Champion of Europa
03-06-2004, 05:02 PM
www.theddt.com
by Ben Wilson
(This is back when Nash was returning for his feud with HHH)
So RAW this week saw the return of Kevin Nash, and straight away he looks like he’s going to be number one contender at Backlash, just as I predicted. Spooky huh? Well, not really. Though some people may think that I just guessed that with X-Pac marrying Chyna (on the count of 3, begin vomiting) and Shawn’s back the way it is, Trips has got to keep big Kev happy if he ever wants some of the ‘special friendship’ him and the rest of the clique share, the fact is I had help.
You see, using the MAD PROGRAMMING SKILLZ I naturally have as a DDT writer, I managed to hack one of the staff computers at Titan Towers (hey if Cena can pretend to be a hacker, why can’t I?). I had a look through some of the documents I found there and they made pretty interesting reading. Take this for instance, from Pat Patterson diary, just after Nathan Jones was signed:
At last, another big, strong convict for my prison fantasy! I still can’t believe Nailz squealed to the police. I was only asking him about exactly how the guards carry out cavity searches and…
Ok, I think we’ll stop right there (feel free to vomit again). But what interested me most was a document I found entitled Pointers for writers. It was basically a kind of code of practice for aspiring wrestling writers, with handy hints about how to book a show the ‘Vince McMahon’ way. I thought I’d share a few of these with you, and give you my thoughts along the way.
1. If you have trouble thinking of angles for two separate main event guys, why not consider making them into a tag team? That way you only have to think up one storyline for both! If their styles don’t fit together, just suggest to the commentator that he describe the pairing as unorthodox and the partnership as unconventional every so often. The fans will love it!
And thus, the team of RVD and Kane was born. Look at it this way- if that team was split tomorrow, do you reckon either of the guys would get a PPV push? Fact is, right at the minute the WWE’s tag team division is a dumping ground for guys who are over with the fans but have had their turn on the main-event merry-go-round. So, with no midcard titles for them to aim for they are shoved into a tag-team, but usually end up wrestling singles matches anyway when it is realised that a lot of the talent left is actually piss poor and probably bad for ratings- Maven vs. Jamal anyone?
On the other side of the coin you’ve got guys who’s whole gimmick is based around being a tag team, Like the Dudleys, Team Angle or Los Gurreros who are usually forced to job to tag team flavour of the week #23. Which leads onto the second point:
2. When you split a tag team you’ve got a problem. Whereas originally you only had to write for one guy, you’ve now got to write for two, which means double the work. If you find your self with this problem, why not use the Vince McMahon solution- just don’t bother with one guy altogether!
This is actually a scientifically documented phenomenon known as the ‘Marty Jannety’ effect. Whenever a tag team splits, one member is sacrificed in order to make room for more quality spots of Rikishi dancing. It is this iron rule of wrestling that is the reason why while Edge was getting a HUGE push (a PPV match against Albert, fer christs sake! How much better does it get!) Christians on screen role seems to be following Jericho around like Dustin Hoffman after Tom Cruise in Rain Man.
It can also be used to explain why while Matt Hardy is getting credible matches against world champions and has a belt of his own, the biggest things to happen to Jeff lately have been jobbing to Jericho at No Way Out and an angle that’s a desperate attempt to prove he’s not a raging homo with Trish.
Well, that and the fact he’s a work-shy spot fest of a wrestler who appears to have less passion for his chosen profession than I do.
If you don’t believe me, just wait till the inevitable Team Angle split. Though at the minute both of them appear to have all the personality of a doorstop, I can guarantee when they split up it will be Charlie Haas who gets the push, mainly because he’s got a cool looking finisher, and Vince has always been a sucker for using the ‘I’m doing this for my friend/relative who can’t be here tonight because they’re dead/sick/constipated/unable to find a decent parking space whatever. Whereas Shelton use the super kick, which is the exclusive property of HBK. Oh, and he’s black. Which leads to point 3.
3. Cultural differences and stereotypes are always a good way to start any feud.
The ‘race card’ as its known. My honest opinion is that the WWE isn’t racist- just lazy and thinks its fans are dumb. Whenever they get a black guy near a main event spot, instead of thinking up an original storyline for them they resort to going “look! A wrestler! But, get this, he’s black!” (to which the usual IWC response is “No shit!”)
Simply because a race feud guarantees cheap heat. Booker T isn’t the first look at Farooq, Ahmed Johnson, etc. The only guy they didn’t do it with who got near main event was Kamala, and that’s because they had already decided on the other great gimmick of him being a savage! Did anyone ever see that match where he fought Doink and the clown gave him a present and so he spent ages unwrapping it and got counted out? Or the Silver Vision video where he went bowling with Slick and got terrified of the ball cleaner? And they wonder why he didn’t get over….
4. If you’re going to have a guy lose at a PPV, have him win a match against his opponent the week before. That way the smarks can’t say there was no chance of him ever winning- it was just what happened on the night. Have them win the week after the PPV as well, just to keep up appearances.
Ah, the pre-PPV victory of doom! How many of us nearly didn’t bother watching the RAW main event at Wrestlemania because we knew what the outcome would be?
5. The longer a guy’s been away, the more of a draw he will be. Put returning guys straight into the main event.
See, this is how I knew about Big Lazy. Vince logic again. You can spend months building a guy up into a credible main event contender but as soon as a big name comes back from injury they go straight into the main event especially if they weigh over 250. Screw long term, Vince is down to his last couple of hundred million! We need results now. Although using this approach, a Bushwhacker Luke vs. Max Moon main event at Badd Blood would be the biggest thing ever.
6. Be nice to the Samoans. One of them is related to Rocky but I can’t remember which. So just keep them all happy.
Well, can you explain why 3MW are still gainfully employed?
7. Triple H must be in one main event a month, as he is the most over guy we’ve got and the greatest heel ever. Stephanie told me so, so it must be true- my princess wouldn’t lie to me!
Sigh.
8. And Lastly don’t forget: Hosses=ratings!
I really don’t think I need to say anything about this one. We all know the truth.
So there you have it. Using these simple rules you too can write your own WWE show! And when we get a Triple H vs. a returning Jimmy Snuka/Kevin Nash tag-team main event at Summer Slam, the week after they’ve faced off at RAW, we’ll all know why.
------------
Good stuff.
by Ben Wilson
(This is back when Nash was returning for his feud with HHH)
So RAW this week saw the return of Kevin Nash, and straight away he looks like he’s going to be number one contender at Backlash, just as I predicted. Spooky huh? Well, not really. Though some people may think that I just guessed that with X-Pac marrying Chyna (on the count of 3, begin vomiting) and Shawn’s back the way it is, Trips has got to keep big Kev happy if he ever wants some of the ‘special friendship’ him and the rest of the clique share, the fact is I had help.
You see, using the MAD PROGRAMMING SKILLZ I naturally have as a DDT writer, I managed to hack one of the staff computers at Titan Towers (hey if Cena can pretend to be a hacker, why can’t I?). I had a look through some of the documents I found there and they made pretty interesting reading. Take this for instance, from Pat Patterson diary, just after Nathan Jones was signed:
At last, another big, strong convict for my prison fantasy! I still can’t believe Nailz squealed to the police. I was only asking him about exactly how the guards carry out cavity searches and…
Ok, I think we’ll stop right there (feel free to vomit again). But what interested me most was a document I found entitled Pointers for writers. It was basically a kind of code of practice for aspiring wrestling writers, with handy hints about how to book a show the ‘Vince McMahon’ way. I thought I’d share a few of these with you, and give you my thoughts along the way.
1. If you have trouble thinking of angles for two separate main event guys, why not consider making them into a tag team? That way you only have to think up one storyline for both! If their styles don’t fit together, just suggest to the commentator that he describe the pairing as unorthodox and the partnership as unconventional every so often. The fans will love it!
And thus, the team of RVD and Kane was born. Look at it this way- if that team was split tomorrow, do you reckon either of the guys would get a PPV push? Fact is, right at the minute the WWE’s tag team division is a dumping ground for guys who are over with the fans but have had their turn on the main-event merry-go-round. So, with no midcard titles for them to aim for they are shoved into a tag-team, but usually end up wrestling singles matches anyway when it is realised that a lot of the talent left is actually piss poor and probably bad for ratings- Maven vs. Jamal anyone?
On the other side of the coin you’ve got guys who’s whole gimmick is based around being a tag team, Like the Dudleys, Team Angle or Los Gurreros who are usually forced to job to tag team flavour of the week #23. Which leads onto the second point:
2. When you split a tag team you’ve got a problem. Whereas originally you only had to write for one guy, you’ve now got to write for two, which means double the work. If you find your self with this problem, why not use the Vince McMahon solution- just don’t bother with one guy altogether!
This is actually a scientifically documented phenomenon known as the ‘Marty Jannety’ effect. Whenever a tag team splits, one member is sacrificed in order to make room for more quality spots of Rikishi dancing. It is this iron rule of wrestling that is the reason why while Edge was getting a HUGE push (a PPV match against Albert, fer christs sake! How much better does it get!) Christians on screen role seems to be following Jericho around like Dustin Hoffman after Tom Cruise in Rain Man.
It can also be used to explain why while Matt Hardy is getting credible matches against world champions and has a belt of his own, the biggest things to happen to Jeff lately have been jobbing to Jericho at No Way Out and an angle that’s a desperate attempt to prove he’s not a raging homo with Trish.
Well, that and the fact he’s a work-shy spot fest of a wrestler who appears to have less passion for his chosen profession than I do.
If you don’t believe me, just wait till the inevitable Team Angle split. Though at the minute both of them appear to have all the personality of a doorstop, I can guarantee when they split up it will be Charlie Haas who gets the push, mainly because he’s got a cool looking finisher, and Vince has always been a sucker for using the ‘I’m doing this for my friend/relative who can’t be here tonight because they’re dead/sick/constipated/unable to find a decent parking space whatever. Whereas Shelton use the super kick, which is the exclusive property of HBK. Oh, and he’s black. Which leads to point 3.
3. Cultural differences and stereotypes are always a good way to start any feud.
The ‘race card’ as its known. My honest opinion is that the WWE isn’t racist- just lazy and thinks its fans are dumb. Whenever they get a black guy near a main event spot, instead of thinking up an original storyline for them they resort to going “look! A wrestler! But, get this, he’s black!” (to which the usual IWC response is “No shit!”)
Simply because a race feud guarantees cheap heat. Booker T isn’t the first look at Farooq, Ahmed Johnson, etc. The only guy they didn’t do it with who got near main event was Kamala, and that’s because they had already decided on the other great gimmick of him being a savage! Did anyone ever see that match where he fought Doink and the clown gave him a present and so he spent ages unwrapping it and got counted out? Or the Silver Vision video where he went bowling with Slick and got terrified of the ball cleaner? And they wonder why he didn’t get over….
4. If you’re going to have a guy lose at a PPV, have him win a match against his opponent the week before. That way the smarks can’t say there was no chance of him ever winning- it was just what happened on the night. Have them win the week after the PPV as well, just to keep up appearances.
Ah, the pre-PPV victory of doom! How many of us nearly didn’t bother watching the RAW main event at Wrestlemania because we knew what the outcome would be?
5. The longer a guy’s been away, the more of a draw he will be. Put returning guys straight into the main event.
See, this is how I knew about Big Lazy. Vince logic again. You can spend months building a guy up into a credible main event contender but as soon as a big name comes back from injury they go straight into the main event especially if they weigh over 250. Screw long term, Vince is down to his last couple of hundred million! We need results now. Although using this approach, a Bushwhacker Luke vs. Max Moon main event at Badd Blood would be the biggest thing ever.
6. Be nice to the Samoans. One of them is related to Rocky but I can’t remember which. So just keep them all happy.
Well, can you explain why 3MW are still gainfully employed?
7. Triple H must be in one main event a month, as he is the most over guy we’ve got and the greatest heel ever. Stephanie told me so, so it must be true- my princess wouldn’t lie to me!
Sigh.
8. And Lastly don’t forget: Hosses=ratings!
I really don’t think I need to say anything about this one. We all know the truth.
So there you have it. Using these simple rules you too can write your own WWE show! And when we get a Triple H vs. a returning Jimmy Snuka/Kevin Nash tag-team main event at Summer Slam, the week after they’ve faced off at RAW, we’ll all know why.
------------
Good stuff.