| Cool King |
02-09-2013 08:40 AM |
WWE.com Presents....
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Let’s get one thing straight — bizarre isn’t bad.
When it’s done right at least. That’s how this world ended up with masterpieces like Salvador Dali’s “Persistence of Memory” and Weird Al Yankovic’s “Another One Rides the Bus.” When it’s done wrong? Well that’s when you get Lady Gaga wearing a dress made of meat.
WWE has seen its share of oddities over the years, including a stable of oddities actually called The Oddities. But we’re not looking at Superstars like Luna Vachon or Goldust who hit a home run with their bizarre personas. This list honors those hapless misfits who fouled one off into the cheap seats and hit an old lady in the head.
Ever seen a grown man dressed up like a breakdancing cat? You’re about to.
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#25
The Red Rooster
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Urban legend has it that Terry Taylor was nearly introduced to the WWE Universe as Mr. Perfect in 1988. Instead, the South Carolina native came strutting to the ring with a goofy mohawk and a pair of crimson trunks under the name The Red Rooster. Why Taylor — a gifted, articulate competitor with boundless promise — was made to cluck like a chicken is hard to figure, but it didn’t do much for his confidence. After struggling under the guidance of Bobby Heenan, The Rooster was plucked by The Brain and deep-fried by The Brooklyn Brawler. A change of heart was meant to revitalize the birdman’s career, but few in the WWE Universe were willing to count themselves among the legion of fans he’d dubbed his “Rooster Boosters.”
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#24
Outback Jack
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Just as “Crocodile Dundee” topped the box office in 1986, WWE introduced an Aussie of their own in Outback Jack. A charming bushman from the town of Humpty Doo in the Northern Territory, the 300-pounder was an authentic Aussie and not just some guy from Canada doing his best Paul Hogan impression. Still, Jack’s exhausting references to “roos” and “crocs” made him seem about as genuinely Australian as lunch at the Outback Steakhouse. In the end, WWE’s first Superstar from Down Under proved to be as popular as a “Crocodile Dundee” movie. Unfortunately, that movie was “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.”
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#23
The Mountie
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The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are among the most elite law enforcement services in the world. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for The Mountie. Canada’s answer to The Big Boss Man, the villainous Dudley Do-Right carried a cattle prod to the ring while a theme song straight out of a cartoon filled the arena. Proud Canucks couldn’t help but cringe when an irritating chorus of “I’m The Mountie/I’m handsome/I’m brave/I’m strong” kicked in. Believe it or not, the Montreal native actually beat Bret “Hit Man” Hart for the Intercontinental Championship in 1992. Two days after later, though, The Mountie lost the title to “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and headed back to The Great White North on his faithful steed. Oh, Canada!
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#22
Tekno Team 2000
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In 1996, WWE fans got a glimpse into the 21st century when a young duo named Tekno Team 2000 debuted. Unfortunately, the future looked bleak. Troy and Travis of Tekno Team 2000 were both youthful and physically impressive, but their polyurethane suits and blank expressions made them come across like extraterrestrials in Ed Wood’s quintessential B-movie “Plan 9 from Outer Space.” And their name — meant to grab the attention of disenfranchised Generation-X hipsters who had grown weary of WWE — sounded like the odd garble of trendy buzzwords usually seen on knockoff Japanese T-shirts. After a few short months, Tekno Team 2000 proved to be a bigger bust than the Y2K bug and headed back to the future where they belonged. Great Scott!
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#21
T.L. Hopper
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When a Superstar’s most memorable WWE moment is that time they fished a Baby Ruth out of a swimming pool and ate it, something’s wrong. But what do you expect from a competitor who walked to the ring to the sound of a flushing toilet? Dusty Rhodes may have famously proclaimed himself “the son of a plumber,” but T.L. Hopper was an actual plumber who had as much trouble keeping his pants up as he did beating opponents during his 1996 stint with WWE. Hopper did score one major win when he beat Duke “The Dumpster” Droese in his WWE debut and then further humiliated the trash man by smothering him with a used plunger. Talk about a dirty job.
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#20
Saba Simba
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Tony Atlas is a legendary WWE Hall of Famer, former WWE Tag Team Champion and an accomplished bodybuilder. So why was Atlas reintroduced to the WWE Universe as a Ugandan warrior named Saba Simba when he returned to WWE in 1990? Wielding a massive shield and spear and wearing an elaborate headdress, Simba looked like he was ready for some serious hand-to-hand combat, but his dance moves inside the squared circle undermined his warrior appearance. During his bouts against the likes of The Barbarian and Greg Valentine, it was clear that Atlas was still a formidable and powerful Superstar, but the absurdity of his new persona made it difficult for the former tag team titleholder to be taken seriously. Thankfully, Saba Simba disappeared from WWE and Tony Atlas reemerged in WCW to do what he does best.
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#19
Xanta Klaus
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Good Ol’ Saint Nick has a storied history with WWE. Superstars like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin have dressed up as Kris Kringle around Christmastime and the jolly fat guy even granted Hornswoggle the ability to speak. Santa always brings cheer to the WWE Universe, but in 1995 his evil brother from the South Pole, Xanta Klaus, tried to spread fear and mischief by stealing presents. Clad in black and red, the grinch’s WWE debut was the sports-entertainment equivalent of unwrapping a pair of dress socks on Christmas morning. Who’s to blame for this proverbial lump of coal? “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, who probably paid a fortune to get Mr. Klaus to attack Savio Vega at WWE In Your House 6: Season’s Beatings. Couldn’t he just have sent Savio a fruitcake?
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#18
The Goon
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WWE fans breathed a collective sigh of relief when the recent NHL strike came to an end. Otherwise, there was a chance The Goon would be making his return to WWE. Originally skating into sports-entertainment in 1996, the onetime grinder was said to have been kicked out of every league he ever played in. The implication was that The Goon was blacklisted for his recklessness, but it’s possible that he was just really lousy between the boards. That was certainly the case in the ring, where the iceman’s generic hockey jersey and dopey boots shaped like skates inspired more hate mail than hat tricks. Do you believe in miracles? Not after watching a Goon match.
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#17
Big Bully Busick
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Big Bully Busick was the proud owner of the greatest mustache in WWE history, but that doesn’t spare him from inclusion on this list of ridiculous Superstars. The burly competitor’s epic facial hair was absurd in its own right, but his persona as an old-timey browbeater was even more over the top. Wearing a thick red sweater and a grey derby to the ring, the Pittsburgh native could have used his massive physique to win a few matches. Instead, he spent most of his time picking on children and popping their balloons. (Side note: Who brings a balloon to a WWE event?) Targeting those he believed were weak, Busick’s biggest rivalry was against The Brooklyn Brawler in a quarrel over who was WWE’s true bully. The man out of time later battled legends like Bret “Hit Man” Hart, The British Bulldog and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, but he would have been better off tormenting schoolchildren in the 1920s.
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#16
Nailz
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What’s more absurd? A 7-foot, 300-pound ex-con named Nailz competing in his prison jumpsuit? Or the fact that authorities weren’t alerted when the angry Superstar debuted in WWE seeking revenge against his former corrections officer, The Big Boss Man? At first glance, Nailz was pretty scary. But when the Superstar in the bright orange onesie opened his mouth, his angry growl went from frightening to silly pretty rapidly. The longer he spoke, the more he sounded like a voice recording slowed down. For some reason, Nailz wasn’t thrown back in the slammer following a brutal attack on The Boss Man, but he disappeared from WWE soon after messing with The Undertaker. Thanks, Deadman!
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#15
The Spirit Squad
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Kenny! Johnny! Barf! The nauseating fivesome known as The Spirit Squad gave WWE fans a whole new reason to despise male cheerleaders when they came tumbling onto Raw in January 2006. The quintet of knuckleheads inspired some laughter when they randomly hit ringside to chant during matches, but there was nothing funny about their upset victory over Big Show & Kane for the World Tag Team Titles. The Squad made history by becoming the first group of five to defend the championships, but they will always be remembered for that night D-Generation X covered them in a smelly mess on Raw. Gimme a P! Gimme a U!
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#14
Bastion Booger
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Long before Ryback began snacking on beanpoles like Ari Cohen and Willard Fillmore, the only WWE Superstar to live by the words “Feed me more!” was Bastion Booger. The last person you’d want to sit next to on an international flight, the 401-pound Mr. Booger was once seen devouring raw hot dogs before a match with Razor Ramon. Worse yet, his entrance theme consisted solely of him shouting “I’m the booger man!” while repeatedly attempting to hock up what sounded like the world’s most unpleasant loogie. Think Booger’s blatant nose-picking and back hair was off-putting enough? Wait till you see one of his matches. Yuck!
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#13
The Stalker
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In 1996, a new Superstar came to WWE with the intent to strike fear in his opponents by studying them and their loved ones. OK, it was creepier than that. He flat-out stalked them. Introduced to the WWE Universe through a series of vignettes that saw the camouflaged competitor suddenly emerge from a dense forest, The Stalker looked like he would have done well in a game of paintball. As for WWE rings? That’s another story. Quizzically heading to the squared circle in full green and black camouflage, The Stalker may have thought he was disappearing before his opponent’s eyes, but his absurd appearance made him hard to miss. The man who was billed as hailing from “The Environment” eventually retreated back to his well-stocked bunker in the woods, where he continues to await the zombie apocalypse.
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#12
Chainsaw Charlie
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Terry Funk wore the banner of “middle-aged and crazy” with unwavering pride for much of his career, but he might have taken things a little too far when he reinvented himself as Chainsaw Charlie in 1998. Coming back to WWE to help his friend Mick Foley in his war against The New Age Outlaws, the WWE Hall of Famer attempted to introduce a second face of Funk to match his buddy’s three faces of Foley. On the night he debuted, Funk chainsawed his way out of a wooden crate with lady’s undergarments on his head. It’s unclear who thought it was a bright idea to turn one of sports-entertainment’s true legends into a bizarre knockoff of the villain from “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Worse yet, who thought it was a good idea to give Terry Funk a live chainsaw?
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#11
Mystery Man
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What good is a mystery if no one wants to solve it? That was the conundrum Mystery Man faced after he appointed himself as WWE’s avenging angel in 1991. Saving hapless local competitors from getting creamed by heavies like Earthquake and Dino Bravo, the mysterious individual would hit the ring, waylay the villain and hightail it out of there. Mystery Man vanished as soon as he arrived and the WWE Universe never learned his name or his true identity. Who was that masked man? We’ll give you a hint. It was Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.
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#10
The Berzerker
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Nowadays, a WWE Superstar might carry a whistle to the ring or a sock that looks like a cobra. But there was a time when dudes were walking around with legitimately dangerous weapons. Case in point: The Berzerker, that mad Norseman who thawed out of an iceberg somewhere and immediately came charging into WWE with a steel broadsword and one of those goofy, horned helmets that overzealous Minnesota Vikings fans wear. How The Berzerker was able to get his armaments through airport security was baffling to start. But the question of how he was given a WWE contract without knowing that you had to pin a guy to win a match remains one of life’s great mysteries.
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#9
Battle Kat
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Had cute kitten videos been as popular in 1990 as they are today, there’s a chance Battle Kat wouldn’t have been such a flash in the pan. Alas, the WWE Universe took to the feline competitor the way a cat takes to a bath. Dancing to the ring to the type of cheapo island music usually heard during cruise ship limbo competitions, Battle Kat attacked his opponents the way a tabby attacks a ball of yarn — which is the last metaphor you want to hear when you’re a professional wrestler.
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#8
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Only one Superstar in WWE history operated under the auspices of “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” The masked Repo Man snooped around the squared circle, deeming other Superstars to be behind on payments for random items, which he would snatch and hide under his oversized, ratty trenchcoat. He even repossessed one of “Macho Man” Randy Savage’s trademark sequined cowboy hats. While we’re not sure what kind of payment plan you can get from the haberdasher for one of those bad boys, Savage insisted he was up to snuff on his hat bill. So of course, “Macho Man” and Repo Man settled the debt as only Superstars can: in the ring. And by “settle the debt,” we mean Savage beat the tar out of Repo Man in a match and took his hat back. Don’t you wish you could pay off your car like that?
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#7
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When Jerry Lawler wanted to rid WWE of his arch nemesis Bret “Hit Man” Hart, he hired some muscle to do his dirty work. But rather than call on a Memphis, Tenn., heavy like Lord Humongous, “The King” hired his private dentist, Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. Make no mistake, the doctor was a physically imposing individual, but a Superstar in dental scrubs with questionable oral hygiene didn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of his opponents. Yankem was unable to secure a victory over Hart — or pretty much anyone else for that matter. The dentist headed back to his practice in late 1996 where the memory of his ring career was burned from his mind.
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#6
Friar Ferguson
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Friar Ferguson may be the most inexplicable Superstar of all time. A 385-pound mute monk who chugged sacramental wine and danced the Charleston during his matches, the big man of the cloth established himself as a walking contradiction from the moment he debuted in WWE on the April 12, 1993, edition of Raw. Although Friar Ferguson came to the ring with a happy-go-lucky grin on his face, his theme music was the type of eerie, Gregorian chant that would accompany The Undertaker’s druids in future years. WWE fans weren’t sure if they were supposed to boo the lug or cheer him on. So they did neither.
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#5
Fake Razor Ramon & Fake Diesel
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Kevin Nash and Scott Hall must have left their gear in the locker room when they made the move from WWE to WCW in 1996. Not long after the big men headed down to Atlanta to form The New World Order, two guys posing as Razor Ramon and Diesel began competing in WWE. Officials may have hoped that fans would overlook the fact that The Bad Guy was now a round-faced Canadian, but the changeup was less convincing than that time they swapped moms on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” The goal of this failed experiment was to show that the tights made the man and not vice versa. Instead, the opposite turned out to be true.
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#4
Max Moon
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There’s only one Superstar absurd enough to claim that he was from Outer Space — Max Moon! Displaying the kind of delusions of grandeur that would have most folks institutionalized, Max proved to be an agile and resilient grappler in the ring. It’s just that everything else about him was so ridiculous. Sporting a multi-colored bodysuit, gauntlets that fired off fireworks and a jet pack that seemingly rocketed him to the ring, Moon looked more like a 1980s Saturday morning cartoon character than a WWE Superstar. Although he managed to pick up victories against Rick Martel and The Repo Man, the intergalactic grappler’s novelty faded fast and Max Moon was soon sucked into a black hole of obscurity.
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#3
Mantaur
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Mantaur’s back-story drew heavily from the Greek myth of the Minotaur — a half-man, half-bull creature that lived in the center of a labyrinth on the island of Crete. If you think that’s a dubious basis for a WWE Superstar, you’re right. Mantaur’s allusions to the Roman poet Ovid were probably lost on the WWE fans who saw him as just a burly guy in a furry helmet that looked like the hat Fred Flintstone wore to his Water Buffalo meetings. The oversized bull head was so unwieldy that he routinely knocked it off while attempting to get in the ring. Mantaur’s klutzy entrances have led people to regard him as an oaf, which wasn’t the case — the 400-pounder could move. Still, he’ll forever be remembered as WWE’s answer to The Shockmaster.
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#2
The Gobbledy Gooker
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In fall 1990, WWE laid an egg. For weeks, the WWE Universe was teased with a brontosaurus-sized shell that would hatch an amazing surprise at Survivor Series. WWE fans couldn’t help but wonder what was inside. A beautiful Diva? A future WWE Champion? Then the egg broke open and a man in a bird costume stepped out. Introduced as The Gobbledy Gooker, this literal turkey danced a jig with “Mean” Gene Okerlund in front of a disappointed audience and then thankfully returned to the funny farm. Eleven years later, Mr. Gooker made an unwanted comeback at WrestleMania X-Seven, proving that the only thing worse than bad turkey is reheated bad turkey.
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#1
Phantasio
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When it comes to absurd Superstars, Phantasio is a certifiable first-ballot hall of famer. A magician gifted with an impressive physique and athletic ability, Phantasio’s only enigmatic WWE appearance was on the July 16, 1996, episode of Wrestling Challenge in a match against Tony DeVito. Dressed in black and wearing a mime mask, the mysterious Superstar removed his disguise only to reveal matching face paint underneath. Phantasio then proceeded to pull a lengthy strip of ribbon out of his mouth and give the mask — and the saliva-soaked ribbon — to an unfortunate young fan at ringside. The absurdity didn’t end there as the illusionist secured a victory over his unhappy opponent by pulling the man’s underwear out of his tights. The magical Superstar then performed the greatest disappearing act in sports-entertainment history, never to be heard from again. Tada!
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