Theo Dious
05-12-2007, 08:09 PM
Because this sounds like it might have come straight off of our boards. Apparently WWE.com hired some "random guy" to write a "fan column" for the websited. This guy was apparently hired by Michael Cole. And it sounds like he's as pissed with the absurdity of the product as we all are... but he wraps it up in a bit of kayfabe for mass distribution. But THIS, in any case, is something I have been saying for years. Has anyone from the boards vanished lately? Cause if so, he's probably this guy.
Then there’s the case of Viscera, who might be the most fascinating character in the history of WWE, if not human civilization. Hear me out. Viscera used to be known as Mabel. Like many WWE Superstars, he has had his ups and downs. He started as a friendly rapping giant in Men on a Mission. (“We’re Men on a Mission… the Quebecers we be dissin….” – Top THAT, Ludacris.) Then Mabel shocks everyone by winning King of the Ring, loses the rapping and becomes KING Mabel. (With his former tag partner Mo becoming… wait for it… Sir Mo.) Then for a while, nothing happens until…Undertaker while forming his Ministry of Darkness kidnaps and “sacrifices” Mabel. Sacrifices were pretty big back in ‘99 with Undertaker abducting various people, brainwashing them, changing their identities and turning them into his zombified disciples. That’s right, before there was Lost and The Others, there was Undertaker and Mabel.
So Mabel turns into Viscera – the demonic crazy-eyed, latex-wearing minion of Undertaker. The only problem is the Ministry of Darkness disbanded eight years ago and Mabel is STILL Viscera. Everyone else in the Ministry moved on, but NOBODY bothered to fix Viscera. Say what you will, but that’s fascinating. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where Viscera, after not talking for years, decides to become a “500-pound love machine” and starts a bizarre love/hate relationship with Lilian Garcia. The point is, does this man know of his former life? Do his parents still try to contact him? Siblings? What does Sir Mo think of all this? You mean to tell me if you gathered the nation's top psycho-therapists, Mo and Oscar from Men on a Mission, and various members of Mabel’s family, put them in a room for an intervention, set up a bunch of cameras and called it Deprogramming Viscera, America wouldn’t be sucked in? These are the things I think about.
So with that backstory in mind, here’s where things get weird – Viscera arrives to Raw with apparently one purpose – to eat a fat, juicy steak. Seriously, that’s it. He doesn’t have a match. No interview. He presumably flew to State College, Pa., checked out of his hotel, got into his rental car, and came to the arena with one goal in mind – eat dinner. And what happens? Right as he’s about to pour steak sauce over his meal, he lifts the tray to reveal his steak has been STOLEN. Stolen by what turns out to be two petty criminals looking to sell the steak to a worldwide television audience for Mother’s Day, of all things! If Viscera isn’t on the cover when People does their “Most Fascinating People” issue, then something is wrong.
Then there’s the case of Viscera, who might be the most fascinating character in the history of WWE, if not human civilization. Hear me out. Viscera used to be known as Mabel. Like many WWE Superstars, he has had his ups and downs. He started as a friendly rapping giant in Men on a Mission. (“We’re Men on a Mission… the Quebecers we be dissin….” – Top THAT, Ludacris.) Then Mabel shocks everyone by winning King of the Ring, loses the rapping and becomes KING Mabel. (With his former tag partner Mo becoming… wait for it… Sir Mo.) Then for a while, nothing happens until…Undertaker while forming his Ministry of Darkness kidnaps and “sacrifices” Mabel. Sacrifices were pretty big back in ‘99 with Undertaker abducting various people, brainwashing them, changing their identities and turning them into his zombified disciples. That’s right, before there was Lost and The Others, there was Undertaker and Mabel.
So Mabel turns into Viscera – the demonic crazy-eyed, latex-wearing minion of Undertaker. The only problem is the Ministry of Darkness disbanded eight years ago and Mabel is STILL Viscera. Everyone else in the Ministry moved on, but NOBODY bothered to fix Viscera. Say what you will, but that’s fascinating. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where Viscera, after not talking for years, decides to become a “500-pound love machine” and starts a bizarre love/hate relationship with Lilian Garcia. The point is, does this man know of his former life? Do his parents still try to contact him? Siblings? What does Sir Mo think of all this? You mean to tell me if you gathered the nation's top psycho-therapists, Mo and Oscar from Men on a Mission, and various members of Mabel’s family, put them in a room for an intervention, set up a bunch of cameras and called it Deprogramming Viscera, America wouldn’t be sucked in? These are the things I think about.
So with that backstory in mind, here’s where things get weird – Viscera arrives to Raw with apparently one purpose – to eat a fat, juicy steak. Seriously, that’s it. He doesn’t have a match. No interview. He presumably flew to State College, Pa., checked out of his hotel, got into his rental car, and came to the arena with one goal in mind – eat dinner. And what happens? Right as he’s about to pour steak sauce over his meal, he lifts the tray to reveal his steak has been STOLEN. Stolen by what turns out to be two petty criminals looking to sell the steak to a worldwide television audience for Mother’s Day, of all things! If Viscera isn’t on the cover when People does their “Most Fascinating People” issue, then something is wrong.