T-storm Raw (imaginary spoilers)

[tucsonspeed6]

Ok, so I get home last night and the power's out. Here in the St. Louis area we've had many storms over the weekend, and apparently the one Monday morning was the nastiest one of them all. Long story short, the power was out for well over 12 hours, so coincidentally I didn't get to watch Raw. So I'm sure many of you have seen the "official" Raw. (speaking of which, Loosecannon, did you see how freakin' awesome Raw was? Orton made the show!.....KaneKnight, I don't have to tell you what a suckfest Raw was last night. Stinkaroo!) Anyway, so there I am, sitting in my room as the sun is setting in the sky. Another storm is rolling in to the west, and it's 8:00. "Time for RAW" I think to myself, but alas...the tv doesn't turn on. So I sit there in my room and watch it anyway. So here's the recap of what happened on Raw from my house.

I flip on the tv with five minutes to spare. Star Trek is just wrapping up. "Number One! Engage" Patrick Stewart yells.....followed by a very noisy fart. Captain Picard smiles with satisfaction. Captain Kirt jumps off of the elevator thing and yells "Hey! where'd all the Tribbles go!?!" Data jumps to his feet and tackles Kirk, twisting his head off with a quick gesture, and the dude with the funky visor throws up his hands and says "That's my momma!!!" and the live studio audience laughs as the screen freezes and the credits roll.

Then they show a promo for Raw. It's coming live from Nashville Tennesee (the only place the broadcast from in the USA anymore...) JR yells over the noisy crowd. "Tonight! Eugene is the GM of Raw!" and King yells, "I'm gay!"
Comercials....they've started showing comercials for Tetris. Not normal tetris, but Ultra Tetris, where mario stuffs Luigi down the toilet and Luigi drowns and the cops arrest Mario and throw him in the King Kupa Castle where dinosaurs ass rape him. (I reassure myself that I'll be seeing this comercial plenty throughout the night.)

The show begins with plenty of pyros. One stray bottle rocket fires into the crowd and explodes near a baby. THe baby no sells it, acting like his favorite wrestler, Goldberg.

Jr: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Raw!"
King: "I pretend to like women, but now I'm going to act like I'm gay because I don't want anyone thinking I was at that stripclub where the stripper got killed by a drunken wrestler last night!"
Jr: "Ok, King. :roll: Hey look! Lita's in the Ring!"
King: "OOH Pup......I mean....I love her shoes!"

Lita stands in the ring.
Lita: "I'm going to......have a baby!" (the pause is purposeful, to show her bad acting.)
The crowd boos the ho. A "This promo sucks" chant starts immediately.
Suddenly Kanes pyros and music hit. But instead of Kane, Christian comes out wearing a bald cap.
X-tian: "I'm Kane!"
Lita: Christian, I don't have time---
X-tian: "I'm not christian! I happen to be non-denominational! And I'm KANE!!! Do me Lita!"

The camera turns to King and JR. JR looks intently at the scene before him. King shakes his head sadly at this crap."

Kane's pyro hits again and Kane comes out, towering over Christian.

Xtian: I'm KANE!!!
Kane: I'm KANE!!!!
Lita: I'm PREGNANT!

Matt Hardy pokes his head out from under the ring apron. He's holding a mic.

Matt: "TWO Kanes?!?! Now I've only got a 1 in 3 chance of that baby being mine!!!"

JR: This is amazing folks. It appears as though Kane has the ability to clone himself!

King: I'm f$&king out of here.
King throws his headphones down and leaves.

Eugene's music hits and Eugene comes out with a mic. He's holding it upside down. As he talks, he realizes that the mic is upside down, so he continues with what he has to say while doing a handstand.

Eugene: "Uncle Eric told me to make Matches! This is now a TAG MATCH!!!"
Kane and Christian look at each other and shrug. Lita and Matt do the same.

JR: Folks, this is amazing! Can matt and lita fight two kanes?!?! We're going to take a comercial break! We'll be back with more!

*Comercial break*

I'll continue with the rest of the Raw recap later.

[Corkscrewed]

LMAO! You need rep. I wish I could give some.

[Ferocious]

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[Loose Cannon]

lol, Actually Orton and Jericho did MAKE the show last night. That match was great. Also credit to HHH and Eugene. Great stuff there too

[tucsonspeed6]

To continue: ....

The match begins after the comercial break. Kane starts out with some quick punches to Matt, leading to a sidewalk slam. Matt eventually fights back with some quick offense that leads to a side effect. The two are down on the matt. Both struggle to their respective corners. Kane tags Christian in, and christian runs across the ring to attack Matt, but it's too late! Matt tags in Lita....

This is the point where I strangely become stricken with a need to drain the lizard. I jump up to run to the bathroom. SMACK! I plaster the door with my face....damn. It's starting to get dark, especially with that storm moving in. I open the door and run to the bathroom. "SHIT!" with the power out, the water pump isn't working. That means the toilet isn't working. Thank god for the country. I take off for outside and take a leak knowing that nobody can see me with cornfields surrounding my back yard. Lightning fills the sky, so I quickly finish and return to my room to finish watching the match. When I get back, Lita's laying on a stretcher. Either this is an angle to show that Kane beat her up despite her being pregnant, or she botched a move. At this point I'm guessing the latter. Matt tries to play it off, but I ain't buying it. Kane and Christian return backstage to celebrate, and matt returns to his "dressing room" underneath the ring.

JR: "Wow, folks, what an amazing match!..."
Me: "Psh!"
JR: Coming up next, it's the Hurricane vs. Batista in a squash match!..er...I mean, there's a chance that the Hurricane could win this one! It's next!

Commercial break.

When we return, a segment is playing with the Coach doing the 250,000 dinar (er....dollar :shifty: ) diva challenge. This week he's checking out the babes of Eastern Europe. Needless to say, this segment is filled with unnecessary body hair and an uncanny lack of deoderant. Coach looks disgusted several times and only lets one girl go to New York (because he can't leave until he picks one.)

JR: King would say those are some "hot puppies."
Al Snow walks up and takes King's seat.
Snow: "Hey, they told me to commentate....so here I am."
JR: Do you talk about puppies?
Snow: No. I can't give you any puppies talk, but I can tell you about Head.
JR: I don't think I want you to give me Head talk, just like I doubt you'd like me to give you Head talk.
Snow: Well, now that you mention it, JR....... :naughty:

Batista's music hits, and Batista walks down to the ring. Hurricane is waiting for him. Batista enters the ring, powerbombs Hurricane, pins him, and leaves.

Next, a backstage segment is shown with Eugene in Eric's office. Eugene has a finger lodged a good distance up his nose. William Regal enters the room.

Regal: Eugene, my boy, we need to talk. You see, your uncle Eric told me that babysitting you would get me my job back as a wrestler.

Eugene gets a euphoric look on his face as he continues to dig.

Regal: ...and I know that you know how addicting wrestling is. It's your entire life, and it's my entire life too.

Eugene's face suddenly shows an expression of suprise.

Regal: ANd I didn't know what a charming young lad you were at the time....

Eugene rips his finger from his nose and looks delighted at it.

Eugene: I got it! I got it!
Regal: You've got what, lad?
Eugene: The boogie! I got it!

A trail of blood begins to run from Eugene's nose to his chin. At that precise moment, Benoit enters to appologise to Eugene. He's holding a large tickle-me-Elmo. Benoit sees Regal and Eugene, and notices the blood on Eugene's face. Eugene, seeing Benoit flinches in fear of the man who hit him with the steel chair.

Benoit (to Regal): YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!

Benoit drops the Elmo onto a chair and dashes across the room. The camera faces the Elmo in dramatic fashion as the sound of furniture smashing and Regal screaming in pain fill the background. The tickle-me-elmo begins to laugh and jiggle as the room becomes silent. Benoit's voice is heard as he mutters, "Oh my god....."

Fade to commercial.

[OssMan]

lolz. lolz. :cool: