Smackdown! Captions (Christmas Day 2003)

[c4g2]

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America salutes as Dark_Kane is shot down in flames.

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Vince is cutting a promo when he realises a magnet is attracting his wedding ring on his left hand.

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Vince had just bought the X'mas version of Ortonbot 2000, and was shocked when it broke down for the 53th time that day.

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Vince: Damnit! It's gonna rain!

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Austin decides to drink the poison after seeing the sign "I am a Mark Henry fan".

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Austin tries to get the troops' morale up by imitating the Statue of Liberty. Behold, the Drunk Statue of beer-drinking!!!

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Nasa's new rocket, Austinnator II prepares to blast off.

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Who says referees can't be Superman?

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The evil referee uses his finishing move, The Three Shining Orbs on Farooq.

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Bradshaw shields his eyes from the sun, not believing he saw Saddam's image in the sky.

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Austin tries to persuade Benoit to open his mouth so he could check his teeth. But Benoit, for pride's sake, does not do so, afraid that Austin would see his missing front teeth.

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Rhyno is shocked when his grandmother appears in front of him... half-naked just when he was about to poop.

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Poor Rhyno suffered from constipation as soon as he saw his grandmother, and being his grandmother, she tried to stretch his assh*le so that the poop will pass out more effectively.

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Finding no toilet paper in the toilet, Rhyno's grandmother had to (regrettably) use Rhyno's face as the paper.

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The left trooper laughed as Rhyno's grandmother realised Rhyno had slapped Rhyno Glue on his grannie's right hand.

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Grandmother: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all around...

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Vince stopped in mid-laugh as he realised he needed to poop.

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The governor of Carlifornia made a surprise visit to Smackdown! intending to plead for Vince McMahon to help fund Carlifornia or else he's fired.


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Everyone watched in shock as Shelton Benjamin morphed to a beanpole during the publicity conference for Royal Rumble.

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Cena is rapping when someone shouts ,"Hey! That's my bike padlock!"

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Farooq and Rikishi stare in shock as the host declares "Smile, you're on Candid Camera!"

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And now representing Canada in Mr Universe 2003, Chris Benoit!

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Benoit refuses to let Eddie Irish whip him until he has scratched his arm.

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The chopper was clearly going down with Team Lesnar as its payload.

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Eddie was flabbergasted when the referee morphed to Saddam Hussein before his very eyes...

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In this truly amazing moment, Eddie Guerrero suffers constipation and the match is called off to help Eddie poop before it restarts.
Referee:Come on! Push! Push!
Chris: *Grunt* Holy shit Eddie, why are your frigging stools so hard to get out?

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The vacuum cleaner called Chris Benoit claimed its latest victim, sucking him head first into his anus.

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The referee doesn't know how to tell Benoit and Guerrero that they have been bound together by *sigh* Rhyno glue.

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Vince finally found Sargeant Slaughter's replacement after this years- Sargeant Jobber.

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Farooq flashes a V-sign at the Candid Camera camera as they leave.

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Stone Cold laughs out loud when the black guy tells him he is Mark Henry's brother.

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Lady: Honey, why not we travel to Brazil? It'll only cost a few grand...
Boyfriend: Honey: Have you finished looking? It's getting tiring carrying you while you look.

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Benoit and Vince are grim while preparing to ride the Baghdad Amusement Park's new Attraction, the A-train.

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Girlfriend: Honey, what's that hard thing on the lower half of my back?
Boyfriend: Uh...

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Eddie bawls for his mommy when he realises he is out of ammo in the thick of battle.

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Announcer: Hey, what's happening? Why am I shrinking?

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Dawn tries to hear a low "Nipple slip, nipple slip" chant among the troops.

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The Santa Bird takes off, much to the disappointment to the troops.

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Dunno about this.

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Torrie realised that she had not teleported to Golden Beach after all.

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Show:Give... me ... my boxers!

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Cena was about to punch Show when he realised that his shorts had a tear. Damn the Big Show.

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Cena: Steve, I can't see!
Austin: Sure? You not faking?
*Cena waves his hand in front of his face*
Cena: Yeah! I can't see my hand!

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That's what you get for stealing Austin's beer. Be warned!

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Austin: And now as host of Mr Universe 2003, I present the winner of this big show...
Show: I won?

[KayfabeMan]

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Oh great,they're even bringing back the old RAW opening...

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The senile Vince McMahon signals for a left turn in mid-ring....

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How do you get to ALL of the houses in just one night??

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Stone Cold looked on in disgust as Vince realized he had lice...

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Bradshaw never could see too far without his glasses...

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McMahon once again laughs in the face of authority....

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Benoit knew he shouldn't have attempted a hurricanrana that
close to the ropes...

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Eddie: I love you man!!!
Benoit: But you're still not getting my Bud Light....

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The Sarge uses his fingers to tell us the number of matches
he actually enjoyed watching....

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Stone Cold & the troops laughed when someone said that
Faarooq was a great wrestler....

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After recruiting Benoit to help him,Vince suddenly felt stupid,
as he realized there were no other promotions to invade....

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WWE wastes even more money,by bringing in Justin Timberlake
to referee a Big Show match

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Big Show and Cena gave the crowd a nostalgic moment,as
Cena posed like Hogan,and The Big Show posed like Rock

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After watching his match,the WWE lockerroom decided that
Big Show should be voted off the island....

[Jeremy Christian]

Haven't done this in awhile. Enjoy.


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The US Military takes precautionary measures in case Evolution, Goldberg, or Undertaker decide to show up.

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Vince: "So I was just sitting on my back porch when Hannukkah Harry comes up to... hey, where are you all going?"

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Benoit: "UH........Oh."

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Vince's reaction when the man in uniform told him that the US Army had plenty of talent.

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Faarooq: "UH........Oh."
-or-
Rikishi: "You. There watching TV. Guess what? That's right, homo."

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After Nathan Jones left WWE, they had to keep wrestlers around somehow.

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Eddie remains toothless after finding out that the gun is not made of chocolate.

[moshingfreak]

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Saddam miraculously escaped emprisonment and tortured the amercian soldiers by making them solute to a picture of his penis.

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Vince: As you can see, I did not cheat on my SATs by writing the answers on my hand.

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Vince: My God, you ARE real

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Vince could smell Stone Colds armpits a mile away

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Steve just had to stop when he saw Moolah flash him.

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After Stone Cold Stunnered Saddam, the troops bowed down to their new leader.

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Steve started his new ad campaign for Veet For Men

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Who knew Bradshaw could carry someone throughout a match?

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Faarooq knew he had been set up by Vince for another lame as gay joke

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Bradshaws push was so close now that he could see it.

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Austin: You've held the WCW title before?

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Rikishi: Damn Hall, you have gotten short

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With Scott Hall lagging in height, he botched up the Outsiders Edge

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by now, Scott was used to getting crap from the WWE

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The Cadets and Scouts were honoured to give rikishi the badge for not wiping properly.

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Little did the phat man know, but the cadet was actually imitating and mocking his dance.

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Vinces reaction when the guy told him that Ultimo Dragon has all the talent in the world.

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Cena: No way, this way the real GI Joe?

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An extremely tanned Billy Gunn stood with Torrie as her body guard

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Cena was dressed for the occasion, but he thought he was coming to a '24' convention and wondered why he couldnt find Keifer

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The indians were in the wrong place at the wrong time

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The sniper had Chris Benoit directly in his sights.

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Ref: Simon says put your left leg out.

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Eddie couldnt find a lowrider in Iraq, so he had to make do with what they had

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Ref: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DID SAY SIMON SAYS!

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The ever maturing 4 year old was so happy to see Eddie jobbing to Chris

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"Look, Im Picasso"

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Chris didnt know that Eddie had lied, cheated, and stole his wallet

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Vince thought Ultimo was still a joke.

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"This is how many wins Rikishi will get next year"

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Someone told stone cold that Goldberg could beat him

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This was the only appearance that Shannon made on the trip

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Chris Benoit always wanted to be in the Misfits In Action

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Torrie had always wanted to try a stunt from jackass

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Eddie didnt know the gun was around the wrong way and accidently shot himself in the arm

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Torries offspring was still connected to her through his arm/umbilicle cord

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Dawn Marie hears the ghost of Al Wilson

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BatWomanSanta made an unreal appearance

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Santas little Hoe Hoe Hoe joined the smackdown tour too

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She knew she should have shaved her bikini line

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although wriving in pain, Cena desperately trys to say "Hi Mom"

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Cena couldnt help but notice the Jelly fish swimming around Show's head

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Cena tried to impersonate Austin, but Steve kept his cool, since Cena held up all of his fingers

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Stone Cold had been watching too much Scooby Doo, and thought that Big Shows face was just a mask.

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"No way austin, ive seen your winky, and it was only this big"

[loopydate]

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With the rising popularity of SmackDown stars like John Cena, Triple H knew he'd need some backup to stay on top.

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Vince and Steven Richards pose for the troops.

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VINCE: Ha ha ha!
SANTA: No...

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Vince couldn't help but shake the feeling that he'd forgotten something. He brought Eddie Guerrero. He brought John Cena. Hell, he even brought Stone Cold. Then, it dawned on him. He left the WWE Champion back in the States!

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After finishing every beer on the base, Austin was glad he brought his baggy pants for this trip.

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Unfortunately, a jumpy PFC thought that Austin was holding a grenade and the show came screeching to a halt.

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Austin counts the number of soldiers who knew the REAL reason they'd been sent over here to die.

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Sure, the crowd popped huge, but Bradshaw knew he'd have to answer to Brock for pulling off an F5.

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To commemorate Christmas in Baghdad, Ron and Charlie prepared a good old-fashioned 21-fart salute.

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BRADSHAW: Oh, a genocidal dictator, huh? Hey, Ron! I don't see so good. Is that Adolf Hitler out there?
FAAROOQ: The Chris Farley thing was funny when the Rock did it. Let it drop.

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AUSTIN: So, what, you're telling me that Booker T's a FIVE-time WCW Champion?

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Rhyno was confused. He hadn't read anything about an eclipse...

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Everyone ducked and covered when the terror alert was raised to orange.

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Rhyno sought shelter in the safest place he could think of...

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...and managed to pull a prank at the same time!

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Since his retirement, "Ickey" Woods had really let himself go. But, damned if he couldn't still do the Shuffle.

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Vince's reaction as the soldier explained that the reason that this base was even here was because Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and posed a legitimate terrorist threat to the United States.

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CENA: Yo yo yo... I just found somebody whiter than me in the desert, y'all.

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Shelton Benjamin out of character was...well...he wasn't quite as cool.

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CENA: And that is why this American-imposed "peace" won't last. Any questions?

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Ron subtly tries to point to who's sitting on his left hand.

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HHH: Best technical wrestler in the world, eh?

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CHRIS: Good. Now, you just wrap your legs around my arm and grab my jaw with both hands.

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EDDIE (on a bullhorn): Good. Now, you just jump out, fold yourself up, and straighten out just before you land on me.
CHRIS: I will never mock the frogsplash again...

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The ref was shocked. Where had Eddie's torso gone?

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Living up to his "Crippler" nickname, Benoit had already snapped Eddie's lower legs off, and he had designs on the arms below the elbow.

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During the next air raid, Eddie tried to seek shelter as Rhyno had before. Unfortunately, his opponent was less...accomodating.

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The ref was puzzled. What was Benoit wrapping his arms around?

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SOLDIER: I wanna be a wrestler.
VINCE: You look like a white Radio.
SOLDIER: How did you know I could sing?

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RIKISHI: Now how many hundreds of pounds does my ass weigh?

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A drunken Austin suddenly turned to the soldier to his left and gave him a passionate kiss, whispering something about "Loving your music, Miss Lang."

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KIDMAN (at home): Whore.

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BENOIT: Okay, Vince. Operation Elevation is in effect. You're clear on your objectives?
VINCE: Take Triple H down.
BENOIT: Use any force necessary. Non-lethal. I want him for questioning.
VINCE: Sir, yes, sir!
BENOIT: Those hypnotism tapes work great!

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Sable's role in Operation Elevation was to blast a hole through the glass ceiling. Somehow, though, something was holding her arms down.

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EDDIE: Orale, homes! This is just like being back in El Paso, ese!

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Ho.

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Ho.

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Ho.

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Merry Christmas!

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International television proved what Playboy tried to cover up. The carpet does NOT match the curtains.

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Fans were confused. Was Big Show putting on a four-star match? No, wait. That's a lighting grid.

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John "Exorcist" Cena performs another miracle.

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AUSTIN: You're right. I can't see you. Move your damned hand.

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Worst. Heimlich. Ever.

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AUSTIN: No, you're a homo!
SHOW: Why, you little...

[Corkscrewed]

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A little behind the times, the US troops saluted after blowing up a heel Sergeant Slaughter.

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Vince: "So you see, O'Haire, if you really want a push, you're gonna have to go through my 5000 man army! Muahaahahahaaaa!!!"

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Vince: "I haven't been naughty, Santa! I only buried Jericho twice this year!"

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Somewhere in the back of Vince's mind was the strangest feeling that a storyline stipulation was being broken.

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Steve always loved to pull up a chair, drink a beer, and watch a war live.

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Austin: "Hey Saddam! Want a beer? What? Imprisoned in some jail? What? Caught like a rodent in a spider hole? What?"

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At home, Angle let out a curse. Leave it to Austin to steal his pose.

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Bradshaw was put in charge of dragging all people who didn't blindly believe in the U.S. uberpatriotic rhetoric to their executions.

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Farooq wasn't sure what to do. When the other guy lost their contacts, did you continue with the match or just stall?

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Bradshaw shielded his eyes. He'd just saw his senses a moment ago, but now they were gone again.

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Austin: "I'm serious, Benoit. We've enlisted you in the army so that you'll never get a push again!"
Benoit: "Get out!"

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The tension mounted as Rikishi confronted Rhyno about supergluing the toilet after Rikishi's big lunch.

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Rikishi held Rhyno in place as the ref slapped him silly. That would teach him to play with crazy glue!

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Rhyno found out the messy way who ate his push.

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Rikishi was as shocked as anyone to find Grandmaster Sexay here, out of all places.

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Rikishi's superkick lesson were met with a huge pop from the US military.

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Soldier: "But sir, if you allowed the Cruiserweights to operate at full speed, putting on fast-paced, high-octane matches that excited the crowd into a frenzy, you'd get higher ratings and attract more viewers!
Vince: "Ahahaahahahhahaha!!! That's a good one, soldier. Now it's that sort of advice that's why I'm the owner of the WWE and you're stuck here fighting a meaningless war against insurgents who can ambush you at any moment."

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Soldier: "So we found Saddam in the hole, and he was like, 'You can't see me!' and we were like, 'Yes we can,' and then he gave up."
Cena: "Nice incorpration of my catchphrase into the story."
Soldier: "Thank you Mr. Cena."


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People weren't exactly sure what to think when the WWE introduced Arsenio Hall as its newest wrestler.

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Farooq: "Whoa! He's a homo!"
Rikishi: "You viewers are ALL homos!"
Queer Eye: "What's with all these gay jokes? I hope you know you're alienating a whole branch of Americans with these jokes! By, the way, Farooq, you should have used some baby powder to get rid of those ink stains on your shirt."
Farooq: "Shut up."

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Dictated: "Lets go kill Benoit's push."
Unfortunately, the last word was accidentally ommited off what was transcribed.

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Benoit was frustrated. Now was not the time for Eddie to be dancing the Hot Potato.

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The WWE had to use armed force to get Nathan Jones to come back.

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ChrisEddie, the world's first siamese no legged wrestlers in the world, made their debut.

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Who'da thunk Eddie Guerrero was a kiss-ass?

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Tazz: "Here comes a BELLY TO BELLY!"
Cole: "Um, the match is over."

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In fitting with the night of debuts, Eric Angle made his grand entrance as GI Joe.

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Rikishi: "Hey, buddy, tell them how many matches I'll win next year!"
Soldier: "Okay!"
Rikishi: "Hahahaha... HEY...!"

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It's good to know that Zach Gowen ended up finding a nice job in the military.

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Married Soldier: "Whore."

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At last, it was time for the Celebrity Deathmatch. Vince vs Benoit. Winner gets a push and TV time, loser is buried forever.

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Torrie wasn't quite sure if hunting down the Velocity wrestlers was ethical, but hey, she was getting paid for it...

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Eddie reacted with childish excitement when he found out the ENTIRE rifle was made out of chocolate!

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After a night out drinking, Mrs. Claus found herself hopelessly lost and away from home.

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"Al! Al? Is that you honey bunny?"

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It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes...

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Torrie thought she'd motivate the troops just before target practice until she noticed Theodore Long in the crowd.

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I didn't know Torrie was French.

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Big Show, being the consumate heel, put Cena in an abdominal stretch and stole his wallet at the same time.

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Selling punches was an extremely exhausting job for the Big Show.

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Austin was so drunk he really couldn't see Cena.

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Big Show countered Austin's stunner with the biggest wedgie of his life!

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The other wrestlers laughed when Austin announced who would be left behind in Baghdad because of America's new "No Useless Sacks Allowed" policy.


Whew! That was a LOT of pics!