[Corkscrewed]

No need for a long intro. Members who've been around long enough know that this is one of my rare spoofs. New members will get it as they read. If I have time, I might actually expand this into a series.

The goal is to make this more entertaining than actual current WWE programming. That won't be too hard, and I can actually make that statement and not be boasting because the shows are that lackadaisical right now.




WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1

Fade into WWE Champion John Cena sitting at a desk in his lavishly decorated and totally hi-tech personal locker room. He holds his prized spinning belt and grins with satisfaction.

CENA: Ahhhhh yes... another pay-per-view, another triumphant victory by the master manipulator, John Cena! That Umaga sure got buried by me. And as well he should, because no one messes with the Marine. No one messes with the One Man Army. And no one messes with the PROTOTYPE!!!

Cena pauses momentarily.

CENA: Scratch that last one.

He lounges back.

CENA: Ah, if only my adoring public knew the truth. If only they knew that I pulled the strings around here. Everyone thinks I'm a nice guy and a team player... if only they knew the backstage politician I really am. Even the smarks would shit a brick. Ha! They may hate me, but even they blame the writers.

Cena sinks even lower in his chair.

CENA: But they'll never find out. Not even the internet wrestling community will know my true nature as backstage cancer!!! Isn't that right, Dave Metzer?

Dave emerges from under the desk, lips dripping with milky liquid.

METZER: Um hmm.. you da man!

CENA: Did I say you could talk?

METZER: You just asked me a question!

CENA: Get back under the desk and finish your business.

METZER: Yes, sir.

Dave retreats back into the confines of the desk as Cena looks up dreamily and smiles.

CENA: Oh yeah... oh yeah... chain bang motha fucka!!!!

Abruptly, there is a knock on the door.

VOICE: Master Cena, Master Levesque wishes to speak with you, sir!

CENA: Let him in!!

BEHOLD THE KING!!!


THE KING OF KINGS!!!


Flashy pyro and swirling smoke fill the room as Triple H makes his triumphant entry into the lockerroom, hobbling in majestically on a pair of crutches.

CENA: (coughing) Do you really have to have your entrance music and pyros played everywhere you go??

HHH: (chuckling) Hey, you're the one who asked for this swanky lockerroom, complete with full home theater and all special effects. Was a matter of time before someone else used it.

CENA: (putting up a fake smile) Ha. You got me! What can I do you for?

HHH: I just wanted to stop by and let you know we'll be meeting at 4:00 to discuss the superstars we're burying. It'll be at my office. Just you and me.

CENA: .... but it's just you and me right now. Why can't we do it here and now?

TRIPLE H: Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. My boy! Someday, you'll realize how the corporate world works. If you keep at it, I'll even let you be my right-hand man when Vince gives the reigns of the company to me!

CENA:

HHH: Besides, I wouldn't want to interrupt your little shlong massage from Metzer.

CENA:

HHH: Cya at four, tiger.

Triple H hobbles out of the lockerroom leaving Cena fuming.

CENA: Fucking Paul Levesque. He thinks he's so special, fucking the boss' daughter. He'd shit a brick if he knew that Aurora was....









MY BABY!!!!

***DUM DUM DUUUMMMM!!!!!!***

CENA: He's gonna be hella surprised when Stephanie makes ME chairman the day Vince croaks. Muahahahahaha!!!

METZER: (reappearing from under the desk) 'Hella?' Are you from NorCal??

CENA: Ess Tee Eff You!!

Cut to Triple H hobbling down the hallway. He's joined by his good friend, Ric Flair.

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Howya doin' champ!!! I hear you're ahead of schedule in rehab! You're amazing baby!!! Best ever!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

HHH: I know.

FLAIR: So whatcha been up to????

HHH: Just told Cena about the 4:00 jobber burial meeting. God I hate that punk.

FLAIR: C.M.????

HHH: No! Cena!! He thinks that just because he's the apple of Vince's eye, he's all that. He doesn't know how hard I had to work in my early years of politicking. I FUCKING JOBBED TO ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INTERNET FANS MAKE FUN OF ME FOR THAT????

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUCK THE INTERNET FANS!! THEY THINK THEY KNOW ALL THAT AND THEY'RE INSIDERS, BUT THEY'RE NOTHING MORE THAN PIECES OF SHIT!!! THEY DON'T KNOW THE BUSINESS, AND THEY NEVER WILL!!! THEY'RE JUST 12 YEAR OLD GEEKY FUCKTWATS WHO FUCKING MASTURBATE OVER PICTURES OF JANET RENO AND THINK THAT THEIR BEST FRIEND'S MOMS ARE THE HOTTEST BITCHES EVER!!! FUCK THEM!!! I FUCK THEIR BEST FRIENDS' MOMS!!! SPACE MOUNTAIN BABY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HHH: (continuing as though Flair hadn't said anything) Cena comes in and gets handed a platter. He never paid his politicking dues!!!

HARDCORE HOLLY: (stepping in out of nowhere) DAMN!!

Triple H and Flair both look at Holly blankly.

HARDCORE HOLLY: Sorry. Ron Simmons is gone today. I mean--YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT CENA DIDN'T PAY HIS DUES!!!! FUCK HIM!!

Hunter and Flair continue walking.

HHH: This was gonna be my year. MY YEAR! But I had to get a fucking quad injury. On my OTHER quad. Dammit, what in the world did I deserve to get such bad luck??

***FLASHBACK***

In the swampy jungles somewhere in the Caribbean, a man meets with a local soothsayer. TIA DALMA: To get what joo want, joo must sail to der end of der world, and retreive der magic dat lies dere... BRET HART: And if I do that, bad things will happen to every member of The Kliq several years from now? TIA DALMA: Yessssss... but ferst, joo must hav a guide... one who hess been to all dee places.... A familiar step comes down some wooden stairs. Bret looks up at the figure, who turns out to be... Stu Hart. BRET: Dad? But you're dead!! STU: Dammit, son! It's 1998 and this is a flashback!! I'm not dead yet!!! BRET: Sorry.

Back to Triple H and Flair.

HHH: Anyway... I don't know. But if it wasn't for this stupid quad, I would have been champ at Wrestlemania. Fucking quads...

FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HHH: But don't worry. Cena's going to have a surprise at four. Oh yes... he's going to have a tremendous surprise... heheheheheh...

Cut back to Cena's lockerroom, where Cena is smoking one of Estrada's cigars as he watches Metzer take a shower.

CENA: So... Triple H wants to do things his way and have the meeting at his lockerroom at four, eh? Well, he's going to have a tremendous surprise... heheheheheh....

TO BE CONTINUED... (hopefully)