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RAW returns to Batista’s locker room, where Batista is shown putting his kneepads back on and Stephanie is seen refastening her miniskirt.
STEPHANIE: So, do we have a deal?
BATISTA: Huh? Oh, no deal. But thanks for the warm-up. I feel great! [
flexes his pecs] I’m gonna KILL Big Show, Kane, Kid Kash, and Trish!!! [
walks out as Steph looks on with a horrified expression on her face]
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Batista’s music hits and the crowd goes crazy as the fan favorite makes his way back to the show that made him a champion. In the ring already are Big Show, Kane, Kid Kash, and Trish Stratus. Batista does his standard pyros and pose and stuff, then gets into the ring and makes a beeline toward Trish!
KING: What’s he doing!!! He can’t hurt Trish!!!
STYLES: I don’t think that’s what he has in—oh, that definitely wasn’t what he had in mind, because he’s making out with Trish Stratus now!!! Boy is he the luckiest man on the planet!!!
The bell rings as Batista continues to smooch the women’s champion, slowly tipping her backwards and onto the mat.
STYLES: OH MY GAWD!!! Batista is making out with Trish and is literally on top of her!!! Oh, the FCC is really going to hate us tonight!
Suddenly, noticing her shoulders are pinned, the ref makes the count!
1…
2…
3!!!
*Ding! Ding! Ding!*
KING: Did Batista just become the new Women’s Champion?
Referee raises Batista’s hand in victory and presents him with the belt.
COACH: Yes he did!!!
Batista gets back up and lets a flustered Trish Stratus roll out of the ring. Meanwhile, the crowd engages in a chant of “HOLY SHIT!!”
STYLES: Dave Batista is the WWE Women’s Champion!!!
Kid Kash immediately charges Batista, but is met with a massive Spinebuster! A quick three-count later and Batista is holding the Cruiserweight Belt!
STYLES: Batista is the Cruiserweight Champion!!! Oh, wait, he just gave the title to a fan because it’s not worth a lot.
COACH: And it looks like the fan is giving it back because he doesn’t think it’s worth anything either!
CRUISERWEIGHTS: [
backstage] :’(
Finally, Big Show and Kane double team Batista. Both men clobber him with vicious blows, then toss him against the ropes and give him a double clothesline! They get the big man back up, then slap their hands on his neck in preparation for a double chokeslam!
COACH: Don’t do it! That’s the move that injured Dave’s lat on SmackDOWN! … I mean hurt his shoulder on RAW when he got slammed onto a car!!!
Valiantly, Batista fights out of it and gives Big Show a huge Spinebuster that nearly collapses the ring! Kane goes for a big boot, but Batista shows off his dancing techniques by spinning out of it, doing a perfect pirouette, and then spearing Kane! The Big Red Machine is down and groggy, and Dave seizes the opportunity to finish this once and for all. Kicking Kane in the gut, he sets up the Demon Bomb, flips the big man over, and nails it!!!
1…
2…
3!!!
STYLES: OH MY GAWD!!!! Batista is now the RAW Tag Champ, SmackDOWN Tag Champ, U.S. Champ, Women’s Champ, Cruiserweight Champ, AND World Heavyweight Champion of the world!!!!
COACH: Eat that, Triple H!!!!!
STYLES & KING:
KING: Guys, we’ve just received word that Jonathan Coachman has just been fired. We here at the WWE wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors.
COACH: What?!
KING: Sorry, Coach. You’re gone.
COACH: But I—
Suddenly, a latch below Coach’s seat opens, and Coachman plummets down a fiery shaft, screaming all the way.
STYLES: We’ll be back after this!!!
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[Commercial Break]
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Bobby Lashley and Orlando Jordan are seen in a car driving through a rough neighborhood. OJ’s riding shotgun while Lashley is looking mean.
OJ: Hey… um… hey man, you sure we should be around here th-th-this late at night? It doesn’t look safe man.
LASHLEY: Man, you fucking coward. These the means streets, brotha! And Bobby Lashley’s a child of the streets.
OJ: Um… o…o…ok. As long as we don’t g-g-g-get hurt.
LASHLEY: Does Bobby Lashley have to choke a bitch? Be a man, punk! No wonder you got jobbed out to Benoit in 25 seconds. Fuck! I’ll bet you would have never even become champ if you didn’t suck on JBL’s balls every night!
OJ: Alright. P-p-p-p-please don’t hurt me.
All of a sudden, the car comes to a stop. A figure on the other side of the street is seen walking towards the car.
OJ: Why we stop, man?
LASHLEY: Looks like a brotha wants trouble. Shit, I’m gonna have to teach this bitch a lesson. [
opens the door to get out]
OJ: What are you doing? What if he’s got a knife??
LASHLEY: Man, I’m Bobby Lashley, BITCH! I’ll choke a nigga out!!
OJ: You can’t say that word! We’ll get fined!!
LASHLEY: Fuck that! This bitch is gonna get his teeth bashed in!!!
Lashley gets out of his car and waits for the man to approach him. As he steps out of the shadows, his identity is revealed.
OJ: [
from inside the car] Hey! It’s former WWE superstar and perennial cage dweller Sean O’Haire!
O’HAIRE: That’s not anything you don’t alredy know.
LASHLEY: Shut up, punk! You want to mess with The Real Deal? I’m Bobby Lashley, and I’m gonna choke you out, bitch!
O’HAIRE: But I just wanted to tell you that I arghlghllhhhrrlrlrllrghhhhhhh…
Orlando screams in fright as Lashley simply throttles Sean O’Haire and forces him down to the ground. After Sean stops moving, Bobby goes to the back of the car, pops the trunk, and gets out a crow bar!
OJ: Bobby, no!
Mercilessly, Lashley begins to beat the living shit out of O’Haire! Well, dead shit now.
OJ: [
sobbing] No! That’s enough Bobby!!! That’s enough-ough-ough-ough!!!! Pleeeeease, Bobby! Stop it now!!! He’s already go-o-o-one!!!
After about five minutes, Bobby stands back up and wipes the blood off his face. Then, composing himself, he gets back into the car.
LASHLEY: And THAT’S why you don’t mess with The Real Deal. YOU UNDERSTAND?????
OJ: [
nods meekly]
LASHLEY: I thought so!
Lashley and Orlando Jordan drive off, leaving the bloodied and battered mess formerly known as Sean O’Haire in the middle of the street.
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[Commercial Break]
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