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Kelso(on the phone): Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions - once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. ... I love you, too.
Ted: That was...beautiful, sir!
Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
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Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.
Cox: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan: I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cause I just might give you a jingle. Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue - couldn't be more confused!
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Dan: And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
J.D.: They did?
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
J.D.: Oh, that's great! I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
Dan: No, they wanted me.
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Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She...was my girlfriend.
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J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.
J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word....
J.D.: And to drink?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of I.V. fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again, What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
J.D.: Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is peppers. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
Cox: NEWBIE!
J.D.: Huh?
Cox: Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?
J.D.: Yes...
Cox: I've never felt closer to you.
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All those were from one epiosde I researched, because I couldn't find the quote I was looking for. J.D. asks Dr Cox if his brother, Dan, can come with them, and Dr Cox goes on a huge rant about how many ways he can say "No" to J.D., only to say yes after J.D. does his horrible, shy version of Dr Cox's favourite "Man falling off of a cliff".
God, I love that show. Here's another juicy line from the first episode of Season 2:
Dr Cox: You know, I was thinking off all the times you've toyed with me and manipulated me, and I can't help but be reminded of the children's fable, "The Tortoise and the Pain-in-the-Ass-Chief-of-Medicine-That-Everybody-Hates". You see, Bob, the Pain-in-the-Ass-Chief-of-Medicine-That-Everybody-Hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, and then...well, I'm sure you remember it, Bob: The tortoise bit clear through the Chief of Medicine's calf-muscle, dragged him to the ground where he and all the other turtles devoured him right there...on the race track. It's a terrifying children's tale, Bob, but it's one that's stuck with me throughout the ages...
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