Woeful Writers Extraordinaire: a W.W.E. Soap Opera [Season 1 Episode 6 Posted]

[Corkscrewed]

No need for a long intro. Members who've been around long enough know that this is one of my rare spoofs. New members will get it as they read. If I have time, I might actually expand this into a series.

The goal is to make this more entertaining than actual current WWE programming. That won't be too hard, and I can actually make that statement and not be boasting because the shows are that lackadaisical right now.




WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1

Fade into WWE Champion John Cena sitting at a desk in his lavishly decorated and totally hi-tech personal locker room. He holds his prized spinning belt and grins with satisfaction.

CENA: Ahhhhh yes... another pay-per-view, another triumphant victory by the master manipulator, John Cena! That Umaga sure got buried by me. And as well he should, because no one messes with the Marine. No one messes with the One Man Army. And no one messes with the PROTOTYPE!!!

Cena pauses momentarily.

CENA: Scratch that last one.

He lounges back.

CENA: Ah, if only my adoring public knew the truth. If only they knew that I pulled the strings around here. Everyone thinks I'm a nice guy and a team player... if only they knew the backstage politician I really am. Even the smarks would shit a brick. Ha! They may hate me, but even they blame the writers.

Cena sinks even lower in his chair.

CENA: But they'll never find out. Not even the internet wrestling community will know my true nature as backstage cancer!!! Isn't that right, Dave Metzer?

Dave emerges from under the desk, lips dripping with milky liquid.

METZER: Um hmm.. you da man!

CENA: Did I say you could talk?

METZER: You just asked me a question!

CENA: Get back under the desk and finish your business.

METZER: Yes, sir.

Dave retreats back into the confines of the desk as Cena looks up dreamily and smiles.

CENA: Oh yeah... oh yeah... chain bang motha fucka!!!!

Abruptly, there is a knock on the door.

VOICE: Master Cena, Master Levesque wishes to speak with you, sir!

CENA: Let him in!!

BEHOLD THE KING!!!


THE KING OF KINGS!!!


Flashy pyro and swirling smoke fill the room as Triple H makes his triumphant entry into the lockerroom, hobbling in majestically on a pair of crutches.

CENA: (coughing) Do you really have to have your entrance music and pyros played everywhere you go??

HHH: (chuckling) Hey, you're the one who asked for this swanky lockerroom, complete with full home theater and all special effects. Was a matter of time before someone else used it.

CENA: (putting up a fake smile) Ha. You got me! What can I do you for?

HHH: I just wanted to stop by and let you know we'll be meeting at 4:00 to discuss the superstars we're burying. It'll be at my office. Just you and me.

CENA: .... but it's just you and me right now. Why can't we do it here and now?

TRIPLE H: Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. My boy! Someday, you'll realize how the corporate world works. If you keep at it, I'll even let you be my right-hand man when Vince gives the reigns of the company to me! :lol:

CENA: :roll:

HHH: Besides, I wouldn't want to interrupt your little shlong massage from Metzer. ;)

CENA: :mad:

HHH: Cya at four, tiger.

Triple H hobbles out of the lockerroom leaving Cena fuming.

CENA: Fucking Paul Levesque. He thinks he's so special, fucking the boss' daughter. He'd shit a brick if he knew that Aurora was....









MY BABY!!!!

***DUM DUM DUUUMMMM!!!!!!***

CENA: He's gonna be hella surprised when Stephanie makes ME chairman the day Vince croaks. Muahahahahaha!!!

METZER: (reappearing from under the desk) 'Hella?' Are you from NorCal??

CENA: Ess Tee Eff You!!

Cut to Triple H hobbling down the hallway. He's joined by his good friend, Ric Flair.

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Howya doin' champ!!! I hear you're ahead of schedule in rehab! You're amazing baby!!! Best ever!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

HHH: I know.

FLAIR: So whatcha been up to????

HHH: Just told Cena about the 4:00 jobber burial meeting. God I hate that punk.

FLAIR: C.M.????

HHH: No! Cena!! He thinks that just because he's the apple of Vince's eye, he's all that. He doesn't know how hard I had to work in my early years of politicking. I FUCKING JOBBED TO ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INTERNET FANS MAKE FUN OF ME FOR THAT????

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUCK THE INTERNET FANS!! THEY THINK THEY KNOW ALL THAT AND THEY'RE INSIDERS, BUT THEY'RE NOTHING MORE THAN PIECES OF SHIT!!! THEY DON'T KNOW THE BUSINESS, AND THEY NEVER WILL!!! THEY'RE JUST 12 YEAR OLD GEEKY FUCKTWATS WHO FUCKING MASTURBATE OVER PICTURES OF JANET RENO AND THINK THAT THEIR BEST FRIEND'S MOMS ARE THE HOTTEST BITCHES EVER!!! FUCK THEM!!! I FUCK THEIR BEST FRIENDS' MOMS!!! SPACE MOUNTAIN BABY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HHH: (continuing as though Flair hadn't said anything) Cena comes in and gets handed a platter. He never paid his politicking dues!!!

HARDCORE HOLLY: (stepping in out of nowhere) DAMN!!

Triple H and Flair both look at Holly blankly.

HARDCORE HOLLY: Sorry. Ron Simmons is gone today. I mean--YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT CENA DIDN'T PAY HIS DUES!!!! FUCK HIM!!

Hunter and Flair continue walking.

HHH: This was gonna be my year. MY YEAR! But I had to get a fucking quad injury. On my OTHER quad. Dammit, what in the world did I deserve to get such bad luck??

***FLASHBACK***
In the swampy jungles somewhere in the Caribbean, a man meets with a local soothsayer.

TIA DALMA: To get what joo want, joo must sail to der end of der world, and retreive der magic dat lies dere...

BRET HART: And if I do that, bad things will happen to every member of The Kliq several years from now?

TIA DALMA: Yessssss... but ferst, joo must hav a guide... one who hess been to all dee places....

A familiar step comes down some wooden stairs. Bret looks up at the figure, who turns out to be...






Stu Hart.

BRET: Dad? But you're dead!!

STU: Dammit, son! It's 1998 and this is a flashback!! I'm not dead yet!!!

BRET: Sorry.

Back to Triple H and Flair.

HHH: Anyway... I don't know. But if it wasn't for this stupid quad, I would have been champ at Wrestlemania. Fucking quads...

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HHH: But don't worry. Cena's going to have a surprise at four. Oh yes... he's going to have a tremendous surprise... heheheheheh...

Cut back to Cena's lockerroom, where Cena is smoking one of Estrada's cigars as he watches Metzer take a shower.

CENA: So... Triple H wants to do things his way and have the meeting at his lockerroom at four, eh? Well, he's going to have a tremendous surprise... heheheheheh....

TO BE CONTINUED... (hopefully)

[Funky Fly]

I love you.

[Anybody Thrilla]

Is this funny? I don't want to read it unless it's funny.

[rob11]

*****

[owenbrown]

Blah, Blah, Blah.... must spread rep before giving it to Corkscrewed again. :p

[Corkscrewed]

Is this funny? I don't want to read it unless it's funny.

It's terrible.

[Corkscrewed]

WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 2

Batista is shown in the WWE Cafeteria area, scarfing down three trays of food. Finlay is sitting there with him.

BATISTA: Ummm... yum yum... hey Finlay, you should really try these mesquite barbequed California condor wings. They're delicious!!

FINLAY: Condor wings?! Aren't condors an endangered species?!

BATISTA: (growing quiet) Keep this hush hush, but uh... I got a guy.

FINLAY: Ohh.... say man. How do you keep yourself in such great shape, even though you eat more than Mark Henry?

At that moment, Mark Henry lumbers by.

HENRY: I RESENT THAT!! Hey, wait a minute, is that a baby?

He spots Little Bastard rummaging in a nearby trash can. In one swift motion, he picks him up by the head and devours the squealing leprachaun whole, as Batista and Finlay look on in shock.

HENRY: Mmmmm... nothing like baby back ribs. Who says adults can't have kid's meals? :lol: :lol:

Henry pats his belly and continues walking. Meanwhile, Dave deposits his lunch onto Finlay's shirt.

BATISTA: BLLLLLEEEEEEEEGGHGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

FINLAY: :eek:

BATISTA: (wiping his mouth) To answer your question... I'm bulemic.

FINLAY: Oh. Fuck, now I gotta get myself cleaned up.

BATISTA: Sorry man. Hey, that doesn't mean my push is gone, does it? I'll buy you a new shirt.

FINLAY: Don't worry my boy. You've paid your dues.

BATISTA: :cool:

Finlay gets up and heads toward the regular lockerroom to clean up. On the way, he passes C.M. Punk, who is engaged in a discussion with Kenny Dykstra.

FINLAY: Oh hey, Punk. (chuckles to himself) I love how I can call you that and you can't get mad even then I really am insulting you. Anyway, you got the memo about your match change for the next ECW taping, right?

CM: (suspiciously) No.... what change?

FINLAY: Well, apparently, there was a glitch in your standing at the Rumble match. You were supposed to be in for only thirty seconds, not thirty minutes. I guess someone put the decimal in the wrong place, but it's okay, because to make up for it, we're jobbing you clean to Mike Knox.

CM: WHAT???? I thought he got fired!!

FINLAY: Oh, he will be, but not until after the show. In fact, that reminds me to tell him that. I'll let him know just before you match, so that he can professionally channel his disappointment into a great match with you. Catchya later, sport!

Finlay walks off briskly as CM stands there, shocked.

CM: (turning back to Dykstra) Can you believe that jerk? I'm the most over wrestler in this company, and they're gonna job me out to a guy they're firing tomorrow!!

KENNY: Yeah, well, that sucks. But at least you don't wear bright pink wrestling trunks that are so loud Mick Foley can hear them out of his missing ear.

CM: Heh. Man, this because I'm straight edge. No drugs, no booze, no sex.

KENNY: Wait, but you're totally fucking Maria. What do you mean no sex?

CM: I meant with other men. Hence the STRAIGHT part. Duhhhhhh.

KENNY: Oh, right....

CM: You're right though. Knowing I get to go home with that hot piece of ass makes everything better. :naughty:

KENNY: Yeah. I feel the same way about Mickie.

CM: She's pretty hot too. But not as hot as Maria.

KENNY: Take that back!!

CM: Hey man, I'm just saying. Mickie's been in porn. Maria really is sweet and charming and innocent. Or well... she was... before she met me... ;) ;) And she still has a tight pussy.

KENNY: :mad: :mad: Hey man. Mickie James has a better rack.

CM: Tight pussy!

KENNY: Better rack!!

CM: TIGHT PUSSY!!!

KENNY: BETTER RACK!!!

Suddenly, the two go at it, tumbling to the ground and pulling at each other's hair.

CM: TIGHT PUSSY!!

KENNY: BETTER RACK!!!

Punk hurls Kenny into a table full of pies, then launches himself at Kenny and through the table. The two stumble through several other pieces of furniture, smearing cream everywhere, before smashing into the fire alarm.

CM: TIGHT PUSSY!!

KENNY: BETTER RACK!!!

This triggers the sprinklers, which shower Punk and Dykstra with water. Suddenly, everything goes to slow motion as the two engage in several homoerotic wrestling moves. Pan to Ric Flair and Triple H staring on by the doorway in shock.

HHH: I told you that CM Punk was a queer. And they thought he'd be the next me.

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nobody can be the next you baby!! You're marvelous! Fantastic! Amazing! Superhuman!!!!

HHH: I know. :lol: Hey, lets get to my office. It's almost four and I have my meeting with Cena.

The two walk to Hunter's office (well, Triple H hobbles). Once inside, Helmsley makes a motion to his friend.

HHH: It's supposed to be just me and Cena, so he can't know you're sticking around. Why don't you hide behind that big flabby curtain over to blend in.

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SPYING AND PROFILING!!! YEAH BABY!!! SUPER NAITCH WILL BE WATCHING SECRETLY!!!

HHH: And for Vince's sake, keep it quiet while you're behind there! We don't want John knowing anything!!

FLAIR: Woooooo...

HHH: Quiet.

FLAIR: Wooo....

HHH: (sighing) Good enough. Now go!

Flair hustles behind the curtain just as there's a knock on the door.

HHH: Enter!

Cena saunters in with his belt on his shoulder.

HHH: Have a seat, John. Want anything to drink?

CENA: I'm cool. The devotion of my loving teenage girl fans on MySpace is enough to quench my thirst and keep me going.

HHH: Um... okay... Anyway, Pops and I were discussing who you could bury next, and we came up with a really great list. You'll love it. In fact, I think you'll find it a pleasant... SURPRISE. :D

CENA: Surprise, eh? I like surprises. So what is it?

HHH: Well, why don't you open up that closet door and see....?

TO BE CONTINUED...

[El Fangel]

Cliffhanger *ugh* Awesome though :y:

[Corkscrewed]

Hence the use of the descriptor "Soap Opera" :p :p

[Shadow]

NOT A CLIFFHANGER!

[owenbrown]

Flair needs to stop YELLING SO MUCH! :shifty:

[RottingFreak]

:y: KEEP IT UP. this is greatness1

[Corkscrewed]

WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 3

When we last left off, John Cena was in a "private" meeting with Triple H and about to find out his surprise behind the closet door.

CENA: I wonder what's behind door number one??

With a swift yank, he pulls the door open. A crazed figure charges out holding a dagger, snarling and screaming.

LESNAR: INTERNET!!! KILL!!!! INTERNET!!! SMASH!!!

Unfortunately, he completely misses Cena with the knife and crashes into the curtain, plunging the dagger into a large hunk of flab. A moment later, Ric Flair tumbles toward the ground.

FLAIR: What, ho! Help! Help! Help! O! I am slain!

HHH: Oh my gawd!!! You killed Naitchy!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!

CENA: (ignoring HHH and turning to Lesnar) Yo man, I was like five feet away from the closet and you totally missed me!! :lol:

LESNAR: So this is why I got cut from the Vikings. :'(

HHH: ....dammit, Brock, you lumbering oaf! Go finish your job before I send you back to Geek Academy!!

LESNAR: NO!!! Anywhere but there!!!! They... they threw nuts at me!!!

Lesnar suddenly undergoes a mental transformation and starts snarling again. He charges Cena a second time, but just before he collides into the WWE Champ, Cena puts his right hand in front of his face and waves it.

CENA: YOU CAN'T SEE ME!!!

Lesnar comes to an abrupt halt and looks around, dazed and confused.

LESNAR: Where'd you go?? DAMMIT, WHERE'D YOU GO???? SHOW YOURSELF YOU LITTLE COWARD!!

HHH: (slapping his forehead and shaking his head) I don't believe this.

CENA: :lol: Nice try, Trips, but I gotta surprise of my own. In fact, he's gonna be here any moment.

Suddenly, a person crashes through the window and onto the floor. He writhes around in pain as both Triple H and Cena look on.

HHH: :rofl: That's it? Marty Janetty?

CENA: Marty Janetty??? What the hell?? That wasn't who I was talking about!!

Shawn Michaels walks by.

HBK: Whoops. Sorry guys. He jumped.

Janetty crawls out of the room as Cena and Triple H resume their standoff and Lesnar shuffles around in the corner, clawing at the air.

CENA: Anyway. MY surprise is... GOLDBERG!!!!

Suddenly, Goldberg's intimidating music hits. From the other closet, sparks shoot out, and the door blows open. Out of the closet steps the former football player, Bill Goldberg. He does his trademark entry pose, but slips on the carpet and falls on his butt after the second kick.

HHH: :lol: You came out of the closet and landed on your ASS!!!

GOLDBERG: (quickly getting up and brushing himself off) Don't you call me gay!!! RRROOOAAARRR!!!!

From outside the other window, an aged hippy walks by.

WARRIOR: That's right! Queering don't make the world go round!!!

HHH: Oh shit! Not him!!

The distraction is enough to allow Goldberg to charge Triple H. However, The Game quickly traps Goldberg in a headlock and starts pummelling his face, Nolan Ryan-style.

HHH: I learned this move from Chris Jericho. Turns out the loser was helpful in something! :lol: HEY LESNAR!! Help me get rid of this guy!

Lesnar snaps out of his daze and rushes over to grab Goldberg away and administer a beatdown. He's about to level the attacker with a huge fist when Goldberg and Lesnar suddenly lock eyes.

LESNAR: Goldberg?!

GOLDBERG: B--B--Brock? Brock Lesnar?! Is it really you??

LESNAR: It's been a long time.

GOLDBERG: Yes. Too long.

LESNAR: I've missed you.

GOLDBERG: I've missed you too.

Triple H and Cena look on, disgusted.

HHH: :eek:

CENA: :eek:

Lesnar and Goldberg embrace.

LESNAR: I was wrong to call you names that night after our match.

GOLDBERG: And I was wrong to yell at you.

LESNAR: Lets never fight again.

GOLDBERG: Shhh shh shh shh shh shhhhhh... don't speak.

Their lips meet, and the two fling themselves at each other with lustful passion. They spiral into the second closet and close the door.

CENA: ...................

HHH: .....................

CENA: Yeah...

HHH: Um... yeah...

CENA: Fuck that. Truce?

HHH: For today.

CENA: Alright. I'm outta here. I have a 5:00 meeting to fuck your wife.

HHH: What?

CENA: I said I have a 5:00 meeting to discuss my life.

HHH: ...

CENA: I'm seeing a shrink. For um... what I just saw here.

HHH: Okay, I'll go with that. Bitch.

Cena walks out of the office. Triple H surveys the damage.

HHH: Wow, what a mess. Someone needs to clean this up... KEVIN!!!!

ECW's Resident Vampire appears out of nowhere.

THORN: What is your bidding?

HHH: Naitch is gonna totally stain the carpet with all that blood. Take care of it for me?

THORN: Of course....

Kevin Thorn bends down as Triple H leaves. There's an audible slurping sound as Hunter exits.

HHH: (offscreen) Dammit, Kevin, I meant drink his blood!!!! Geez, this place is filled with queers.

RON SIMMONS: (stepping into the scene) DA--

HHH: Shut up.

RON SIMMONS: :( Sorry.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[El Fangel]

:rofl: This shit is pure fucking gold :lol:

[Corkscrewed]

How can it be poor and gold at the same time? :?:

(Thanks for the compliments.)

BTW, first to pick out the famous literature reference in EP 3 gets a rep, unless I can't rep him at the moment.

[Blitz]

Hamlet, of course.

Keep up the good work Cork.

[El Fangel]

Oops meant pure :lol:, and yes good work keep it up yes.

[Funky Fly]

Hamlet, baby.

[owenbrown]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[RGWhat316]

LOL, these are awesome.

[Shadow]

Damn it! I got here too late.

[Corkscrewed]

WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 4

The scene is South Beach in Miami, where the sun is bright, the girls are hot, and the city is full of energy. Carlito reclines on a lounge chair, staring at the ocean.

CARLITO: You know this? This... is cool. The water is cool. The drinks are cool. Carlito is cool. But the mamas... they're hottttt.

SUPER CRAZY: Why do you say "Cool" so much? That's not even your character anymore. In fact, it makes you sound CRAZY. SUPER CRRRRRRRAZY!!!!

CARLITO: Carlito lives in an alternate universe where Carlito is world champion and gets to teabag anyone named McMahon.

SUPER CRAZY: You know who I'd teabag? Linda McMahon. She's loco in the sack. And that means she's CRAZY!!! SUPER CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAZY!!!

Suddenly, the phone rings.

CARLITO: Hello? Speaking. Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. Cool. Carlito will see you tonight. Yes, that will be cool. Cool? Okay, cool.

SUPER CRAZY: Who was that? Was it someone CRAZY???

CARLITO: Carlito ain't saying nothing. But Carlito will tell you that Carlito is working with the enemy.

SUPER CRAZY: CUBA?!?! :eek:

CARLITO: No, cholo. Carlito means...

He glances around to see if anyone is listening, then lowers his voice to a whisper.

CARLITO: The T... N... A....

SUPER CRAZY: WHAT??? THAT IS SUPER DUPER KAPLUPER CRAZY!!!!

CARLITO: Shhh!!! Stop being so loud! It's not cool!

SUPER CRAZY: Kapluper crazy!!!!

CARLITO: Hey, but you won't tell Vince, no? Carlito's got a big stake, and when everything goes down, Carlito will have mucho power. It's Carlito's Way. Carlito will make you his lieutenant if you keep your mouth shut.

SUPER CRAZY: I will!!! But you must promise that in TNA--

CARLITO: Shhh!!!

SUPER CRAZY: Tee.. Enn... Ay... I can do all the super crazy moves I want!! Because I'm--

CARLITO: Carlito knows. Super crazy. Yes. It's a deal.

SUPER CRAZY: Yes!!!!

CARLITO: But remember what Carlito said about being quiet. You can't tell--oh shit. Carlito sees La Slutina Blondie coming. Hide me!!!

Carlito crawls behind an oversized cooler next to Super Crazy as Torrie Wilson comes bounding up with her dog, Chloe.

TORRIE: Hi Super Crazy!!! Have you seen my darling snookie poo, Carlito? I want to tell him about wonderful morning!!! (turning her attention to Chloe) Yes I did have a wonderful morning! Oh yes I did!! Didn't mommy have a wonderful morning?? It was wuvly!!!

CARLITO: (quietly to himself) Please don't tell her where I am. Please don't tell her where I am.

SUPER CRAZY: Carlito's behind that cooler.

CARLITO: Shit! (quickly standing up) Torrie!!! Hi! How are you? Carlito was... um... just looking for his contacts.

TORRIE: But you don't wear contacts.

CARLITO: Carlito means apple. Carlito was just looking for his apple, which he dropped... oh but, Carlito found a Corona instead. Haha! Carlito will drink it!

Carlito untwists the cap off the bottle and proceeds to chug as quickly as he can, or at least as quickly as a bottle will allow him.

TORRIE: Oh you silly honey bunny! That why I love you! I love how you refer to yourself in the third person, and how you're so cool, and how you've got the cutest little bottom!!

SUPER CRAZY: (to himself as he back away) Wow, La Slutina Blondie is too super crazy, even for me! And I'm SUPER!!

A random crowd walks by.

CROWD: CRAAAAAZY!!!

Super Crazy looks back, grins, then dashes away. Meanwhile, Torrie gets herself nice and intimate with a squirming Carlito, who is looking for any excuse to run away.

TORRIE: I had a great time last night, Carlito! It was a magical dinner, and a magical evening, and the sex! It was soooooo magical!!! I love you!!! :love: :love: :love:

CARLITO: Heh heh heh heh... Torrie... dear... Carlito has told you. Carlito and you are only in a storyline on TV. You're not really Carlito's girl in real life.

TORRIE: Nonsense!! That's not what you were saying last night when you had me in that--what do you call that position?

CARLITO: The Apple Turnover.

TORRIE: Oh yes!!! The Apple Turnover!! You turned me over and over and over again!!! Yes! YES!! YES!!!!

Torrie presses herself firmly and passionately onto Carlito, who clearly does not want to be here. In the process, Chloe gets trapped between Torrie's bosom and lets out a yelp.

TORRIE: Oh Carlito! I can tell by that little yelp that you want me as much as I want you!! Lets go back to my hotel room and I'll show you my other puppies!!!

CARLITO: No! Wait! Heeeeeelp!!!

Carlito struggles as Torrie grabs him by the ear and leads him away from the beach and back to her hotel room. From a distance, Victoria and Val Venis watch in amusement.

VICTORIA: That Torrie. She's such a slut.

VAL: Yeah. I mean, I hit her up at least sixty times during my porno gimmick days.

VICTORIA: You... still are IN your porno gimmick days.

VAL: Don't remind me. :'(

VICTORIA: Sorry. But at least you're not one half of your entire division. I mean, seriously. I've been in the company for what? Seven years? And those stupid writers always job me out to stupid tramps like Candace Michelle or Melina. What the hell??? Sometimes, I wish I could really go psycho bitch on them. Just to show them how it feels.

At that moment, a palm tree tiptoes over to the two.

PALM TREE: Pssst!!! Over here!

VAL: Oh shit dude...ette... I gotta stop stealing from RVD's stash. I could swear that tree's talking to us.

On cue, Matt Hardy pokes his head from behind the tree.

MATT: Hey! It's just me! I'm just incognito. Shhhhhh...

VICTORIA: Okay!! :roll:

MATT: Vic, if you really want to do something about it, you should vent on the internet. Tell the fans about how everything is unfair. Maybe even get your boyfriend to cheat on you. Four months later, you'll be feuding in a big time angle!!

VICTORIA: Like... you did?

MATT: Yeah! It totally works!!

VICTORIA: But you're buried in midcard hell right now.

MATT: Heyyy... it's just part of the Master Plan. You may THINK that I'm getting buried, but my legions of Mattitude Followers would certainly disagree. It's all about playing your cards right. Just watch. You'll see me on top pretty soon...

VICTORIA: O...kay...

MATT: Speaking of on top, you want to have sex tonight? Ashley broke up with me. I think. I can't seem to tell, but she hasn't talked to me for about six months. But I always seem to be interrupting her while she's busy with important matters. Like that one time I saw her checking Vince's thigh bruise personally and doing some weird rhythmic massage to it with her mouth. She said she learned that from like, the Nepalese Emo Tribe or something.

VICTORIA: Please go away.

MATT: Sometimes I feel like she's tuning me out when I talk about things, but that's impossible right? Because she's my girl. We're perfect for each other. I have a web site. She has a MySpace. I like girls whose names start with an 'A.' Her name starts with an 'A.' See? We're perfect!

VICTORIA: Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh. I told you that bitch was crazy!!

SUPER CRAZY: (popping in) SUPER CRRRRAAAAAAZY!!!!!

MATT: Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm gonna go leave Ashley another voicemail. Hopefully she doesn't get it mixed up with the other eighty five I've left today. See ya!

Matt disappears back behind the palm tree, which promptly begins scuttering away.

VICTORIA: Man, what a creep. Don't you think he should be fired for good Val? Val?

Val Venis returns with a towel wrapped around him looking very smug.

VICTORIA: Did you just shoot another porn flick???

VAL: Hey. Company rules say we gotta stay in kayfabe when we're in public. Besides, my bitch today was totally tight!!

SHANNON MOORE: Thanks babe! Kisses!!!

VICTORIA: :eek:

VAL: .....what?

VICTORIA: I... I... I didn't know you... swung that way.

VAL: What do you mean? She was hot!! A little butch, but that's what so kinky! :naughty:

VICTORIA: Um... Val... Shannon Moore is a guy.

VAL: ....

VICTORIA: :yes:

VAL: Oh ha ha! I get it! Lets pull a quick one over Val today!! :lol: Good one, Vic. You're funny!

At that moment, Jilian Hall plops down and joins the two.

JILIAN: Hey Vic. Hey Val. What's going on?

VICTORIA: Val just fucked Shannon Moore in his latest porn flick.

JILIAN: Oh, I didn't know you liked guys!

VAL: .... you're kidding me... right? Right ladies?

VICTORIA: Nope.

JILIAN: Kidding about what?

VAL: ............... gaahhhhhhh!!!!! And I have a phone number, personal photos... everything!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!

Val jumps up pulling at what would be his hair if it was longer. He runs into the water plunges in. And keeps on swimming away into the distance.

VICTORIA: Well, that was fun.

JILIAN: Hey, you wanna make out?

VICTORIA: Sure. But later, when the smarks aren't watching.

EVERY TPWW MEMBER: Awwwwwww... :(

JILIAN: Say, isn't that Wayne Brady over there? Man, he sure looks buff!

VICTORIA: I love Wayne Brady! Lets to see if we can get autographs!

JILIAN: Okay!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[PorkSoda]

What does it mean to "pummel someones face, Nolan Ryan-style?"

[Jeritron]

Nolan Ryan handed Robin Venturas ass to him. He got him in a headlock and beat down his face. A pitcher destroyed a 3rd baseman, who ran at him looking for the fight. This is what legends are made of.

[The Fugitive]

Nice Family Guy reference in the last episode. :)

[Corkscrewed]

Nolan Ryan handed Robin Venturas ass to him. He got him in a headlock and beat down his face. A pitcher destroyed a 3rd baseman, who ran at him looking for the fight. This is what legends are made of.
Yup. It's also what Jericho reportedly did to Goldberg in their fight a few years ago. :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92gmSTUK29s
The Ryan/Ventura one is at 2:54. Also, check out Mo Vaughn with an amazing POOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUNNNNNCE!!!!! at about 0:40. In other news, Chan Ho Park busts out an enziguri at 1:24.

[Corkscrewed]

WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 5

Where we last left off, Victoria and Jillian Hall were going to meet Wayne Brady.

VICTORIA: Oh my gawd, Wayne Brady! I loved you in Whose Line--

JILIAN: Wait a minute, you're not Wayne Brady!!!

"Wayne Brady" turns around, revealing the ECW Champion.

LASHLEY: Uh... uh... of course I am! Watch me do a Hoe Down!

I once was on a show that didn't make much sense!
I had no character development. I just sat on the fence!
I couldn't take it so I went someplace hardcore...
Now I'm just a champ with the charisma of a door!!

JILIAN: (whispering to Victoria) Maybe he IS Wayne Brady.

VICTORIA: Jillian's right. You're not fooling anyone, Bobby. Stop tricking all of these fans and tell them the truth!

LASHLEY: No! I earn some good money with this side job! Do you know what Vince pays me???

VICTORIA: But you're ECW Champ.

LASHLEY: Yeah, but I'm still ECW. We make about $8 and hour! And since our TV show is only an hour, that means we only make $8!!! Once a week!!! I mean, this belt isn't even real!! It's chocolate!!

JILIAN: (taking a bite) Mmmm... I LOVE milk chocolate!!

LASHLEY: STOP EATING MY BELT WOMAN!! Is Bobby Lashley--I mean Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

JILIAN: :roll: Sorrrrrry!

VICTORIA: C'mon, Jil. Since this isn't really Wayne Brady, lets go do something better with our time. Like clubbing.

JILIAN: Okay, I'll be right there. I'm getting a call I have to take. Go on without me. I'll catch up.

Victoria leaves as Jilian shuffles over to a more private area to take the call. Once she makes sure no one is paying attention, she takes her phone out.

JILIAN: (in a whisper) I told you not to call me when I'm out here!

JBL: (on the other side of the line) Jilian! My old image consultant! How're ya doing?

JILIAN: I was having a good time until you decided to call me! Do you know how much trouble I can get into if people found out you and I have been....

JBL: Bangin' the stock market? Squeezing shares? Being bullish?

JILIAN: Can you stop with the sexual innuendo!!

JBL: Aw, c'mon. All the boys know!

JILIAN: They WHAT??

JBL: Yeah. Told them about it weeks ago. They think I'm luckier than than Terry Bolea was when he was chosen to get the Hulk Hogan gimmick.


VINCE: I need a talentless, simple-minded hack who can do three things over and over again with a lot of enthusiasm, but can't actually wrestle. Hmmmm.....

BOLEA: HEYA MISTER MCMAHON!! I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT I ACCIDENTALLY TORE YOUR NEWLY DRYCLEANED SUIT IN HALF AND CRUSHED YOUR PET POODLE WITH MY CALF WHEN I SLIPPED AND FELL ON IT. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD!!

VINCE: You're kidding.

BOLEA: (cupping his ear in a curiously swirly manner) WHAT'S THAT YOU SAID? TELL ME AGAIN BECAUSE I'M HARD OF HEARING, WHICH PAT PATTERSON SAYS IS WHY I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BESIDES A MILITARY PRESS SLAM!!!

VINCE: (lightbulb)

JILIAN: Dammit, I told you to keep this a secret. Now people will think I'm a slut!

JBL: Don't worry. They already thought that before I was making you suck--I mean pay-- your dues.

JILIAN: Arrrrghh.

JBL: Cya later snookums. :lol:

JBL gets off of the phone, no doubt leaving Jilian frustrated. He looks at Triple H and grins.

JBL: She's mad now, but she won't be when I'm plowing her ass tonight. :lol:

HHH: You da man, Bradshaw!

FLAIR: (appearing from behind them) WOOOO!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! BANG THE NEW BITCHES AND SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS!!! SPACE MOUNTAIN, BABY!! WOO WOO!!!!

JBL: :eek:

HHH: :eek:

FLAIR: What?

HHH: Ric! You're dead! I saw it happen when Brock Lesnar accidentally killed you!

FLAIR: SILLY HUNTER BOY! DON'T YOU KNOW THE NATURE BOY CAN'T DIE? JUST SO LONG AS A HOT CHICK SUCKS HIS DICK WHEN HE DOES DIE, HE'LL COME BACK TO LIFE. WOOO!!!! NOW WHO WAS THE HOT CHICK WHO BLEW ME BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS???

HHH: Uhhhh.... it was Kev--Candace. Candace did it.

FLAIR: OH YEAAA!!!! GO DADDY!!! GO DAD--

All of a sudden, the Great Khali walks by.

KHALI: GWWWAAARRRRGGHHHHRRRARRRHHH!!!! ** CHOP! **

Ric Flair goes down.

HHH: OH MY GAWD! YOU KILLED NAITCHY! YOU BASTARD!!

KHALI: GWWWAAARRRRGGHHHHRRRARRRHHH!!!!

Great Khali wanders away.

JBL: Shit, Hunter, you'd better call the cops or something.

HHH: Fuck that. They'll think I did it. Lets get outta here!

JBL and Triple H rush down the hallway, failing to notice Kevin Thorn lurking around the corner. After they pass, he glances out toward the lifeless Ric Flair and smirks.

THORN: It's feeding time. I enjoy eating out... :naughty: :naughty:

Meanwhile, HHH and JBL, in their haste, practically run over the the SmackDOWN Tag Champs as they walk out of their lockerroom.

HHH: Watch where you're going!

JBL: Yeah! Be more careful, you stupid catering crew schmuck!!

LONDON: But we're the tag team cha--

He thinks better of it.

LONDON: Nevermind.

JBL: (muttering to Triple H as they continue on their way) Damn primadonas act like they're champs or something. Good thing they bring good food.

London turns to his tag team partner after the big shots disappear out of sight.

LONDON: Man, what jerks. If they weren't total politickers, I'd totally beat their asses.

KENDRICK: Yeah, well, keep your temper in check. You almost let them know we were tag champs. We came this close getting a match against Undertaker and Batista next week.

LONDON: Yeah. Well, it's better they think we're nobodies, I guess. Say, what're you doing tonight?

KENDRICK: I got a hot date at 6.

LONDON: Really? Awesome! I got one too, but it's at 8.

KENDRICK: Congrats man! I tell ya. Life hasn't been the same since my girl and I started going out. She's awesome.

LONDON: Yeah, so's mine. She's a total moaner too. If you know what I mean.

KENDRICK: Haha, oh yeah! Mine too! She says it's part of that whole punk thing.

LONDON: Your girl likes punk? So does mine!

KENDRICK: Get out! See man, that's why we're a great team. We think alike, we work alike, and we have the same good taste in girls.

LONDON: Oh yeah. Frankly, the only weird thing about my gal is that she'll only go out with me on Mondays, Tuesdays Wednesdays, and Fridays.

KENDRICK: Really? That's weird. My girl only likes to go out on Satrudays, Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

LONDON: Ha! Small world.

KENDRICK: Yeah. Well, better get going. Ashley's gonna get mad if I'm late--

LONDON: :-\

KENDRICK: :|

LONDON: :eek:

KENDRICK: Um.... awk... ward...

LONDON: :rant:

KENDRICK: Look, man, I meant to tell you earlier. I know we're not supposed to date co-workers or anything, but I've been dating Ashley for the past few months.

LONDON: No. I'VE been dating Ashley for the past few months.

KENDRICK: There's that whole ethics thing about dating a co-worker, and how it's not really right, and you don't want to cross boundaries--YOU'VE WHAT?????

LONDON: C'mon, man. She's hot.

KENDRICK: I know... but... but... she said I was her main man!!!

LONDON: That's what she called me.

KENDRICK: I'll kill you!!

LONDON: FUCK YOU!!!

The two begin grappling with rage and roll along the wall, knocking various things around for several moments, before they separate.

LONDON: Wait, wait, hold on. Why are we fighting? She totally played both of us. We should be mad at HER instead!

KENDRICK: You know, you're right! This is probably what she wants us to do. Instead of fucking each other, we should go fuck her.

LONDON: Yeah! Hey, lets act normal, like nothing's wrong. We'll go to our practice later and go through our match stuff, and when she doesn't expect it... BOOM!!! Sandwich rape.

KENDRICK: I like the way you think, Paul!

LONDON: That's why we're best buds, man!

KENDRICK: Sometimes I think that if you were a girl, I'd totally date you.

LONDON: Dude. Totally crossing the line there.

KENDRICK: Sorry. Say, where IS Ashley anyway? She's supposed to be here by now.

Cut to a janitor's closet.


CENA: Oh yeah, Ashley, take that up your ass!

ASHLEY: Yes, John, give me m-m-m-more!!

CENA: Oh yeah!

ASHLEY: Yes!!

CENA: OH YEAH!

ASHLEY YES!!

CENA: OH YEAAHH!!!

ASHLEY: YESSSS!!!!

CENA: Chain bang, motha fucka!!!!!
Cut back to Kendrick and London.

LONDON: Forget about it. Hey, lets go get high with Rob Van Dam.

KENDRICK: Sounds like a date!!

LONDON: :nono:

KENDRICK: I mean a plan.

London and Kendrick head off in search of the ECW lockerroom.

[Outsider]

Fucking funny shit

[Corkscrewed]

As an attention whore, I wish more people would reply and tell me that. :lol: ;) :shifty:

[thecc]

Now I see why Kendrick was called Spanky.

[Funky Fly]

CHAIN BANG, MOTHA FUCKA!!!!!

[Corkscrewed]

Now I see why Kendrick was called Spanky.

:rofl: Good one. That didn't even occur to me! :lol:

[eazey]

This stuff is crazy

[eazey]

SUPER CRAZY!!!!!!

[Corkscrewed]

WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 6

Rob Van Dam, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Sabu are seated in a smoky room around a round table. The camera spins to each person as he speaks.

LONDON: Duuuuude... this stuff... this stuff is totally the shiiiit...

RVD: Hey man, nothing but the best for (points at self) Rob... Van...

RON SIMMONS: (popping in out of nowhere) DAMN!!!

He just as quickly disappears.

KENDRICK: Duuuude... I swear I just totally saw a black man in here. I thought Vince banned black people. Fucking negroes.

LONDON: You'll have to excuse my friend. He turns into a racist bigot ass hole when he's high.

SABU: ....

RVD: It's cool, man. Just enjoy the hash and feel the loooooove...

KENDRICK: Fuck love. The only love I'd give those primitives is some fuck love. Up their ass!!! I'd SPANKY that ass!!!

LONDON: :lol: Duuuude... you need to shut up. If the lawyers hear you, they'll like... send you to prison to be butt raped.

KENDRICK: That happened before with me and JBL.

RVD: Dude, really?

KENDRICK: YA RLY!

LONDON: NO WAI!

RVD: BUTTSECKS?

KENDRICK: HARDCORE!!!

LONDON: LIEKWOA!

SABU: ...

Suddenly, everyone turns to Sabu.

LONDON: Hey man, why don't you talk?

RVD: He doesn't like to talk. He never did. Never liked to talk at all. Especially in ECW. He was homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, piano recital...

KENDRICK: :rofl: You fucked up like a black man!!! :rofl:

LONDON: Again, I apologize for my increasingly more attractive friend here.

Suddenly, Sabu breaks down sobbing.

SABU: They made me talk!! Why oh why would they make me talk? I sounded like an idiot making a generic WWE promo!!! (sobs violently)

RVD: (giving Sabu a reassuring pat on the back) There, there, Sabu, there, there. As soon as everything's in place, we're blowing this joint wide and clean and taking it down.

He turns to Kendrick and London.

RVD: I'm not supposed to be telling anyone this, but (his voice dips to a whisper) I'm part of the conspiracy group working to help TNA take over this company!

LONDON: O RLY?

RVD: YA RLY!

KENDRICK: NO WAI!

SABU: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! That was hardly funny the first time!!!! Fuck this madness!!!!

Sabu dashes out of the lockerroom. Concerned, the other chase after him. Keeping him just barely in sight, they track him to the outside of the arena, where they find him somehow on the parapet of the roof of the arena, apparently about to jump.

RVD: No Sabu! Don't do it! Don't take the suicidal monicker literally!!!

SABU: I can't take it anymore!!! I just can't!!

RVD: Just hold on for a little while longer!!! Just hold on buddy!!

Rob motions to himself out of frustration.

RVD: Dammit, weed's supposed to make him chill and relaxed. How'd he get so whipped up???

KENDRICK: (motioning to London) We'd better get out of here before Rob realizes I laced Sabu's portion with meth.

LONDON: :eek: Brian, you're a bastard, you know that?

KENDRICK: (shrugging) Isn't he like 2% black?

LONDON: Oh will you stop it!!

London and Kendrick run back into the building. They plow Layla and Kristal over in their haste, but being gentlemen, help them back up until Kendrick realizes who they are and promptly drops Layla back on her ass.

KENDRICK: Hell no ain't no way I'm carrying a black woman!!!

LONDON: Sorry about Brian. He's high. Becomes racist bigot. Totally apologize for him. Don't listen to him. Where've you two been?

LAYLA: Um...

KRISTAL: Well....


Flashback to Five Minutes Earlier.

CENA: Oh yeah, Oreo sammich, bitches! Or should I say... WHOREO SAMMICH!!! :rofl:

LAYLA: Yeah, John, gimme!

KRISTAL: Oh yes! Oh yes!! OH YESS!!!!

CENA: CHAIN BANG MOTHA FUCKA!!!!

LAYLA: Helping with physical therapy. Um, gotta go!

KRISTAL: Ya kthnxbye!

LONDON: What's with all the internetspeak tonight? Now that my buzz is wearing off, it's just getting weird.

KENDRICK: Make love to me, Pauly Wally!

LONDON: Oh dear goodness.

Meanwhile, Layla and Kristal continue their haste to leave the arena.

KRISTAL: Can you believe we just did that? I mean, Cena was amazing with his two... yeah... but I feel so skanky!

LAYLA: Yeah, me too. But we can't ever tell anyone about this.

Suddenly, a voice from behind interrupts the two divas.

FLAIR: TELL ANYONE ABOUT WHAT??? ABOUT THE TIME YOU RODE SPACE MOUNTAIN??? WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

KRISTAL: Ric! I thought you were--

FLAIR: I'M MORE ALIVE THAN EVER!!! SO WHICH ONE OF YOU WAS IT THIS TIME WHO BROUGHT ME BACK?? WAS IT YOU KRISTAL? WAS IT YOU LAYLA?? I KNOW YOU WANT SOME OF THIS WHITE CHOCOLATE!!!

Flair puts his hands over the shoulders of both women and walks them outside, despite their awkward and uncomfortable grimaces.

FLAIR: I COULD USE SOME MORE MOUTH TO MOUTH BACK AT MY HOTEL ROOM TONIGHT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! WOOO!!!! WOOO WOOO WOOO WOOO--

Suddenly, Sabu plummets onto Flair, driving the Naitch into the ground at an awkward angle and snapping his neck. Rob Van Dam comes sprinting over toward Sabu as the girls look on in horror.

LAYLA: You killed Naitchy!!

KRISTAL: You bastard!!!

RVD: Dude... he totally broke your fall.

SABU: Dammit, I totally botched killing myself!!! Maybe I AM just a spot machine!!!! :'( :'(

RVD: Hey man, it's cool. Tell ya what, lets light up some more, and I'll let YOU drive tonight.

SABU: Really? You'd... let me do that?

RVD: Sure! Anything for Sabu!

SABU: You're a great friend, Rob!

As Rob Van Dam and Sabu walk off, Kristal and Layla discuss the present scene.

KRISTAL: We should go back into the building and tell someone Ric Flair is dead.

LAYLA: Are you crazy? We might run into Cena again and... oh, I wouldn't bear to look at him!

KRISTAL: Layla, it's the right thing to do.

LAYLA: You're right. :(

They both turn and begin trudging back into the building.

LAYLA: Sometimes, Kristal, I think you're like my personal Jimeny Cricket. Oh hi, Kevin!

THORN: Double duty tonight. :naughty: :naughty:

KRISTAL: He's totally creepy.

As the ladies continue on their way, and Kevin Thorn floats toward the corpse of Ric Flair, the camera pans out across the parking lot, scanning across the field of cars until it hones in on one in particular, a beat up old Dodge with a lone figure sitting inside.

FIGURE: (picking up a ringing phone) Yes? Yes, of course Mister Russo. The plan is all in place. The first phase of our takeover will start tonight. They'll never know what hit them! (sinister laugh)

The figure pauses as the other line issues the final commands.

FIGURE: Of course no one suspects me at all. The first phase will be a hit! A total bang! There'll be chaos. Which means our plan is literally gonna be...

A SHOWSTOPPA!!!!!!















Oh shit, I hope nobody was around to hear me or pick up on that intentionally unintentionally intentional clue.
















:shifty:

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Blitz]

Flashback to Five Minutes Earlier.

CENA: Oh yeah, Oreo sammich, bitches! Or should I say... WHOREO SAMMICH!!! :rofl:

LAYLA: Yeah, John, gimme!

KRISTAL: Oh yes! Oh yes!! OH YESS!!!!

CENA: CHAIN BANG MOTHA FUCKA!!!!
lol nice.

[Outsider]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Corkscrewed again.

[tucsonspeed6]

I bet it's Austin...

[James Steele]

ROFL NIGGA!

[Skippord]

Corky :love: