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GENE SNITSKY - BODY ODOUR PROBLEM
Before a RAW trip abroad, General Manager Eric Bischoff enters Gene Snitsky's locker room. "Gene, there seems to be a bit of a problem with your passport."
"What's wrong, Boss?"
"Well, the government says that there's a typo on it and that your name isn't really Gene Snitsky."
"Uh-WHAAAAAAA?!?"
Snitsky then goes on a quest to track down his birth certificate (which is a problem, since he was adopted as a small boy after causing his mother to miscarry what would have been his baby sister). He finally does find it and, naturally, the cameras are there. He sets it down in front of him and reads, only to find out that his name isn't actually "Snitsky." It's...
...wait for it...
..."Stinksy."
(Can you believe Vince hasn't come up with this one already?)
Well, Gene Stinksy decides to embrace his newfound heritage by refusing to bathe. It all comes to a head at the 2006 Royal Rumble when Snitsky enters at #27, with a ring full of competitors. He steps into the ring, and everyone else, fleeing his horrific b.o., dives out of the ring. The remaining three entrants remain in the locker room, and Stinksy wins the WWE Title shot!
The next night on RAW, Stinksy comes out (all by himself, naturally) and grabs a microphone. "You see, all this time I've been refusing to take credit for my own actions! Well, you know what?" He then proceeds to rip an enormous fart. "That WAS my fault!" He throws down the microphone while the audience throws up their dinners.
JOHN CENA - DEAF
During a match against Kurt Angle, the chants of "Cena sucks" become downright deafening. Cena finally hits the FU on Angle and decides to rub in his victory by applying the Ankle Lock. He twists and tears until Angle taps out. The referee calls for the bell, but...Cena won't release the hold! He continues to pull at the ankle, and the bell continues to ring, but Cena is relentless! "Oh my GOD! This is a side of John Cena I've never seen! (Except for when he was a heel at the beginning of his career.) Sorry, Vince! Don't fire me!"
The referee finally pulls Cena off of Angle and awards Kurt the match via disqualification. The crowd continues to boo him mercilessly, but Cena is completely befuddled. After the match, Maria tries to catch up to Cena for an interview, but Johnny just keeps on walking, completely ignoring her requests.
The next week we find out that - due to the overwhelming response Cena has been garnering from WWE fans - he has actually gone deaf. He comes down to the ring and lays down tone-deaf beats. No one notices. As a final touch, Cena begins to punctuate his every promo with the following catchphrase:
"You can't see me! And I can't hear you!"
HARDCORE HOLLY - GAY PRIEST
After yet another crushing defeat at the hands of...anybody, Hardcore Holly turns introspective. In a series of vignettes, we see Holly trying to find himself. Finally, he turns to the priesthood, with the promise of eternal peace in the next life.
However, at his first service, he is appalled to see that the altar boys are so damned young! After the service, he takes them back to his office to explain how things should work in the faith.
"Now, I know you boys are here because you're faithful to the Lord God. And I appreciate that. I really do. But I had to come up to this point in my life the hard way. I had to pay some dues. Have you kids ever had to pay dues?"
"Uh...I returned a copy of Finding Nemo late to Blockbuster once."
Holly becomes so enraged that he stiffs the kid with a forearm.
"Now lemme show you how we made youngsters pay dues at my old job."
A few weeks later, Holly returns to action by doing a run-in during a Juniors match. He clears the ring and grabs a microphone. The boos are deafening, because we all saw what he did to those poor kids.
"You people have no right to boo me! I'm a man of faith! This robe makes me immune to your criticism. (Did I forget to mention he's wearing a robe? 'Cause he is) Besides, there are more important things to worry about! Why get all worked up over me having sex with your children when there are violent video games out there with no scientifically proven link to adolescent violence? Mischa Barton's nipple appeared for less than a second on the O.C. the other night! All of the eight-year-old little girls who were watching the salacious nighttime soap will now grow up to be sluts and have pre-marital sex! And worst of all...there are DEMOCRATS!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOLLY! HOLLY! HOLLY!"
"Bishop" Bob Holly then goes on to form an uber-successful tag team with Shawn Michaels that persecute Khosrow Daivari for the rest of his career.
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I'll do more later.
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