Wrestlers That Should Have Died

[Nikkolas]

Maxim has an article called "They Shouldn't Be Alive" featuring wrestlers they think should have died already due to their lifestyle, with odds on them making it to 2008. Below are a few wrestlers whom they mention:


The Ultimate Warrior
Age: 48
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 20 to 1
Why he should be dead: For the better part of the late '90s, we actually thought the Warrior (his legal name since 1993) was dead. His disappearance from the ring sparked countless rumors of his demise, but the man once known as Jim "Justice" Hellwig is still alive and delivering rant-filled speeches to directionless college kids all over the country. The clip proves his brain is mostly dead, so his (probably) steroid-riddled body can't be far behind.

How he'll die: Years spent screaming at the top of his lungs and tying off his joints to make his veins pop result in an explosive brain aneurysm during one of The Warrior's tirades.

The Iron Sheik
Age: 67
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 5 to 1
Why he should be dead: As Howard Stern fans already know, the Sheik has a bit of a drinking problem, along with a volatile temper that makes Ron Artest look like John Stockton…in short shorts. Plus, we're pretty sure there's nothing but tumors underneath that mustache.

How he'll die: We're guessing bear attack. It's a long shot, but given the unlikely circumstances that have taken the lives of other professional wrestlers, it's not entirely unreasonable.

Ric Flair
Age: 58
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 8 to 1
Why he should be dead: We were shocked to find out that Nature Boy was born in 1949 rather than the late 1800s. It's obvious that he still has all the style and charisma that made him a legend, but he's also spent more time in the sun than the pyramids. Skin isn't supposed to be bright orange, unless it's on top of a delicious bowl of macaroni and cheese.

How he'll die: Flair will tragically choke to death in a feather boa accident. During the autopsy, doctors will find that his skin was replaced with that of a beanbag around 1989.

Dusty Rhodes
Age: 41
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: Even when Dusty was in his prime, his man boobs suggested that the American Dream spent as much time with Bit-O-Honeys as he did with barbells. Now that he has no reason to exercise, he has a regular seat in every rib joint south of Delaware.

How he'll die: Can you overdose on barbecue sauce? If anyone can find out, it'll be Dusty.

[CSL]

Dusty Rhodes
Age: 41

He wishes.

[Dorkchop]

If you can overdose on barbecue sauce, JR would have OBBQ'd years ago.

[Nikkolas]

Jake "the Snake" Roberts
Age: 52
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 1 to 1
Why he should be dead: Twenty-plus years of power slams and suplexes weren't enough punishment for Jake the Snake, so he went and got himself turnbuckled by crack and alcohol. Now he's off the substances and into the Bible, so even if he dies soon, it's cool.
How he'll die: We picture Jake going down for the big sleep at home alone, where his snake will consume his lifeless husk in one jaw-stretching gulp. Sad, but appropriate.



http://www.maximonline.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=7618
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Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
Age: 64
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 20 to 1
Why he should be dead: Superfly spent the majority of his life doing belly flops onto burly dudes from 15 feet out. That can't be good for vital organs.
How he'll die: Amazingly, Jimmy still makes his way to the ring from time to time, and he doesn't look half bad. We picture him retiring to his birth country of Fiji, where he'll die old, enjoying a drink with a tiny umbrella. Then he'll drift off toward the big white light, where he'll meet up with the Big Boss Man and Koko B. Ware's parrot.

Road Warrior Animal
Age: 47
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: Since his partner Hawk died back in 2003, Animal has been a shell of the Mohawked man he once was. He's since tried to fill the void left in the Legion of Doom, but no one has been able to pack the spiky shoulder pads like his old pal.
How he'll die: Did we mention before that he wears shoulder pads with huge metal spikes on them? If one of those were to end up jammed in his brain, we would be sad, but in no way surprised.

Terry Funk
Age: 62
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 2 to 1
Why he should be dead: Terry's career started in 1965, before just about everyone on staff here was even born. Since then, he's been choked, slammed, and choke-slammed more times than the remaining WWE combined.
How he'll die: By now it has become obvious to us that pain and abuse are the only things keeping Funk alive. His end will come on vacation, when no one hits him with a furnishing the entire week and he dies of boredom.

Mick Foley
Age: 42
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 3 to 1
Why he should be dead: Our fondest memories of Mick involve him being beaten within an inch of his life with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, which, as most doctors will tell you, is not the ticket to a long and healthy life. The only reason we set his odds of survival better than Terry Funk's is because he's a full 20 years younger. That just gives him more time to think of things with which he can batter himself about the head.
How he'll die: Something tells us that Mick's death will be preceded immediately by him saying, "I'm sure it'll be fine if you hit me with your car."

Ted DiBiase
Age: 53
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: We're not going to come right out and say that the Million Dollar Man ever did cocaine, but can you name one other activity common to millionaires in the 1980s? We didn't think so.
How he'll die: Caviar poisoning. 'Cause, you know, that's what rich guys eat.

[CSL]

<font color=white>Jake or Shiek would be my 'pick'. And Superfly is never 64 is he?</font>

[TerranRich]

ROFL at Foley's "how he'll die" description

"I'm sure it'll be fine if you hit me your car. BANG BANG!"

Screech + crash. Uh ohs.

[chrisat928]

Maxim should stick with what they do best: pictures of attractive, half naked women.

[The Fugitive]

I'm surprised Piper hasn't been mentioned.

[94 SVT Cobra]

I knwo this sounds corny but after watching the Jake the snake dvd a year or so ago, i really hope he does go out in his sleep peacefully, might be the only peaceful part of his life hell know. then again he did make it that way

[Mr. Nerfect]

Maxim should stick with what they do best: pictures of attractive, half naked women.

Amen. Comedy is not really their thing, at all.

[Gray]

I always thought Scott Steiner was going to implode over the past few years.

[chrisat928]

I always thought Scott Steiner was going to implode over the past few years.
Or every vein in his arms explode.

[True Brit Grit]

If the Sheik dies and Woyah lives, I riot.

[Mr. Monday Morning]

The fact Raven hasn't been mentioned pretty much invalidates everything before this post.

[Dave Youell]

Jake has pretty much managed to pickle himself so until the booze wears off (at least another 15 years) he's not going anywhere, he'll be the iggy pop of wrestling.

Raven the walking methodone clinic has had his fair share of abuse, it's shocking he's still able to work, but then Jake trainined him. Maybe it's a jedi secret he passed down

[Kane Knight]

Michaels. With the deaths of other drug abusers, and I'd bet Michaels has done steroids in his life, it's a miracle he's on top op his game.

[Slow]

Mr McMahon, what with all these exploding limos

[RP]

Judging by previous wrestler deaths. I think the logical choice here is one of the Nasty Boys.

[YOUR Hero]

HHH:
AIDS

Chyna:
AIDS

XPAC:
AIDS

in one last hurrah, these three with get together for a "One Night Only" Affair. The steroids within the three of them will co-mingle with the she-seaman in Laurer's nuts, she will contract a strain of super AIDS when she ingests her own seaman slurpee out of Waltman's ass. The 3 of them die instantly.
Kevin Sullivan will be indicted.

[311]

Not a wrestler, but I always thought Vince would go in the past couple of years. I was wrong, obviously.

[Kane Knight]

Vince doesn't strain his body like wrestlers do, or he'd have died in the 90s.

[Anybody Thrilla]

Did I just read that Mick Foley is older than Dusty Rhodes?

[Xero]

Dusty's 61, lol...

[Zeeboe]

For a second, I thought it was a typo and they were actually talking about Goldust.

[Kane Knight]

Hogan should have been dead by now. Look at how his body degenerated...He doesn't have Flair's Bitch Tits, but still.

[Xero]

Hogan should have been dead by now. Look at how his body degenerated...He doesn't have Flair's Bitch Tits, but still.
Death by tanning cream poisoning.

[Theo Dious]

Dusty Rhodes
How he'll die: Can you overdose on barbecue sauce? If anyone can find out, it'll be Jim Ross, but Dusty will be a close second.

[Slow]

The Undertaker... oh wait


American Badass should be dead and forgotten about by now. Good riddance i say, good riddance!

[chrisat928]

I enjoyed the American Badass version of the Undertaker, it was more real, more of his personality.

Especially when he drug Hogan through the building strapped to a motorcycle.

[Slow]

yeah, any kind of pain and suffering brought to hogan is enjoyable

[94 SVT Cobra]

Jake has pretty much managed to pickle himself so until the booze wears off (at least another 15 years) he's not going anywhere, he'll be the iggy pop of wrestling.

Raven the walking methodone clinic has had his fair share of abuse, it's shocking he's still able to work, but then Jake trainined him. Maybe it's a jedi secret he passed down


Jake: Use the force

Raven: I cant, it wont let me.
::Jake pulls out a crack stem::

Jake: then just use it the old fashioned way.

[Zeeboe]

yeah, any kind of pain and suffering brought to hogan is enjoyable

Mark...

[Xero]

Have you met my friend Mr. Kettle?

[Slow]

Hogan's a dick, but there's enough threads elaborating on that, so i'll say no more

[mrslackalack]

I am very suprised Jake Roberts is still alive after all the troubles he has had.