CAPTAIN MONTEREY JACK is the best. I love Michael Ian Black.
HEY! My name is Captain Monterey Jack.......and I'm not tripping here, but that's exactly what you folks will be doing if you don't tie your shoes. Now maybe your friends think you're square if you tie your shoes. You know, square...I've got a square head, ya know. Three things that are square: cheese, plates and bears. This isn't a game here okay, this isn't the NBA and my name isn't Charles Buckley. HEY! Your shoes are time bombs, waiting to explode. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Shakin the room!
Let's take some Q&A!
Uhm, what if my shoelace breaks and I can't tie my shoe?
Hey! What if my nose falls off and I can't smell? What if my pants fall off and everybody's lookin at my weiner? You deal, or you die. By the way, your shoe's untied...Made you look. You have to know, you understand me? You have to always be aware!
I love you Captain Monterey Jack.
Alright, I'm not that crazy about you.
Okay...
I'm Doug. I think tying shoes is for sissies.
Hey Doug, if I wanna hear foul language I'll go home, I'll turn on Marky Mark and the Funny Bunch. I don't need to listen to your smart mouth. Do you understand?
Yeah.
And shoe tying is not for sissies, okay? But wearing glasses is, so that guy's a sissy. Well I've gotta go guys, but remember this: You can walk a mile in a man's shoes, but to get inside his head, you'd have to get really small and crawl up his nose. I'm Captain Monterey Jack thanks for your time.