Kane Knight
10-29-2005, 11:01 PM
...All here in the ruse report. Today's headlines:
Big Vis signs diet book deal: The book, titled Eating Out: Going down with Vis will be released this Wednesday.
The New Era begins: The WWE has signed Bret Hart in a one-time appearance in which he will be screwed, thus kicking off the new era with a bang. No word is yet available as to whether Earl Hebner will return, but Vince McMahon has already ordered the venue to reject tickets held by Canadians. As the event is in Montreal, this could provide low ticket sales.
Foley Cow!: A new Mick Foley DVD is slated for release, chronicling his more recent career highlights, including: Jobbing to Triple H, Jobbing to Triple H again, jobbing to Evolution, and having his face posted behind more buffet counters than the Big Show. Other DVD releases include:
Wrestling with my jacket: The tale of Flair's senile years
Send in the Clowns: A tribute to the many Dinks
Val Venis: Uncut
Are you gonna eat that? The Big Show Story
Chris Masters is working on a book as well. He was very happy to tell us of his progress, recounting the tale of a cat in a hat....
Faking interest: John "Bradshaw" Layfield has joined with Bono and Bill Gates to stamp out poverty. This week alone, he has hired an entire third world family, and has doubled their wages. Of course, he's writing the $5 off as a charity deduction. Other notable political contributors include Hardcore Holly, who refuses to let minorities vote until they pay their dues, Chris Jericho, who wrote Howard Dean's victory speeches, Vince McMahon, who has bought the tiny country of Latveria, and Shane Helms, who helped campaign for better FEMA funding. Chris Masters is said to be a backer of the GReen Party, and Vince McMahon has started the McMahononian party, which will endeavor to script the daily life of this nation.
Illegally parked: The wWE has refused to comment on the deportation of Orlando Jordan, insisting they did not know he was an illegal immigrant. JBL was shocked, however, asking "Where can I find another valet that speaks english in New York?"
JR Update: The WWE tipped their hand this week, putting the results of Taboo Tuesday up nearly a full week early. The results are as follows: (Spoilers)
Cade and Murdoch retain against the Big Show and Shawn Michaels after the ref gets blinded by Shawn's bald spot. During the Ref's dazed state, Cade bastes Michaels in Barbecue sauce, and the Big Show eats him.
Rob Conway defeats Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, after Conway convinced him that "Handicap" was a polite term for "retarded."
Victoria wins the "Leeather and Lace" battle royal, forcing Trish Stratus to submit with a strap-on. Viewership and water pressure were at an all time low after this event, but sales of Leenex rose drastically.
Due to a tie, Cactus Jack and the Dude both showed up at ringside. Ironically enough, they had worn the same outfit, and battled it out. After Dude Love was polished off via a barbed wire baseball bat, Carlito pulled out Mister Socko, KO-ing the Hardcore legend with an apple--Wrapped around a sledgehammer.
The fans spoke, and Stone Cold faced the Coach in a verbal debate. In a surprise twist, the Coach was schooled by Austin's impressive knowledge of foreign domestic policies and the effects of globalisation.
After the match, JR was brought out from the back, only to slip on the remains of Dude Love, cracking his skull open on the ring. We wish the best to JR, and hope he awakens from his coma soon.
Ric Flair v Triple H suffered from a surprise twist, as the fans scored an unprecedented write-in victory, making the match a "Sodomy match." Triple H looked to have the early win, but was unable to make the sledgehammer fit. Ric Flair pulled a "come from behind" victory, managing to slip his dentures up Triple H's tights, getting the victory and retaining the title "Dirtiest player in the game."
Edge and Masters beat Hardcore Holly and Matt Hardy, though Smackdown got the final laugh, as Eddie Guerrerro stole Edge's briefcase, giving it to Randy Orton. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, though small children should not be allowed to watch this segment.
Kane defeats John Cena in an unexpected twist. Apparently, the "Five Knuckle Shuffle" causes blindness. Kane celebrated by freestyling while spinning his new title's faceplate. This signals a new direction in the Kane character, as emo Kane is out, and the Wigger Machine is in.
The Undertaker is scheduled to return this week. Randy Orton, tired of losing to a zombie, kidnapped his puppy and if Taker didn't learn to "Roll over." Taker is expected to lose to Simon Dean on Friday, or, as my source states "The dog gets it!"
And that's all the news that's fit to fake.
Big Vis signs diet book deal: The book, titled Eating Out: Going down with Vis will be released this Wednesday.
The New Era begins: The WWE has signed Bret Hart in a one-time appearance in which he will be screwed, thus kicking off the new era with a bang. No word is yet available as to whether Earl Hebner will return, but Vince McMahon has already ordered the venue to reject tickets held by Canadians. As the event is in Montreal, this could provide low ticket sales.
Foley Cow!: A new Mick Foley DVD is slated for release, chronicling his more recent career highlights, including: Jobbing to Triple H, Jobbing to Triple H again, jobbing to Evolution, and having his face posted behind more buffet counters than the Big Show. Other DVD releases include:
Wrestling with my jacket: The tale of Flair's senile years
Send in the Clowns: A tribute to the many Dinks
Val Venis: Uncut
Are you gonna eat that? The Big Show Story
Chris Masters is working on a book as well. He was very happy to tell us of his progress, recounting the tale of a cat in a hat....
Faking interest: John "Bradshaw" Layfield has joined with Bono and Bill Gates to stamp out poverty. This week alone, he has hired an entire third world family, and has doubled their wages. Of course, he's writing the $5 off as a charity deduction. Other notable political contributors include Hardcore Holly, who refuses to let minorities vote until they pay their dues, Chris Jericho, who wrote Howard Dean's victory speeches, Vince McMahon, who has bought the tiny country of Latveria, and Shane Helms, who helped campaign for better FEMA funding. Chris Masters is said to be a backer of the GReen Party, and Vince McMahon has started the McMahononian party, which will endeavor to script the daily life of this nation.
Illegally parked: The wWE has refused to comment on the deportation of Orlando Jordan, insisting they did not know he was an illegal immigrant. JBL was shocked, however, asking "Where can I find another valet that speaks english in New York?"
JR Update: The WWE tipped their hand this week, putting the results of Taboo Tuesday up nearly a full week early. The results are as follows: (Spoilers)
Cade and Murdoch retain against the Big Show and Shawn Michaels after the ref gets blinded by Shawn's bald spot. During the Ref's dazed state, Cade bastes Michaels in Barbecue sauce, and the Big Show eats him.
Rob Conway defeats Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, after Conway convinced him that "Handicap" was a polite term for "retarded."
Victoria wins the "Leeather and Lace" battle royal, forcing Trish Stratus to submit with a strap-on. Viewership and water pressure were at an all time low after this event, but sales of Leenex rose drastically.
Due to a tie, Cactus Jack and the Dude both showed up at ringside. Ironically enough, they had worn the same outfit, and battled it out. After Dude Love was polished off via a barbed wire baseball bat, Carlito pulled out Mister Socko, KO-ing the Hardcore legend with an apple--Wrapped around a sledgehammer.
The fans spoke, and Stone Cold faced the Coach in a verbal debate. In a surprise twist, the Coach was schooled by Austin's impressive knowledge of foreign domestic policies and the effects of globalisation.
After the match, JR was brought out from the back, only to slip on the remains of Dude Love, cracking his skull open on the ring. We wish the best to JR, and hope he awakens from his coma soon.
Ric Flair v Triple H suffered from a surprise twist, as the fans scored an unprecedented write-in victory, making the match a "Sodomy match." Triple H looked to have the early win, but was unable to make the sledgehammer fit. Ric Flair pulled a "come from behind" victory, managing to slip his dentures up Triple H's tights, getting the victory and retaining the title "Dirtiest player in the game."
Edge and Masters beat Hardcore Holly and Matt Hardy, though Smackdown got the final laugh, as Eddie Guerrerro stole Edge's briefcase, giving it to Randy Orton. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, though small children should not be allowed to watch this segment.
Kane defeats John Cena in an unexpected twist. Apparently, the "Five Knuckle Shuffle" causes blindness. Kane celebrated by freestyling while spinning his new title's faceplate. This signals a new direction in the Kane character, as emo Kane is out, and the Wigger Machine is in.
The Undertaker is scheduled to return this week. Randy Orton, tired of losing to a zombie, kidnapped his puppy and if Taker didn't learn to "Roll over." Taker is expected to lose to Simon Dean on Friday, or, as my source states "The dog gets it!"
And that's all the news that's fit to fake.