Mr. Nerfect
09-02-2022, 08:51 PM
It’s quite the mess to clean up, isn’t it? I’d have booked an entirely different card, but here’s my best shot at damage control:
Pre-Show:
* Sammy Guevara is on commentary. Tomohiro Ishii defeats Eddie Kingston in a slugfest after Tay Conti distracts Kingston. You’ve got to keep that New Japan relationship strong, right? Kingston runs off Sammy after the match and takes his spot on commentary.
* Daniel Garcia promises not to get involved in Danielson vs. Jericho tonight.
* PAC defeats Kip Sabian to retain the AEW All-Atlantic Title. Schiavone interviews PAC after the match and he challenges whoever isn’t World Champion after tonight to step to him because he wants to be #2.
* A stipulation has been laid down that if Luchasaurus gets involved in Christian Cage vs. Jack Perry tonight, Luchasaurus will have to unmask.
* Hook beats whichever 2.0 member he’s against, because of course he does.
Real Show:
* The opener is six-man tag #1. Darby, Sting & Miro defeat The House of Tack. Black tries to Mist Miro, but Miro sees with faith in his God. He kicks Black and tags in Darby for the Coffin Drop. Buddy Matthews tries to attack Darby with an axe after the match, but Sting puts him in the Scorpion Deathlock. Miro puts Brody King in The Accolade. That’s the last we see of The House of Lack who go and work for The House of Slacks.
* From one six-man to another — FTR & Wardlow are interviewed about their match tonight. Daddy Dax says that they’re champions, but they don’t get handed any respect. Good. Because they want to earn respect. Tonight, The Pinnacle is going to prove why they sit at top with gold, whether they’re defending them or not. They’re defending their place, they’re defending their reps, they’re fighting for recognition in front of one of the toughest, smartest, hard to win over and best looking crowds in the world. If you’re still sleeping on FTR and Wardlow, wake up.
* Jade Cargill defeats Athena to retain the TBS Title. There’s a tiny feeling out process, but Athena can’t figure Jade out and never gets her down. A strong showcase for Jade who gets a spotlight put on her as the belt is strapped around her waist. It should be Aubrey Edwards who does it to remind her of who the star is. But Audrey would probably purposely fumble to get more time even close to the spotlight.
* Christian Cage appears to Powerhouse Hobbs backstage. You’ve got a problem with an ungrateful partner you carried, I’ve got a problem with an ungrateful partner I carried — let’s scratch each other’s backs. Hobbs tells Christian that he isn’t anyone’s side piece anymore. He isn’t here to solve anyone else’s problems. He’s taking out Starks tonight and then it’s on to the main event. Maybe he’ll see Christian there…maybe he won’t.
* Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the Casino Ladder Match. The rules are all very simple. Wrestlers were arbitrarily picked from a pool of talent not already booked on the card. They then took turns drawing straws in a round robin of chance to determine who would enter #1 and #2. Every 3.14 minutes, a new entrant will enter for some reason. The goal is to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase that contains a shoe-horn that can be used to wedge yourself into a title match at some undetermined point in the future.
* Claudio Castagnoli and Fenix start off the match. They do stuff. Andrade enters and wants to work with Fenix to take out Claudio. They do. Rush then enters and the heels go to work together and turn on Fenix. Andrade looks to climb and Rush pulls him off. They fight. Wheeler enters and almost wins the match. Claudio interrupts him. Penta enters and the Lucha Bros do stunts. The joker is Lance Archer. He goes on a tear and puts Penta through a ladder or a table or the concrete floor. Archer looks like he is about to win the match when JOKER #2 IS HERE!!!! Colt Cabana is also in the match and stops Archer from winning. He does some spots with him. Claudio comes in and takes out Archer. Cabana looks like he is about to win but Rush stops him. Everyone piles onto the ladders and Fenix does something stupid off them to Rush. Cabana is knocked off by Andrade. Yuta is knocked off by Andrade. Andrade is about to win when Dragon Lee interferes and takes him out. Claudio climbs back into the ring and is about to win the match when someone in a dark robe grabs his leg. It’s Jake Roberts. This buys Archer the time to get back into things and battle with Claudio on the top of the ladder. Archer knocks him off and wins the shoe-horn.
* Eddie Kingston is attacked by Sammy Guevara at commentary, because angle.
* Jay Lethal cuts a promo backstage about how he signed with AEW. He doesn’t want to be known as an ROH guy. He wants to be the TNT Champion in AEW, and everybody better stay out of his way because he’s about to take on the baddest and teach him he needs to get worse, and he’s about to take on the best and prove they’ve got to get better.
* Samoa Joe comes out to replace Kingston on commentary.
* Bryan Danielson vs. Chris Jericho is next. Who else can follow a Ladder Match like that? Jericho and Danielson wrestle like it’s NXT in 2010. Jericho wants THAT Bryan Danielson. They do some wrestling, Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho but it gets countered into the dreaded Small Package by Mr. Small Package for the win.
* Christian Cage approaches Ricky Starks backstage. He’s got a problem with an ungrateful tag team partner tonight, I’ve got a problem with an ungrateful tag team partner tonight — maybe we should scratch each other’s backs? Starks says he’s been a fan of Christian’s for a long time. He’s learnt a lot from him, and if there’s something Christian Cage can’t teach you about professional wrestling, you’re in the wrong business. But if you trust Christian Cage, you’re also in the wrong business. Jungle Boy is working out what business he’s in, and Starks has woken up to that himself. He’s going to be watching Christian very carefully to see if there’s anything more he can learn, but he ain’t paying for lessons.
* The Acclaimed are out to challenge for the Tag Team Titles. 10 men just went all out in a Ladder Match, then TK comes up to us and says “follow that.” Those fools just killed themselves for a World Title shot, we just gotta kill two other dudes, and one of them even Hit Row dropped. We’re in Chi-Town, and like deep dish with extra cheese, we’re coming for Keith Lee quicker than heart disease. We’ve got the Ass Man, two tears in a bucket, we’re blowing a hole in this show so wide, even his giant dicks of sons could fuck it. The Gunn Club do get involved, but Lee & Swerve don’t want to win that way. They run off the heels but The Acclaimed use the distraction to cheat and win the belts.
* Ricky Starks defeats Will Hobbs in what is hopefully a good match.
* FTR & Wardlow defeat Lethal & The Guns (not Club) when Wardlow pins Lethal to put some focus on that.
* Jack Perry defeats Christian Cage with a counter to The Unprettier. He shoves Cage into a turnbuckle Cage himself exposed. Christian goes for his sunset flip out of it, but Perry pulls his leg out and Christian hits it before getting rolled up. Perry has defeated the man who was in the main event last year! Christian attacks Perry after the match and he beckons to the back. Luchasaurus is coming out with 2 steel chairs! Damn it! It’s a set up by Christian! But wait! No! Luchasaurus isn’t giving him the chairs. He takes out Christian! The dinosaur is a hero! No! Wait! Luchasaurus hits Jungle Jack! By gawd! Chokeslam on the chair! That Luchasaurus is a no good piece of shit! I think…
* Britt Baker wins the Women’s Title after Jamie Hayter hits Toni Storm with her ass or something. Baker tossed Hayter out to steal the pin. Adam Cole jumps the rail and hugs his beautiful and talented wife. Baker looks into the camera and talks some shit about pinning her friend when Jade Cargill comes out. She’s got Shaq with her! They get in the ring and she puts her TBS Title down in the ring and motions for Britt to do the same. She and Cole slink off.
* They do an epic video package of all the six-man matches that certainly aren’t the same. It’s time to crown new champs! Omega & The Bucks win when Ken Omegs pins Page and he has a cry because it means so much to beat the guy who beat him. #longtermstorytelling
* In the MAIN EVENT! Punk defeats Mox to win the AEW Regional Title. Mox tries to beat Punk quick again. It doesn’t work. Mox gets violent. Punk bleeds. Punk fights back. Mox bleeds. GTS doesn’t get it either. Punk ends up hurting his foot again. Mox goes right after it. Punk takes his boot off, but it’s Punk’s eyepatch! He was faking! He clocks Mox with it. Mox stumbles into the GTS! 1-2-3! CM Punk becomes the second two-time champ in two weeks!
Pre-Show:
* Sammy Guevara is on commentary. Tomohiro Ishii defeats Eddie Kingston in a slugfest after Tay Conti distracts Kingston. You’ve got to keep that New Japan relationship strong, right? Kingston runs off Sammy after the match and takes his spot on commentary.
* Daniel Garcia promises not to get involved in Danielson vs. Jericho tonight.
* PAC defeats Kip Sabian to retain the AEW All-Atlantic Title. Schiavone interviews PAC after the match and he challenges whoever isn’t World Champion after tonight to step to him because he wants to be #2.
* A stipulation has been laid down that if Luchasaurus gets involved in Christian Cage vs. Jack Perry tonight, Luchasaurus will have to unmask.
* Hook beats whichever 2.0 member he’s against, because of course he does.
Real Show:
* The opener is six-man tag #1. Darby, Sting & Miro defeat The House of Tack. Black tries to Mist Miro, but Miro sees with faith in his God. He kicks Black and tags in Darby for the Coffin Drop. Buddy Matthews tries to attack Darby with an axe after the match, but Sting puts him in the Scorpion Deathlock. Miro puts Brody King in The Accolade. That’s the last we see of The House of Lack who go and work for The House of Slacks.
* From one six-man to another — FTR & Wardlow are interviewed about their match tonight. Daddy Dax says that they’re champions, but they don’t get handed any respect. Good. Because they want to earn respect. Tonight, The Pinnacle is going to prove why they sit at top with gold, whether they’re defending them or not. They’re defending their place, they’re defending their reps, they’re fighting for recognition in front of one of the toughest, smartest, hard to win over and best looking crowds in the world. If you’re still sleeping on FTR and Wardlow, wake up.
* Jade Cargill defeats Athena to retain the TBS Title. There’s a tiny feeling out process, but Athena can’t figure Jade out and never gets her down. A strong showcase for Jade who gets a spotlight put on her as the belt is strapped around her waist. It should be Aubrey Edwards who does it to remind her of who the star is. But Audrey would probably purposely fumble to get more time even close to the spotlight.
* Christian Cage appears to Powerhouse Hobbs backstage. You’ve got a problem with an ungrateful partner you carried, I’ve got a problem with an ungrateful partner I carried — let’s scratch each other’s backs. Hobbs tells Christian that he isn’t anyone’s side piece anymore. He isn’t here to solve anyone else’s problems. He’s taking out Starks tonight and then it’s on to the main event. Maybe he’ll see Christian there…maybe he won’t.
* Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the Casino Ladder Match. The rules are all very simple. Wrestlers were arbitrarily picked from a pool of talent not already booked on the card. They then took turns drawing straws in a round robin of chance to determine who would enter #1 and #2. Every 3.14 minutes, a new entrant will enter for some reason. The goal is to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase that contains a shoe-horn that can be used to wedge yourself into a title match at some undetermined point in the future.
* Claudio Castagnoli and Fenix start off the match. They do stuff. Andrade enters and wants to work with Fenix to take out Claudio. They do. Rush then enters and the heels go to work together and turn on Fenix. Andrade looks to climb and Rush pulls him off. They fight. Wheeler enters and almost wins the match. Claudio interrupts him. Penta enters and the Lucha Bros do stunts. The joker is Lance Archer. He goes on a tear and puts Penta through a ladder or a table or the concrete floor. Archer looks like he is about to win the match when JOKER #2 IS HERE!!!! Colt Cabana is also in the match and stops Archer from winning. He does some spots with him. Claudio comes in and takes out Archer. Cabana looks like he is about to win but Rush stops him. Everyone piles onto the ladders and Fenix does something stupid off them to Rush. Cabana is knocked off by Andrade. Yuta is knocked off by Andrade. Andrade is about to win when Dragon Lee interferes and takes him out. Claudio climbs back into the ring and is about to win the match when someone in a dark robe grabs his leg. It’s Jake Roberts. This buys Archer the time to get back into things and battle with Claudio on the top of the ladder. Archer knocks him off and wins the shoe-horn.
* Eddie Kingston is attacked by Sammy Guevara at commentary, because angle.
* Jay Lethal cuts a promo backstage about how he signed with AEW. He doesn’t want to be known as an ROH guy. He wants to be the TNT Champion in AEW, and everybody better stay out of his way because he’s about to take on the baddest and teach him he needs to get worse, and he’s about to take on the best and prove they’ve got to get better.
* Samoa Joe comes out to replace Kingston on commentary.
* Bryan Danielson vs. Chris Jericho is next. Who else can follow a Ladder Match like that? Jericho and Danielson wrestle like it’s NXT in 2010. Jericho wants THAT Bryan Danielson. They do some wrestling, Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho but it gets countered into the dreaded Small Package by Mr. Small Package for the win.
* Christian Cage approaches Ricky Starks backstage. He’s got a problem with an ungrateful tag team partner tonight, I’ve got a problem with an ungrateful tag team partner tonight — maybe we should scratch each other’s backs? Starks says he’s been a fan of Christian’s for a long time. He’s learnt a lot from him, and if there’s something Christian Cage can’t teach you about professional wrestling, you’re in the wrong business. But if you trust Christian Cage, you’re also in the wrong business. Jungle Boy is working out what business he’s in, and Starks has woken up to that himself. He’s going to be watching Christian very carefully to see if there’s anything more he can learn, but he ain’t paying for lessons.
* The Acclaimed are out to challenge for the Tag Team Titles. 10 men just went all out in a Ladder Match, then TK comes up to us and says “follow that.” Those fools just killed themselves for a World Title shot, we just gotta kill two other dudes, and one of them even Hit Row dropped. We’re in Chi-Town, and like deep dish with extra cheese, we’re coming for Keith Lee quicker than heart disease. We’ve got the Ass Man, two tears in a bucket, we’re blowing a hole in this show so wide, even his giant dicks of sons could fuck it. The Gunn Club do get involved, but Lee & Swerve don’t want to win that way. They run off the heels but The Acclaimed use the distraction to cheat and win the belts.
* Ricky Starks defeats Will Hobbs in what is hopefully a good match.
* FTR & Wardlow defeat Lethal & The Guns (not Club) when Wardlow pins Lethal to put some focus on that.
* Jack Perry defeats Christian Cage with a counter to The Unprettier. He shoves Cage into a turnbuckle Cage himself exposed. Christian goes for his sunset flip out of it, but Perry pulls his leg out and Christian hits it before getting rolled up. Perry has defeated the man who was in the main event last year! Christian attacks Perry after the match and he beckons to the back. Luchasaurus is coming out with 2 steel chairs! Damn it! It’s a set up by Christian! But wait! No! Luchasaurus isn’t giving him the chairs. He takes out Christian! The dinosaur is a hero! No! Wait! Luchasaurus hits Jungle Jack! By gawd! Chokeslam on the chair! That Luchasaurus is a no good piece of shit! I think…
* Britt Baker wins the Women’s Title after Jamie Hayter hits Toni Storm with her ass or something. Baker tossed Hayter out to steal the pin. Adam Cole jumps the rail and hugs his beautiful and talented wife. Baker looks into the camera and talks some shit about pinning her friend when Jade Cargill comes out. She’s got Shaq with her! They get in the ring and she puts her TBS Title down in the ring and motions for Britt to do the same. She and Cole slink off.
* They do an epic video package of all the six-man matches that certainly aren’t the same. It’s time to crown new champs! Omega & The Bucks win when Ken Omegs pins Page and he has a cry because it means so much to beat the guy who beat him. #longtermstorytelling
* In the MAIN EVENT! Punk defeats Mox to win the AEW Regional Title. Mox tries to beat Punk quick again. It doesn’t work. Mox gets violent. Punk bleeds. Punk fights back. Mox bleeds. GTS doesn’t get it either. Punk ends up hurting his foot again. Mox goes right after it. Punk takes his boot off, but it’s Punk’s eyepatch! He was faking! He clocks Mox with it. Mox stumbles into the GTS! 1-2-3! CM Punk becomes the second two-time champ in two weeks!