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**Goulet** · 09-28-2007, 03:33 PM

This just in, After getting a title shot for seemingly every Mile he's walked through that alleged Pit of Danger, Batista is unfortunately left with out an opponent at Wrestlemania. UNTIL NOW. You see, there is a GRUDGE match on the horizon, regardless of Batista's claims to the contrary. You see, Basketball is set to take its revenge against the Animal at Wrestlemania for Big Dave's SLANDEROUS remarks about its character. And rumor has it, that once Big Dave heard of his "opponent", he uttered "What the hell is a guy supposed to do with a big inflated inanimate object that has to always be carried?". King Booker then was said to speak up and up and utter "Now you know how we feel when we wrestle you". Touché.

The Battle of the Giants at Wrestlemania has just been booked! And surprisingly, despite not having the weight advantage (he only weighs 25 pounds now reputedly) Andre still holds the overall size advantage, clocking in at an amazing 75 feet! Of course, this was after road agents lined all his bones up in a row.

That said, there was some talk backstage that this match would be impossible to pull off, because as we know, Andre is dead. But Vince was re-assured that first off, since he's already expired, Andre could not be killed in the ring (like he was at Wrestlemania 3 after being bodyslammed by Hulk Hogan, and like some are accustomed to whilst wrestling Khali), and despite having no pulse, or in fact any shape whatsoever, the remains of Andre would still likely possess more speed and mobility than Khali, so he'd likely be able to hold his own. So stay tuned! Andre makes his Wrestlemania return next March... under his own original Deadman gimmick. (Undertaker stole the whole act.).

Not much to say here. With no discernable opponent slated for the big one, WWE has opted to instead book the Game against every single tag team on both brands, and a fully armored tank. From there, all the Tag teams, in a time saving move, will all pedigree themselves, whilst HHH commandeers the tank, runs them all over with it, then destroys it with a sledgehammer tipped with a warhead, before returning to the ring to give the now one, flattened, gelatinous blob containing all 8 men a DEVASTATING ARN ANDERSON SPINEBUSTER...only to then pry them all apart, and individually pin them, all while *obviously* putting them over. You see, HHH thinks about the FUTURE. Well, a future where he pins new people. Just because.

To help pad the card, Lashley, who like Cena before him, required an opponent to overcome the odds against; so what better odds to overcome than ones decided by the good people of the Las Vegas gaming commission? Ya, I know. It'll be terrible. But don't be surprised when the Slot Machine still cuts a more emotional promo than Lashley.

After the tremendous success of last year's BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES, for Wrestlemania 24, WWE powers-that-be have opted to instead promote a contest of the complete opposite monetary standard! It's true. Instead of the highly anticipated Money the Bank, WWE will instead feature a battle between two men that have no trace of it in theirs. But unlike last year, there will no hair on the line, as the mullet symbiote that resides upon Ricky's head is impenetrable to all known forms of cutting utensils.

The Prize for this ultimate encounter? Why, a bowl of soup, a clean change of clothes and a warm bed! (Lex has reputedly spent the last year rolled up inside a sleeping bag inside the carryall of the Lex Express, so he's said to be really be looking forward to it). So stay tuned for the Battle of The Hundredaires! Only at Wrestlemania! Where Dreams come true! So long as those "dreams" don't include full time gainful employment.

This match of course came about after opening the hole in the fabric of time as noted earlier. And since WWE was left with an entity that destroyed stars, swallowed up everything in its path, and was really nothing more than a dark void, whom better to match the black hole up against than MARK HENRY, who ironically enough possesses all these same attributes himself? Exactly.

What better way to put Wrestlemania back on the map, then to resume the greatest unresolved feud of 2006, Vince McMahon vs. God? Well, anything. But that said, Vince is still going through with it anyway, and all because, as revenge for being jobbed out in his debut, God has secretly taken his retribution this past calendar year by seemingly smiting the company at every turn, whether it be through random death, plague, or necessitating a Title reign for the Great Khali. You know, the most horrible payback imaginable. And God has accomplished all this in a grand, dare I say, Final Destination fashion. Only, unlike the movie, in WWE, even the fucking Grim Reaper got put on the shelf. Ahem.

That said, the ultimate battle will take place at the Grand Daddy of them all. The rumors circulating are that it will all take place in a Heaven & Hell in the Cell. Or the Devil's Duplex as Jim Ross calls it. Although, apparently, Satan recently got a job promotion, and has since relocated to a lovely ocean-front beach house. Take this for what it's worth.

With all that mind though, just whom will triumph at Wrestlemania? And will sons and son- in-laws and respective Kings of Kings, Triple H and Jesus Christ get involved? And will God do the job yet again? You know, despite forbidding anyone working on Sundays. We'll soon find out! Unfortunately.

Of course, our Wrestlemania odyssey would not be complete without the vaunted HALL OF FAME INDUCTION ceremony! And while names not ending in "Savage" or "Warrior" are still being discussed, 2008's addition to the highly touted Celebrity Wing has already been decided. Yes. You got to know were talking about Clara "Where's the Beef" Peller, whose countless contributions to the industry (countless because you can't go below zero) are legendary. I mean, who could forget, besides everybody, her riveting 3 second performance at Wrestlemania 2, where she inaudibly uttered 2/3rd's of her famous Wendy's catchphrase? Sure, some people wrestled 4 times in one night to capture a WWF Title and succeeded Hulk Hogan for a year, but that all pales in comparison to the tenure of Clara. And why not? We already have a Refrigerator in the Hall of Fame, so why not some Beef, too? I mean, this addition is simple, really. You see, Wendy's isn't the only company to promote her catchphrase of "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!". See, at WWE ,that has been their personal hiring philosophy for the past 25 years. And there's enough 230 pound and under dudes with broken dreams out there who can attest to this fact. Yup.

Now, unfortunately, since Clara has been dead for 20 years, she'll likely be unable to attend the ceremony. But fear not, since MAE YOUNG is old, and a woman, and since like every old person looks alike anyway, Mae will be portraying Clara at the Ceremony, where she currently plans to give birth on stage to the Hamburger Helper Hand in a tribute to Clara's favorite cut of meat! How touching.

Well, that's that. And clearly, It's safe to say that like the twenty-three before it, this Wrestlemania will too be indelibly etched into the Annals of Time. Mostly because WWE just came to terms on the purchase of time this past weekend. Stay tuned to WWE 24/7 for more. And don't be surprised when you suddenly find out that most of History's celebrated figures actually had the surname McMahon...

09-28-2007, 03:33 PM	#2
Goulet What!? GOULET! Posts: 1,405	This just in, After getting a title shot for seemingly every Mile he's walked through that alleged Pit of Danger, Batista is unfortunately left with out an opponent at Wrestlemania. UNTIL NOW. You see, there is a GRUDGE match on the horizon, regardless of Batista's claims to the contrary. You see, Basketball is set to take its revenge against the Animal at Wrestlemania for Big Dave's SLANDEROUS remarks about its character. And rumor has it, that once Big Dave heard of his "opponent", he uttered "What the hell is a guy supposed to do with a big inflated inanimate object that has to always be carried?". King Booker then was said to speak up and up and utter "Now you know how we feel when we wrestle you". Touché. The Battle of the Giants at Wrestlemania has just been booked! And surprisingly, despite not having the weight advantage (he only weighs 25 pounds now reputedly) Andre still holds the overall size advantage, clocking in at an amazing 75 feet! Of course, this was after road agents lined all his bones up in a row. That said, there was some talk backstage that this match would be impossible to pull off, because as we know, Andre is dead. But Vince was re-assured that first off, since he's already expired, Andre could not be killed in the ring (like he was at Wrestlemania 3 after being bodyslammed by Hulk Hogan, and like some are accustomed to whilst wrestling Khali), and despite having no pulse, or in fact any shape whatsoever, the remains of Andre would still likely possess more speed and mobility than Khali, so he'd likely be able to hold his own. So stay tuned! Andre makes his Wrestlemania return next March... under his own original Deadman gimmick. (Undertaker stole the whole act.). Not much to say here. With no discernable opponent slated for the big one, WWE has opted to instead book the Game against every single tag team on both brands, and a fully armored tank. From there, all the Tag teams, in a time saving move, will all pedigree themselves, whilst HHH commandeers the tank, runs them all over with it, then destroys it with a sledgehammer tipped with a warhead, before returning to the ring to give the now one, flattened, gelatinous blob containing all 8 men a DEVASTATING ARN ANDERSON SPINEBUSTER...only to then pry them all apart, and individually pin them, all while obviously putting them over. You see, HHH thinks about the FUTURE. Well, a future where he pins new people. Just because. To help pad the card, Lashley, who like Cena before him, required an opponent to overcome the odds against; so what better odds to overcome than ones decided by the good people of the Las Vegas gaming commission? Ya, I know. It'll be terrible. But don't be surprised when the Slot Machine still cuts a more emotional promo than Lashley. After the tremendous success of last year's BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES, for Wrestlemania 24, WWE powers-that-be have opted to instead promote a contest of the complete opposite monetary standard! It's true. Instead of the highly anticipated Money the Bank, WWE will instead feature a battle between two men that have no trace of it in theirs. But unlike last year, there will no hair on the line, as the mullet symbiote that resides upon Ricky's head is impenetrable to all known forms of cutting utensils. The Prize for this ultimate encounter? Why, a bowl of soup, a clean change of clothes and a warm bed! (Lex has reputedly spent the last year rolled up inside a sleeping bag inside the carryall of the Lex Express, so he's said to be really be looking forward to it). So stay tuned for the Battle of The Hundredaires! Only at Wrestlemania! Where Dreams come true! So long as those "dreams" don't include full time gainful employment. This match of course came about after opening the hole in the fabric of time as noted earlier. And since WWE was left with an entity that destroyed stars, swallowed up everything in its path, and was really nothing more than a dark void, whom better to match the black hole up against than MARK HENRY, who ironically enough possesses all these same attributes himself? Exactly. What better way to put Wrestlemania back on the map, then to resume the greatest unresolved feud of 2006, Vince McMahon vs. God? Well, anything. But that said, Vince is still going through with it anyway, and all because, as revenge for being jobbed out in his debut, God has secretly taken his retribution this past calendar year by seemingly smiting the company at every turn, whether it be through random death, plague, or necessitating a Title reign for the Great Khali. You know, the most horrible payback imaginable. And God has accomplished all this in a grand, dare I say, Final Destination fashion. Only, unlike the movie, in WWE, even the fucking Grim Reaper got put on the shelf. Ahem. That said, the ultimate battle will take place at the Grand Daddy of them all. The rumors circulating are that it will all take place in a Heaven & Hell in the Cell. Or the Devil's Duplex as Jim Ross calls it. Although, apparently, Satan recently got a job promotion, and has since relocated to a lovely ocean-front beach house. Take this for what it's worth. With all that mind though, just whom will triumph at Wrestlemania? And will sons and son- in-laws and respective Kings of Kings, Triple H and Jesus Christ get involved? And will God do the job yet again? You know, despite forbidding anyone working on Sundays. We'll soon find out! Unfortunately. Of course, our Wrestlemania odyssey would not be complete without the vaunted HALL OF FAME INDUCTION ceremony! And while names not ending in "Savage" or "Warrior" are still being discussed, 2008's addition to the highly touted Celebrity Wing has already been decided. Yes. You got to know were talking about Clara "Where's the Beef" Peller, whose countless contributions to the industry (countless because you can't go below zero) are legendary. I mean, who could forget, besides everybody, her riveting 3 second performance at Wrestlemania 2, where she inaudibly uttered 2/3rd's of her famous Wendy's catchphrase? Sure, some people wrestled 4 times in one night to capture a WWF Title and succeeded Hulk Hogan for a year, but that all pales in comparison to the tenure of Clara. And why not? We already have a Refrigerator in the Hall of Fame, so why not some Beef, too? I mean, this addition is simple, really. You see, Wendy's isn't the only company to promote her catchphrase of "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!". See, at WWE ,that has been their personal hiring philosophy for the past 25 years. And there's enough 230 pound and under dudes with broken dreams out there who can attest to this fact. Yup. Now, unfortunately, since Clara has been dead for 20 years, she'll likely be unable to attend the ceremony. But fear not, since MAE YOUNG is old, and a woman, and since like every old person looks alike anyway, Mae will be portraying Clara at the Ceremony, where she currently plans to give birth on stage to the Hamburger Helper Hand in a tribute to Clara's favorite cut of meat! How touching. Well, that's that. And clearly, It's safe to say that like the twenty-three before it, this Wrestlemania will too be indelibly etched into the Annals of Time. Mostly because WWE just came to terms on the purchase of time this past weekend. Stay tuned to WWE 24/7 for more. And don't be surprised when you suddenly find out that most of History's celebrated figures actually had the surname McMahon...