Originally Posted by Krimzon7 (Post 3949305)

Okay so I'm a Bengals Fan, and I know that the last five years, the 'Natti is 3-2 in Baltimore and that the Bengals play the Ravens quite tough on the road.

But then again I'm a Bengals fan, WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW?

Originally Posted by screech (Post 3949496)

Hey, this guy is a fan of my favorite team's rival.

Your team sucks! You know nothing! Gooooo my team!

Originally Posted by Deadspin's Why Baltimore Sucks

1. There's no white trash like Baltimore white trash. I've lived in Maryland for eight years and I can tell you that northern Maryland white trash occupies its own distinct niche of the white-trash market. It's as if the suburban Baltimore area were populated exclusively by fifth-grade gym teachers. These are the kind of people who wear camouflage Zubaz without a hint of irony. Every baby born in Baltimore County is born with a goatee, even the girls. If you could form a Jim Rome listener in a lab (and why wouldn't you? THEY'RE CLONES), the resulting 250-pound dumbfuck would look an awful lot like a white-trash Ravens fan.
These people have NO sense of humor, nor any sense of self-deprecation. That's how you end up with a fanbase that engages in a comical level of collective paranoia. Ravens fans like to pretend that they're the U. Miami of the NFL. THEY'RE OUTLAWS! EVERYBODY'S OUT TO GET THEM! The refs have it in for the Ravens. The NFL has it in for the Ravens. Dan Rooney and his owner friends have it in for the Ravens. This pre-supposes that people actually give a shit about the Ravens. They don't. The Ravens are a nothing franchise. They're the Team That Shouldn't Be. Baltimoreans have willed themselves to like this team even though they know, deep in their heart, it isn't theirs. In a perfect NFL world, the Colts are still in Baltimore, the Browns are still the Browns, and Indianapolis remains a raging tire fire in the center of flyover country. These replacement Colts will never be as lovable to the rest of the NFL as the Baltimore Colts were. They're the unwanted replacements. They're the Sammy Hagar of NFL teams. Whoa hey, did someone say Sammy Hagar? BOBBY FROM TOWSON SAYS TURN THAT SHIT UP.

2. Pussymouth isn't here to save you now. Terrell Suggs ruptured his Achilles in May, which all but ensures that the Ravens defense will be without one of its finest players for the entire season. Worst of all, that means I'm gonna have to look at sideline shots of Suggs and his terrifying gums all season long. To any network producer who plans on cutting to Suggs mid-smile, I'd like to issue a preventive PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT order. Suggs's pussymouth has been known to blind schoolchildren. I would humbly request that the Ravens not let Suggs on road trips and instead encourage him to return to his home on the set of Prometheus.

3. There's no guaranteeing that John Harbaugh will know that he has a timeout left. Seriously, man. Use a fucking timeout. Get your affairs in order.

4. Ray Lewis is a phony. At some point, Ray Lewis's career will sputter to an end. More than any DPOY or MVP award, Lewis will best be remembered for his shocking ability to get the NFL establishment to turn a blind eye to the fact that he watched two friends stab people and then fled the scene in a goddamn limo. Ray Lewis is the ultimate phony, someone who will always find time to lecture teammates if there's an NFL Films camera hanging around. One day, he'll retire along with Ed Reed and this defense will finally cease to be the annual paper juggernaut it always has been. I'm quite excited for that day.

Originally Posted by Supreme Olajuwon (Post 3949680)

He didn't say anything about his playing ability. He said Lewis is a piece of shit for witnessing a murder and not doing anything about it and then acting like everything's ok because he prays sometimes.

Originally Posted by Saints turn

Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. "Is you taking notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy?" Even though this is the Internet and even though column space on the Internet can scroll on forever, there STILL isn't enough room here to express how badly the Saints buttfucked their way through this entire offseason. It's one thing to have a super-top-secret bounty program in place for years and years and years (despite the fact that players come and go to other teams regularly and can blab about it at any time). It's another thing to put that program IN WRITING, to have your begunted nutjob of a defensive coordinator codify your bounty program into a series of slides that make the average Tripod site look current. How fucking stupid do you have to be to let this go on? Don't you know that the Ginger Hammer is just waiting to wipe his freckled scrotum all over anyone who dares cause the world to notice that football is a violent sport? IDIOTS.
And the best part about all this is that the Saints doubled down on the stupid and handed the interim head coaching job to a guy who is himself serving a six-game suspension. Then they got into a contract squabble with Drew Brees, who is only the most important player the franchise has ever had and probably will ever have. It's as if, in January, the Saints looked at themselves and were like, "Jesus, we've gotten wayyy too functional and successful. THAT'S NOT WHAT THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS ARE ALL ABOUT GUMBO ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE!" And then they spent next few weeks cramming in as many bad decisions as they could so that they could reclaim their identity as the most incompetent team in football. Unfuckingbelievable. This will be the most senseless 9-7 season in NFL history. Also, Drew Brees is going bald.

2. DURRR I'M A SAINTS FANS GUMBO GUMBO CRAWDAD GUMBO. I always like to goof on friends I know from NOLA for continually thrusting their Cajunness upon everyone, but they're not alone among New Orleans natives (and transplants for that matter) who spend every goddamn waking hour telling you how much more special their culture is than yours. Well, I have been in the crowd with Saints fans before, and I can tell you that they are SHIT. They're the worst fucking fans in football. They can't handle their booze. All of them are way too fucking loud. Teeth are optional among them. Most of them are virulently racist. And none of them knows a goddamn thing about football. You'll be standing there trying to watch a game like a normal person and some Saints fan 20 rows back will somehow yell loud enough to be heard over every other element around you, screaming, "BOY ITELLYA SEAN PAYTON HOOBOY BEST DEFENSIVE COACH EVER GUMBO KATRINA DIRTY RICE." One day, I'm gonna go to New Orleans and I'm gonna take photos of everything in that city that is wholly unremarkable. Some shitty gas station. A townhouse. Any bar that isn't outfitted like a fucking voodoo museum. A Gap. Then I'm gonna make a Tumblr site called "NEW ORLEANS: YOU FUCKERS AREN'T THAT SPECIAL." And it will make me happy. OTHER CITIES ALSO MAKE GOOD FRIED CHICKEN, YOU PROVINCIAL PUTZES.

3. Mark Ingram: Kinda shitty! Every carry Ingram got last season was more or less out of obligation, as if Sean Payton were saying: "Christ, we can't throw the ball and run Sproles every play, can we? We have to give the draft pick SOME carries." If you're expecting Ingram to suddenly become a beast this season, you are sorely mistaken. The Saints are the kind of team that throws four times after getting 1st-and-inches at the goal line, then finally converts on the fourth attempt. I can't tell you how annoying it is to own a running back in fantasy who is so clearly the token ninth option on a fantastic offense.

4. Holy shit, this defense. No Tracy Porter. No Jonathan Vilma for a year. No Will Smith for four games. Bear in mind that this is the same defense that allowed Alex Smith to throw for two touchdowns in the final 2:18 of last season's divisional playoff loss. And now it's somehow even worse. The season hasn't even started yet and Vernon Davis has already caught 500 yards worth of passes against it. GOOD THING MY MAWMAW MADE THIS HERE BLACKENED GUMBOLAYA HOOWEE SOMEBODY GIT ME A WASHBOARD AND A SPOON SO WE CAN HAVE A BOUCHERIE. Whatever. Eat shit.

Originally Posted by RoXer (Post 3949878)

We all know what would have happened if our favorite team beat another team instead of losing to that team in real life and then our favorite team would go on to win the next 100 years worth of games in our minds

Originally Posted by Kris P Lettus (Post 3949893)

Considering the score was 49-24 two months earlier in a similar setting, it's not like I'm waxing some far fetched scenario..

Originally Posted by Kris P Lettus (Post 3949893)

Considering the score was 49-24 two months earlier in a similar setting, it's not like I'm waxing some far fetched scenario..