Vastardikai
03-04-2022, 12:26 AM
Disclaimer: Yes. This is another taking the piss post. It may also be the biggest one to date.
* AEW World Championship Match: Hangman Page vs. Adam Cole
* AEW Women’s World Championship Match: Britt Baker vs. Thunder Rosa
* AEW Tag Team Championship Match: Jurassic Express vs. reDRagon vs. The Young Bucks
Event starts off with Leyla Hirsch vs Kris Statlander. Leyla Hirsch's greatest career accomplishment is looking like a small child compared to NWA Women's Champion Kamille. Kris Statlander is the drizzling shits. The only thing she can do without botching is boop people on the nose. The match ends with Statlander proving me wrong, botching a nose boop and poking Hirsch in the eye. She then almost kills Hirsch with her finisher. One-Two-Three.
Backstage, Kyle O'Reilly is passed by music star (?) Jason Mraz. Mraz's manager grabs Kyle, telling him he's going to be late for the concert. Jason Mraz is then confronted by Adam Cole (Bay Bay), telling him it's time to get ready for their match, then he pours some water in his hair.
Hook vs QT Marshall is up next. It's pretty much QT carrying Hook to a match. Hook is fucking awesome. Much better than that shitty Bron Breakker guy. It isn't overly impressive, because QT isn't overly impressive and Hook looks like a high school kid cosplaying as an ass kicker or a less impressive Logan Paul without the charisma. The AEW faithful worship him as some kind of god. Hook wins with Red Rum.
Before the end of the buy in, we cut to the Young Bucks locker room, where there is an open celebration. Many on the party-goers are wearing paper bags over their heads. Huge signs adorn the wall reading "The Cody The" in its original German. Participants are throwing darts at a board that has Stardust's face on it. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) is pouring more water in his hair, but somehow looks less muscularly defined. Bobby Fish notices that Jason Mraz isn't Kyle O'Reilly, because they team together. Nick Jackson just dismisses it, saying "You're just one of those Q-Anon guys. Next thing you know, you'll be trying to say that Pro Wrestling has some kind of Sex Offender problem going back years.
Jason Mraz is boredly flipping channels, the screen shows the late Art Barr, the late Jimmy Saville, the late Johnny Walker (Mr. Wrestling 2), Chasyn Rance (aka my one a episode), El Ligero, Jack Gallagher, one of the Mulkeys, and "Rock n Roll" Buck Zumhofe. Suddenly, Joey Ryan and Marty Scurrl make a cameo appearance.
Bryan Danielson and Jon Moxley open the PPV proper. They have a barn burner that fires the crowd up. Danielson, being one of the best wrestlers in the world, has the talent to work with Moxley and the level of respect to keep him from delving into his worst behaviors. The match ends with a 30 minute time limit draw. No one goes over, but it was a good match, and that's good enough for Bryan Danielson.
Jade Cargill vs Tay Conti is up next. Jade comes out first, Green as Money. Also as Green as someone who cannot properly do a forward roll or remember to kick out before three. A decently run promotion with a guy who could actually book would have had the Bunny win the TBS championship, and this match would either be a rematch or be made a Triple Threat. If Jade was originally supposed to stay champion, she'd kill everyone and pin the Bunny. If Tay was to win, she'd take Jade out enough that she could pin the Bunny, protecting Jade and set up a proper match. Either outcome would set up this match at a later date. Again however, I'm just some asshole who barely posts on an Internet Message Board, not the 2x Booker of the Year.
Jade Cargill is improving by leaps and bounds, under the Tutelage of Bryan "I don't have the patience to train people" Danielson. But Tay comes out second, making out with Sammy Guevara as she makes her way down the aisle. By the way, we should respect Tay and Sammy's privacy. The fans do so because they don't notice. They're too busy staring at Tay's ass. The match is horrible, as neither can really lead a match. Despite Tay being "So improved" from her days of being too green to be readily used in NXT. Tay Botches her finish, and Jade forgets to kick out again. The match continues. Jade lands a Bicycle kick to Conti's left breast, and goes for the cover, her shoulders go on the mat, Conti's ass is in the air. The ring gets bukake'd for the second time. No one knows how it ends. Tay grabs the belt and declares herself the winner. Everyone just goes along with it.
There is a brief break where "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling" comes out, dollar bill hanging out of his left nostril. He announces that he has purchased Chikara. Mike Quackenbush happily sold for $40 million, as it was just a name, a tape library, and a bunch of ridiculous costumes. The crowd cheers at this addition of content, and the cunning business acumen of "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling."
Tornado Trios Tag Match is up next. Not really any different from your normal Trios Tag Match, just that you don't have to pretend to need a tag, as opposed to not bothering to tag. Matt Hardy's team comes out first. Matt looks to the back for someone, but no one knows who. Kassidy and El Idolo think Matt is just acting "Erratically" again. Sting and company come out second. Sting seems to ask Matt something, Matt seems to mouth something else. Sting visibly face palms. Sammy is the last to come through the curtain, just as Hos, I mean, TBS Champion Tay Conti pulls her hand out of his trunks. We should truly respect their privacy.
Aubrey Edwards is the referee. She calls for the bell and immediately starts recreating the solo dance from Swan Lake. The match is a clusterfuck, aka a multi-person match in AEW. Matt keeps trying to look for someone, to no avail. Sting is looking for someone as well, possibly the same person. Darby and Sammy take turns doing wreckless and sloppy moves to their opponents. Idolo almost wins, but Sting locks on the Scorpion Deathlock to Kassidy, who taps immediately. The crowd is glad to see the veteran Sting put over the young talent, as opposed to that no good piece of shit Cody, who made everything about him.
Jericho vs. Kingston is next. Jericho looks like he has lost a lot of weight, maybe even started laying off Teh Bubbly. Kingston looks like he found the weight Jericho lost. They have a great promo battle to start, Kingston for some reason brings up Claudio Castagnolli again. They have a match, and at least Jericho can brawl so it isn't a complete car crash. At some point Claudio actually DOES show up, to a huge pop from the crowd. Kingston gives him a Backfist to the Future, knocking him out and killing any reaction the crowd might have gotten from his arrival. Jericho wins, and says "Take me back, Vince!" as he leaves.
"Face of the Revolution" Ladder Match is next. Hobbs and Starks come out together, with Hook and Tazz. Wardlow comes out by himself. Indubitably, Keith Lee makes his entrance next, and he is the Predecessor of Orange Cassidy, accompanied by his compatriots the Best Friends, Wheeler Yuta, and Danhausen. It is time for the final participant. Fans are chanting for Jeff Hardy. Instead, out comes 16 year old phenom Nick Wayne, making his AEW in ring debut. The match starts hot, with Wardlow murdering the entire Puddin' Gang, and no selling a Curse from Danhausen. Or So we are lead to ponder, as he is fiercely Pounced into the Concessions area by Keith Lee.
Starks and Hobbs double team Wayne, but Orange comes to the rescue, knocking Hobbs out with a single Superman Punch. The young man sets up a ladder to go for the win. As he makes his ascent, out staggers Jeff Hardy, looking like he took Percocets. Excaliber and Tony are shocked, as if he was supposed to show up two matches ago. Nick Wayne gets to the top of the ladder, looking to dive onto Team Taz and the Puddin' Gang. However, Jeff Hardy rolls into the ring, hitting the ladder as he does so. Nick falls from the ladder and spikes his head on the concrete floor below. Ricky Starks immediately breaks character and checks on him, trying to secure his neck. Matt comes out, visibly concerned about the state his brother is in. Tony Khan HAD to get Jeff Hardy, though. Even though there is a match in the library of why Jeff has a reputation for being a fucked up pill head (If you're curious, it's Jeff Hardy vs. Joey Matthews vs. Kirby Mack). Even though Sting had to shoot pin him in a major PPV because he was too fucked up to wrestle. But, because Jeff Hardy is a fuck up surrounded by enablers, and the Young Bucks just HAD to put themselves over the Hardy Boys, and Tony Khan HAD to have Jeff Hardy, a 16 year old kid who could have learned the business the right way will be paralyzed from the neck down.
The Show must go on (unless it was Owen Hart who died. Fuck Vince McMahon). Orange Cassidy hits the Superman Punch on Wardlow, taking him out. Powerhouse Hobbs comes to, only to get knocked out by another Superman Punch from Orange Cassidy. Keith Lee attempts to ascend the ladder in an attempt to obtain the prestigious accolade of Face of the Revolution. However, Keith Lee is Vanquished by a Citrus Fruit Cassidy Clark Kent Strike. Orange Cassidy becomes the Face of the Revolution. Because Fuck any big guy in AEW, and Ricky Starks is too charismatic and too unrelatable to be trusted with a real title.
There is a brief break where "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling" comes out, dollar bill hanging out of both of his nostrils. He announces that he has purchased Global Force Wrestling. Jeff Jarrett happily sold for $60 Million, which was basically just a name and a stack of Gold. The crowd cheers at this addition of content, and the cunning business acumen of "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling."
The Dog Collar match is next. MFJ comes out first, looking like a star, and the only member of the 4 pillars who could actually make something of himself. CM Punk comes out second, his head wrapped up, carrying the dog collar and declaring that it's "Time to get his win back!" It's a good back and forth contest, very violent. Lots of blood. Eventually, CM Punk does indeed get his win back.
AEW Women's Title Match is up Next. Thunder Rosa comes out first, but her entrance isn't shown. Instead, we are treated to a Cameo of Steve Martin declaring Britt Baker to be the best Dentist of all Time. Followed by Glen Jacobs saying the same thing. Followed by Mario and Ben Roethlisberger and Mario Lemieux each declaring her to be the greatest sports star to ever come from the city of Pittsburgh. Finally, Thunder Rosa herself says that Britt Baker is the best, and thanks her for contributing to her Taco Blog, as she gets paid slightly less than Velvet Sky did in TNA, when she had to work at the Sunglass Hut to make ends meet. When the Cameo's end, Rosa is already in the ring.
Baker comes out next, with Jamie Hayter and her other charge debuting a new gimmick. She is now known as Not Rebel, Not Reba, Not Rebecca, Not Rhonda, but Rose. Tony Schiavone gives Britt a hug, causing Adam Cole to come out, he looks to be six inches shorter. He threatens Tony. CM Punk walks up behind her and smacks her ass. Britt says "Call Me." She has a Komondor on a leash, which she hands to Tony Khan, who is standing at the base of the ramp waiting for. He gives the camera a knowing wink before leading it to the back. The entire female roster kneels down before her, because she is the only woman who matters in the AEW Women's Division. She then declares that it is "Time to get her Win Back!"
The match is very good. On par with their Lights Out match the year before, where Thunder Rosa did the second best carry job that week. Fun Fact: Britt Baker lost "Tooth and Nail," and just like in the "Lights Out" match, her victorious opponent was buried. Fans didn't even notice the times Rosa had to adjust moves to keep Baker from hurting her or herself. Rosa is incredibly over, and as such, that can't be allowed. Britt kicks out of the Thunder Fire Driver at 1, No sells the Peruvian Necktie, and beats her flat with the Lockjaw. The crowd is deflated as Rosa leaves. It is then revealed that Thunder Rosa was fired from AEW because she wasn't a good enough wrestler. Furthermore, we'll be treated to the long awaited return of Ivelisse. The fans buy it, because they're totally NOT a Cult.
There is a brief break where "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling" comes out, his face and hair covered in white powder. He announces that he has purchased Heroes of Wrestling. Bill Stone happily sold for $150 Milliion, which was basically a name, that one god awful pay per view, and the three leftover bricks of cocaine that Jake forgot about. The crowd cheers at this addition of content, and the cunning business acumen of "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling."
Meanwhile, at the Jason Mraz Concert, Kyle O'Reilly is somewhat nervous. The reason being is that he cannot play a guitar. Fortune shines on him, as Marko Stunt finally lands from getting thrown in the air by Matt Hardy two Vastardikai joke Bookings ago. He is a much better guitar player than he is a wrestler, which is a good thing. He might make it through this.
Up Next, we have the Tag Team Title Match. Bobby Fish and Jason Mraz comes out first. Bobby Fish is still the only person who knows the difference. Out next comes the Jurassic Express. Finally, out comes the Young Bucks. They come out last because they are the EVPs, as in the stars of the show. They are dressed in tuxedos like Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber. They look ridiculous, but that's because they are such good heels.
Just before the bell rings, two meth heads show up on the ramp, holding microphones. Wait a minute, those aren't meth heads, those are the Briscoe Brothers, chicken farming meth heads! Mark Briscoe tries to cut a promo, but is interrupted by his brother Jay, who gives us the promo of our lifetime. A promo so legendary, I must post it verbatim so everyone can understand the true intellectual depth of it.
Jay Briscoe: FUCK THE YOUNG BUCKS! FUCK THE JURASSIC EXPRESS! FUCK THE REDRAGON! REDRAGON IS A STUPID FUCKING NAME! FUCK THE REDRAGON! FUCKING JASON MRAZ LOOKING ASS! FUCK YOU! FUCK ME! FUCK US! FUCK TOM! FUCK MARY! FUCK GUS!
Mark randomly pulls out some Cheez-Its and starts snack on them while Jay continues his Shakespearean level Soliloquy.
Jay Briscoe: FUCK TONY KHAN FOR BUYING ROH BUT NOT SIGNING US! WE CAN FUCKING GO! DEM BOYS CAN FUCK EVERYONE UP! FUCK THE YOUNG BUCKS! FUCK THE REDRAGON! FUCK THE JURASSIC EXPRESS! FUCK THE WORLD! DEM BOYS!
Out come Ron and Don Harris, doing a callback of their "Standards and Practices" gimmick from WCW. The crowd pops at the opening of the Forbidden Door, as they own Anthem. They declare that there is no way the Turner Network is going to let these guys on the air. As the Briscoe are led to the back, the Nazi Harris Twin does a Seig Hiel salute, which is answered by Bobby Fish.
The match begins. Everyone does everything, nothing registers, it just kills the crowd deader than watching a 16 year old kid with his whole life ahead of him get crippled by a drug addict who couldn't go to work clean. Jason Mraz, knowing he is in deep shit, fights for his life, wincing in pain from stiff blows. Fans report that it's the best selling Kyle O'Reilly has ever done.
Meanwhile, fans at the Jason Mraz concert are treated to a nice set of Kyle O'Reilly singing to the best of his ability, accompanied by some Make a Wish kid who can play the hell out of a guitar.
Back at the tag team title match, the Bucks declare it is their show, and give everyone BTE triggers. They pin everyone with their pinkies to regain the AEW Tag Team Titles. We're glad that the Young Bucks are back on top, as opposed to that son of a bitch Cody Rhodes, who made everything about him.
Main Event time: as Adam Cole (Bay Bay) faces Adam Page. Wangman comes out, doing his full Anxious Millenial Cowboy schtick. He has had an underwhelming title run, being barely featured. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) comes out second, looking to be wasting away before our very eyes. He lost during the run up to Orange Cassidy. People say it was "Lights Out" and didn't count, but he looks as weak going in as his incredibly shrinking frame does.
The match is Good. Every match in AEW is good, according to the fans. Who are absolutely not a cult. As the match goes on, Cole (Bay Bay) splashes water on his hair, and he seems to shrink another inch. The finish comes when Wangman goes for the Buckshot Lariat, but it goes completely over his head, because he has shrunk that much. Cole (Bay Bay) then hits his Panama Sunrise for the win.
The Night isn't over, though. For no reason, Kenny Omega makes his long awaited AEW return. The crowd goes wild for him. He checks on his former tag team partner and then challenges Adam Cole (Bay Bay) to a match right then and there! The crowd cheers the callback to Wrestlemania IX. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) accepts. The Bell rings and Omega goes straight for the One Winged Angel. However, a combination of lingering Vertigo and Adam shrinking has left him unable to hit dreaded maneuver. He then goes for a Single V-Trigger, knocking Cole (Bay Bay) out. Omega puts a foot on his chest to regain his AEW Championship. We are glad that the Executive Vice Presidents are booking themselves on top again, as opposed to that no good piece of shit Cody Rhodes, who was booking himself on top.
* AEW World Championship Match: Hangman Page vs. Adam Cole
* AEW Women’s World Championship Match: Britt Baker vs. Thunder Rosa
* AEW Tag Team Championship Match: Jurassic Express vs. reDRagon vs. The Young Bucks
Event starts off with Leyla Hirsch vs Kris Statlander. Leyla Hirsch's greatest career accomplishment is looking like a small child compared to NWA Women's Champion Kamille. Kris Statlander is the drizzling shits. The only thing she can do without botching is boop people on the nose. The match ends with Statlander proving me wrong, botching a nose boop and poking Hirsch in the eye. She then almost kills Hirsch with her finisher. One-Two-Three.
Backstage, Kyle O'Reilly is passed by music star (?) Jason Mraz. Mraz's manager grabs Kyle, telling him he's going to be late for the concert. Jason Mraz is then confronted by Adam Cole (Bay Bay), telling him it's time to get ready for their match, then he pours some water in his hair.
Hook vs QT Marshall is up next. It's pretty much QT carrying Hook to a match. Hook is fucking awesome. Much better than that shitty Bron Breakker guy. It isn't overly impressive, because QT isn't overly impressive and Hook looks like a high school kid cosplaying as an ass kicker or a less impressive Logan Paul without the charisma. The AEW faithful worship him as some kind of god. Hook wins with Red Rum.
Before the end of the buy in, we cut to the Young Bucks locker room, where there is an open celebration. Many on the party-goers are wearing paper bags over their heads. Huge signs adorn the wall reading "The Cody The" in its original German. Participants are throwing darts at a board that has Stardust's face on it. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) is pouring more water in his hair, but somehow looks less muscularly defined. Bobby Fish notices that Jason Mraz isn't Kyle O'Reilly, because they team together. Nick Jackson just dismisses it, saying "You're just one of those Q-Anon guys. Next thing you know, you'll be trying to say that Pro Wrestling has some kind of Sex Offender problem going back years.
Jason Mraz is boredly flipping channels, the screen shows the late Art Barr, the late Jimmy Saville, the late Johnny Walker (Mr. Wrestling 2), Chasyn Rance (aka my one a episode), El Ligero, Jack Gallagher, one of the Mulkeys, and "Rock n Roll" Buck Zumhofe. Suddenly, Joey Ryan and Marty Scurrl make a cameo appearance.
Bryan Danielson and Jon Moxley open the PPV proper. They have a barn burner that fires the crowd up. Danielson, being one of the best wrestlers in the world, has the talent to work with Moxley and the level of respect to keep him from delving into his worst behaviors. The match ends with a 30 minute time limit draw. No one goes over, but it was a good match, and that's good enough for Bryan Danielson.
Jade Cargill vs Tay Conti is up next. Jade comes out first, Green as Money. Also as Green as someone who cannot properly do a forward roll or remember to kick out before three. A decently run promotion with a guy who could actually book would have had the Bunny win the TBS championship, and this match would either be a rematch or be made a Triple Threat. If Jade was originally supposed to stay champion, she'd kill everyone and pin the Bunny. If Tay was to win, she'd take Jade out enough that she could pin the Bunny, protecting Jade and set up a proper match. Either outcome would set up this match at a later date. Again however, I'm just some asshole who barely posts on an Internet Message Board, not the 2x Booker of the Year.
Jade Cargill is improving by leaps and bounds, under the Tutelage of Bryan "I don't have the patience to train people" Danielson. But Tay comes out second, making out with Sammy Guevara as she makes her way down the aisle. By the way, we should respect Tay and Sammy's privacy. The fans do so because they don't notice. They're too busy staring at Tay's ass. The match is horrible, as neither can really lead a match. Despite Tay being "So improved" from her days of being too green to be readily used in NXT. Tay Botches her finish, and Jade forgets to kick out again. The match continues. Jade lands a Bicycle kick to Conti's left breast, and goes for the cover, her shoulders go on the mat, Conti's ass is in the air. The ring gets bukake'd for the second time. No one knows how it ends. Tay grabs the belt and declares herself the winner. Everyone just goes along with it.
There is a brief break where "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling" comes out, dollar bill hanging out of his left nostril. He announces that he has purchased Chikara. Mike Quackenbush happily sold for $40 million, as it was just a name, a tape library, and a bunch of ridiculous costumes. The crowd cheers at this addition of content, and the cunning business acumen of "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling."
Tornado Trios Tag Match is up next. Not really any different from your normal Trios Tag Match, just that you don't have to pretend to need a tag, as opposed to not bothering to tag. Matt Hardy's team comes out first. Matt looks to the back for someone, but no one knows who. Kassidy and El Idolo think Matt is just acting "Erratically" again. Sting and company come out second. Sting seems to ask Matt something, Matt seems to mouth something else. Sting visibly face palms. Sammy is the last to come through the curtain, just as Hos, I mean, TBS Champion Tay Conti pulls her hand out of his trunks. We should truly respect their privacy.
Aubrey Edwards is the referee. She calls for the bell and immediately starts recreating the solo dance from Swan Lake. The match is a clusterfuck, aka a multi-person match in AEW. Matt keeps trying to look for someone, to no avail. Sting is looking for someone as well, possibly the same person. Darby and Sammy take turns doing wreckless and sloppy moves to their opponents. Idolo almost wins, but Sting locks on the Scorpion Deathlock to Kassidy, who taps immediately. The crowd is glad to see the veteran Sting put over the young talent, as opposed to that no good piece of shit Cody, who made everything about him.
Jericho vs. Kingston is next. Jericho looks like he has lost a lot of weight, maybe even started laying off Teh Bubbly. Kingston looks like he found the weight Jericho lost. They have a great promo battle to start, Kingston for some reason brings up Claudio Castagnolli again. They have a match, and at least Jericho can brawl so it isn't a complete car crash. At some point Claudio actually DOES show up, to a huge pop from the crowd. Kingston gives him a Backfist to the Future, knocking him out and killing any reaction the crowd might have gotten from his arrival. Jericho wins, and says "Take me back, Vince!" as he leaves.
"Face of the Revolution" Ladder Match is next. Hobbs and Starks come out together, with Hook and Tazz. Wardlow comes out by himself. Indubitably, Keith Lee makes his entrance next, and he is the Predecessor of Orange Cassidy, accompanied by his compatriots the Best Friends, Wheeler Yuta, and Danhausen. It is time for the final participant. Fans are chanting for Jeff Hardy. Instead, out comes 16 year old phenom Nick Wayne, making his AEW in ring debut. The match starts hot, with Wardlow murdering the entire Puddin' Gang, and no selling a Curse from Danhausen. Or So we are lead to ponder, as he is fiercely Pounced into the Concessions area by Keith Lee.
Starks and Hobbs double team Wayne, but Orange comes to the rescue, knocking Hobbs out with a single Superman Punch. The young man sets up a ladder to go for the win. As he makes his ascent, out staggers Jeff Hardy, looking like he took Percocets. Excaliber and Tony are shocked, as if he was supposed to show up two matches ago. Nick Wayne gets to the top of the ladder, looking to dive onto Team Taz and the Puddin' Gang. However, Jeff Hardy rolls into the ring, hitting the ladder as he does so. Nick falls from the ladder and spikes his head on the concrete floor below. Ricky Starks immediately breaks character and checks on him, trying to secure his neck. Matt comes out, visibly concerned about the state his brother is in. Tony Khan HAD to get Jeff Hardy, though. Even though there is a match in the library of why Jeff has a reputation for being a fucked up pill head (If you're curious, it's Jeff Hardy vs. Joey Matthews vs. Kirby Mack). Even though Sting had to shoot pin him in a major PPV because he was too fucked up to wrestle. But, because Jeff Hardy is a fuck up surrounded by enablers, and the Young Bucks just HAD to put themselves over the Hardy Boys, and Tony Khan HAD to have Jeff Hardy, a 16 year old kid who could have learned the business the right way will be paralyzed from the neck down.
The Show must go on (unless it was Owen Hart who died. Fuck Vince McMahon). Orange Cassidy hits the Superman Punch on Wardlow, taking him out. Powerhouse Hobbs comes to, only to get knocked out by another Superman Punch from Orange Cassidy. Keith Lee attempts to ascend the ladder in an attempt to obtain the prestigious accolade of Face of the Revolution. However, Keith Lee is Vanquished by a Citrus Fruit Cassidy Clark Kent Strike. Orange Cassidy becomes the Face of the Revolution. Because Fuck any big guy in AEW, and Ricky Starks is too charismatic and too unrelatable to be trusted with a real title.
There is a brief break where "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling" comes out, dollar bill hanging out of both of his nostrils. He announces that he has purchased Global Force Wrestling. Jeff Jarrett happily sold for $60 Million, which was basically just a name and a stack of Gold. The crowd cheers at this addition of content, and the cunning business acumen of "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling."
The Dog Collar match is next. MFJ comes out first, looking like a star, and the only member of the 4 pillars who could actually make something of himself. CM Punk comes out second, his head wrapped up, carrying the dog collar and declaring that it's "Time to get his win back!" It's a good back and forth contest, very violent. Lots of blood. Eventually, CM Punk does indeed get his win back.
AEW Women's Title Match is up Next. Thunder Rosa comes out first, but her entrance isn't shown. Instead, we are treated to a Cameo of Steve Martin declaring Britt Baker to be the best Dentist of all Time. Followed by Glen Jacobs saying the same thing. Followed by Mario and Ben Roethlisberger and Mario Lemieux each declaring her to be the greatest sports star to ever come from the city of Pittsburgh. Finally, Thunder Rosa herself says that Britt Baker is the best, and thanks her for contributing to her Taco Blog, as she gets paid slightly less than Velvet Sky did in TNA, when she had to work at the Sunglass Hut to make ends meet. When the Cameo's end, Rosa is already in the ring.
Baker comes out next, with Jamie Hayter and her other charge debuting a new gimmick. She is now known as Not Rebel, Not Reba, Not Rebecca, Not Rhonda, but Rose. Tony Schiavone gives Britt a hug, causing Adam Cole to come out, he looks to be six inches shorter. He threatens Tony. CM Punk walks up behind her and smacks her ass. Britt says "Call Me." She has a Komondor on a leash, which she hands to Tony Khan, who is standing at the base of the ramp waiting for. He gives the camera a knowing wink before leading it to the back. The entire female roster kneels down before her, because she is the only woman who matters in the AEW Women's Division. She then declares that it is "Time to get her Win Back!"
The match is very good. On par with their Lights Out match the year before, where Thunder Rosa did the second best carry job that week. Fun Fact: Britt Baker lost "Tooth and Nail," and just like in the "Lights Out" match, her victorious opponent was buried. Fans didn't even notice the times Rosa had to adjust moves to keep Baker from hurting her or herself. Rosa is incredibly over, and as such, that can't be allowed. Britt kicks out of the Thunder Fire Driver at 1, No sells the Peruvian Necktie, and beats her flat with the Lockjaw. The crowd is deflated as Rosa leaves. It is then revealed that Thunder Rosa was fired from AEW because she wasn't a good enough wrestler. Furthermore, we'll be treated to the long awaited return of Ivelisse. The fans buy it, because they're totally NOT a Cult.
There is a brief break where "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling" comes out, his face and hair covered in white powder. He announces that he has purchased Heroes of Wrestling. Bill Stone happily sold for $150 Milliion, which was basically a name, that one god awful pay per view, and the three leftover bricks of cocaine that Jake forgot about. The crowd cheers at this addition of content, and the cunning business acumen of "The Forbidden Door" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan "The Savior of Wrestling."
Meanwhile, at the Jason Mraz Concert, Kyle O'Reilly is somewhat nervous. The reason being is that he cannot play a guitar. Fortune shines on him, as Marko Stunt finally lands from getting thrown in the air by Matt Hardy two Vastardikai joke Bookings ago. He is a much better guitar player than he is a wrestler, which is a good thing. He might make it through this.
Up Next, we have the Tag Team Title Match. Bobby Fish and Jason Mraz comes out first. Bobby Fish is still the only person who knows the difference. Out next comes the Jurassic Express. Finally, out comes the Young Bucks. They come out last because they are the EVPs, as in the stars of the show. They are dressed in tuxedos like Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber. They look ridiculous, but that's because they are such good heels.
Just before the bell rings, two meth heads show up on the ramp, holding microphones. Wait a minute, those aren't meth heads, those are the Briscoe Brothers, chicken farming meth heads! Mark Briscoe tries to cut a promo, but is interrupted by his brother Jay, who gives us the promo of our lifetime. A promo so legendary, I must post it verbatim so everyone can understand the true intellectual depth of it.
Jay Briscoe: FUCK THE YOUNG BUCKS! FUCK THE JURASSIC EXPRESS! FUCK THE REDRAGON! REDRAGON IS A STUPID FUCKING NAME! FUCK THE REDRAGON! FUCKING JASON MRAZ LOOKING ASS! FUCK YOU! FUCK ME! FUCK US! FUCK TOM! FUCK MARY! FUCK GUS!
Mark randomly pulls out some Cheez-Its and starts snack on them while Jay continues his Shakespearean level Soliloquy.
Jay Briscoe: FUCK TONY KHAN FOR BUYING ROH BUT NOT SIGNING US! WE CAN FUCKING GO! DEM BOYS CAN FUCK EVERYONE UP! FUCK THE YOUNG BUCKS! FUCK THE REDRAGON! FUCK THE JURASSIC EXPRESS! FUCK THE WORLD! DEM BOYS!
Out come Ron and Don Harris, doing a callback of their "Standards and Practices" gimmick from WCW. The crowd pops at the opening of the Forbidden Door, as they own Anthem. They declare that there is no way the Turner Network is going to let these guys on the air. As the Briscoe are led to the back, the Nazi Harris Twin does a Seig Hiel salute, which is answered by Bobby Fish.
The match begins. Everyone does everything, nothing registers, it just kills the crowd deader than watching a 16 year old kid with his whole life ahead of him get crippled by a drug addict who couldn't go to work clean. Jason Mraz, knowing he is in deep shit, fights for his life, wincing in pain from stiff blows. Fans report that it's the best selling Kyle O'Reilly has ever done.
Meanwhile, fans at the Jason Mraz concert are treated to a nice set of Kyle O'Reilly singing to the best of his ability, accompanied by some Make a Wish kid who can play the hell out of a guitar.
Back at the tag team title match, the Bucks declare it is their show, and give everyone BTE triggers. They pin everyone with their pinkies to regain the AEW Tag Team Titles. We're glad that the Young Bucks are back on top, as opposed to that son of a bitch Cody Rhodes, who made everything about him.
Main Event time: as Adam Cole (Bay Bay) faces Adam Page. Wangman comes out, doing his full Anxious Millenial Cowboy schtick. He has had an underwhelming title run, being barely featured. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) comes out second, looking to be wasting away before our very eyes. He lost during the run up to Orange Cassidy. People say it was "Lights Out" and didn't count, but he looks as weak going in as his incredibly shrinking frame does.
The match is Good. Every match in AEW is good, according to the fans. Who are absolutely not a cult. As the match goes on, Cole (Bay Bay) splashes water on his hair, and he seems to shrink another inch. The finish comes when Wangman goes for the Buckshot Lariat, but it goes completely over his head, because he has shrunk that much. Cole (Bay Bay) then hits his Panama Sunrise for the win.
The Night isn't over, though. For no reason, Kenny Omega makes his long awaited AEW return. The crowd goes wild for him. He checks on his former tag team partner and then challenges Adam Cole (Bay Bay) to a match right then and there! The crowd cheers the callback to Wrestlemania IX. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) accepts. The Bell rings and Omega goes straight for the One Winged Angel. However, a combination of lingering Vertigo and Adam shrinking has left him unable to hit dreaded maneuver. He then goes for a Single V-Trigger, knocking Cole (Bay Bay) out. Omega puts a foot on his chest to regain his AEW Championship. We are glad that the Executive Vice Presidents are booking themselves on top again, as opposed to that no good piece of shit Cody Rhodes, who was booking himself on top.