The Big Show eventually joined, to give the nWo another talentless big man. I guess since Nash couldn’t wrestle, they needed someone just as bad to fill in for him.
This angle also lead to the return of another lazy has-been, X-Pac. He wore short shorts and claimed he weighed 220, when he looked like he weighed in at about 160. He claimed to be a former main eventer, and one of the most talented wrestlers ever. Basically, he was full of shit in every way.
The nWo picked up some steam with Booker T joining the group. Booker was the only entertaining nWo member this year, and it wasn’t for his interaction with the nWo, it was through his work with Goldust, who attempted to gain Booker’s approval and join the nWo himself. Of course, WWE kicked out the only nWo member who wasn’t over the hill when the returning Shawn Michaels superkicked Booker T.
Booker and Goldust reached new levels of popularity when Booker turned face, while the nWo all faded into obscurity.
Scott Hall was fired soon there after. He currently wrestles for NWA:TNA. He still sucks.
Kevin Nash recovered from his injury, but injured himself about 4 seconds into his first match back... from walking. He’s currently being paid millions for sitting on his ass at home. He’s expected to return soon, much to the dismay of smart marks everywhere.
Hulk Hogan went on to win the WWE title (which I’ll cover later), and stink up rings with guys like HHH and the Undertaker. His nostalgia pops died, and he was put out of WWE by rising star Brock Lesnar. He currently stars in 10-10-220 commercials with another washed up 80s star, Alf.
The Big Show went onto win the WWE Championship, handing Brock Lesnar his first real loss, despite being complete crap in every way. He’s still feuding with Lesnar... sort of. Once they have a blowoff, I see this fat bastard fading into obscurity once again,
X-Pac was fired for being horrible. He reemerged in NWA-TNA under the moniker Syxx-Pac. Needless to say, he still sucked. He won the NWA X title, but then quit the NWA. He’s currently engaged to Chyna. The question on everyone’s mind is which one of them has a dick.
Shawn Michaels disappeared from TV for a while, and reemerged as a Born Again Christian and feuded with Triple H. He’s currently feuding with Chris Jericho, as I write this.
Back in 1996, these guys were calling Macho Man a has been. How ironic.
All in all, this angle was a complete waste of time, and a HUGE waste of money.
From the GREAT STATE OF TEXAS... BRADSHAW!
The roster split broke up many tag teams. One of those tag teams was the Acolyte Protection Agency. As you all know, Jim Ross has a major hard on for the king of the hosses, Bradshaw. This resulted in an upper midcard push as Steve Austin’s drinkin’ buddy. Bradshaw would team up with Austin to fight off the big bad nWo, and generally bore the hell out of anyone with half a brain. Most WWE fans loved him. That speaks volumes about most WWE fans. After Steve Austin walked out, Bradshaw got pushed even more. They decided to take Bradshaw in a new direction. Something revolutionary.
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
HE’S FROM TEXAS! That was/is Bradshaw’s gimmick. He’s from Texas, so we should love him. Wait, he’s not just from Texas, he’s from THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS. That’s what the ring announcers would say when he walked out. He dressed like Justin Hawk Bradshaw, a failed gimmick from late 90s WWF, donning the cowboy hat, rope and short tights. He came off like a homoerotic cowboy, looking for pudding, like in South Park. Rumors of hazing backstage didn’t help him either. It wouldn’t have been as bad if Bradshaw was a good worker, but he’s your typical run of the mill hoss, which means boring power wrestling.
He was pushed towards the upper midcard for a while, until WWE realized, hey, this guy sucks, and gave him the Hardcore title. Not just any Hardcore title though. THE TEXAS HARDCORE TITLE! WOOOOO-EEEEE! Yup, a new belt just for Bradshaw. It had bullhorns on it and everything. Eventually, like a true hoss, Bradshaw got injured, and we haven’t had to deal with his tired act for the past few months. Thank god.
He did give us ONE entertaining moment this year though. On an episode of Confidential, he was playing H-O-R-S-E (They sooooo should have played H-O-S-S) with Linda Miles. Linda made a left handed shot, and Bradshaw answered with this cunning reply, “It’s ok, I’m bisexual, I can shoot with both hands!”
Hulk Hogan’s title reign
You know, it was bound to happen. Everyone saw it coming a mile away. The only thing I can say is at least it came when Hogan was still getting nostalgia pops. The main problems with Hogan’s title reign are pretty obvious. First of all, he’s 49 years old, so he’s obviously slowed down in the ring. Secondly, he was always slow, boring, and well... let’s just say HORRIBLE in the ring. Thirdly, he faced guys that were what, about half his age? He still beat em’. Yeah, I know he’s been beating the younger guys for years, but still. Hogan even won the title from Satan himself, Triple H. From one roid monkey to another, I guess.
Thankfully, Hogan only held onto the title for one month. In that time though, we got horrible matches pitting himself against other over the hill stars like Ric Flair. If it was 1989, this match might have had a chance. Too bad it was 2002. Hogan lost the title at Judgement Day, in quite possibly the worst match of the year, to The Undertaker. Look, that match sucked back in 1991, what made WWE think it’d be any better in 2002? Hogan should have just jobbed the title to someone with SOME skill in the ring, who could have possibly pulled a decent match out of the guy. Then he could transition it to Taker, if they wanted to so badly. Or, to make matters simple, they could have just kept the strap off of Hogan to begin with. A novel idea, don’t you think?
Tough Enough II
As if one Tough Enough wasn’t bad enough. The show itself isn’t bad, it’s the result of the show. It just spits on the wrestling business as a whole, and it insults all the hard working indy wrestlers out there that have worked their asses off for years, and are still living out of their cars. Tough Enough I actually gave us some good talent though. Maven shows potential. Nowinski is someone to look out for in the future. He’s got some talent in the ring, and he’s definitely got charisma. Even Nidia has amounted to a successful manager for Jamie Noble. But what did we get this year on Tough Enough?
Absolute crap.
Going into the final episode though, it looked like Tough Enough II might have actually done some good. Most people were predicting Jake and Kenny to walk away with the Tough Enough crowns. Hell, Kenny even had a GOOD match with Chavo Guerrero Jr before the show ended! What did WWE do though?
They gave us Jackie Gayda, and Linda Miles.
Let’s examine these two individuals, shall we?
Linda Miles acted like a prima donna for the duration of the entire show. Nothing was her fault in the ring, according to one person, herself. She had an elitist attitude and felt that she was better than everyone else. She’s only wrestled a few matches, and hasn’t been impressive. The Tough Enough crew have tried to say she has a “marketable look.” My ass she has a marketable look. I’m sorry, but I think she’s rather ugly, and she has no body. So, in a nutshell, she has nothing to offer.
Jackie Gayda showed heart through the show, working through injury. Did they ever take into account the fact that she couldn’t work for weeks and weeks so she obviously missed a lot of training? It sure showed when she finally got in the ring. Gayda is nothing but eye candy, and not even great eye candy compared to most of the other Divas. What a waste of two WWE contracts. Some people train for their entire lives, hoping to get a shot at wrestling for WWE, and never make it, and these two talentless prima donnas train on MTV for 9 weeks while living in a mansion and get handed a WWE contract at the end based on looks alone.
This abomination lead to the worst match of the year.
Bradshaw and Trish Stratus vs. Chris Nowinski and Jackie Gayda
To be fair, this sucktitude of this match had nothing to do with Bradshaw, Trish Stratus or Chris Nowinski. The fault lies in one person, and one person alone. Jackie Gayda. First she messed up a spot on the ropes, BADLY, and wound up looking like an idiot. She made a total klutz of herself out there, and embarrassed the wrestling world as a whole. You could just tell from the look on Trish Stratus’ face how pissed off she was. The ending of the match was laughable as well. Trish went off the top rope for a top rope bulldog, but missed. Jackie sold it anyway, and Trish had to pin her. After the match, Trish looked like she was ready to kill Gayda for making her look like shit. And she was right.
Smackdown GM Disappoints
In July, Vince McMahon decided he needed to have people running both RAW and Smackdown. General Managers, he called them. The RAW general manager turned out to be Eric Bischoff, in one of the most stunning moves in wrestling history. Vince McMahon’s hated rival, the man who trashed him and tried to put him out of business, was now working for him. Incredible.
At this point, the net was buzzing about who the Smackdown GM could be. Paul Heyman maybe? Shane McMahon? To quote Shane himself, “The contract was signed, and the name on the dotted line did say McMahon. STEPHANIE McMahon.” Yup, as you know, Stephanie McMahon, DESPITE being BARRED FROM WWE TV FOREVER, was reinstated as the Smackdown General Manager. Man, this past year in WWE was loaded with plot holes, wasn’t it?
So instead of a SHOCKING new GM like Eric Bischoff, we got the hated bosses’ daughter. What a disappointment.
Billy and Chuck Get Married
I don’t know what’s up with WWE, but they’ve wanted to do a gay wedding for years. Back when Too Cool weren’t hip hop dancin’ fools, they were a pair of homoerotic wrestlers who seemed to be tag team partners in more than one way. McMahon had wanted to run a gay wedding for them, but it didn’t go over because Brian Christopher got injured... and because Too Much wasn’t over anyway. I thought we had escaped the dreaded gay wedding forever. How wrong I was.
On a September edition of Smackdown, the wedding went down. The minister was an old man who talked really slow, and seemed to have Parkinson’s disease. Billy and Chuck were dressed to the nine’s, as was their stylist, Rico. When they finally got to the part where they have to say “I do,” they balked at the idea and got angry at Rico, and admitted to this all being a big publicity stunt, and yes, it did get some negative publicity. But hey, WWE really subscribes to the idea that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, don’t they?
The wedding was sort of saved by the slickness of RAW GM, Eric Bischoff. It turns out that the old man was Bischoff in an elaborate disguise. He told Billy and Chuck, “It doesn’t matter if the bond lasts for 20 years, 6 months... or 3 minutes.
Wait a minute!
Did I just say...3 minutes?”
Bischoff tore off his mask and Jamal and Rosey ran in and beat the hell out of everyone. This lead to a face push for Billy and Chuck, because, hey, they’re not gay, so they’re cool!
Wait a minute. Did I just feel another HHHcrap angle coming on?
Yes, yes I did.
HHH is handed the World Title
No tournament. Not even a title match. When Brock Lesnar jumped exclusively to Smackdown with his title, Eric Bischoff brought back the World title, and simply gave it to Triple H. I refuse to view the World title on the same playing field as the WWE title, until we actually get a credible champion. Triple H was awarded the title, and let his buddy Shawn have nostalgia run with it for a few months. Give it to Jericho god damn it! Or how about Booker T? Shit, even Rob Van Dam. Build it up with some matches and some angles that don’t involve fucking dead people, and then maybe I’ll buy into this second World title, because honestly, the only time I’m going to give a fuck about the belt is when HHH has it on the line against someone that might actually beat him. No, not Steiner. Somebody with talent.
Big Show as WWE Champion
Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit. The Guerreros. Rey Mysterio Jr. Edge. Smackdown is about work rate. So why give their world title to a guy who has absolutely NO workrate? To further put over Lesnar by having him F-5 the guy? Why couldn’t Lesnar just wrestle Benoit or somebody at Survivor Series, have Show interfere, BAM... F-5! Heyman could still turn on Lesnar, in favor of Benoit, and give him the title. Then they could have had a Benoit vs. Angle blowoff at Armageddon or the Rumble, where Angle wins the title. Then you still have Angle vs. Lesnar set up for Wrestlemania, and hey, Benoit got to hold the title!
Why do something logical though? This is WWE we’re talking about, where the big man rules the roost. So they put the title around that fat, worthless piece of shit’s waist... or shoulder because it won’t fit around his waist. It doesn’t matter if he’s not talented or in shape. It doesn’t matter that he’s been sent to OVW twice to lose weight but still looks the same. He’s big, so HE MUST BE GOOD! GIVE HIM THE TITLE! YAY!
Speaking of big men that get pushes that they don’t deserve...
A-Train
No, not Ice Train.
I thought Albert was a lame moniker. This is another guy that Jim Ross has a real hard on for. Every week in his now defunct Ross Report, he’d put him over as a future main eventer. Albert even started dressing like Steve Austin to please JR, I guess. The problem is, is that he’s 6'6, fat, and really, really hairy. He’s shown little to no talent in the ring, and shit, I can’t even remember him getting any mic time. But HE’S BIG! HE’S A HOSS, LET’S PUSH HIM OVER MATT HARDY, EVEN IF MATT HARDY IS REALLY OVER AS A HEEL AND IS GOOD IN THE RING AND VERY CHARISMATIC! JR needed his hoss fix, and he got it. Albert’s angle was that he injured Mysterio, so he got a program with his partner, Edge, who was seeking revenge on this hairy bastard. Worse things lie ahead for us though, as they’re planning on feuding this sloth with The Undertaker when he comes back. Oh yeah, those are gonna be FIVE STAR CLASSICS!