[loopydate]

Because I'm monumentally bored and I don't have enough time to start working on another match before Survivor comes on...

RAW Roster

Ashley - The winner of the second Diva Search. Rather than being seasoned in OVW, she was immediately thrust into a wrestling role on TV, and it shows. She's sloppy to the point of being dangerous, which we found out when she got injured being thrown out of a battle royal last week, breaking her leg.

Big Show - One of those guys who can do it all character-wise. Really underrated, but valuable member of the roster. Can do comedy or serious, face or heel, main-eventer or midcard jobber. And no matter what happens, he'll always be credible because he's big and can move.

Candice - A lot of people seem to really like her, but I just can't stand her. She's the girl from the "GoDaddy.com" commercials, and that's really the extent of her gimmick. "Hey, I'm a model and Vince McMahon ogles me on a practically weekly basis!"

Carlito - One of a handful of guys who I seriously think is the "future" of the industry. Has one of those gimmicks that, when you see it on paper, looks absolutely ridiculous, but he's so much fun to watch. Spitting apple in people's faces is the best physical taunt since Razor Ramon flicked toothpicks at people. One of my favorites.

Chavo Guerrero - WWE has no idea what to do with this guy. Ignore for a second that he's on RAW, despite the fact that the Cruiserweight Title is exclusive to SmackDown. Up until his uncle's death, he was a heel, betraying his heritage. Now he's having a minor sympathy push, but he still gets beat by Triple H and Shelton Benjamin.

Chloe - Yes, WWE.com lists Torrie Wilson's dog on their roster page. NEXT!

Chris Masters - He's starting to grow on me. After breaking Stevie Richards' face in his debut match, I thought I'd hate him forever, but he has gotten a lot less sloppy over the last year. He's still really slow and has a lame finisher, but he seems to want to learn. Pairing him with Carlito was a great idea, since Carlito's such a fantastic talker and Masters...isn't.

Danny Basham - The guy is really talented but, again, WWE doesn't know what to do with him. He was brought in with his "brother" as a tag team on SmackDown. They had good chemistry, but they wound up doing the job an awful lot. Danny going to RAW seemed like a good idea, except it's nine months later, and he's probably only been on RAW, what, twice?

Edge - One of WWE's great recent failures. They had potential gold when he won the Money In The Bank match at last year's WM. Then they stuck him in the midcard for nine months before having him win the title out of the blue at NYR. Good idea in principle...until they made him job the belt back to Cena three weeks later. And people wonder why WWE fans tend to not react much to him?

Eugene - Totally torn on this gimmick. On one hand, it's a whole lot better than I thought it would be. It's a funny character, and pretty much the ultimate sympathetic babyface. On the other, Nick Dinsmore is such a phenomenal in-ring competitor, I really don't want to see him as a "wrestling retard" for the rest of his career.

Gene Snitsky - He's slow and has a limited moveset, but there's something really watchable about him. It could just be that he's so freaking ugly. Or that "It wasn't my fault" is one of the best current catchphrases in wrestling. Now, though, he's pretty much been relegated to being The World's Second-Biggest Jobber.

Goldust - So glad they brought him back. So maybe they do "still remember" after all? Hasn't done much since returning at the Royal Rumble, but Dustin Runnels plays that character to the hilt. Even if he does nothing but appear in comedy skits for the rest of his career, it will be worth it.

Hulk Hogan - I have no idea why he's still on the roster page, considering he hasn't been on WWE TV since August.

Jerry Lawler - Bores. Me. To. Tears. The ultimate one-note joke (pervy old man), he insists on hitting that joke as many times as he can in a two-hour show. And don't get me started on the fact that every time they try to get a hotshot young heel over, they do so by...jobbing him to Lawler.

Joey Styles - The Antilawler. The best play-by-play man in the business was such a great acquisition for WWE. I don't have to mute my TV anymore for risk of hearing about government mules and bahgawdstunners. Now, I get Joey's (slightly awkward) move-by-move account of the matches with very little of the side crap that made me hate JR.

John Cena - Had so much potential as the hard-ass heel rapper on SmackDown, but WWE dropped that ball, picked it up, then dropped it again when they turned him face, started writing his "freestyles" for him, and took away anything resembling an edge. He's starting to get "Rocky Sucks" heat, but WWE is totally ignoring it because the kids still seem to love him.

Johnny Parisi - Did they sign him just so that TNA couldn't have him? I seriously don't think I've ever actually seen him on RAW, and his jobbing appearances on Heat are becoming rarer as well. Too bad, because he's above average in the ring and could make a good heel "stooge" character like Vito on SmackDown.

Jonathan Coachman - Has improved greatly over the years, but I'm still not totally sold on him as the third man on the RAW announce team. I guess if I had my 'druthers, I'd take Lawler out and see what Styles & Coach could do as a tandem. Coach plays the obnoxious heel role well, but I'd really rather him have fewer in-ring moments and just concentrate on commentary.

Kane - Another monumental WWE failure. When Kane was unmasked a couple of years ago, he was more interesting than he'd been maybe ever. The whole "psychological scars" thing seemed really interesting. And then they made Shane McMahon into a physical threat to him. Years later, he's still trying to recover from that.

Lance Cade - A ton of potential. Probably still a little green, which is why I'm glad he seems to be spending more time in OVW than on RAW lately. Trained at Shawn Michaels' school, so you know he was taught by the best. His partnership with Murdoch was promising, so naturally they dropped the team without any explanation.

Lillian Garcia - Uh... She's still the ring announcer. And she's kinda pretty. Guess that's it.

Lita - Ugh. All I'll say is, at least she's not wrestling anymore.

Maria - Probably my favorite diva right now. She plays the idiot bimbo interviewer so well, I wonder how close it is to reality. She's such a great set up to any comedic promoer's punchlines. And the best part is that they didn't try to make her into a wrestler. She's been in a couple of matches, but she's almost always protected by people with a ton more experience so she doesn't end up looking like Ashley in the ring. What a novel concept!

Matt Striker - One of the best characters on RAW right now, it's a pity he hasn't actually been on RAW in months. Think Dean Douglas done right. His promos are always a highlight on Heat or Unlimited (whichever web show they decide to stick him on in a given week). He's good in the ring, too, but I can't remember the last time they let him show it.

Mick Foley - While I still contend that he's a bit overrated, I'm thrilled to see him back and feuding with Edge. If anybody can get people interested in Edge again after WWE's monumental cock-up, it's Mick. The master of psychology, even if he's not in ring shape anymore (was he ever, really?). A hardcore match will help cover any rust and should help get Edge over as a brutal heel.

Mickie James - Okay, if Maria isn't my favorite diva, it's Mickie. She's really the only worker among the divas who can even come close to Trish and Victoria, and you could probably argue that she may be better than them. Her "Single White Female" gimmick is good, even though WWE still isn't entirely sure whether they want to make her a full-blown lesbian heel or not.

Mr. McMahon - I'm tired of him. I've always thought he was more interesting as a deus ex machina, the authority figure who descends from on high to make the big feud-ending gimmick match. But as a weekly on-camera character taking TV time away from the Matt Strikers of the world, I'm really really tired of him.

Rene Dupree - Glad he's back in OVW for the time being, because he really is a very good worker, they just didn't have a spot for him on RAW. The beauty is that American people will always hate the French for some reason, so he's a guaranteed cheap heat heel whenever they want to bring him back.

Ric Flair - Possibly the greatest of all time. But he's 57 years old now. Do we really want to see him in a ladder match at WrestleMania? His back is shot so he can't take a lot of bumps properly, and he just looks older and older every week. I would love to see him lose a straight-up one-on-one match to someone like Carlito at Mania and pass the torch. Then have him retire and work as a manager or put him back as GM.

Rob Conway - "Just look at me." I would if WWE would let me. The "Conman" has a great workrate and a gimmick with potential, so naturally WWE jobbed him out in his first couple of matches, then made him completely disappear. Seriously, do the people who work for WWE even watch WWE?

Rob Van Dam - After a year off with an injury, RVD looks as good as ever. He's still incredibly crisp in the ring, and has even added a couple of moves (or, more likely, Vince let him go back to using moves he used to use long ago) to his repertoire. I would have marked out if he'd won the Road To Wrestlemania tournament, but that was a foregone conclusion that HHH would main event.

Rosey - Now that Gregory Helms isn't a superhero anymore and is on SmackDown, there is absolutely nothing for him. I hope the rumors of a Three Minute Warning reunion are true. Rosey is a good tag team worker in a company that has almost completely killed off its tag division.

Shawn Michaels - My favorite wrestler of all time. But even I'm wondering if he might be better served retiring. He still puts on phenomenal matches, but given the choice between HBK/Vince at Mania and no HBK at all, I think I'd go with no HBK at all.

Shelton Benjamin - This time last year, I thought Shelton would be main eventing by this point this year. Probably stole WrestleMania 21. And now, we're building up to WM22 and...his "momma" has to come in to help him win the Intercontinental Title? Another example of ball-droppage on WWE's part.

Spirit Squad - My absolute favorite thing on RAW right now. Johnny, Kenny, Mikey, Nicky, and Mitch are all quite good in the ring, and play their gimmick so well. Their handicap match against HBK on RAW a couple of weeks ago is hopefully an indication that Vince will let these guys be more than a joke stable. Probably not, though.

Stacy Keibler - Maybe now that she's done dancing with the stars, we'll see her back on RAW. But doing what? I seriously can't think of anything for her to do. We really don't need another non-wrestler fighting for the Women's Title, but there aren't really any guys I can think of that would benefit greatly from having a valet.

Stone Cold - Again, why is he on the roster? Didn't they learn their lesson when they tried to book him for Taboo Tuesday and he backed out? The guy's unreliable, uninteresting, and unwelcome on my TV.

The Rock - Couldn't tell you the last time he was on RAW doing anything other than hyping his latest movie. Has he wrestled since that WrestleMania tag match two years ago?

Todd Grisham - Really don't have an opinion on Todd. He's an interviewer.

Torrie Wilson - Yeah, she was on the cover of Playboy, but...what has she done lately? Now she seems to be the third wheel in the heel diva trifecta on RAW, overshadowed by a vastly superior worker (Victoria) and this month's Playboy cover girl (Candice). Just there for the T&A factor.

Trevor Murdoch - Was pretty entertaining with Cade. As a singles worker, though, I'm just not digging him. How many angry, ornery, Texans have there been over the decades? Seriously, they couldn't come up with a more original gimmick for him?

Triple H - Pretty much stayed the same since 2001. Superglued to the top of the card, politicking to keep the young guys (CM Punk, most recently) down, utilizing his "married to the family" status to get what he wants when he wants. Including another WrestleMania main event.

Trish Stratus - Probably the total package when it comes to divas. Beautiful, athletic, and totally over with the crowd. I just wish she had a stronger gimmick than just being the object of Mickie's obsession, though. Was awesome as a heel paired with Christian. Is an excellent face, too, just lacking a little something.

Tyson Tomko - Pretty much see also: Gene Snitsky. Just take away the thing about "It wasn't my fault" and add that he looks vaguely like a goat.

Val Venis - Really talented, but I seriously can't remember the last time he won a one-on-one match on RAW. He's won a few on Heat lately, and has one a bunch of tag matches with Viscera. But he's been buried so badly I don't think he'll ever be taken seriously again.

Victoria - Possibly the best heel diva of the last decade. Now she's, what, Candice's sort-of girlfriend? Pretty much the most exciting thing they've had Vickie do in the last year was a tiny kiss before a tag match. Other than that, she's usually just fodder for Trish or Mickie. A real pity, because she's so talented. I really miss her initial psycho diva incarnation (with the T.A.T.U. theme).

Viscera - If possible, he's slower now than he was as King Mabel. His "500-Pound Love Machine" gimmick was pretty funny, so naturally now he's jobbing in tag matches. He's the World's Biggest Jobber. Unlike Show, he'll never have credibility because, unlike show, he's never won anything other than the worst King Of The Ring tournament ever.

*Whew* That's the RAW roster. I'll do SmackDown when I actually get motivated to spend this kind of time at the computer again.

And, looking back, I sincerely hope this is what you had in mind for this thread. Otherwise, I just wasted a ton of time.