TS6's Ultimate 1000 post carnage!

[tucsonspeed6]

Welcome to TS6's Ultimate 1000 post carnage! (Batteries and wrestling relation included!!!!)

I wasn't sure if I'd have time for this. I wanted to do it next week, but since my last final is tonight, I should have time. No, I won't give any acceptance speeches, I won't thank all the wonderful people who helped my get here (but really, you're all wonderful, and thank you so much.) Instead, I'll just lay down the rules:

Give me the following: 1: A topic for a crappy Jeff Hardy poem; 2: Any random situation at all; and 3: A wrestler OTHER THAN HHH.

I will choose the one that I think will be the funnniest.

If I choose the poem, I'll dedicate a brand spanking new Jeff Poem personally to you.

If I choose the situation, I'll come up with the funniest way Lita could botch it.

If I choose the wrestler, I'll tell you how they have ruined the entire wrestling industry and held down so many talented individuals along the way.

!!!!!Also note that if you want, you can also post a wrestling related photo, and I'll caption it for you as a fun bonus!!!!!!

Rest assured that it may take some time for me to get back to you, and I may have to reply to several individuals at once, so be patient. After all, it did take me nearly 10 months to get this far...

Oh yeah, and if you could just REP the shit out of me, that'd be wonderful. I'd like to have a rep count of at least 20,000 by next tuesday, so I can have a one man invasion of the casual forums and annoy them with constant wrestling related comments until they bad rep me back to 5000 reps........ :yes:


Have at you. I'll be back this afternoon.

[Mayo]

I choose Kamala for #3

[Savio]

Butt sex for # 1

[tucsonspeed6]

I choose Kamala for #3

Oh yeah, there are some of you out there who think "Kamala's such a lovable character." what with his gibberish and his delightful belly slapping, but I bet you didn't know the true man behind the character. The so called James Harris. Maybe you recall back when HHH first started getting involved in backstage politics, people called him a "young Jimmy Harris"....well there you go!

FACT: 1983! Kamala shot on Andre the Giant during his pre-WWF days. Why? He says "Andre called me a Dumb S-O-B", But look at the facts, people! He totally squashed Andre because he refused to sell anything! Next thing you know, he's working for the WWF! Insane!

Fact: Eating a Live Chicken. That chicken wasn't even harmed! The expression on Vinnie Mac's face only showed how impressed he was with Harris, but let's face facts, people...that chicken was nothing more than the oppression of future workers like Bret Hart! No more could anyone use a "I'm crazy and I think I'm a chicken!" gimmick, because Kamala was too busy holding that gimmick down, saying in his gibberish "I eat chickens for breakfast!

Fact: The guy's buddy buddy with Hogan. HOGAN! Here's the quote: "Hogan's a sweetheart," he said. "I never worked with many world champions, and he was the only guy that I felt comfortable working with. I could just do what I wanted. We'd still have good matches, I always wanted to have good matches, but he was the easiest guy to work with." Easy to work with because the two of you were MONOPOLIZING the backstage!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!! [/crazy]

Sure the guy didn't get paid squat for anything, but that's besides the point! He's held down everyone! When did Bret Hart debut his chicken gimmick? NEVER! and it's all because of Kamala!

[tucsonspeed6]

Butt sex for # 1

An ode to Butt sex:

Hardy's my name,
with Intensity you can't stop
Ladders are my game,
And on the game I'm always atop....

I once did a spot,
so the little girls would flirt
Oh Botch! Skillful I'm not!
I fell. Oh the pain, the Hurt!

WIth the pain I did Sob
My opponent below...I didn't detect 'im
I fell right on his knob
It punctured my rectum

So now I'm a sleeze
And wrestle for the NWA
but I beg you please
Stop calling me gay!

[3:16]

Dude Love for #3

[tucsonspeed6]

Dude Love for #3

Oh please! I find it hard to believe that you don't already know the story about Dude love. Let's look at his history:

Dude love was cultivated in Mick Foley's youth as the star of one of two home movies made by mick and his friends. The creation would eventually turn into an unstoppable monster who consumed power everywhere he went. YOu see, Mick Foley was a lovable guy most of the time. But when he became "the Dude" he stomped his way to the top. Even in his own video, he couldn't put over "Big Dick Zucker" while he was being "sadimized" by the heel.

He insisted that women everywhere must still be infatuated with himself. Not only that, but he also declared himself the world champion, despite the fact that he never actually pinned the current champion! Mick Foley saw the monster that he was becoming and quickly snuffed the character out, giving rise to a new character: Cactus Jack, and later Mankind...but Love couldn't be held down. Not by those hacks at least......

He came out again, and again, Holding down the other two personas and even attempting to rise to the top of the WWF heap, declaring himself Steve Austin's tag team championship partner over SHAWN MICHAELS! Shawn Michaels, as many of you may recall, screwed Bret Hart out of his world title. He is responcible for the most famous screwjob in history, and that cold bastard Dude Love even screwed HIM over.

Dude Love is the scurge of the Wrestling industry. If he wasn't screwing over other wrestlers, he was screwing all of us over....having pre-maritals with our mothers, stealing our smiles, anything he could do to get his hippie kicks. We can't be too thankful that he's out of our lives forever.

But the next time Mick Foley comes to another WWE Event, just remember who's lurking beneath that shaggy hair, waiting to throw on a tie-died headband and FUCK US ALL OVER!!!!!!!

[3:16]

Man! that was great! :lol:

[What Would Kevin Do?]

#2

Aliens land on Earth

[tucsonspeed6]

#2

Aliens land on Earth


Lita looked out her window to see that Aliens were invading the earth. "What should I do?" she exclaimed to herself, "Call the government? Beg for mercy? Have their babies?" Upon the final thought, she quickly remembered, "No....last time I did that, Gene Snitsky hit Kane and I botched my baby's birth for him. I can't let that happen again!" Mustering her every nerve, she grabed her favorite shotgun and stormed out the door to confront her enemy.

As the ships began to land, she whispered to herself, "I will not botch this. I can not botch this! The fate of the world depends on it!"

The UFO's door opened, and the several tiny creatures casually stepped out with the words, "Greetings! We come in peace to spread the knowledge of the universe to your people!"

"Invade us, will you?" Lita muttered through her gritted teeth, "We'll see about that!" She raised her shotgun and stared down into the darkness of the barrel. "Take this, you freaks of nature!" She reached out her arm to pull the trigger, but it was too far away to reach. "Dammit! What's wrong with this thing!"

She kicked off her shoe and reached up with her toe and began to pull the trigger. "Die alien scum!"

A nearby alien reacted quickly, "She's going to damage herself with that weapon!" Quickly, he kicked the barrel of the gun away from her face as it fired and tied the gun into a knot with his Anti-weapon ray of peace.

"You sorry Son of a birch!" Lita yelled.

"Son of a tree?" the alien said confused. "Don't you mean--"

But it was too late. Lita grabbed him around the neck and fell backwards, smashing his head into the ground with a DDT.

"AHH! God Dammit, bitch! You fucked up my neck!" the alien screamed. "You some kind of fucking idiot or something?" Another nearby alien ran quickly to his comrad's aid. He began to help he friend back to his feet, but it was too late. Lita began climbing a giant aluminum mummy and immediately dove off into a swanton bomb, crushing the aliens beneath her.

"That one's for Nero!" She screamed as she got back to her feet.

The aliens laid crushed on the ground. "My spine!" the first said.

"Can that bitch even wrestle at all without working stiff?" the second said.

"I know what'll kill you!" Lita said finally with a little grin, "I'll give you the common cold and your foreign bodies won't be able to fight it off! All I have to do is sneeze on you!" She squinted her eyes and scrunched up her face, hoping to force a sneeze.

*BBBBRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!!*

The noise sounded unhealthy, alright....but it came from the wrong end. She quickly stuffed her hand down the back of her pants. "Damn! Instead of sneezing, I've soiled myself!"

Behind a nearby dumpster, A familiar white rapper popped his head up and yelled, "Those pants are mine! I called 'em!"

"Ok, focus Lita....FOCUS!" She demanded of herself. She squeezed every muscle hoping for the disease to come out.

Another unnatural sound emerged from her pelvis. She reached down her pants again. "Oh no! Not another miscarriage!" She cried.

"Dude! what's that on your face?" One alien said, noticing another alien.

"What's that on YOUR face!?!" The second replied.

"What's wrong with my face?!?" the first asked in a frightened tone.
Behind them, Lita was still attempting a sneeze.

"A little scab on your upper lip!" Both said in unison. The looked at their comrads. Each had the same disorder.

"You bitch! You've sealed our fates!" the leader cursed at Lita. "Number 2! Use the anti-weapon ray of peace to fire their own nuclear weapons at themselves!"

The second alien pressed the button on his device and the aliens quickly boarded their ship. As the ship shot away into the sky, the ground rumbled and dozens of missiles shot out of the ground in every direction. Staring at the con-trails, Lita said to herself, "it's so beautiful... So patriotic!.... At moments like this, the national anthem plays in my head." And so, she began to sing.....

"Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons.........."


And so ends the story of Lita and the botched alien encounter. The end.

[Nervous Ferret]

Breakfast for #2

[Savio]

Kane for #3

[Nervous Ferret]

I'm not getting my breakfast situation!!!!!:mad:

[Marcyo]

give him a break guys lol

[tucsonspeed6]

Breakfast for #2

It was a beatiful morning that day. Lita opened her pretty little eyes and popped her head out from under her covers. "Good bye!" she called to her phone, which laid motionless on her nightstand, probably in embarassment fearing that the other inanimate objects in the room would notice that it had been spoken to by the foul one...but it's more likely that it sat there motionlessly because it was an inanimate object.

As Lita began to crawl out of bed, she reached down and pulled a small flashlight shaped object from her pajamas. "Oh dear," she said, "I seemed to have fallen asleep with it on again. The batteries are all worn down."

She climbed out of bed and reached high, stretching all of her muscles before she began the day. *Thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump...*
"What's that noise?" Lita thought. She looked up and realized that her fingers were caught in the ceiling fan again. "That's the fourth time this week, and it's only Monday!" she exclaimed, "I bet I got up on the wrong side of the bed again."

After carefully bandaging up her fingers, she strolled down to the kitchen to make breakfast. But what to have? The Women's champ has to keep up her strength, so of course she ate the proper foods....you wouldn't think she'd botch that, would you?

"Oh, I've forgotten how to make it!" Lita said in frustration, "Where's my cookbook?" As lita searched for the cookbook that had the recipe for Lamnas Bread, she suddenly realized that Lamnas Bread isn't really a real sort of thing, and even if she did have a recipe, it's doubtful that a human could make it. For a moment, she pondered having sex with an Elf, but concluded that having an encounter with another supernatural being would only lead to another Gene Snitsky storyline. "No thank you." she said out loud and began to warm up the waffle maker.

After mixing the proper ingredients as recomended on the frozen waffle box, she oh-so-gently placed her face between the hot plates. After a moment, she jumped back in startlement. Her kitchen mirror revealed cross hatching burns on her face that suggested that she MIGHT have forgotten a step in the cooking process. She looked at the frozen waffle box again. "Place waffles in toaster?" she said to herself, "But the toaster hasn't worked since I tried to keep my toast moist by making it in the shower and the soggy toast wouldn't come out of the toaster so I had to dig it out with a fork......." The room was silent for an uncomfortably long moment as her eyes rolled back into her head. Then, just as quickly as it started, she shook it off.

"I think I'll just get some cereal....surreal....serial....um......" Just then she noticed her kitty was in the cereal box again, scratching away as usual. "Get out of there, kitty!" she yelled, weilding a broom. The cat ran away, and she scooped up a bowl full, poured some milk on it, and began eating. "Hmm" she said, lifting the cereal box off of the floor to examine it. "Where's the expiration date on this? It tastes a bit stale...."

And at that very moment, she noticed the VCR. It flashed 12:00 AM again and again. "Oh shit! Raw's started like 4 hours ago! I'm gonna be late! " and she threw on her things and ran out the door. The end.

[tucsonspeed6]

Kane for #3


Kane.....Where to start with Kane (that bastard),

He started his career modestly, working with Dean Malenko, but I guess working with that kind of talent makes a guy's head grow to overly large sizes. I'm not even going to mention where the Christmas Creature was going, but for Kane to push that kind of crap on us that early in his career has to be the biggest slap in the face a rookie could ever pull. SHOW SOME MODESTY YOU BIG DUMB APE!!!!

Well apparently modesty never came. Glen Jacobs HAD to be on top, and if that meant stealing everybody's gimmicks to hold them down.....well, let's just say it wasn't below him... Allow me to caption some pictures for you.

http://ashranch.com/bio/images/doomsday1.jpg
"Have a nice day! And be sure to fork over the belt so I can hold your asses down for years to come too, while you're at it!!!"

http://ashranch.com/bio/images/unabom4.jpg
Blonde hair, black tights....no this isn't Steve Williams in his early career. But it sure does look like him. I have to ask you, Do you think it was INTENDED TO BE?!?!?!?

http://ashranch.com/bio/images/yankem12.jpg
Indeed, Val Venus' career never really ramped up. Hmm....I WONDER WHY!?!

http://ashranch.com/bio/images/diesel6.jpg
Big Sexy. Big Sexy RED MACHINE! Fucking Disgusting!

Let's look where these guys are now, shall we?
Foley: Out of wrestling, now writing childrens books
Austin: Out of wrestling, now sitting on his ass complaining about how wrestling sucks (probably because he knows that Kane's fucked it up for everybody)
Venus: Jobbing on Heat as some bald turd just to keep a solid image...sad.
Nash: Now on some two bit dog and pony show called TNA. YOu wanna know why he tore his quad in the first place? I'll be damned if HHH did it. Oh no, it was bad Dentistry!

And currently? Well, How many shitty weddings did we have to sit through as the main event on Raw in the past five years?

TWO.

You people say HHH is terrible... at least he's trying to quit the wedding angles. Kane, on the other hand, has done it once already in the past few months alone! He's ruining wrestling, and he's hogging the main event spotlight with his crappy wedding/baby killing angles while all of us fans are screaming "Bring back the good old days!"

I've said enough. He disgusts me.

[Nervous Ferret]

It was a beatiful morning that day. Lita opened her pretty little eyes and popped her head out from under her covers. "Good bye!" she called to her phone, which laid motionless on her nightstand, probably in embarassment fearing that the other inanimate objects in the room would notice that it had been spoken to by the foul one...but it's more likely that it sat there motionlessly because it was an inanimate object.

As Lita began to crawl out of bed, she reached down and pulled a small flashlight shaped object from her pajamas. "Oh dear," she said, "I seemed to have fallen asleep with it on again. The batteries are all worn down."

She climbed out of bed and reached high, stretching all of her muscles before she began the day. *Thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump...*
"What's that noise?" Lita thought. She looked up and realized that her fingers were caught in the ceiling fan again. "That's the fourth time this week, and it's only Monday!" she exclaimed, "I bet I got up on the wrong side of the bed again."

After carefully bandaging up her fingers, she strolled down to the kitchen to make breakfast. But what to have? The Women's champ has to keep up her strength, so of course she ate the proper foods....you wouldn't think she'd botch that, would you?

"Oh, I've forgotten how to make it!" Lita said in frustration, "Where's my cookbook?" As lita searched for the cookbook that had the recipe for Lamnas Bread, she suddenly realized that Lamnas Bread isn't really a real sort of thing, and even if she did have a recipe, it's doubtful that a human could make it. For a moment, she pondered having sex with an Elf, but concluded that having an encounter with another supernatural being would only lead to another Gene Snitsky storyline. "No thank you." she said out loud and began to warm up the waffle maker.

After mixing the proper ingredients as recomended on the frozen waffle box, she oh-so-gently placed her face between the hot plates. After a moment, she jumped back in startlement. Her kitchen mirror revealed cross hatching burns on her face that suggested that she MIGHT have forgotten a step in the cooking process. She looked at the frozen waffle box again. "Place waffles in toaster?" she said to herself, "But the toaster hasn't worked since I tried to keep my toast moist by making it in the shower and the soggy toast wouldn't come out of the toaster so I had to dig it out with a fork......." The room was silent for an uncomfortably long moment as her eyes rolled back into her head. Then, just as quickly as it started, she shook it off.

"I think I'll just get some cereal....surreal....serial....um......" Just then she noticed her kitty was in the cereal box again, scratching away as usual. "Get out of there, kitty!" she yelled, weilding a broom. The cat ran away, and she scooped up a bowl full, poured some milk on it, and began eating. "Hmm" she said, lifting the cereal box off of the floor to examine it. "Where's the expiration date on this? It tastes a bit stale...."

And at that very moment, she noticed the VCR. It flashed 12:00 AM again and again. "Oh shit! Raw's started like 4 hours ago! I'm gonna be late! " and she threw on her things and ran out the door. The end.lol it was worth the wait. :) ;)

[Gone Mad]

Lighting a candle for #2.

[tucsonspeed6]

Lighting a candle for #2.

Sorry. From here on out everyone's gonna have to wait a couple days to get more Lita botches, Jeff Hardy Poems, and Wrestlers holding down the business. I've got way too much to do today, being Christmas Eve. I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up because I'm online right now.

I'll still be thinking of ways Lita would botch lighting a candle, though.

[weather vane]

Demolition

[Savio]

Waking up for #2