How do I keep my laptop online when it's closed
 

Like whenever I close my laptop it goes offline even though it's still plugged in to the internet. Which is retarded, why would anybody want that to happen

It probably goes into standby mode.

Go to Display Properties --> Screensaver --> Power. The options to change what happens to the laptop when you close it should be in the first menu, IIRC. It should be set to "Go to standby" or something, just change it to "Do Nothing" or "Turn off monitor," whichever is there.

What does "Hibernate" do

Turns off the computer, but when you start up again, you will start up where you left off (i.e. any windows you left open will still be open)

Yeah, Hibernate is a glorified Standby. I hate that XP makes Standby the default action when you close your laptop lid. That's the first thing to fix on my to-do list if I ever have to reinstall XP again.

Hibernate is shit, it dumps your memory to a hard drive cache, so when you start up it can load what was in your memory.

What you want is the second tab I think (under control panel, power), and it says "When I close the lid of my laptop" Change it to "Do nothing"

*edit*

Even though VC Said that....