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**Nikkolas** · 07-05-2007, 12:00 AM

Jake "the Snake" Roberts
Age: 52
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 1 to 1
Why he should be dead: Twenty-plus years of power slams and suplexes weren't enough punishment for Jake the Snake, so he went and got himself turnbuckled by crack and alcohol. Now he's off the substances and into the Bible, so even if he dies soon, it's cool.
How he'll die: We picture Jake going down for the big sleep at home alone, where his snake will consume his lifeless husk in one jaw-stretching gulp. Sad, but appropriate.

http://www.maximonline.com/articles/...aspx?a_id=7618
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Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
Age: 64
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 20 to 1
Why he should be dead: Superfly spent the majority of his life doing belly flops onto burly dudes from 15 feet out. That can't be good for vital organs.
How he'll die: Amazingly, Jimmy still makes his way to the ring from time to time, and he doesn't look half bad. We picture him retiring to his birth country of Fiji, where he'll die old, enjoying a drink with a tiny umbrella. Then he'll drift off toward the big white light, where he'll meet up with the Big Boss Man and Koko B. Ware's parrot.

Road Warrior Animal
Age: 47
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: Since his partner Hawk died back in 2003, Animal has been a shell of the Mohawked man he once was. He's since tried to fill the void left in the Legion of Doom, but no one has been able to pack the spiky shoulder pads like his old pal.
How he'll die: Did we mention before that he wears shoulder pads with huge metal spikes on them? If one of those were to end up jammed in his brain, we would be sad, but in no way surprised.

Terry Funk
Age: 62
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 2 to 1
Why he should be dead: Terry's career started in 1965, before just about everyone on staff here was even born. Since then, he's been choked, slammed, and choke-slammed more times than the remaining WWE combined.
How he'll die: By now it has become obvious to us that pain and abuse are the only things keeping Funk alive. His end will come on vacation, when no one hits him with a furnishing the entire week and he dies of boredom.

Mick Foley
Age: 42
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 3 to 1
Why he should be dead: Our fondest memories of Mick involve him being beaten within an inch of his life with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, which, as most doctors will tell you, is not the ticket to a long and healthy life. The only reason we set his odds of survival better than Terry Funk's is because he's a full 20 years younger. That just gives him more time to think of things with which he can batter himself about the head.
How he'll die: Something tells us that Mick's death will be preceded immediately by him saying, "I'm sure it'll be fine if you hit me with your car."

Ted DiBiase
Age: 53
Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: We're not going to come right out and say that the Million Dollar Man ever did cocaine, but can you name one other activity common to millionaires in the 1980s? We didn't think so.
How he'll die: Caviar poisoning. 'Cause, you know, that's what rich guys eat.

07-05-2007, 12:00 AM	#4
Nikkolas Member Posts: 103	Jake "the Snake" Roberts Age: 52 Odds that he'll die before 2008: 1 to 1 Why he should be dead: Twenty-plus years of power slams and suplexes weren't enough punishment for Jake the Snake, so he went and got himself turnbuckled by crack and alcohol. Now he's off the substances and into the Bible, so even if he dies soon, it's cool. How he'll die: We picture Jake going down for the big sleep at home alone, where his snake will consume his lifeless husk in one jaw-stretching gulp. Sad, but appropriate. http://www.maximonline.com/articles/...aspx?a_id=7618 page 2 Quote Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka Age: 64 Odds that he'll die before 2008: 20 to 1 Why he should be dead: Superfly spent the majority of his life doing belly flops onto burly dudes from 15 feet out. That can't be good for vital organs. How he'll die: Amazingly, Jimmy still makes his way to the ring from time to time, and he doesn't look half bad. We picture him retiring to his birth country of Fiji, where he'll die old, enjoying a drink with a tiny umbrella. Then he'll drift off toward the big white light, where he'll meet up with the Big Boss Man and Koko B. Ware's parrot. Road Warrior Animal Age: 47 Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1 Why he should be dead: Since his partner Hawk died back in 2003, Animal has been a shell of the Mohawked man he once was. He's since tried to fill the void left in the Legion of Doom, but no one has been able to pack the spiky shoulder pads like his old pal. How he'll die: Did we mention before that he wears shoulder pads with huge metal spikes on them? If one of those were to end up jammed in his brain, we would be sad, but in no way surprised. Terry Funk Age: 62 Odds that he'll die before 2008: 2 to 1 Why he should be dead: Terry's career started in 1965, before just about everyone on staff here was even born. Since then, he's been choked, slammed, and choke-slammed more times than the remaining WWE combined. How he'll die: By now it has become obvious to us that pain and abuse are the only things keeping Funk alive. His end will come on vacation, when no one hits him with a furnishing the entire week and he dies of boredom. Mick Foley Age: 42 Odds that he'll die before 2008: 3 to 1 Why he should be dead: Our fondest memories of Mick involve him being beaten within an inch of his life with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, which, as most doctors will tell you, is not the ticket to a long and healthy life. The only reason we set his odds of survival better than Terry Funk's is because he's a full 20 years younger. That just gives him more time to think of things with which he can batter himself about the head. How he'll die: Something tells us that Mick's death will be preceded immediately by him saying, "I'm sure it'll be fine if you hit me with your car." Ted DiBiase Age: 53 Odds that he'll die before 2008: 10 to 1 Why he should be dead: We're not going to come right out and say that the Million Dollar Man ever did cocaine, but can you name one other activity common to millionaires in the 1980s? We didn't think so. How he'll die: Caviar poisoning. 'Cause, you know, that's what rich guys eat.