TPWW Forums - Vastardikai books the best (?) All Out Possible.

Disclaimer: Once again, I am clearly taking the piss. Also, I posted a non-Omega related post earlier so I have to get the ratio back to normal. :shifty:

Best Friends (Orange Cassidy, Chuck Taylor, and Wheeler Yuta) and Jurassic Express (Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus) (with Marko Stunt) vs. Hardy Family Office (Matt Hardy, Private Party (Isiah Kassidy and Marq Quen) and The Hybrid 2 (Angélico and Jack Evans):
Fun fact, 1 of these guys headlined the last Pay Per View. I am not saying he should have, I'm just saying he did. Cassidy and Luchasaurus took turns throwing really slow kicks at Marq Quen. Only one of them was working his gimmick. Matt Hardy threw Marko Stunt into the air. He didn't come down. No one knows what they were trying to do, but Evans and Angelico botched it and pinned Yuta. This set the new World Record for most botches in a single match.

2. Women's Casino Battle Royal:
This match was almost called off before it began, because Tony "The Forbidden Door" Khan doesn't like having two women's matches on the same main show. First elimination was Thunder Rosa, by Jamie Hayter and Rebel, who is under a new gimmick: Not Rebel, Not Reba, but Rebecca. Cargill, Swole, and Rose decide to have a contest to figure out who can hurt their opponent the worst by fucking up a move. Red Velvet missed her standing moonsault and broke her neck. Kiera Hogan was eliminated by Tay Conti, but everyone is looking at Tay's ass and don't notice. Nyla Rose injured Not Rebel, Not Reba, but Rebecca's knee again then eliminates her. Jade Cargill gave Anna Jay a stinger on her shoulder when throwing her out of the ring carelessly. Julia Hart was injured by Big Swole when she stepped on her ankle. She then got thrown out of the ring, where she was kidnapped by Max Caster.

The mystery opponent was revealed to be Lulu Pencil, in her finest pink overalls. The fans ooh and ah over her getting this shot, as opposed to Ruby Soho. By the way, does anyone else think that people who think Alexa Bliss wearing overalls was hot? Those folks should be on a list somewhere. Riho threw a dropkick that sent Nyla 3/4s of the way across the ring, over the top rope, and onto the floor. Jade looked at Diamante, who eliminated herself because fuck that shit. Abaddon looks like a god damned nightmare come to life, but the commentary talks about how she likes to paint pictures of flowers on her off time. Hayter eliminates Jade, but somehow gets injured in the process. Big Swole throws her out, injuring her further. The Bunny botches an attack, eliminating Swole 2 minutes early. Tay Conti does more stuff, but everyone is still looking at her ass and doesn't notice.

Abaddon is eliminated by the Bunny, who distracts her with a carrot. Emi Sakura dumps the Bunny. Kenny Omega runs in with a big wad of bills. He hands the bills to Emi and points at Lulu. Lulu then eliminates King and herself. She leaves the ring with Omega, who has a salacious grin on his face. By the way, seriously, aren't the Alexa Bliss fans a bunch of Pedophiles or what? King and Sky were eliminated at some point, no one knows when. They were too busy staring at Tay Conti's ass to notice. Leyla Hirsch eliminates Tay, causing the entire audience to turn on her. Hirsch is then eliminated by Riho, making her the crowd favorite. Riho then eliminates Penelope Ford, Emi Sakura, and Diamante in short order. It appears to be down to Riho and Shida, who was standing in the middle of the ring the whole time not doing anything. No one noticed, in part because they were used to her not being there, but mainly because they were staring at Tay Conti's ass the whole time. They have an incredible battle, but end up both going over the top rope and hitting at the same time. People wonder who the winner is, until the official announcement: Red Velvet was never eliminated, and despite having died 2 minutes ago, is the winner. This match broke the World Record for most botches in a single match.

Moxley vs Kojima:
It's actually a fun match between the ultraviolent Moxley and the Legendary Kojima. It ends when Kojima goes shoulder first into the top turnbuckle, Mox rolls him up, and pins him with his feet on the ropes. Everyone is a winner coming out of it: Moxley gets the victory, Kojima gets a legion of new fans, X gets paid a ridiculous amount of money, and Renee gets sole custody and 20,000 a month alimony.

Paul Wight vs QT Marshall:
The ring breaks during this match. Not because of Wight's weight or any big move done to Wight: it's just poorly constructed. Wight knocks out Comorato and Solow with big punches. He charges at Marshall, but goes shoulder first into the top turnbuckle. QT rolls him up, and puts his feet on the ropes for the pin. The crowd... was all at the concession stand and didn't miss anything.

There was a long break while AEW officials scrambled to set up the back-up ring. They proceeded to air some backstage segments. The first one was Mrs. Huber seeing -1 and Jungle Boy playing Crystal Crisis against each other. Mrs. Huber asked her son where he got the new toy and where his babysitter was. -1 said that Tay's new friend gave it to him, and gave one to Jungle Boy, as well. A few seconds later, out come Tay and Anna, smoking cigarettes. Mrs. Huber asked what happened, Anna said that they got "Smashed and Stacked." Tay said "Eu reconheço o Chefe Tribal!" Mrs. Huber peeks into the room, smiles and says she'll be right back. The last thing she says before she closes the door is "Ahyessir!"

CM Punk stands in front of a green screen, and does a touching tribute to his former girlfriend Shannon Spruill, aka Daffney. He says that mental health is very important and to be caring and loving to one another. As he says this, the real names and addresses of AEW's critics pop up over his shoulder.

Chris Jericho vs MJF:
The new ring is set up and has a new skirting advertising Team Vision Dojo. Jericho comes out to Judas, eating a deep dish pizza. He is blown up halfway to the ring. MJF comes out, determined to end Chris Jericho once and for all. The bell rings. MJF looks like he's going to win, but he gets attacked Wardlow, no DQ. Out comes Shawn Spears who beats MJF further, no DQ. Out comes Juvi, who tries to give MJF a 450, but botches it and gets hung up in the ropes. No DQ. Finally, out comes Nick Gage, dressed as the Noid. He shoves a light tube up MJF's ass and carves "Were iz mah Meff" in MJF's forehead with a pizza cutter. Still no DQ. Jericho hits Judas Effect for a 2 count. Jericho then rams MJF shoulder first into the top turnbuckle before rolling him up and putting his feet on the ropes for the victory. Jericho continues to wrestle.

Out comes a huge surprise: Adam Page. The crowd starts their "Cowboy Shit" chant as he calls out Kenny Omega. Omega comes out. Lulu Pencil is next to him, but kind of stand-offish. Omega says he'll give him a title shot if he can beat Brandon Cutler, but if he loses, he can never challenge for his title again. Page accepts. Cutler comes out, a bit nervous. Omega sneaks behind Page and gives him a low blow, then the One Winged Angel. The bell rings 5 minutes later, Cutler pins Page with his pinkie. The fans cheer, as the Long Term Booking delivers yet another chapter.

Miro vs Eddie Kingston:
Another Fun match. Miro wins after shoving Eddie Kingston shoulder first into the top turnbuckle, then rolling him up with his feet in the ropes for the win. People are raving over the creative booking on display by Tony "The Forbidden Door" Khan.

Young Bucks vs. Lucha Brothers in a Cage:
The Cage is poorly put together. Early on, one of the sides falls off the structure and lands into the crowd, injuring 25 people. Everyone does everything, nothing registers, it just kills the crowd deader than a fallen side of steel cage. Fenix does a huge dive off the top of the cage, missing everyone. Cutler doesn't interfere, though he clearly can if he wants to, with the one side of the cage not being there and all. Fenix is the first one out, climbing over the top of the cage. Penta climbs to the top of the cage. He does his Zero Miedo taunt from the top of the cage. Both Bucks take the opportunity to hop out of the missing side of the cage to win.

Britt vs. Statlander:
This match was the drizzling shits. Britt wins, but breaks both of her arms in the process, because Statlander is so terrible in the ring. This match broke the World Record for most botches in a single match.

In other news, it's been reported that the family of the man behind the AEWBotches Twitter Account have been murdered execution style. No one knows how they found his address.

CM Punk vs. Darby Allin:
A huge package was put together. Darby comes in with Sting. Punk comes out to "Cult of Personality" to a massive hometown ovation. They wrestle to a Double Countout. 2point0 and Garcia run in and attack all parties involved. Sting, Punk, and Allin fight them off. The segment ends with the first ever Triple Scorpion Deathlock.

Kenny Omega vs. Christian Cage:
Christian Cage comes out first, he is wearing a blue dot mask over his head. Kenny Omega comes out next, with Lulu Pencil on a leash behind him. Don Callis is next to him. JR accidentally calls him the "Greatest WWE Champion of all Time!" Hooded men grab JR and drag him out of the ringside area. Omega and Cage have a decent back and forth battle. At one point, Omega is sent shoulder first into the top turnbuckle. Cage rolls him up and puts his feet on the ropes. Omega kicks out before 1.

Cage prepares for the Unprettier to win the AEW Title, but Don Callis distracts the referee. "Yakkity Sax" plays over the PA system and a stop watch appears on the Tron. The Bucks interfere, but are cut off by Jurassic Express. The Good Brothers interfere, but are cut off by Shida, who Anderson confuses for his Hot Asian Wife, and a guy in a Gorilla suit, but it may have been Comoroto. Cutler attempts to interfere, but accidentally grabs the breast of the one woman in the front row, who gives chase. The rest of the front row, realizing there was a woman in the audience chase her. Nakazawa attempts to interfere, but is trampled by the raging incels. A chair ends up in the ring somehow, and Christian counters a One Winged Angel into the Unprettier. Christian throws the chair out of the ring as Callis finishes his distraction of referee Rick Knox. The Timer stops at 5 minutes. The referee turns around to see Christian getting V-Triggered by Omega, who no sold the Unprettier. Omega then proceeds to give Christian a Downward Spiral. Then a Edge-o-Matic. Then an Edgecater. Then an EdgeCution. Rick Knox is distracted again, this time by a moth that flies by. The Bucks come back in and give Christian a Con-Chair-To. They leave the ring as the moth leaves Rick's View. Omega hits a spear. He then nails a One-Winged Angel for the win.

Omega takes the mic and declares his greatness. He decides he's going to continue with his belt collection. He declares that he will be going after the NWA Title, then Callis reminds him of who the NWA Champion is. He then changes his mind promptly. He decides to go after the MLW Title instead, because no one in AEW can give him a proper challenge.

The lights go out. The opening synthesizer for "Final Countdown" starts to play. The crowd goes ballistic. The lights come on, and it's Marty Scurll standing in the middle of the ring, Umbrella in hand. The crowd is confused at first at the swerve. Marty opens his umbrella, revealing the words "I sent Tony the text messages." And the crowd starts "Whoop Whoop"ing, and praising Booker of the Year Tony "The Forbidden Door" Khan for a swerve well done.

The camera cuts outside, where Jim Ross is being burned at the stake for the crime of saying "WWE" One time too many. The crowd cheers, because they would rather hear Excaliber talk any day.