New Year's Revolution Play-By-Play
 

NeoC bringing you his opinionated live play-by-play of the WWE's first PPV offering of 2007.

The Card:

WWE Champion John Cena vs Umaga
WWE World Tag Team Champions Rated RKO vs D-Generation X
CAGE MATCH: WWE Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs Johnny Nitro
Ric Flair vs Kenny 'My Name Was Chosen From A Hat' Dykstra
Carlito vs The Masterpiece Chris Masters
WWE Women's Champion Mickie James vs Victoria

We're kicking off with the Cage Match.

I'm thinking we're probably going to get at least another match added to the card, mind.

Cryme Tyme vs The World's Greatest Tag Team is rumoured.

Why do Cage Match rules vary so much in the WWE? Sometimes you can win by pinfall/submission, sometimes you can only win by escaping the cage. Where's the consistancy?

J.R. says that the Intercontinental title has only changed hands twice in a Cage match. That doesn't sound right to me. Can't be bothered researching it though.

I remember Rikishi took it from Val Venis in a cage at one time.

Come on Nitro!

Thanks for the Play by Play tonight Carl.

And the cage match is up first.:nono: We may be in for a rough night.

Tito Santana also defeated Greg Valentine for the I-C strap in a Cage Match. You know, I think ole J.R. was right, for a change.

This thread has been done within the past 10 years, 'cmon people!

:shifty:

But yeah, cool deal. :y:

Not ordering this.

What are the rules in this cage match?

The feud between Nitro and Hardy has disappointed me thus far. For two lightning quick and contemporary wrestlers, 90% of their matches have been slow and sluggish affairs.

Thus far, this Cage Match has been the same.

Are escapes allowed?

It's an increasingly-rare free show in the UK.

This is a pinfall/submission/escape cage match.

You can tell the crowd is gagging for some high-paced action, by the way they pop whenever Jeff Hardy ups the ante, only to have Nitro slow him down just seconds later.

The story of this match so far: Jeff plays the mouse, constantly trying to escape the cage. Nitro plays the cat, stopping his momentum as soon as possible.

Nitro hit a lovely sunset flip sitdown powerbomb from the top of the cage, with Jeff stood on the top rope. The only highlight of this match so far.

SWEET! :D

Nitro is hanging upside down from the top of the cage, his feet caught in the grid at the top of the cage. Melina nails Hardy's fingers through the chicken wire fence with her belt. The pace has slowed down AGAIN. Even Lawler has noticed how frequently Hardy and Nitro have been simultaneously laid out on the mat in this contest.

Calling it. Hardy will go for the swanton, crash and burn and Nitro will escape.

Calling it now, even though it goes against my Tipsters: Umaga's going over and taking the title.

Predicted this in a scenario like 6 months ago.

Ive found its only Raw-events that are shown free on SkySports, all the fucking Smackdown events are on proper PPV. Which is a royal bitch. Damn WWE.

Jeff with a nice looking Swanton from the top rope onto Nitro, but it literally came out of nowhere. Tries the pinfall attempt, but Nitro gets the foot on the rope.

Jeff with an Irish whip to the ropes and a back body drop.

Nitro scaling the cage looking for the escape, it seems as though he is selling a leg injury.

Nitro nearly escapes but Hardy pulls Nitro back in by the hair. Attempts a twist of fate from the top rope but Nitro swats him away.

Foot on the rope!!!???? WTF is that. It's a cage match!

Jeff looking to escape through the door, but Melina blocks the door. Nitro over the top of the cage, but crotches himself on the cage door when Hardy kicks it open.

Hardy escapes through the door, to retain the title.

I'm sure they used that exact spot in a Chris Jericho vs X-Pac Cage Match back in 1999/2000.

One of the few door escapes...

Hey, isn't Diesel Mac there?

Carl, tell us if you see someone in the crowd with a Bud Light.

Every time Diesel Mac is on-screen, take a drink of Bud Ice.

Man law?

Well.....

Match 1. WWE Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy defeated Johnny Nitro w/ Melina in a Cage Match to retain the gold.

Backstage interview with Rated RKO, the World tag team champions.

Edge talks about not just beating DX, but ending their run for good.

Orton mocks the beatings they gave Ric Flair, HBK and HHH. He says they don't beat these guys up out of dislike, they are fighting for their livelihood.

Edge says the DX reunion was fun while it lasted, sold a lot of t-shirts, but tonight it is over.

Next up, we have a bonus match... it's a Tag Team Turmoil match, where the winner will receive a title match in the future.

Starting out, we have The Highlanders vs The World's Greatest Tag Team.

Usual Tag Team Turmoil rules.... when a team is eliminated, another team enters until all teams have competed and we have one winning team.

A new look for The Highlanders tonight, with brown kilts and boots. J.R. says they are fighting in tribute to Rowdy Roddy Piper who is of course battling cancer. I don't fancy their chances being the first team in the match.

DAMMIT, almost predicted a Turmoil match.

Ouch. Off to a rough start in Tipsters.

TWGTT are sporting near-matching outfits today too. The crowd seem to have turned against the Highlanders. Rory is getting some boos.

This match is certainly a card-filler.

I forgot to make a prediction in the last match (for the record, I would have said Jeff). In this match, I call Cryme Tyme to win it (if they are in it, of course)

Benjamin with a lovely springboard superplex from the top rope to eliminate Robbie and the Highlanders are out.

The next team out are that noted tag team combination 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan and Super Crazy.

:wtf:

Wow, Super Crazy gets the biggest pop of the night so far. The crowd are chanting his name!

WTF!?

Writer: We need another team!
Vince: Just throw out anything... I don't know, a Mexican and a Redneck...

Haas pins Crazy with a German suplex bridge, and Cade and Murdoch are next to arrive.

The Kemper Arena obviously has a secret portal to Bizarro World, because Cade and Murdoch are being cheered against TWGTT here.

Superhacksaw! *clap clap clap clap*

I spoke too soon, now the crowd have given up caring, and this match is playing out to silence.

Haas reminds me of late 90s Billy Gunn these days, for some reason.

Haas nails Murdoch with a flapjack and locks in the Haas of Pain.

Cade with an axe-handle on Haas and TWGTT are history.

Next team out is....

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Demolition? WTF?

April, May, June, July AND August Fool's.

Far from the Demos, we actually get Cryme Tyme and methinks this is the last team in the match.

In fact, Lawler has just confirmed that.

I take Cryme Tyme for the duke, unless TGWTT cost them the win somehow.

Nah, I think Val won that because Tazz interfered if you're talking about Fully Loaded 2000.

Didn't Rikishi win with a splash off the top of the cage?

Demolition is really wrestling?

Hmm, I was going to say it must be pretty weird for these guys, wrestling in the same spot that Owen Hart plummeted to his death, but then when you think about it, there's hardly anyone left who was actually around back in those days.

Nah, Tazz came out and hit Rikishi with the camera and Val won.

Cryme Tyme hit their finisher, whatever it is called, and JTG and Shad Gaspard win the Tag Team Turmoil. The Cryminals will now get a World tag team championship match in the near future.

It's called the G-9 I think.

Vince McMahon and Jonathon Coachman backstage, now.

McMahon is talking about Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell again.

I read that a McMahon vs Trump feud may be in the works.

Vince reckons the best way to resolve the Trump/O'Donnell feud is with physical abuse. Vince wants Donald Trump vs Rosie O'Donnell on Raw! He says he is going to make it happen.

Coach says that Vince's "You're Fired!" is the greatest catchphrase of all time. Ron Simmons arrives with one word: "Damn!"

Next up we have Kenny Dykstra vs Ric Flair.

Kenny arrives in a 'Nature Boy'-style robe. I called that earlier, when they discussed Kenny had a surprise for Flair in his gear bag in a WWE.com article.

Kenny says that he is 37-years Flair's junior. Everyone is apparently tired of seeing old man Ric get beaten down time after time.

Flair won several of his World championships before Dykstra was even born.

The bell rings, the match starts...

Dykstra has a world of potential and a naturally cocky and dislikable heel character, but I do think he shouldn't be showing up in WWE for another 2 years at least. Too much, too soon. Even if he gets over big time and becomes a main eventer, he will be overexposed and a tired act before he's even 30yrs old.

It is very rare that even a very popular/hated wrestler can maintain his heat for over a decade!

Look at some of the biggest names in wrestling history, they still faded out within ten years of making it big.

This is your basic, 21st century Flair match so far, but the crowd is into it, which always makes a match better.

Kenny attempts a figure-four, but Flair rolls him up for a near 3-count.

Flair definitely overuses that chop. He's going up top. Not usually a good move for Flair, and as standard, Flair is thrown across the ring.

Flair is going to work on the legs of Kenny now, and hooks in the figure-four leglock. Kenny is hanging on, and the crowd is going nuts.

Kenny's shoulders down for a 2-count, but Kenny is still holding on. Flair with a slap to the face whilst still locked in the leglock, and another 2 count, and Kenny reaches the ropes.

Kenny hits Ric with a low blow as referee Mike Chioda is distracted and a small package by Dykstra to take the victory.

The makes Kenny 3-0 against the Nature Boy is their recent matches (although I'm sure Flair has beaten Kenny in the past.)

Backstage, Nitro is telling Melina to go call Joey Mercury and tell him that they must make the Hardy Boyz pay.

As she leaves, Melina bumps into Victoria who tells her that the reason Melina is not on her checklist is because she believes the two ladies should form a team and, if so, Melina will get first shot at the Women's title when Victoria wins it.

The rundown so far:

1. Intercontinental champion Jeff Hardy defeated Johnny Nitro by door escape in a Cage match.
2. Cryme Tyme outlasted Cade/Murdoch, Duggan/Super Crazy, The World's Greatest Tag Team and The Highlanders in a Tag Team Turmoil match for a World Tag Team championship title match.
3. Kenny Dykstra pinned Ric Flair after a low blow.

We are now kicking off the WWE Women's Championship match, as Lawler declares that he LOVES women's matches, and that fans all around the world do too.

Well, King, I don't.

The most notable part of this match so far is the abysmal commentary by Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. These guys need replacing.

Melina arrives to support Victoria but gets nailed by her real-life nemesis Mickie James.

Melina stops Mickie hitting her impaler DDT, and Victoria reverses it into a Widow's Peak. Candice and Maria hit ringside to removes Melina, and Mickie slips out of the Widow's Peak and pins Victoria with the DDT.

Goddamnit.

Quick ad for the Hulk Ho-hum anthology, before we kick off the World Tag Team championship match.... D-Generation X, Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. the Champions, Rated RKO, Edge and Randy Orton.

Jesus. And I thought Vicky was sure to get the title. Zip points pretty much for tipsters.

Been a decent PPV so far imo. Looking forward to Dx V Rated RKO.

By the way, to all those who have repped me and thanked me for doing the play-by-play, no problem, the pleasure is all mine!

The DX music hits to a pretty lukewarm response, which only gets slightly louder when they arrive on the stage. Interesting.

We'll see how the crowd reacts to the mic spiel in a second....

Hmm. I've gotten through a tube of Revels, a bag of jelly beans and half a pack of cigarettes since this show started, and it's not even 90 mins yet!

I'm getting this one for free in the UK!

I refused to buy Armageddon off the back of the awful December To Disappoint, and ended up missing what's being described as the match of the year.

God, I hate that rated-rko theme, why haven't they changed it yet? Its shite.

The match starts off with brawling at ringside, and I think this could end up being the match of the night. All four of these men have excelled in a brawling environment in the past, so this could be a good one unless they cool things considerably and turn this into your standard tag team match. These guys haven't hit the ring yet, the bell still hasn't rung.....

and as I typed those words, the bell indeed rung and this match is now officially underway.

Be prepared to shell out more for the Rumble. If that ends up being good.

Back in the day, all WWE PPVs were shown live for free on Sky Sports in the UK. Everytime Sky renews their contract with the Fed, we seem to get more and more PPVs switched over to Sky Box Office (PPV). Nowadays we only get about half the PPVs each year for free (well, on cable, but not PPV). I mean, can't really complain because I would have been furious if I'd had to pay for the ECW shambles. I probably buy about 2/3 of the PPVs, but I gave Armageddon a miss because i) the card looked lacklustre and ii) D2D left a nasty taste in my mouth.

As it transpired, I missed the four way tag team ladder match (London/Kendrick vs Hardys vs MNM vs Regal/Taylor) which is being talked about as the match of the year.

Royal Rumble will be Box Office in the UK, but that's one show I will definitely pay for. That and WrestleMania are musts.

Hello guys.

Orton is busted open, hardway I believe. Michaels has made the hot tag and is cleaning house on Rated RKO.

Michaels looking for the top rope elbow drop on Edge and hits it, but Orton nails HBK. HHH in and takes out Orton, and HBK backdrops Edge over the rope. Michaels with a tope cannonball flip on both Orton and Edge.

Going into this event, I was almost intrigued. I thought that there may be a Val Venis vs. Eugene match (to settle their budding feud), a Fatal Fourway Tag Team Match (way better than that Turmoil shit, Turmoil only works if the teams are established, in my opinion) and I was really looking forward to some of the matches.

Jeff Hardy defeating Johnny Nitro was the right decision, but I was expecting it to go down in a moment that could be replayed on WWE television for years to come. I was expecting like a Swanton Bomb off the top of the cage when Joey Mercury and Kevin Federline got steel chairs, and waited for Hardy on the floor to end it. That would have been so fucking sweet.

Mickie James defeating Victoria cleanly? Ew. Looks like we've got nothing for the Women's Division except Mickie vs. Melina. Could be interesting, I guess. Still kind of takes the wind out of the metaphorical sails of the division, though. Maybe Mickie James will join up with The Hardys? I have heard of stupider things.

I would have personally given the win in the Tag Team Turmoil to Haas and Benjamin. Cryme Tyme are over and what-not, but there's no sense protecting them. Shelton Benjamin was 3-0 at New Year's Revolution heading into this match. He won two more falls, but he ultimately lost the match. Records don't mean anything in the WWE, but you never know when they'll come in handy.

It's pretty obvious that Rated-RKO will retain here, and Cryme Tyme will win the Titles on RAW. Stupid WWE.

Edge spears HBK on the apron, and HBK plummets to the floor. Orton nails Michaels with the belt. I sense a double DQ/count-out in this match.

Michaels is busted open.

I'm hoping for a Ric Flair heel turn. :y:

Past: Ric Flair
Present: Edge
Present and Future: Randy Orton
Future: Kenny Dykstra

Replace that alternating theme with "Line in the Sand". :love:

Now Rated RKO using the "cutting off the ring" technique to punish the "injured" HBK. Antiquated tag team psychology, but if anyone can pull this off, it's the 'supreme selling machine' Shawn Michaels.

There's no shame in watching the awesomeness of Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, William Regal, Dave Taylor, Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, with appearances of Melina hottness. No matter what you think about wrestling.

Come on, Flair! WOOO! Where were DX when you needed them?

I'm thinking that if this match ends with a schmozz or a screwy finish, we have to get a clean finish in the Cena vs Umaga match. WWE can't end TWO title matches on fuck-job finishes.... can they?

Saying that, I still remember the December 1997 PPV, "DeGeneration X", AKA "Disqualification X".

The show where four out of the eight matches ended on a DQ, including the main event.

Triple H is favouring his knee, and I'm not quite sure if this is a work or a genuine injury here as I missed it. Triple H's leg gave out on an RKO, and I'm thinking this might be a real injury here.

Plus, HBK was selling a leg injury earlier in the match so it would be strange to have the same gimmick twice in one match.

Ric Flair should pass on the title of "Nature Boy" onto Kenny Dykstra. For one, Dykstra can actually pull off being a boy. Secondly, that's probably the last thing Flair can do to put someone over. It would instantly make Dykstra a major player.