Kane Knight
01-27-2006, 09:32 AM
...Right here in the Ruse Report.
To clarify matters, Vince McMahon has announced he will be taking part in the Royal Rumble, not simply announcing the numbers. It is planned that he will team up with Triple H, eliminate Shawn Michaels, and survive until the last man, only to eliminate himself, naming Hunter the #1 contender at Wrestlemania. Expect cameos by the McMahon family: Stephanie as the Timekeeper, Shane as the ref, and Linda as the beard.
Wrestlemania 23: Wrestlemania goes Springfield! The WWE has announced a never before attempted feat-WWE wrestlers will step into the ring with TV's The Simpsons. It may seem improbable, but already the WWE and the legal team behind the Simpsons have ironed out an agreement and a potential card, including:
The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels vs Homer Simpson: Combover match.
Ric Flair and Road Warrior Animal vs Abe "Grandpa" Simpson and Moleman: Tag Team LAst Man Standing match
"The Dead Man," The Undertaker vs "The 'I think he's dead, man,' " C. Montgommery Burns, Buried alive. This one should be interesting, as no doctor can actually call Burns "alive." Expect the real story to be the fight between their managers, Paul Bearer and Smithers. Expect to hear many cheers for "Boooooourns" in this match.
The Legend Killer, Randy Orton, vs Bart Simpson: This isn't strictly a match, but a competition to see who can get more of the undercard to quit. Hardcore Holly will judge.
Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs Bumblebee man, costume match. If Bumblebee Man wins, Rey Mysterio must go back to dressing like a normal 10 year old.
Jim "The Hoss" Ross vs Comic Book Guy: a Hog-Tie-'n-Grease match
Not strictly a Simpsons match, but expect Big Show to wrestle one of the Amazons from Futurama, in a Snoo Snoo match on Heat.
Expect Trevor Murdoch to start up a stable of redneck homophobes to counter the Spirit Squad. Current working title for the faction? The Cock Blockers. Expect a lot of sexual tension, as "Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other."
AJ Styles is being actively courted by the WWE, in an attempt to steal away the man most synonymous with TNA wrestling (In a positive fashion, anyway).
Further, WWE has filed papers against TNA, claiming they own the trademark to the chant "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Abyss!" Evidently, it was a childhood name of Stephanie McMahon.
Ric Flair is wanted by the law again, this time for violating a public breastfeeding law in Florida. Nobody is quite sure whether he was feeding or being fed.
Gregory Helms is set to get a new Titantron entrance video. This one is said to double the production costs to a dollar.
Where is he now? Big Man Rikishi has just entered the Guiness Book of World Records for most hot dogs eaten. The last guy in the wrestling business to even come close to swallowing that many weiners? You guessed it: Jim Ross.
Combining two wrestlemania traditions, WWE has announced that Triple H's Theme performed by Motorhead will be the official song of Wrestlemania 22. When asked for comment, Triple H said "[Lemmy] assured me that he can get the lyrics right this time, so why not give him another shot? What else are we going to do with the extra time?"
Motorhead could be reached for comment, but none of what they said was legible.
Mark Henry has been returned to OVW for an image tune up. Where this leaves MNM is uncertain, but their opponents can feel safer.
By all means, avoid Brock Lesnar's new biography, Wrestling is fake. Several insiders have dismissed it as nothing but sour grapes. I have not read the bokk, but exerpts sent to the Ruse Report indicate he makes claims about the use of steroids, a process known as "Blading," and even goes as far as to claim that someone dictates the winners and losers.
Also available in eBook, but you have to order it directly from Brock's website, and nobody's been willing to e-mail their name and shipping address to him yet.
And that's all for this week.
The Ruse Report: Fake news for the Real World.
www.RuseReport.com
To clarify matters, Vince McMahon has announced he will be taking part in the Royal Rumble, not simply announcing the numbers. It is planned that he will team up with Triple H, eliminate Shawn Michaels, and survive until the last man, only to eliminate himself, naming Hunter the #1 contender at Wrestlemania. Expect cameos by the McMahon family: Stephanie as the Timekeeper, Shane as the ref, and Linda as the beard.
Wrestlemania 23: Wrestlemania goes Springfield! The WWE has announced a never before attempted feat-WWE wrestlers will step into the ring with TV's The Simpsons. It may seem improbable, but already the WWE and the legal team behind the Simpsons have ironed out an agreement and a potential card, including:
The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels vs Homer Simpson: Combover match.
Ric Flair and Road Warrior Animal vs Abe "Grandpa" Simpson and Moleman: Tag Team LAst Man Standing match
"The Dead Man," The Undertaker vs "The 'I think he's dead, man,' " C. Montgommery Burns, Buried alive. This one should be interesting, as no doctor can actually call Burns "alive." Expect the real story to be the fight between their managers, Paul Bearer and Smithers. Expect to hear many cheers for "Boooooourns" in this match.
The Legend Killer, Randy Orton, vs Bart Simpson: This isn't strictly a match, but a competition to see who can get more of the undercard to quit. Hardcore Holly will judge.
Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs Bumblebee man, costume match. If Bumblebee Man wins, Rey Mysterio must go back to dressing like a normal 10 year old.
Jim "The Hoss" Ross vs Comic Book Guy: a Hog-Tie-'n-Grease match
Not strictly a Simpsons match, but expect Big Show to wrestle one of the Amazons from Futurama, in a Snoo Snoo match on Heat.
Expect Trevor Murdoch to start up a stable of redneck homophobes to counter the Spirit Squad. Current working title for the faction? The Cock Blockers. Expect a lot of sexual tension, as "Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other."
AJ Styles is being actively courted by the WWE, in an attempt to steal away the man most synonymous with TNA wrestling (In a positive fashion, anyway).
Further, WWE has filed papers against TNA, claiming they own the trademark to the chant "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Abyss!" Evidently, it was a childhood name of Stephanie McMahon.
Ric Flair is wanted by the law again, this time for violating a public breastfeeding law in Florida. Nobody is quite sure whether he was feeding or being fed.
Gregory Helms is set to get a new Titantron entrance video. This one is said to double the production costs to a dollar.
Where is he now? Big Man Rikishi has just entered the Guiness Book of World Records for most hot dogs eaten. The last guy in the wrestling business to even come close to swallowing that many weiners? You guessed it: Jim Ross.
Combining two wrestlemania traditions, WWE has announced that Triple H's Theme performed by Motorhead will be the official song of Wrestlemania 22. When asked for comment, Triple H said "[Lemmy] assured me that he can get the lyrics right this time, so why not give him another shot? What else are we going to do with the extra time?"
Motorhead could be reached for comment, but none of what they said was legible.
Mark Henry has been returned to OVW for an image tune up. Where this leaves MNM is uncertain, but their opponents can feel safer.
By all means, avoid Brock Lesnar's new biography, Wrestling is fake. Several insiders have dismissed it as nothing but sour grapes. I have not read the bokk, but exerpts sent to the Ruse Report indicate he makes claims about the use of steroids, a process known as "Blading," and even goes as far as to claim that someone dictates the winners and losers.
Also available in eBook, but you have to order it directly from Brock's website, and nobody's been willing to e-mail their name and shipping address to him yet.
And that's all for this week.
The Ruse Report: Fake news for the Real World.
www.RuseReport.com