Vince: Damn, that Matt Hardy is still over. Why do the fans like him so much? I wish there was some way to get rid of him. Did Pat Patterson manage to convince Matt Hardy he was a woman, get him to sleep with him and then cheat on him with Sylvan? Because that would give me grounds to fire him.
Gerald Briscoe: No, sir, I'm sorry, Matt didn't fall for Patterson's disguise. And we fired Sylvan.
Vince: I don't know why it didn't work. Patterson is no saggier than Lita in some areas.
Damn it, if I can't fire him, I need him to get some kind of injury, or some form of illness. A lethal dose of poiiiiiiiisonn...
Jeff: 
*Back in Cameron, North Carolina, Matt Hardy sits at the dinner table, as Jeff Hardy (in chef apron and hat) removes an oozing puffer fish from the microwave*
Jeff: No, honestly, Matt, I've been taking chiri preparation courses. Try some.
Matt: I'm not sure, Jeff. Inproper consumption of the Tetraodontidae can cause poisoning.
Jeff: Come on, dude, try some. Shannon Moore did.
Matt: So it'll make my penis drop off?
*Matt and Jeff laugh*
Jeff: Won't that be good considering your luck with the ladies?
Matt: 
...By the way, where is Shannon?
*Cut to crow landing on a grave marked '
Shannon Moore' in The Hardys' backyard.*
Jeff: I promise it's fine, dude.
Matt: Alright, I'll try some. For you, brother...
*Matt eats Jeff's food*
Matt: Ow...my appendix.
Jeff: 
*Back in Stanford*
Vince: Congratulations, Jeff, we've decided to push you.
*Jeff, still in cooking gear, throws chef's hat into the air.*
*Three weeks later*
Steph: Jeff, we've decided that you need to cut your hair. You seen, my husband has long hair, and we don't want people to get confused.
Jeff: But I've had this hair for years, it's rainbow-coloured, and I've just had a feud with Triple H, which pretty clearly distinguishes me from him.
Steph: Don't throw away the job of a lifetime, you Indian cunt!
Jeff: 
*Jeff consumes puffer fish in an attempt to get out of performing...he begins to trip out*
Jeff: Dude, why didn't I think of this before...