RAW Captions 12/13/04

[Xero]

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[Mr. JL]

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you... the NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!
SIR SEAN 'James Bond' CONNERY

[Gouda]

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Snitsky: There seems to be a growth on my nipple!

I'll do more later....

[Xero]

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B0TCH3D!

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Randy: These anti-gravity boots were a BAD idea.

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*Edge moves, Orton lands*
Randy: What the fuck!?
Edge: You don't do a frog splash ON MY HEAD!
Randy: Really!? Oh, boy have I been doing it wrong all these years!

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Edge's face was starting to come off, and he had to staple it back on before people found out his true identity. Also in the news, Michael Jackson has been missing for the past year every Monday night and occasionally on Sundays.

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Eugene: UGH! UGH! UGH! *Looks at Maven's wrist.* What the hell kind of color combination is THAT!?

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Gene Snitsky has a very interesting family album. He's always shirtless!

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Gene: WOAH!
Lita: My bad! Shouldn't have had those beans I guess!
Gene: I guess not... Woo wee!

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Eugene: He know how to point to my knees! Hahaha ha ha haha!

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Foley: Wait wait...
*Foley stuffs the entire microphone into his mouth.*
Foley: PATAAAA!

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Hassan: I AM NOT PENISLESS!
Foley: I never said you were. I said you were PRICELESS.
Hassan: Oh... :shifty: :$

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Triple H: Wait. Batista's arm is up. I'm in this match... VIIIIINCE! DAVE DIDN'T LET ME PLAAAAAAYYYY! :'(

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Everyone knew it was time for Hogan to retire when he came to the ring at WrestleMania 35.

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Bischoff: Okay, which one of you will be champion? Which one. Eenie meanie minie moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers let him go. Eenie meanie minie moe. *Lands on Benoit* Moe moe moe! TRIPLE H IS THE CHAMPION!
Benoit: SON OF A BI- *Triple H's music hits*

[Transplant]

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WWE Presents: The Little Mermaid


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Eugene: Wow! Its ME!

[Xero]

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Eugene: Wow! Its ME!
:lol:

[loopydate]

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ORTON: Okay, so now I just shrug you off...
EDGE: That's not how Sabin does iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

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BOTH: CHAVOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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ORTON: I am too Superman!

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EDGE: This is unfair! Everybody else has had their shot. Dammit, I want to play Peek-A-Boo, too!

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MAVEN: Man, she's going to love this...
EUGENE: Shaniqua was released!
MAVEN: ...oh.

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Unfortunately, Gene took Christy's offer of "head" literally.

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GENE: So come on down to Crazy Gene's Baby-B-Q!

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FOLEY: Right here in...uh...city we're in!
CROWD: Cheap pop!
XIAN: Dude, that reeked of awesomeness!
EUGENE: Pillsbury Dougboy!
TOMKO: :wtf:

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MICK: Live long and prosp--er...HAVE A NICE DAY!

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HASSAN: This [grunt] is [grunt] the [grunt] last [grunt] time [grunt] I [grunt] ride [grunt] a [grunt] camel [grunt] to [grunt] the [grunt] arena!

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BATISTA: Hey, look! I'm reaching over the ceiling. Whaddya think about that, tough guy?
HHH: Curse your height!

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BISCHOFF: [Sigh] Time to give this to Helmsley again... Man, I miss working for a promotion that didn't have an egomaniac doing his own booking to give himself titl--oh. Right.

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BISCHOFF: ...and Edge is now from the great state of Texas. Okay, good meeting. Everybody drive safe and have a merry Christmas.
HHH: ...the crowd is still here? Man, these people will sit through anything!

[Savio]

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Foley: Your a homo!
Eugene: no your a homo!
Christan: The floors a homo!......what?

[Mr. Nerfect]

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Eugene: Wow! Its ME!

LOL. I know this is a humour thing, but I've always thought Mick Foley and Eugene would appear on-screen together and Eugene would do somehting like this *Excited Gasp* "I look like you!" or just something like that.

I don't know why they haven't done that yet.

[El Santo]

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Orton sure as hell didn't like giving out free piggyback rides, but that Edge was so persistant.

or

Edge: "Pardon me, Legend Killer, but is that Randy Wear?"
Orton: "Why yes! Yes it is!"
Randy Wear --- For men who don't give a damn.

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I'm telling you, these nonstick wrestling mats will never work.

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Although he tried to shake as vigorously as possible, Edge and Orton soon learned the static cling horrors of Randy Wear.

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On a special "Wonderful World of Disney", the Beast wonders what he should give Belle for Christmas.

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Maven was distraught at Eugene's firm decision to not give out piggyback rides.

or

On a special WWE Rewind, we look at the early days of the Rock n' Sock Connection.

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Gene: "... and I will love her and pet her and call her George."

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After the entire locker room spontaneously combusted before his very eyes, Snitsky thanked God that he didn't try JR's BBQ sauce.

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Christian: "... and you've got to see the worthless jobber they have following me around! Things haven't been the same since you left, Mick."
Tomko: "Um... I'm standing right here."

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Mick: "Ha ha! Don't worry guys! I DIDN'T really get your nose! It was my thumb all along!"

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Hassan: "Ohhhhh sooooooo la meeeeee oooooo..."

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Trips watched in horror as he accidentally stumbled upon Dave Batista's top secret ballet lessons.

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Belty: "And remember, jerkass, if you give me to David Arquette again, the I squeeze the living tar out of you."

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Bischoff: "Seriously, doesn't it bug anyone that Triple H has managed to successfully graft his head onto Dave's chest?"

[loopydate]

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I'm telling you, these nonstick wrestling mats will never work.

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On a special "Wonderful World of Disney", the Beast wonders what he should give Belle for Christmas.

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Mick: "Ha ha! Don't worry guys! I DIDN'T really get your nose! It was my thumb all along!"

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Trips watched in horror as he accidentally stumbled upon Dave Batista's top secret ballet lessons.


:rofl:

The scary thing: I can totally imagine Mick saying that...

[PorkSoda]

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Batista does his impression of Vince Mcmahon during talent meetings.

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Mohammed: I never had your nose all along either, its just Kaserio's nuts.

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Check out Big Show's new car alarm.

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Edge botches playing Peekaboo

[Savio]

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JR: Heart warming Mr. Lawyer
King: A glowing tribute Mr. Ross
JR: Err....Bar-B-Q!
rep for refernce

[Gone Mad]

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RKO: Look at this! An adult magazine on the mat.
eDge (quickly jumps down and runs away): IT'S NOT MINE.. I SWEAR.. TAXI!!

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M. Bison: Damn it! Both are stealing my moves and doing them wrong no doubt.
Fan nearby: You need a job, don't you?
M. Bison: .. I've been sleeping in Sagat's trashbin.. :'(

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Raiden (in the crowd): Oh, gods! Now he's ripping me off!
eDGE: Hey, isn't that the Highlander there? Hey, hug me, Immortal!
RKO (singing): WHO CAN IT BE??? BELIEVE OR NOT, IT'S JUST ME!!!

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eDge: **crying** WHY DOES EVERYONE THROW WATER ON ME AND CALL ME A MOGWAI!!?!?

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Maven just couldn't open that new Eugene cookie jar, he just went off into a corner and cried.

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Snitsky: It cost extra to see "SpongeBob" with a disembodied head? That Al Snow is such a liar.. I've got "Return of the King: Extended Edition" at home, if you want...
Christy: .........
Snitsky: ... something on your mind???

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Never... EVER.. piss off Tim the Enchanter.
or..
The cast of Blade made an appearance on Raw. In a related story, there is a casting call for the next Blade movie.

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Tomko: ..What are you doing, Xtian?
Xtian: Reanacting "Reservoir Dogs".
Tomko: Then why are you doing Pac-Man?!
Eugene: STOP POINTING YOUR MOUTH AT MY DAD!!
** mouthing gunshots, all fall down except Tomko **
Tomko: .... :shifty: **steals Foley's flannel**

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Foley: Talk to the hand cuz the face ain't hearing!
Flair: GAWDdamnSIGNMYBOOK!! DMANGLOFIEFDSTUNTMAN!! **flops**

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Hussan: And for the last time, my manager will not say "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" !
Manager: Yeah, ya crazy foo!

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The ref does agree with Batista. He is a homo.

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Wow.. even the homeless can be World Champion? Where has the credibility gone?

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Bischoff: Whoever doesn't look at one another's crotch the longest, wins the title-- Trips? Already?! You're out!
HHH: I can't help it... reminds me of Chy.. I mean, Steph.. yeah, Steph....

end.

[Mr. Nerfect]

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Orton: We are now testing the Gravity Boots from the new Ratchet & Clank 3: Up Your Arsenel.

*Edge's doesn't move.*

Edge: F*CK YOU RHYNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Screw the Glass Ceiling, Triple H installed a talent vacuum. Even Earl Hebner was not immune.

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Edge: Freeze!

*Orton stops mid-air.*

*Edge runs behind him.*

Edge: Go!

*Orton hits the mat.*

*Edge hits the Spear for three.*

JR: BAHGAWD! Orton was screwed here tonight! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! The Rattlesnake! Edge configured time and space! BAHGAWD! He should be disgusted with himself!

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*Edge's new theme music hits.*

Edge (singing along): Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more......

OR

Maybe it would be better if I told where Steven Richards wasn't? :-\

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After another massive layoff of talent, Maven was forced to return to teaching. What he didn't know was that public schools were discouraging underage sex by showing the Chyna/X-Pac sex tape.

Eugene: What's that!?!

Maven: Oh God!

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On a serious note for a second, does anyone else think that this photo captures more expression in the face of Lita than her entire WWE career so far? What........that's not Lita? :shifty:

OR

Gene Snitsky: We are now testing the Disembodied Head of Doom from Ratchet & Clank 3: Up Your Arsenel.

OR

Christy Hemme was a lot less frisky after Gene Snitsky forced her to watch the entire two second blowoff to the Chyna/X-Pac feud. :shifty:

OR

Gene Snitsky: C'mon! Sing it! Dah-dah...dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!

Christy Hemme (thinking): Why does he want me to voice the beat to "I Dream of Genie"? *Slight Pause* Oh God.

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Satanic voice form the pits of Hell: I'm coming for my push, Gene.

Gene: Wait, what are those Satanic symbols appearing out of that unexplained rift in the ground spelling? I...I'm nose? Not. I'm not teaching you? Teaching you anything you don't already know? Oh, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. OH SH!T!!!!!!!! Who left the cage door open?

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Christian: So Mick, how did you get your job back on RAW.

Mick Foley: By giving out a job, if you know what I mean. *Points to Eugene's area*

Eugene: I did that too! *Open's mouth*

Christian: Oh, oh, oh, that choice. I chose behind.

Tyson Tomko: Am I missing out on something here?

Mick Foley: You're a hoss, idiot.

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Damn attendance was getting low. Foley is famous for his "Empty Arena" match, but c'mon.

OR

Mick Foley: Now you see Steven Richards' TV time, now you don't.

Fan: We never saw it anyway, isn't Stevie invisible? :shifty:

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The heat came flowing out when Khasrow Daivari walked to the ring with the remains of a man's leg, and Muhammad screamed "GET IN MA BELLY!"

OR

Muhammad Hassan did turn out to be a La Resistance clone.

Muhammad: Oh Ca-na-da!

OR

Khasrow (Thinking): Someone, please shoot that man in the ass.

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When Batista defeated Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship, the world's natural law changed, and Batista now became the center of gravity.

OR

Ring Announcer: The winner......and your NEW World "Which is a Traingle?" Champion...............Dave...BATISTA!

OR

Earl Hebner: Now my work of crowning a new World Heavyweight Champion is complete, I am no longer needed on Earth.

*Earl Hebner suddenly shoots jets out of his feet and blast off out of the arena.*

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Ring Announcer: Please welcome our NEW World Heavyweight Champion.

*A UFO lands in the arena and out steps Eric Bischoff.*

JR: BAHGAWD! I knew he was alien!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wrestling Headlines the Next Day: Vince Russo replaces Paul Heyman in writing team.

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Everyone was just a little uncomfortable when Batista did a piss right there and then.

[Mr. Nerfect]

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RKO: Look at this! An adult magazine on the mat.
eDge (quickly jumps down and runs away): IT'S NOT MINE.. I SWEAR.. TAXI!!

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M. Bison: Damn it! Both are stealing my moves and doing them wrong no doubt.
Fan nearby: You need a job, don't you?
M. Bison: .. I've been sleeping in Sagat's trashbin.. :'(

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Raiden (in the crowd): Oh, gods! Now he's ripping me off!
eDGE: Hey, isn't that the Highlander there? Hey, hug me, Immortal!
RKO (singing): WHO CAN IT BE??? BELIEVE OR NOT, IT'S JUST ME!!!

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eDge: **crying** WHY DOES EVERYONE THROW WATER ON ME AND CALL ME A MOGWAI!!?!?

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Maven just couldn't open that new Eugene cookie jar, he just went off into a corner and cried.

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Snitsky: It cost extra to see "SpongeBob" with a disembodied head? That Al Snow is such a liar.. I've got "Return of the King: Extended Edition" at home, if you want...
Christy: .........
Snitsky: ... something on your mind???

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Never... EVER.. piss off Tim the Enchanter.
or..
The cast of Blade made an appearance on Raw. In a related story, there is a casting call for the next Blade movie.

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Tomko: ..What are you doing, Xtian?
Xtian: Reanacting "Reservoir Dogs".
Tomko: Then why are you doing Pac-Man?!
Eugene: STOP POINTING YOUR MOUTH AT MY DAD!!
** mouthing gunshots, all fall down except Tomko **
Tomko: .... :shifty: **steals Foley's flannel**

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Foley: Talk to the hand cuz the face ain't hearing!
Flair: GAWDdamnSIGNMYBOOK!! DMANGLOFIEFDSTUNTMAN!! **flops**

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Hussan: And for the last time, my manager will not say "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" !
Manager: Yeah, ya crazy foo!

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The ref does agree with Batista. He is a homo.

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Wow.. even the homeless can be World Champion? Where has the credibility gone?

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Bischoff: Whoever doesn't look at one another's crotch the longest, wins the title-- Trips? Already?! You're out!
HHH: I can't help it... reminds me of Chy.. I mean, Steph.. yeah, Steph....

end.

:lol:

You made me spt up my coffee all over my lap with those. Good work, man. :y:

[Corkscrewed]

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With a routine like that, is it really any question why Edge and Randy are the World Ballroom Dancing Champions?

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Their Asian style wire suspended martial arts moves, however, needed a bit of help.

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In Ultimate Miming, Randy pretends to swim through a crystal blue sea while Edge suddenly spots a pearl in an oyster.

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Sadly, Edge WAS determined to make his face stay that way.

OR

Chyna (offscreen): "Oh baby yes!!!"
X-Pac (offscreen): "Suck it!"
Edge: "Never. Call Rhyno. A turd. Again."

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Try as he might, Maven couldn't untwist his Eugene Lifedoll to get the special prize inside.

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Whoa! Al Snow's buffer than ever and he's got Head back!!! And she's HOT!!!

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Gene: "No... no! There's no way I could have gotten here so fast after being pushed so much!!!"
Ultimo, Mordecai, Christian: "Join the club."

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Christian took offense to Mick "Point to the Smallest Penis" Foley.

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Foley: "Ah, I see you are new! I will speak in the language that you Indians understand.... *ahem* How! In English, that's called 'Hello!'"

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"We're not Indian, you stupid turd. Heck... even if we were... WRONG INDIAN!!!!"

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Ref: "Oh god, Hunter, you look terrible. You alright?"
Triple H: "L--last night... Batista was... the MAN!!!!" *breaks down crying*

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You couldn't tell it by his face, but Bischoff was ecstatic that Russo was the new RAW booker.

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Batista looked into the sky and counted down. In ten seconds, the comets would rain down upon the others and leave him the sole wrestler fit to hold the championship. Five... four... three...

[PorkSoda]

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Mohammed does his impression of Nathan Gale at a gay bar.

[Nark Order]

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Unfortunately, Gene took Christy's offer of "head" literally.

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GENE: So come on down to Crazy Gene's Baby-B-Q!
LMFAO!!