Marc the Smark
06-01-2004, 06:13 PM
In celebration of Memorial Day…we honor those who fought and died for this country, the United States of America. Very nicely done.
In Raw’s opening video, we saw a recap of the Triple H Mr. Egocentric Himself & Shawn The Holy Back Break Kid Michaels feud. Everything from Stevie-the Pizza Man-Richards’ beat down, to the final closing brawl in the ring…we got an up close and personal reminder of last week; as it became increasingly evident of who really rules the Raw roust. By which I’m implying the Hurricane a.k.a. Rodney Mack’s Bitch, of course. Hmm? Here’s a question for all of those who think they could write for the WWE: How do you keep La Resistance heel in their “hometown”? The answer will soon follow. The WWE’s solution was to pit them up against the New Candian Duo…Benoit and Edge (the old being Jericho and Christian). It’s a regular Canadians-R-Us out here, and I’m stoked! It must be something in the drinking water, but our neighbors to the north produce some tight ass matches.
Match 1: Canadians-a-muck! La Resistance a.k.a. These Jackets Are Fabulous .Versus. Horse-Toothed Jackass Edge and Chris The Toothless Wolverine Benoit: World Tag Team Championship :
By the way this is a special episode of Raw. Special like Eugene Einstein, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine. Edge, yet again, sent out his trained flatulence to scout the arena before coming out; and got half the pop as the Toothless Wolverine. J.R. mentioned that this was a special edition of Raw. To counter that, King said it was a special edition of Raw. “Well put” proclaimed J.R.; but then retorted by stating that this was a special edition of Raw. STOP SAYING SPECIAL EDITION. I get it! Crap in a sandwich, I’m not deaf or stupid. I only act that way. It gets chicks. "Owww, have mercy."
J.R.: [In response to the pop La Resistance received]: Some are cheering, some are booing…
but all are drinking. See! SEE! Put La Resistance up against two of Canada’s biggest names and you still can’t stop Canadians from cheering for the hometown boys. Pay absolutely no attention to how much you book them as heels, they are getting over tonight. Bizarro-World, as King put it, was a perfect description. These Jackets Are Fabulous came out in new, extra gay, gear. I tell ya’ it’s white, white tights, for white, white wrestlers. Alright Canadians, here‘s a conundrum: “Who do you boo?” I mean, you people HAVE to boo somebody, after all. I understand patriotism and shit like that, but you gave Lance Storm a standing ovation for doing that shitty dance, for f*ck’s sake. Am I mad, or is the air a little thin up there?
Montreal Crowd: Let’s go Sylvan! Let’s go Sylvan! Let’s go Sylvan!
Yep. I heard it too. Hell has just frozen over, by the way. Just thought I’d let you know.
King: [to J.R.] Je’ne pas frances?
No you schmuck-f*ck. You just said “I’m not French.” You meant to say was: Je parle francais…oh f*ck it…. moving on. In the land where Sylvan is king, this match had the crowd on their feet. That’s it, give me a shot of Jack Daniels. If I get drunk enough, I’ll think like them too. Oh this is the night of a million “Twwwwwooooo’s” . Oh yeah, and La Resistance are the new champs. I give em’ one week, and then they’re losing the belts again. I think? I mean, hope… Winners: These Jackets Are Fabulous
Rant: The experience has begun…have you seen it? WWE Experience? No? Me neither. How bout that?
Meanwhile, people touch La Resistance. These Jackets Are Fabulous mingle in the crowd with their fellow Canadians, even though Rob Conway is American. Jesh La Resistance…if you love them so much, why don’t you just marry them then? And speaking of drywall, there’s Randy Orton! Drywall? Never mind…The TRUE Legend joined us for a promo, with that mysterious white guy who now interviews people on Raw. Does he even work for the WWE, or does he just show up of his own accord? New stipulation: If Shelton wins tonight’s match against Randy, he gets a shot at the Intercontinental Championship at Bad Blood. Randy wasn’t happy, as Shelton wasn’t his caliber of athlete. Plus the man has a chia-pet on his head, so he frightens Randy, and gives him night terrors. Moving right along in the backstage area, William That’ll Teach Ya’ To Stick Your Willy In Malaria Regal and ATM Eric Bischoff were talking. ATM said that Eugene was now seen as an asset; ironically enough, as Eric said that sentence, Eugene was eating the fichus plant next to him. Tonight uncle Eric booked him in his second singles match…against a friend. And that friend is the Coach? No? Well, what’s he doing here? Bischoff tells Todd Pentigel #48 to apologize to Eugene…bitch! Bischoff now loves Eugene. And what’s not to love. Besides the smell. And the drooling. And the IBS. Moving on. Coach was told to go out to the ring to lodge a formal admission of guilt. And make me sandwich, now ham! Goddammit!
After the commercial break, Coach came out and begged for Eugene Einstein to join him. Before we move on, let me say this, I LOVE Eugene. And no, not like that you sicko…but good God d*mn is this a great angle. F*CK! I mean…f***. This is better then I could have ever dreamed. And speaking of f*ck, here comes Kane. After Coach made an apology, he introduced Eugene’s newest friend. Run! Go now, come on Eugene, use your superior, superhuman-like intellect. Get out of there! If there’s one thing that scares Eugene, it’s dentists. And by the by and by, I think the Big Red Dentist has a big, red, cold sore. Kissing Mae Young again, haven’t we Kane? Or was it Lita? I never knew that V-One-Ah! had V-D…ah?. Coach laughs as Kane attacked the handicapped. Oh, it is…kind…of funny.
Coach: Ha, ha, ha. H,a ha, ha.
George: Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Coach: AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!
Oh, ha, ha! Oh, good one. Bam! Hit em’ again! Boom! Ah, ha, ha. Apparently, Eric DOES hate Eugene. It’s Einstein versus Kane, tonight on Raw.
Match 2: STOP that!: Victoria a.k.a. Motor-Butt .Versus. Jazz Don’t Call Him “Mister”: Non-title Women’s Single Match
Oh God, does she have to dance like that? Weren’t you crazy? Go back to being crazy. You were great, when you were crazy. Hit her in the head. Get a wrench, f*ck man, do something. That dance is just not sexy. When I was 4, I saw my grandma shave her legs with a butter knife. That was more sexy. And practical too. This match was actually kind of a let down. I normally love ALL of Motor-Butt’s matches, but this one left me feeling down and out. For about 2/3 of the match, Victoria did the splits and showed us all her favorite sexual position. D*mn, I could do that. I just choose not to. Victoria wins, but her Kay-Fabe is going down faster then Bush’s approval ratings.
Winner: Motor-Butt
Match 3: God Damned Child Proof Knots!: Randy The TRUE Legend Orton .Versus. Shelton Never Going To Stop Me…F*ck, I Stopped! Benjamin: If Shelton wins, he gets an I.C. shot at Bad Blood
Batista came out with Orton, to insure a victory. Good for him. There’s another guy who’s getting better every day too…Batista Use Steroids Much? I mean. Seriously, he can actually WRESTLE now. Yeah, shocked me too. Well, during this match we learned that Orton is incapable of untying a knot; and/or, he’s never been a Boy Scout. God d*mned child proof knots! It was kind of funny though, watching them stall the match…all on account of the stupid ring technician who double knotted the f*cking rope. For a great match, the Montreal crowd was dead throughout it. Why? Because there were no Canadians / retards in it. Unless you count Lillian, but she played a very small role. Of course she is BOTH Canadian and retarded (what? Shut up George). Come one people. United States guys are good too. I can speak for Orton, as I grew up with the kid, and he's a good friend of mine. I’m very proud of the fact that he snuck me into my first R-rated movie (Species was the name of the movie, for the record). He’s a great, funny, and bright guy; who’s been trained by Cowboy Bob Orton (his father, and legend, who appears in Wrestlemania I) and spent time in G.C.W. (Gateway Championship Wrestling) here in St. Louis, AND spent two years in Ohio Valley Wrestling. Give it up people! God d*mn, do they ALL have to be Canadian for you to like them? If you can blow the roof off for La Resistance, Orton can at least get your attention. Match was killer, minus the lack luster ending. Shelton and Orton WILL meet at Bad Blood. Speaking of “bad blood”, my blood alcohol level must be off the charts by now.
Winner: Never Going To Stop Me…F*ck, I Stopped!
The mysterious white guy that interviews people on Raw, who I now know is named Todd, (hmmm. Maybe he’s Todd Pentigil #48? What do I call Coach then?) busts up Stacey Keibler’s photo-shoot. What photo-shoot. She’s more covered then Star Jones on a beach, in a moo-moo. And that guy taking her picture is creepy. Haven’t I seen you before? On America’s Most Wanted? Stacey says she’s excited about the new Diva search. Of course she is. That’s what the WWE really needs right now after all. Another hot babe, who can’t wrestle. Yeah baby!
Triple H, I mean Mr Egocentric Himself came out to the ring, but failed to spit the water. D*mn! People in Montreal must be hellza pissed. They paid all that money to go see Raw, live, and in person; and Triple didn’t even spit the water. That guy must suffer from constant and never-ending dehydration. Either that, or his lips are chapped from going down on Stephanie last night. Bing!
Triple H: You can stop looking up the entrance ramp, looking around the crowd, for a sneak attack; cause Shawn Michaels isn’t here tonight. Bischoff banned him from the arena tonight…
Crowd: “Yeah! Woo-hoo! Fine, we’re okay with that. Popcorn?” We see a lovely montage of Mr. Egocentrics history of Hell in the Cell matches. I will give him this…minus last years Bad Blood Hell in the Cell (Kevin Nash was in it. enough said), he has put on some classics. This years Bad Blood should kick some ass. And speaking of kicking ass, Triple H said that he would see Shawn Michaels in hell. But The Holy Back Break Kid isn’t going to hell. He knows Jesus, after all. Here's a story: Shawn Michaels is a man who once, as a practical joke, took a sh*t on a plate, and gave it to a female wrestler (for once I’m not joking. I don’t think I could make that up if I tried). After all, W.W.J.D.?
Match 4: My god…he won?: Matt Ve-One-Ah! Hardy .Versus. Garrison Couldn’t Care Less Cade: Singles Match
I guess Coach is finished with Cade. Got sick of him that quickly, huh? Now you know what I feel like! Lita is now coming out with Matt. It’s like 2001 all over again. In a surprise, this wasn’t a SQUASH match. Crowd was, again, dead…but the match wasn’t a total loss. Hardy finally got an actual, tangible, victory on Raw. Amazing. Kane did nothing during this match; leading me to believe that it is indeed, “all over”. So we never found out what Kane asked (I figured it out. Kane, after all, just needed a booty-call), and that was it? Okay. Glad Michael Hayes got that sick storyline out of his head. Now if I could only get the image of Eddie’s face out of my head!
Winner: and about f*cking time…Ve-One-Ah!
Elsewhere, uncle Eric tells Eugene that he only wants him to suffer unimaginable pain, because he wants to protect Eugene, and he loves him. Awe. Isn’t that cute. ATM Eric finally gets his hug. Poor Eugene. He’s going to need disinfectant after touching Bischoff.
Highlight Reel--Femme Fatal
Since Y2 Goldilocks is out, Trish The Nose Stratus is taking over the Highlight Reel. Good for her. Her boy toy bodyguard, Tyson the Turtle Tomko came out too. They’re not letting him talk yet…I wonder why? Wouldn’t it be hilarious if his voice was high pitched? Like a circus midget, having his nuts stepped on by a 600 lbs elephant while being circumcised by a blind, deformed Rabbi with a clef palate. The highlight of the night, was of Jericho going through the Raw announce table, spilling J.R.’s water cup everywhere. Poor guy. Jericho finally arrived and went after the Turtle. After taking him out, Jericho got the Walls of Goldilocks on Trish. Stop that you two, get a room! To break it up, Tomko kicked the spot next to Jericho’s head as hard as he could. Wow! Strike 3, your out! That wasn’t even close, bro. Did you forget your glasses? He disassemble both Jericho and his set. Poor guy. Eugene, I think we need a hug.
Meanwhile, a camera man is caught in Kane’s gravitational pull; and was rotating around the Big Red Dentist. Kane them spotted him, and looked into the camera. As he faded off, George distinctly heard him say “call me Grand-poo-bah!”
Main Event: Raining on Rain Man’s parade: Eugene Einstein .Versus. The Big Red Dentist, Kane: Singles Match:
What is it about watching “special” people falling down that is so hysterical? Hey don’t look at me! Ask Coach. And as Einstein’s music hits, a timid Eugene made his way down. Hey get down to the new music! "He's a M-a-n-i-a-c, on the floor." Was that "Maniac" by Michael Sembello?!?
Sorry. Moving away from my singing and toward the match, this kid, Eugene is going to be big. What do I mean, “going”? He is big. And he should be. This character has been handled so well; and this guy plays Eugene to a tee. Even though there were no Canadians in the match, the fans in the arena were actually interested. During the match, J.R. wondered what Eugene’s strategy was. First, wet himself. Second, eat some gum that he found under his chair. Third, re-wet himself. Finally, RUN AWAY! Actually, he got some decent offense out against Big Red, which is more then most people can say. Match wasn’t designed to be technically sound; but it did create a sense of drama. If you can’t get into Eugene, then your retarded. I’m sorry. The guy is great. He’s getting great heat, the loudest pops, and his theme song kicks ass! He’s a maniac, M-A-N…sorry. Eugene got his Hulk-a-mania going during the match, and has impervious to pain. Stop hitting him in the head Kane, there’ nothing there to hurt! Eugene used the chair, and Kane got disqualified. Yep. Whatever, time to dance. Or not, considering Kane just took out Eugene with a post-match big boot. And a choke slam? Yep, that too. Benoit came to the rescue before further damage could be done, and brawled with the Dentist. Kane was too strong for the cross-face; and too pretty for radio, might I add? What? Raw was yet again awesome.
Bad Blood is shaping up perfectly! Matches were a little weak this…ah?…week. But the storylines held up…again. Two thumbs up for this “Special Edition” of Raw. Feedback welcome.
In Raw’s opening video, we saw a recap of the Triple H Mr. Egocentric Himself & Shawn The Holy Back Break Kid Michaels feud. Everything from Stevie-the Pizza Man-Richards’ beat down, to the final closing brawl in the ring…we got an up close and personal reminder of last week; as it became increasingly evident of who really rules the Raw roust. By which I’m implying the Hurricane a.k.a. Rodney Mack’s Bitch, of course. Hmm? Here’s a question for all of those who think they could write for the WWE: How do you keep La Resistance heel in their “hometown”? The answer will soon follow. The WWE’s solution was to pit them up against the New Candian Duo…Benoit and Edge (the old being Jericho and Christian). It’s a regular Canadians-R-Us out here, and I’m stoked! It must be something in the drinking water, but our neighbors to the north produce some tight ass matches.
Match 1: Canadians-a-muck! La Resistance a.k.a. These Jackets Are Fabulous .Versus. Horse-Toothed Jackass Edge and Chris The Toothless Wolverine Benoit: World Tag Team Championship :
By the way this is a special episode of Raw. Special like Eugene Einstein, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine. Edge, yet again, sent out his trained flatulence to scout the arena before coming out; and got half the pop as the Toothless Wolverine. J.R. mentioned that this was a special edition of Raw. To counter that, King said it was a special edition of Raw. “Well put” proclaimed J.R.; but then retorted by stating that this was a special edition of Raw. STOP SAYING SPECIAL EDITION. I get it! Crap in a sandwich, I’m not deaf or stupid. I only act that way. It gets chicks. "Owww, have mercy."
J.R.: [In response to the pop La Resistance received]: Some are cheering, some are booing…
but all are drinking. See! SEE! Put La Resistance up against two of Canada’s biggest names and you still can’t stop Canadians from cheering for the hometown boys. Pay absolutely no attention to how much you book them as heels, they are getting over tonight. Bizarro-World, as King put it, was a perfect description. These Jackets Are Fabulous came out in new, extra gay, gear. I tell ya’ it’s white, white tights, for white, white wrestlers. Alright Canadians, here‘s a conundrum: “Who do you boo?” I mean, you people HAVE to boo somebody, after all. I understand patriotism and shit like that, but you gave Lance Storm a standing ovation for doing that shitty dance, for f*ck’s sake. Am I mad, or is the air a little thin up there?
Montreal Crowd: Let’s go Sylvan! Let’s go Sylvan! Let’s go Sylvan!
Yep. I heard it too. Hell has just frozen over, by the way. Just thought I’d let you know.
King: [to J.R.] Je’ne pas frances?
No you schmuck-f*ck. You just said “I’m not French.” You meant to say was: Je parle francais…oh f*ck it…. moving on. In the land where Sylvan is king, this match had the crowd on their feet. That’s it, give me a shot of Jack Daniels. If I get drunk enough, I’ll think like them too. Oh this is the night of a million “Twwwwwooooo’s” . Oh yeah, and La Resistance are the new champs. I give em’ one week, and then they’re losing the belts again. I think? I mean, hope… Winners: These Jackets Are Fabulous
Rant: The experience has begun…have you seen it? WWE Experience? No? Me neither. How bout that?
Meanwhile, people touch La Resistance. These Jackets Are Fabulous mingle in the crowd with their fellow Canadians, even though Rob Conway is American. Jesh La Resistance…if you love them so much, why don’t you just marry them then? And speaking of drywall, there’s Randy Orton! Drywall? Never mind…The TRUE Legend joined us for a promo, with that mysterious white guy who now interviews people on Raw. Does he even work for the WWE, or does he just show up of his own accord? New stipulation: If Shelton wins tonight’s match against Randy, he gets a shot at the Intercontinental Championship at Bad Blood. Randy wasn’t happy, as Shelton wasn’t his caliber of athlete. Plus the man has a chia-pet on his head, so he frightens Randy, and gives him night terrors. Moving right along in the backstage area, William That’ll Teach Ya’ To Stick Your Willy In Malaria Regal and ATM Eric Bischoff were talking. ATM said that Eugene was now seen as an asset; ironically enough, as Eric said that sentence, Eugene was eating the fichus plant next to him. Tonight uncle Eric booked him in his second singles match…against a friend. And that friend is the Coach? No? Well, what’s he doing here? Bischoff tells Todd Pentigel #48 to apologize to Eugene…bitch! Bischoff now loves Eugene. And what’s not to love. Besides the smell. And the drooling. And the IBS. Moving on. Coach was told to go out to the ring to lodge a formal admission of guilt. And make me sandwich, now ham! Goddammit!
After the commercial break, Coach came out and begged for Eugene Einstein to join him. Before we move on, let me say this, I LOVE Eugene. And no, not like that you sicko…but good God d*mn is this a great angle. F*CK! I mean…f***. This is better then I could have ever dreamed. And speaking of f*ck, here comes Kane. After Coach made an apology, he introduced Eugene’s newest friend. Run! Go now, come on Eugene, use your superior, superhuman-like intellect. Get out of there! If there’s one thing that scares Eugene, it’s dentists. And by the by and by, I think the Big Red Dentist has a big, red, cold sore. Kissing Mae Young again, haven’t we Kane? Or was it Lita? I never knew that V-One-Ah! had V-D…ah?. Coach laughs as Kane attacked the handicapped. Oh, it is…kind…of funny.
Coach: Ha, ha, ha. H,a ha, ha.
George: Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Coach: AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!
Oh, ha, ha! Oh, good one. Bam! Hit em’ again! Boom! Ah, ha, ha. Apparently, Eric DOES hate Eugene. It’s Einstein versus Kane, tonight on Raw.
Match 2: STOP that!: Victoria a.k.a. Motor-Butt .Versus. Jazz Don’t Call Him “Mister”: Non-title Women’s Single Match
Oh God, does she have to dance like that? Weren’t you crazy? Go back to being crazy. You were great, when you were crazy. Hit her in the head. Get a wrench, f*ck man, do something. That dance is just not sexy. When I was 4, I saw my grandma shave her legs with a butter knife. That was more sexy. And practical too. This match was actually kind of a let down. I normally love ALL of Motor-Butt’s matches, but this one left me feeling down and out. For about 2/3 of the match, Victoria did the splits and showed us all her favorite sexual position. D*mn, I could do that. I just choose not to. Victoria wins, but her Kay-Fabe is going down faster then Bush’s approval ratings.
Winner: Motor-Butt
Match 3: God Damned Child Proof Knots!: Randy The TRUE Legend Orton .Versus. Shelton Never Going To Stop Me…F*ck, I Stopped! Benjamin: If Shelton wins, he gets an I.C. shot at Bad Blood
Batista came out with Orton, to insure a victory. Good for him. There’s another guy who’s getting better every day too…Batista Use Steroids Much? I mean. Seriously, he can actually WRESTLE now. Yeah, shocked me too. Well, during this match we learned that Orton is incapable of untying a knot; and/or, he’s never been a Boy Scout. God d*mned child proof knots! It was kind of funny though, watching them stall the match…all on account of the stupid ring technician who double knotted the f*cking rope. For a great match, the Montreal crowd was dead throughout it. Why? Because there were no Canadians / retards in it. Unless you count Lillian, but she played a very small role. Of course she is BOTH Canadian and retarded (what? Shut up George). Come one people. United States guys are good too. I can speak for Orton, as I grew up with the kid, and he's a good friend of mine. I’m very proud of the fact that he snuck me into my first R-rated movie (Species was the name of the movie, for the record). He’s a great, funny, and bright guy; who’s been trained by Cowboy Bob Orton (his father, and legend, who appears in Wrestlemania I) and spent time in G.C.W. (Gateway Championship Wrestling) here in St. Louis, AND spent two years in Ohio Valley Wrestling. Give it up people! God d*mn, do they ALL have to be Canadian for you to like them? If you can blow the roof off for La Resistance, Orton can at least get your attention. Match was killer, minus the lack luster ending. Shelton and Orton WILL meet at Bad Blood. Speaking of “bad blood”, my blood alcohol level must be off the charts by now.
Winner: Never Going To Stop Me…F*ck, I Stopped!
The mysterious white guy that interviews people on Raw, who I now know is named Todd, (hmmm. Maybe he’s Todd Pentigil #48? What do I call Coach then?) busts up Stacey Keibler’s photo-shoot. What photo-shoot. She’s more covered then Star Jones on a beach, in a moo-moo. And that guy taking her picture is creepy. Haven’t I seen you before? On America’s Most Wanted? Stacey says she’s excited about the new Diva search. Of course she is. That’s what the WWE really needs right now after all. Another hot babe, who can’t wrestle. Yeah baby!
Triple H, I mean Mr Egocentric Himself came out to the ring, but failed to spit the water. D*mn! People in Montreal must be hellza pissed. They paid all that money to go see Raw, live, and in person; and Triple didn’t even spit the water. That guy must suffer from constant and never-ending dehydration. Either that, or his lips are chapped from going down on Stephanie last night. Bing!
Triple H: You can stop looking up the entrance ramp, looking around the crowd, for a sneak attack; cause Shawn Michaels isn’t here tonight. Bischoff banned him from the arena tonight…
Crowd: “Yeah! Woo-hoo! Fine, we’re okay with that. Popcorn?” We see a lovely montage of Mr. Egocentrics history of Hell in the Cell matches. I will give him this…minus last years Bad Blood Hell in the Cell (Kevin Nash was in it. enough said), he has put on some classics. This years Bad Blood should kick some ass. And speaking of kicking ass, Triple H said that he would see Shawn Michaels in hell. But The Holy Back Break Kid isn’t going to hell. He knows Jesus, after all. Here's a story: Shawn Michaels is a man who once, as a practical joke, took a sh*t on a plate, and gave it to a female wrestler (for once I’m not joking. I don’t think I could make that up if I tried). After all, W.W.J.D.?
Match 4: My god…he won?: Matt Ve-One-Ah! Hardy .Versus. Garrison Couldn’t Care Less Cade: Singles Match
I guess Coach is finished with Cade. Got sick of him that quickly, huh? Now you know what I feel like! Lita is now coming out with Matt. It’s like 2001 all over again. In a surprise, this wasn’t a SQUASH match. Crowd was, again, dead…but the match wasn’t a total loss. Hardy finally got an actual, tangible, victory on Raw. Amazing. Kane did nothing during this match; leading me to believe that it is indeed, “all over”. So we never found out what Kane asked (I figured it out. Kane, after all, just needed a booty-call), and that was it? Okay. Glad Michael Hayes got that sick storyline out of his head. Now if I could only get the image of Eddie’s face out of my head!
Winner: and about f*cking time…Ve-One-Ah!
Elsewhere, uncle Eric tells Eugene that he only wants him to suffer unimaginable pain, because he wants to protect Eugene, and he loves him. Awe. Isn’t that cute. ATM Eric finally gets his hug. Poor Eugene. He’s going to need disinfectant after touching Bischoff.
Highlight Reel--Femme Fatal
Since Y2 Goldilocks is out, Trish The Nose Stratus is taking over the Highlight Reel. Good for her. Her boy toy bodyguard, Tyson the Turtle Tomko came out too. They’re not letting him talk yet…I wonder why? Wouldn’t it be hilarious if his voice was high pitched? Like a circus midget, having his nuts stepped on by a 600 lbs elephant while being circumcised by a blind, deformed Rabbi with a clef palate. The highlight of the night, was of Jericho going through the Raw announce table, spilling J.R.’s water cup everywhere. Poor guy. Jericho finally arrived and went after the Turtle. After taking him out, Jericho got the Walls of Goldilocks on Trish. Stop that you two, get a room! To break it up, Tomko kicked the spot next to Jericho’s head as hard as he could. Wow! Strike 3, your out! That wasn’t even close, bro. Did you forget your glasses? He disassemble both Jericho and his set. Poor guy. Eugene, I think we need a hug.
Meanwhile, a camera man is caught in Kane’s gravitational pull; and was rotating around the Big Red Dentist. Kane them spotted him, and looked into the camera. As he faded off, George distinctly heard him say “call me Grand-poo-bah!”
Main Event: Raining on Rain Man’s parade: Eugene Einstein .Versus. The Big Red Dentist, Kane: Singles Match:
What is it about watching “special” people falling down that is so hysterical? Hey don’t look at me! Ask Coach. And as Einstein’s music hits, a timid Eugene made his way down. Hey get down to the new music! "He's a M-a-n-i-a-c, on the floor." Was that "Maniac" by Michael Sembello?!?
Sorry. Moving away from my singing and toward the match, this kid, Eugene is going to be big. What do I mean, “going”? He is big. And he should be. This character has been handled so well; and this guy plays Eugene to a tee. Even though there were no Canadians in the match, the fans in the arena were actually interested. During the match, J.R. wondered what Eugene’s strategy was. First, wet himself. Second, eat some gum that he found under his chair. Third, re-wet himself. Finally, RUN AWAY! Actually, he got some decent offense out against Big Red, which is more then most people can say. Match wasn’t designed to be technically sound; but it did create a sense of drama. If you can’t get into Eugene, then your retarded. I’m sorry. The guy is great. He’s getting great heat, the loudest pops, and his theme song kicks ass! He’s a maniac, M-A-N…sorry. Eugene got his Hulk-a-mania going during the match, and has impervious to pain. Stop hitting him in the head Kane, there’ nothing there to hurt! Eugene used the chair, and Kane got disqualified. Yep. Whatever, time to dance. Or not, considering Kane just took out Eugene with a post-match big boot. And a choke slam? Yep, that too. Benoit came to the rescue before further damage could be done, and brawled with the Dentist. Kane was too strong for the cross-face; and too pretty for radio, might I add? What? Raw was yet again awesome.
Bad Blood is shaping up perfectly! Matches were a little weak this…ah?…week. But the storylines held up…again. Two thumbs up for this “Special Edition” of Raw. Feedback welcome.