGGA!


Also, I already have fucked a pig on my ranch.


Which explains why your mother's pussy lips smelled like bacon after I got done smoking her.


You can sue me for slander, but the fact is the truth hurts.


Just like zooming in on your hideous face is dangerous.


You probably blinded children and made women sow their vaginas shut out of fear that whatever they just saw on television would attempt to gobble their cunts like you gobble gravy.


You are a sick bastard, Phineas. I will rid the world of you and your hideous fucking face forever LIVE on Pay-Per-Fucking-View!


Until then, I'm leaving here and getting so drunk that I sing karaoke and forget about what just happened.

[Afterlife]

...



I'm sorry, what the HELL did I just hear?!



Sorry. Interview's cancelled.



I have to text a scum bag and a golden nugget about this....

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

A video plays on the Sonnytron:

Originally Posted by GCW Final Solution Splaya, with some semblance that he's about to get killed, spasmically throws up an arm as a last defense!! But the inevitable happens anyway!!! **CHOP!!!!** VC: Splaya is even uglier when his head isn't attached to his body. * DING! DING! DING! * Steele takes Splaya's head and body back into the ring and sets the head up. JG: Vhat ist he doing? JG: He ist not going to... VC: He is!!!! Steele punts Splaya's decapitated hed into the crowd!!!! JG: Zhat vill be vone bloody souvenir for ein lucky fan. Steele poses in victory as the crowd cheers the bloodfest. Winner by No-Selling, Second Half Domination, and Decapitation: James Steele

[Fangel]

I didnt send you the match...It is all written on my desktop. I am sorry. I wrote it the first morning when I got home and said if any problems let me know and you didnt reply.

Next time I offer to help, message me if you don't get the match. Lol.

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

James, you sly devil.



How long have you been hiding that footage from me?



When I asked if you knew how to handle an oversized ceremonial sword, you said no.



We'll talk about this later, friend.





Onto Body Count.



I know I don't deserve the number thirty spot in the Frenzy.



But I've been giving this some serious thought, and I really want to win this match.



Who could be more of a marked man than the final entrant in the Frenzy?



Nobody!



If I win, most of the guys on the roster will want me taken out.



And I'm one of 'em.

[James Steele]

How could you lie to me like that? Y'know that the coupon for sharpening the sword already expired?

Damn it, we'll talk about that later.


What is grinding your gears, Jimbo?

That walrus-faced shit-sucking sack of fat fuck.


My lawyer left me a voicemail telling me Dinsdale's legal threats actually have weight.


He also said I need to quit calling him such ridiculously offensive things.


I can't even stand the man's face, but I have to act like he doesn't look like an oversized possum who got the hell beat out of him by some psychotic 12 year old with a pair of scissors and a meat tenderizer?


I've got to win the Gauntlet Championship, Methuselah. It is my last chance to get back to the World Title.


I've been sued countless times. Trust me, you can't let it get to you.


Now, I usually gave the women hush money to drop the lawsuits but Phineas might not be that easy. You've got to find a carrot to dangle in front them to make them drop the lawsuit.


I don't know about a carrot, but a doughnut or crab cake would work.

Because he is fat.


Exactly. I can find something that Phineas needs more than his diabetes medicine.


I feel bad about making fun of his weight and associated illnesses.

Oh...forgot about your whole "seeking penance and death" thing.


You go and find as much info on Phineas as you can, and I'll look into letting you have your shoestrings back.

You're an amazing friend.

I know, but I'm getting back on top of this business and I want you to be there with me.

[Innovator]

AHEM!





*BOOOOOOOO YOU ARE JUST NOT A GOOD PERSON BOOOOOOO*



*Was it something I did?*



Mr. Frost...



Frostie...



Abominable Douchebag...



I'm onto you.



Being goofy and all of that nonsense is merely a cover...



You're really just a clueless moron.



Bravo.



Bravo, for taking away all ways you can secure a lucky victory.



Idiot.



Bravo, one last time, for giving me a chance to right a wrong beset upon me by little Michael.



In case you didn't see earlier, I'll let you in on a secret.







I play for keeps.



'cause I might not make it back.



That is what us veterans call a 'Bon Jovi moment', drink it in.



You put yourself into a match against two people who want to cause serious harm to you, three world class athetes, and a giant Goofy impersonator.



And thank you, Snowman, for giving me the opportunity to collect on you at the same time I defend the World's Heavyweight Championship.



I look forward to humiliating Alaskan's "lost" son.

[Fangel]

I'd like to reserve the spot after this exchange if at all possible.

[James Steele]

With all due respect Mr. O'Donnell, the only humiliation that will come at Body Count will be when this "snowman" beats you and 5 other wrestlers who are among the best in the world.


Also, I don't like Bon Jovi and I'm not made of snow.


I play for more than "keeps", too.


You just try and survive to keep your title.


You don't care about competition. You don't care about that deep burning passion inside of you that drives you to prove you are the best.


It isn't the gold and leather that makes you the greatest wrestler in the world, Mr. O'Donnell...


It is facing every challenge put in front of you and beating it.


You think my win was a fluke, and it might have been.


That is why I wanted to wrestle Mr. Parsons, but you decided to ruin that too.


Penguin Pledge, Eskimo Warrior Spirit, and just good ol' fashioned being a man requires that I prove to myself, my doubters, my supporters, and those who don't even know who I am that I am an elite competitor.


You can try and collect on a past defeat, but I will be trying to collect the single most shocking and upset victory in the history of the world.


More shocking than Sarah Palin being nominated Vice Presidential nominee.


Bigger than the ecosystem destruction caused by the Exxon-Valdez.


And more awe-inspiring than theaurora borealis!


Pride comes before the fall, Mr. O'Donnell and with all due respect...you are pretty darn prideful.



You done?


Do you not understand that every other schmuck back there has been trying to knock me off my pedestal for years now?


No matter how noble their cause, in the end they all fail to give the big bad Debt Collector his comeuppance.


You are right, I was never a Penguin Scout.


I also was never a borderline retarded naive eternal optimist.


YAY! SNOOPY DANCE! YAY! LET ME RIP OFF TED'S BEARD! YAY!


I'm going to do what I would have done a few weeks ago if MVP hadn't stuck his nose in the middle of my life lesson and inspirational story for all the kiddos.


My lesson for every kiddo is that you can dream big and believe in yourself, but if you go up against someone who is better than you...


Lay down or get beat down.


At Body Count, I'm going to wake you and the rest of your ignorant fans up from this day dream you've been in for the past few months.


Just like all your kiddo fans are going to drop out of school, get pregnant, and probably end up sucking dick for crack...


Just like you damn sure will NEVER have your stupid Snoopy Dance while I'm wrestling...


And just as nobody really gives a rat's ass about Alaska...


Reality is going to knee you in the face and knock you out.


Then you will wake up with your faith shaken, your dreams shattered, and your debts collected.

[Fangel]

Why must you do this Steele, why?

[Afterlife]

Why must you reserve a spot for 4 hours?

[Afterlife]

*Well after the ring has cleard...*






Quite a mixed reaction for "Commander" Paltro.



Yeah, well, it's hard to get behind a lady who manipulates a crazy person for monetary gain.



Ladies and gentlemen, as you well know, I am a professional psychiatrist.



As you are also aware, the man known as "Terminator" is a patient of mine with a delusion so severe, no treatment technique was successful in breaking it.



Because of this, he can be incredibly aggressive and prone to violence, as with the infamous Miscarriage Incident.



The point is--



The point IS, MAW fans...

Oh, grand.



...I am a loyal soldier of The Hub. I take the fight to the enemy, no matter what make nor what location.



I do whatever it takes to secure the boarders and the future of this system.



I live, day and night, by the Hub's invaluable motto, The Seven Endure.



I took a small hiatus from my mission to make good on my promise for Codename: Avenger, but that business has been settled.



Now, I'm being held up from returning to my mission, as requested by a military sub-committee, to face Earthling civilian Langston English after an... embarrassing gaffe.



Once again, I am eternally apologetic for offending you and your religious beliefs.



But I cannot delay my return to active duty much longer.



I will participate in your customary fight for the retribution of your religious honor, as is the Texas way...



...but, regardless of the result, this will be the conclusion of your vengeance.



I am sorry to have hurt your feelings...



...but I really must get back to work.

[The Vindicator]

You know, Terminator, I personally don't care that you said what you said.



Or the fact that there was no actual pudding cake.




Though I really wish there was. So damn hungry.



The fact is that, slight as it might have been, Dubbisag has been affronted.



And accordingly, I'm going to have to beat you into a stupor.



Because, let's face it, no one has ever accused Dubbisag of being a kind and loving God.



And the Anarchy matches are, indeed, an apt medium for bloody retribution.



So everyone's happy. Except for maybe you.



I'd wish you luck and try to make the vengeance as swift and needlessly painful as possible, but then you'd only have aruging with Avenger to look forward to.



And I feel bad about trying to hurry you along to that. No one deserves that.



Know what I mean?

[Fangel]

Originally Posted by Afterlife Why must you reserve a spot for 4 hours?

Wanted to make sure I didn't step on any toes.

[Fangel]

Oh..I..a...gotta...eat....buffet...bathroom...later...





































Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg



ggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[XL]

Well worth the wait

[The Vindicator]

As you can see, my last match was lost due to a veritable storm of sharp objects that I threw myself into.



Now, whilst I maintain that I won by throwing myself onto a bed of pointy things, the officials say otherwise.



But I'm not one to let little things like "traumatic spinal injuries" get me down. No.



The upcoming forecast calls for a heavy downpour of pain and violence as we continue on into the weekend for Bodycount.



Now as you can see, it's going to be 79 degrees with partly sunny skies which will be completely irrelevant as we will be inside an arena for the entirety of the event.



A lot of big names are going to be there, including yours truly.



As always, this has been Slater with your periodic wrestling weathercast. And as I sign off, I want to remind everyone to make sure your neighbors are all properly fingered. Good night.