Vastardikai
05-28-2022, 05:44 PM
HookHausen vs. Sterling and Neese:
Remember when Neese was considered the "Hottest Free Agent in Wrestling?" Dude has a physique and a solid look, making him the only person in this match that can say this. Danhausen takes off his shirt, making everyone wonder "Why?" At one point, Danhausen does the Tequila dance on the apron, where he gets assistance from referee Aubrey Edwards, who is dancing with him. Hook just looks on, mean mugging, or is he constipated? I can't ever tell. The ending comes when Hook puts Sterling in Redrum. Neese tries to make the save, only to have Danhausen pour teeth into his mouth. Why? Fuck if I know. HookHausen wins.
Jade Cargill vs. Anna Jay:
Jade comes out First with her Baddies, Kiera Hogan and Red Velvet. Velvet somehow slips off the ramp and spikes herself on the floor. By the way, she's somehow the face of AEW, as far as the advertisers know. Anna Jay is supposed to come out next, but she doesn't. They claim it was a Injury on the air. Causing Anna Jay to tweet out "Wait, I still work there?" There is a conversation over who is supposed to be her replacement. Jade demands to be declared the winner by forfeit. Just before referee Bryce Remsberg can do so, out comes Aubrey Edwards. She stares down Jade Cargill, then takes off her referee shirt, revealing a red tank top. Hard Camera shows a bunch of dudes reaching into their pants.
Jade Cargill vs. Aubrey Edwards:
Aubrey starts off by doing a rendition of Swan Lake, it somehow being a series of offensive moves that keeps Jade off balance. Jade counters with a forearm that misses by a foot. Aubrey sells anyway. Jade goes for a press slam, but because her muscles are all for show and because Aubrey isn't a wrestler, she can't lift her opponent off the ground. She then bicycle kicks Aubrey in the stomach, but Aubrey no sells it. She starts to Hulk up and throws the shittiest looking forearms this side of someone going soft on Suzuki. Cargill sells each one like a gunshot. Red Velvet is back up and attempts to distract the referee. But she falls off the apron and lands headfirst on the floor again. Kiera Hogan runs in and hits a clothesline, the first wrestling move that actually looks like it is supposed to all match. Cargill goes to put Aubrey away, but she trips over her own feet. Aubrey lands on top of her. Bryce goes for the count, Jade forgets to kick out. This time he actually does count to 3, and it seems a bit fast. Aubrey Edwards is now the Hos Champion. The first person to celebrate the win is Bryce Remsberg.
House of Black vs. Death Triangle:
Mastercard Black comes out with Buddy "I share my bed with a star" Matthews and Brody "The Dungeon of Doom ripped us off" King. Then out comes the Death Triangle, Penta Obscura, Fenix fresh off his Dream match win over Dante Martin, but no PAC? It seems that once again, PAC is having VISA issues. No, it's not that he can't get into the country, but his debit card declined when he tried to get a Rental Car. He is replaced by Brian Pillman, Jr. It's a decent match. At one point, Julia Hart comes out and acts like she's going to join the House of Black, but doesn't. Too bad there isn't a spooky female wrestler that has an interesting look that feels like she would actually belong in this Wish.com Army of Darkness. Masquerade Black wins with his big karate kick on Pillman. Will Julia ever join the House of Black? Tune in 5 months from now to find out! Seriously, why not Abbadon?
Young Bucks vs. Hardy Boys
God Damn, I don't want to talk about this match. It's a "Dream Match," but after Dante Martin vs. Fenix Jr., those two words have lost all meaning. The Young Bucks are hacks that somehow got over by making kissy faces at a guy who is somehow the authority on wrestling, despite being unable to put together a coherent sentence. They are a couple of Edgelords who can only have one kind of match. They had the luxury of never having to work with the likes of The Dudleys, the Acolytes, the Steiners, The Road Warriors, or the Nasty Boys. Because they'd have to sell, or they'd be forced to sell because the other guys would beat the dog shit out of them. They got to impersonate DX during a segment of WWECW, before getting beaten up by Miz and Morrison. After that evening, they forgot to stop impersonating DX. Wait, this post has been hacked by Jim Cornette.
The Hardy Boys got over by jumping off of high places and being backyard trampoline cowboys before that became fashionable. They also paid their dues, getting ripped off by the Italian Stallion for hotdog money while doing jobs on WWF television in the Mid '90s. The whole being trampoline cowboy thing has taken its toll, as both are fucked up and barely mobile. It reminds me of that time I saw Tommy Rich wrestle, like 15 years ago. It was the saddest thing I had ever seen. Dwarfed only a few months later when Jake Roberts tried to wrestle, likely high off his ass.
Anyway, they do everything, nothing registers, and it kills the crowd deader than announcing a big debut a mystery opponent, only for it to be Maki Itoh. The worst part about Young Buck matches is that I can't really make fun of them. You mock one, you can make the same joke about all of them. Anyway, The Bucks win, because of course they do. Also because they lost to FTR, so that means they don't have to lose again until 2025. They use the Hardy's own finishers on them, because of course they do. Thank God this shit is over with.
Jericho Appreciation Society vs. Eddie Kingston, Santana, Ortiz, and Blackpool Combat Club
Jericho's team comes out first, Jericho doing his full Wizard routine, but with a white robe and an oversized white wizard hat that slips over his face. Luckily, he cut eyeholes out of the wizard hat. The fans cheer Jericho's new look. Garcia is the future of this business, because everyone tells me he is. Damn, this dude has zero look and no personality. The other two guys I can't pick out of a lineup. I'll just call them Not LAX 1 and Not LAX 2. Finally, out comes Jake Hager. He looks like the Rock compared to the previous three goofs. BCC comes out next, with William Regal. Then comes Kingston, Santana, and Ortiz. It was a sloppy brawl, and apart from them amputating Daniel Bryan's leg when he got stuck in the ramp again somehow, it wasn't a bad match. The outcome... doesn't matter. It is going to lead to Football Field Fuckery 3D anyway, so this match is kind of pointless.
Darby Allin vs. Kyle O'Reilly:
One of these guys is a dipshit who abuses homeless people and really likes Turtles. The other one looks like Jason Mraz. It's a bit of a style clash, where one of them is Jeff Hardy back when he could actually move, while the other is a "Good at Wrestling" Striker guy. I'm sure it is a "good match," but I can't get over the fact that this match has next to no build and features two guys who, personality wise, makes Cesaro look like Ric Flair. I guess Darby wins, because he is one of the "4 Pillars," but if they truly were, that building would have collapsed a long time ago.
Mixed Tag Match:
Frankie Kazarian comes in first. Then comes Tay and Sammy, who do so in the Tombstone Position, doing a reverse version of Rick Rude and Francine, when Rude's ECW gimmick was sexual assault. Oh yeah, don't forget to respect their privacy. Also, Sammy is the one upside down and Tay is carrying him. Then comes Men of the Year and PVZ, along with Dan Lambert. It's a surprisingly good match, because most of the work is being done by Frankie. Sammy and Tay spend the whole contest under the ring, so you can respect their privacy. The match ends with Paige tapping Frankie with an arm bar. The fans don't hear the taps over the sound of macaroni being mixed up. Team Lambert celebrate their win, as from under the ring rolls Kazarian's partners. Tay's hair is in a mess, and Sammy has his tongue out, but that's normal. The smell of sex is doing battle with the natural musk of neckbeards who don't shower, but Respect their Fucking Privacy!
Meanwhile, Game 7 is Tied going into the Fourth Quarter.
Tag Team Triple Threat Match for the Titles:
You have to hand it to "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, the "Forbidden Door" "The Savior of Wrestling." This Triple threat tag Match is a unique and has never been seen before at an AEW PPV. Initially, the Combination of Keith Lee and Swerve Strickland Make their grand entrance into the auditorium, Receiving Accolades to the mostly Caucasian Male Audience Members. Next comes out Starks and Hobbs, getting boo'd but showing more personality than anyone else who has wrestled this far. Seriously, Why is Ricky Starks in this match and not holding a real title with a different woman next to him every week? Finally, out comes Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus.
As the athletic contest progresses, everyone performs an aerial attack to the lower confines of the auditorium concrete, begging with Keith Lee. Luchasaurus peforms a Double Chokeslam on Starks and Strickland, botching the move and injuring both opponents. Keith Lee is unable to maintain his stamina one revolution of the minute hand around the clock, eventually succumbing to a Cardiac Event. Hobbs submits to the Snare Trap, because Jungle Boy is one of the "Four Pillars," and the other Four are unrelatable.
MJF vs Wardlow:
The most highly anticipated match of the night begins. Wardlow comes out first, with 5 dozen security guards. MJF comes out second, to the hatred of the entire AEW crowd. The match begins with Wardlow murdering all of the security guards. Also, the build to this match was incredibly unique, something we have never seen before. Let's hand it to "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, "the Forbidden Door" "The Savior of Wrestling."
Wardlow finally gets his hands on MJF, and beats and batters him from pillar to post. The referee, TBS Champion Aubrey Edwards, sells everything like death. Wardlow turns to Aubrey, asking her what the hell she's doing. A stage light hits the TBS Title, which Aubrey insisted on wearing, momentarily blinding Wardlow. MJF Ball shots Wardlow, allowing him to get some heat on Wardlow. The match continues to the finish, where Wardlow wins after powerbombing MJF through the ring. This wasn't a planned spot, the AEW road crew are just shitty at their jobs. MJF is never seen again until 2024, when he makes his debut at an NXT Takeover. The AEW fans turn on him for betraying them, despite him being very vocal about his displeasure with AEW in general, and "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, "the Forbidden Door" "the Savior of Wrestling" especially. Officials Fix the ring.
Meanwhile, Game 7 has entered into Overtime.
Women's Owen Hart Tournament Finals:
Ruby Soho comes out first, the fans booing her. Because she isn't Statlander, despite being a more capable hand in the ring. Then comes Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, with her manager, debuting a new gimmick. She will now be known as 'Not Rebel, Not Reba, Not Rebecca, Not Rhonda, Not Rose, but Rolanda." She gets a massive fireworks display usually reserved for Cody, but he isn't using it for some reason. The rest of the Women's Division, including Serena and Rosa, lay down at her feet so she doesn't have to physically step on the ramp. Excaliber, Tony, and JR take turns talking about how great Dr. Britt Baker, DMD is. Martha Hart and her children are shown holding open the ropes for Dr. Britt Baker, DMD.
Ruby does her best, but she isn't the ring general that everyone thinks she is. Britt is overrated, but every botch is covered for by the announcers. Dr. Britt Baker, DMD wins, because she is the most important Women's Wrestler according to AEW. The entire female roster, including Ruby, Thunder Rosa, and Serena Deeb take turns kissing her feet. She is handed the Owen Hart Women's Title, which looks flashier and more expensive than the TBS title and the Women's Title put together.
Men's Owen Hart Tournament Finals:
(Trigger Warning: Owen Reference. As such, I hid it behind NSFW tags. I should probably do it for a later joke, but I won't.)
Before the match begins, Martha Hart and her kids are shown in the front row. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) comes out first, with absolutely no muscular definition, and would be 5'2", but his giant forehead makes him look like he's 7 foot tall. He does his great entrance, which the crowd pops for. Samoa Joe is next. He lowers from the rafters, wearing a blue mask, blue tights, and a blue rhinestone cape. It is his way of honoring the late great Owen Hart. About halfway down, the cable snaps under Joe's weight. He falls 50 feet into the ring, breaking his back. The crowd is horrified, and Martha Hart is shown visibly angry. TBS Champion Aubrey Edwards throws up the X, but is overruled.
The show must go on, though. As Adam Cole goes 30 minutes with the barely alive carcass of Samoa Joe, because horrific injury or not, Cole still has to get his shit in. The ending comes when Lethal, Dutt, and the Giant run in to beat up Joe in front of the referee, because they have to get their shit in. TBS Champion Aubrey Edwards doesn't call for a DQ. Cole hits the knee for the 1-2-3. Lethal, Dutt, and the Giant drag Joe out of the ring and to the back. Adam Cole is handed the Owen Hart Men's Title, which is just the face of Owen losely pasted onto a cardboard "belt.".
Out comes Tony Schiavone, who announces the arrival of the Women's Owen Hart Tournament Champion, Dr. Britt Baker DMD. Britt and Adam raise each other's hand and they do the first dance, like a High School Prom. In reality, this is the first time they have made physical contact with each other in months, as Cole has been too busy playing his Switch, and Dr. Britt Baker, DMD's time has been divided between being a Dentist (if only there was a clue about this) and hanging out with her new friend Joe
Meanwhile, Game 7 has just enterred its 4th Overtime.
Thunder Rosa vs Serena Deeb:
Serena Deeb comes out first, looking ready to win the AEW Women's Title. Thunder Rosa comes out next. The camera cuts to the back, because Rosa has hit her limit of TV Time for the month. The only thing worse for your career than losing to Dr. Britt Baker, DMD is winning a match against Dr. Britt Baker, DMD.
Dr. Britt Baker, DMD is sitting in her locker room with Adam Cole (Bay Bay). There is a knock on the door. "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, "The Forbidden Door," "The Savior of Wrestling" appears, with a Steam Deck in hand. He hands the Steam Deck to Adam Cole (Bay Bay), who happily accepts it before leaving the room. Tony then tells her that he does all these things for her, making her the centerpiece of AEW's anemic Women's Division, burying Big Swole, Killing off Thunder Rosa's heat (twice), even pushing that good for nothing boyfriend of hers Adam Cole (Bay Bay). Now, he expects her to do something for him, and bringing a dog just isn't going to cut it. He makes a very aggressive move towards Dr. Britt Baker, DMD. He puts his hand on her inner thigh as you do, moving towards her panties. Wait, this post has been hacked again (this time by Sean Rose Sapp). Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, looking thoroughly uncomfortable, says "how about a handjob?" He agrees to it.
At this point, the bell rings, and it is revealed that Thunder Rosa has retained the Women's Title. She is then beaten up by Tay Conti, who is her next challenger.
Game 7 is still going on, so while they wait, It is announced that there will be a Samoa Joe Memorial Tournament, starting next week.
Out comes The entire Dark Order, except for Colt Cabana, under orders of CM Punk, who bravely stands up for other wrestlers, except for the ones he doesn't. Mrs Huber and -1 joins them, each with a dog on the leash. The members of the Dark Order start disrobing and performing sexual acts on one another. 10 pisses on Anna Jay. Mrs. Huber takes a shit on Evil Uno. Alex Reynolds fists Stu Grayson, who is giving Evil Uno a reach around. The dogs start humping each other. -1 is avoided, because that is out of bounds even for this segment. Well, until Chasyn Rance (you think I forgot about him?) rolls a casket down the aisle. They open the casket, to reveal Brodie Lee's skeletal remains. They take turns doing lines of cocaine off of the corpse. They then kill the dogs and smear blood all over each other. It is then that Evil Uno takes the microphone and announces that the Dark Order has a new gimmick: The Aristocrats!
Game 7 finally ends.
CM Punk vs Adam Page for the AEW World Title:
Adam Page comes out first. He has had the shittiest title reign in AEW history, well second shittiest. He does his "Cowboy Shit" then enters the ring. CM Punk comes out next... "LIKE MUSSOLINI!" Hangman and Punk have an intense staredown as the formal introductions are done. The Bell rings...
And the PPV feed is immediately cut. They have gone too far over time. This will be the last AEW PPV parody I do. It isn't fun anymore.
Remember when Neese was considered the "Hottest Free Agent in Wrestling?" Dude has a physique and a solid look, making him the only person in this match that can say this. Danhausen takes off his shirt, making everyone wonder "Why?" At one point, Danhausen does the Tequila dance on the apron, where he gets assistance from referee Aubrey Edwards, who is dancing with him. Hook just looks on, mean mugging, or is he constipated? I can't ever tell. The ending comes when Hook puts Sterling in Redrum. Neese tries to make the save, only to have Danhausen pour teeth into his mouth. Why? Fuck if I know. HookHausen wins.
Jade Cargill vs. Anna Jay:
Jade comes out First with her Baddies, Kiera Hogan and Red Velvet. Velvet somehow slips off the ramp and spikes herself on the floor. By the way, she's somehow the face of AEW, as far as the advertisers know. Anna Jay is supposed to come out next, but she doesn't. They claim it was a Injury on the air. Causing Anna Jay to tweet out "Wait, I still work there?" There is a conversation over who is supposed to be her replacement. Jade demands to be declared the winner by forfeit. Just before referee Bryce Remsberg can do so, out comes Aubrey Edwards. She stares down Jade Cargill, then takes off her referee shirt, revealing a red tank top. Hard Camera shows a bunch of dudes reaching into their pants.
Jade Cargill vs. Aubrey Edwards:
Aubrey starts off by doing a rendition of Swan Lake, it somehow being a series of offensive moves that keeps Jade off balance. Jade counters with a forearm that misses by a foot. Aubrey sells anyway. Jade goes for a press slam, but because her muscles are all for show and because Aubrey isn't a wrestler, she can't lift her opponent off the ground. She then bicycle kicks Aubrey in the stomach, but Aubrey no sells it. She starts to Hulk up and throws the shittiest looking forearms this side of someone going soft on Suzuki. Cargill sells each one like a gunshot. Red Velvet is back up and attempts to distract the referee. But she falls off the apron and lands headfirst on the floor again. Kiera Hogan runs in and hits a clothesline, the first wrestling move that actually looks like it is supposed to all match. Cargill goes to put Aubrey away, but she trips over her own feet. Aubrey lands on top of her. Bryce goes for the count, Jade forgets to kick out. This time he actually does count to 3, and it seems a bit fast. Aubrey Edwards is now the Hos Champion. The first person to celebrate the win is Bryce Remsberg.
House of Black vs. Death Triangle:
Mastercard Black comes out with Buddy "I share my bed with a star" Matthews and Brody "The Dungeon of Doom ripped us off" King. Then out comes the Death Triangle, Penta Obscura, Fenix fresh off his Dream match win over Dante Martin, but no PAC? It seems that once again, PAC is having VISA issues. No, it's not that he can't get into the country, but his debit card declined when he tried to get a Rental Car. He is replaced by Brian Pillman, Jr. It's a decent match. At one point, Julia Hart comes out and acts like she's going to join the House of Black, but doesn't. Too bad there isn't a spooky female wrestler that has an interesting look that feels like she would actually belong in this Wish.com Army of Darkness. Masquerade Black wins with his big karate kick on Pillman. Will Julia ever join the House of Black? Tune in 5 months from now to find out! Seriously, why not Abbadon?
Young Bucks vs. Hardy Boys
God Damn, I don't want to talk about this match. It's a "Dream Match," but after Dante Martin vs. Fenix Jr., those two words have lost all meaning. The Young Bucks are hacks that somehow got over by making kissy faces at a guy who is somehow the authority on wrestling, despite being unable to put together a coherent sentence. They are a couple of Edgelords who can only have one kind of match. They had the luxury of never having to work with the likes of The Dudleys, the Acolytes, the Steiners, The Road Warriors, or the Nasty Boys. Because they'd have to sell, or they'd be forced to sell because the other guys would beat the dog shit out of them. They got to impersonate DX during a segment of WWECW, before getting beaten up by Miz and Morrison. After that evening, they forgot to stop impersonating DX. Wait, this post has been hacked by Jim Cornette.
The Hardy Boys got over by jumping off of high places and being backyard trampoline cowboys before that became fashionable. They also paid their dues, getting ripped off by the Italian Stallion for hotdog money while doing jobs on WWF television in the Mid '90s. The whole being trampoline cowboy thing has taken its toll, as both are fucked up and barely mobile. It reminds me of that time I saw Tommy Rich wrestle, like 15 years ago. It was the saddest thing I had ever seen. Dwarfed only a few months later when Jake Roberts tried to wrestle, likely high off his ass.
Anyway, they do everything, nothing registers, and it kills the crowd deader than announcing a big debut a mystery opponent, only for it to be Maki Itoh. The worst part about Young Buck matches is that I can't really make fun of them. You mock one, you can make the same joke about all of them. Anyway, The Bucks win, because of course they do. Also because they lost to FTR, so that means they don't have to lose again until 2025. They use the Hardy's own finishers on them, because of course they do. Thank God this shit is over with.
Jericho Appreciation Society vs. Eddie Kingston, Santana, Ortiz, and Blackpool Combat Club
Jericho's team comes out first, Jericho doing his full Wizard routine, but with a white robe and an oversized white wizard hat that slips over his face. Luckily, he cut eyeholes out of the wizard hat. The fans cheer Jericho's new look. Garcia is the future of this business, because everyone tells me he is. Damn, this dude has zero look and no personality. The other two guys I can't pick out of a lineup. I'll just call them Not LAX 1 and Not LAX 2. Finally, out comes Jake Hager. He looks like the Rock compared to the previous three goofs. BCC comes out next, with William Regal. Then comes Kingston, Santana, and Ortiz. It was a sloppy brawl, and apart from them amputating Daniel Bryan's leg when he got stuck in the ramp again somehow, it wasn't a bad match. The outcome... doesn't matter. It is going to lead to Football Field Fuckery 3D anyway, so this match is kind of pointless.
Darby Allin vs. Kyle O'Reilly:
One of these guys is a dipshit who abuses homeless people and really likes Turtles. The other one looks like Jason Mraz. It's a bit of a style clash, where one of them is Jeff Hardy back when he could actually move, while the other is a "Good at Wrestling" Striker guy. I'm sure it is a "good match," but I can't get over the fact that this match has next to no build and features two guys who, personality wise, makes Cesaro look like Ric Flair. I guess Darby wins, because he is one of the "4 Pillars," but if they truly were, that building would have collapsed a long time ago.
Mixed Tag Match:
Frankie Kazarian comes in first. Then comes Tay and Sammy, who do so in the Tombstone Position, doing a reverse version of Rick Rude and Francine, when Rude's ECW gimmick was sexual assault. Oh yeah, don't forget to respect their privacy. Also, Sammy is the one upside down and Tay is carrying him. Then comes Men of the Year and PVZ, along with Dan Lambert. It's a surprisingly good match, because most of the work is being done by Frankie. Sammy and Tay spend the whole contest under the ring, so you can respect their privacy. The match ends with Paige tapping Frankie with an arm bar. The fans don't hear the taps over the sound of macaroni being mixed up. Team Lambert celebrate their win, as from under the ring rolls Kazarian's partners. Tay's hair is in a mess, and Sammy has his tongue out, but that's normal. The smell of sex is doing battle with the natural musk of neckbeards who don't shower, but Respect their Fucking Privacy!
Meanwhile, Game 7 is Tied going into the Fourth Quarter.
Tag Team Triple Threat Match for the Titles:
You have to hand it to "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, the "Forbidden Door" "The Savior of Wrestling." This Triple threat tag Match is a unique and has never been seen before at an AEW PPV. Initially, the Combination of Keith Lee and Swerve Strickland Make their grand entrance into the auditorium, Receiving Accolades to the mostly Caucasian Male Audience Members. Next comes out Starks and Hobbs, getting boo'd but showing more personality than anyone else who has wrestled this far. Seriously, Why is Ricky Starks in this match and not holding a real title with a different woman next to him every week? Finally, out comes Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus.
As the athletic contest progresses, everyone performs an aerial attack to the lower confines of the auditorium concrete, begging with Keith Lee. Luchasaurus peforms a Double Chokeslam on Starks and Strickland, botching the move and injuring both opponents. Keith Lee is unable to maintain his stamina one revolution of the minute hand around the clock, eventually succumbing to a Cardiac Event. Hobbs submits to the Snare Trap, because Jungle Boy is one of the "Four Pillars," and the other Four are unrelatable.
MJF vs Wardlow:
The most highly anticipated match of the night begins. Wardlow comes out first, with 5 dozen security guards. MJF comes out second, to the hatred of the entire AEW crowd. The match begins with Wardlow murdering all of the security guards. Also, the build to this match was incredibly unique, something we have never seen before. Let's hand it to "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, "the Forbidden Door" "The Savior of Wrestling."
Wardlow finally gets his hands on MJF, and beats and batters him from pillar to post. The referee, TBS Champion Aubrey Edwards, sells everything like death. Wardlow turns to Aubrey, asking her what the hell she's doing. A stage light hits the TBS Title, which Aubrey insisted on wearing, momentarily blinding Wardlow. MJF Ball shots Wardlow, allowing him to get some heat on Wardlow. The match continues to the finish, where Wardlow wins after powerbombing MJF through the ring. This wasn't a planned spot, the AEW road crew are just shitty at their jobs. MJF is never seen again until 2024, when he makes his debut at an NXT Takeover. The AEW fans turn on him for betraying them, despite him being very vocal about his displeasure with AEW in general, and "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, "the Forbidden Door" "the Savior of Wrestling" especially. Officials Fix the ring.
Meanwhile, Game 7 has entered into Overtime.
Women's Owen Hart Tournament Finals:
Ruby Soho comes out first, the fans booing her. Because she isn't Statlander, despite being a more capable hand in the ring. Then comes Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, with her manager, debuting a new gimmick. She will now be known as 'Not Rebel, Not Reba, Not Rebecca, Not Rhonda, Not Rose, but Rolanda." She gets a massive fireworks display usually reserved for Cody, but he isn't using it for some reason. The rest of the Women's Division, including Serena and Rosa, lay down at her feet so she doesn't have to physically step on the ramp. Excaliber, Tony, and JR take turns talking about how great Dr. Britt Baker, DMD is. Martha Hart and her children are shown holding open the ropes for Dr. Britt Baker, DMD.
Ruby does her best, but she isn't the ring general that everyone thinks she is. Britt is overrated, but every botch is covered for by the announcers. Dr. Britt Baker, DMD wins, because she is the most important Women's Wrestler according to AEW. The entire female roster, including Ruby, Thunder Rosa, and Serena Deeb take turns kissing her feet. She is handed the Owen Hart Women's Title, which looks flashier and more expensive than the TBS title and the Women's Title put together.
Men's Owen Hart Tournament Finals:
(Trigger Warning: Owen Reference. As such, I hid it behind NSFW tags. I should probably do it for a later joke, but I won't.)
Before the match begins, Martha Hart and her kids are shown in the front row. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) comes out first, with absolutely no muscular definition, and would be 5'2", but his giant forehead makes him look like he's 7 foot tall. He does his great entrance, which the crowd pops for. Samoa Joe is next. He lowers from the rafters, wearing a blue mask, blue tights, and a blue rhinestone cape. It is his way of honoring the late great Owen Hart. About halfway down, the cable snaps under Joe's weight. He falls 50 feet into the ring, breaking his back. The crowd is horrified, and Martha Hart is shown visibly angry. TBS Champion Aubrey Edwards throws up the X, but is overruled.
The show must go on, though. As Adam Cole goes 30 minutes with the barely alive carcass of Samoa Joe, because horrific injury or not, Cole still has to get his shit in. The ending comes when Lethal, Dutt, and the Giant run in to beat up Joe in front of the referee, because they have to get their shit in. TBS Champion Aubrey Edwards doesn't call for a DQ. Cole hits the knee for the 1-2-3. Lethal, Dutt, and the Giant drag Joe out of the ring and to the back. Adam Cole is handed the Owen Hart Men's Title, which is just the face of Owen losely pasted onto a cardboard "belt.".
Out comes Tony Schiavone, who announces the arrival of the Women's Owen Hart Tournament Champion, Dr. Britt Baker DMD. Britt and Adam raise each other's hand and they do the first dance, like a High School Prom. In reality, this is the first time they have made physical contact with each other in months, as Cole has been too busy playing his Switch, and Dr. Britt Baker, DMD's time has been divided between being a Dentist (if only there was a clue about this) and hanging out with her new friend Joe
Meanwhile, Game 7 has just enterred its 4th Overtime.
Thunder Rosa vs Serena Deeb:
Serena Deeb comes out first, looking ready to win the AEW Women's Title. Thunder Rosa comes out next. The camera cuts to the back, because Rosa has hit her limit of TV Time for the month. The only thing worse for your career than losing to Dr. Britt Baker, DMD is winning a match against Dr. Britt Baker, DMD.
Dr. Britt Baker, DMD is sitting in her locker room with Adam Cole (Bay Bay). There is a knock on the door. "Booker of the Year" "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, "The Forbidden Door," "The Savior of Wrestling" appears, with a Steam Deck in hand. He hands the Steam Deck to Adam Cole (Bay Bay), who happily accepts it before leaving the room. Tony then tells her that he does all these things for her, making her the centerpiece of AEW's anemic Women's Division, burying Big Swole, Killing off Thunder Rosa's heat (twice), even pushing that good for nothing boyfriend of hers Adam Cole (Bay Bay). Now, he expects her to do something for him, and bringing a dog just isn't going to cut it. He makes a very aggressive move towards Dr. Britt Baker, DMD. He puts his hand on her inner thigh as you do, moving towards her panties. Wait, this post has been hacked again (this time by Sean Rose Sapp). Dr. Britt Baker, DMD, looking thoroughly uncomfortable, says "how about a handjob?" He agrees to it.
At this point, the bell rings, and it is revealed that Thunder Rosa has retained the Women's Title. She is then beaten up by Tay Conti, who is her next challenger.
Game 7 is still going on, so while they wait, It is announced that there will be a Samoa Joe Memorial Tournament, starting next week.
Out comes The entire Dark Order, except for Colt Cabana, under orders of CM Punk, who bravely stands up for other wrestlers, except for the ones he doesn't. Mrs Huber and -1 joins them, each with a dog on the leash. The members of the Dark Order start disrobing and performing sexual acts on one another. 10 pisses on Anna Jay. Mrs. Huber takes a shit on Evil Uno. Alex Reynolds fists Stu Grayson, who is giving Evil Uno a reach around. The dogs start humping each other. -1 is avoided, because that is out of bounds even for this segment. Well, until Chasyn Rance (you think I forgot about him?) rolls a casket down the aisle. They open the casket, to reveal Brodie Lee's skeletal remains. They take turns doing lines of cocaine off of the corpse. They then kill the dogs and smear blood all over each other. It is then that Evil Uno takes the microphone and announces that the Dark Order has a new gimmick: The Aristocrats!
Game 7 finally ends.
CM Punk vs Adam Page for the AEW World Title:
Adam Page comes out first. He has had the shittiest title reign in AEW history, well second shittiest. He does his "Cowboy Shit" then enters the ring. CM Punk comes out next... "LIKE MUSSOLINI!" Hangman and Punk have an intense staredown as the formal introductions are done. The Bell rings...
And the PPV feed is immediately cut. They have gone too far over time. This will be the last AEW PPV parody I do. It isn't fun anymore.