Typical WWE Writers' Thinking Volume 8,549,176,320: "If It Works Once, It Always Works"
Since Steve Austin got over by being a rebel who went against the grain, so John Cena will. Steve Austin got over by beating up people for no apparent reason, so John Cena will (so says Mr. Hayes). Steve Austin got over by having beers tossed to him after his matches. Here is where the change comes: Austin was a drunken redneck, Cena was a rapper. How do you solve it? Have them throw him microphones!
(Okay, that was way too complicated. Sorry.)
John didn't mean to stare. He really didn't. But you don't see that many people who have been genetically engineered to have hands where their faces should be.
Big Show sitting on him was bad enough, but Orlando got pissed when he started singing the "Watch Me While I Hold Down Talent" song.
HEYMAN: No, I swear. I saw this on a Christmas special.
TRAIN: I don't care what you saw. I'm NOT jumping off the arena!
HEYMAN: But "Bumbles" bounce!
BROCK: Pbbbt.
Eddie smirked. He'd been watching Univision. He now knew a THIRD Spanish phrase...
Mi perro es rojo y gordo. Bilingual fans wondered why Eddie was so happy that his dog was red and fat.
-BACKSTAGE-
HEYMAN: I can't believe they bought it!
DAWN: This is great!
HEYMAN: I can't believe Scotty believed you when you told him that he was the new Green Lantern!
DAWN: Well what about yours? Rikishi "Atlas" Phatu? BRILLIANT!
CHARLIE: Okay, 6:1 Rikishi eats Eddie.
SHELTON: You're on.
Fat and lazy, Rikishi no longer raised the roof himself. Instead, he pointed in the direction he wanted the contracters to move it.
The 'fro worked for Lamont. Not so much for 'Kish.
SHELTON: Shaniqua shall have her Adam's apple!
HEYMAN: That's right, Holly. Tonight, you face the Big Show, Matt Morgan, and the A-Train with your tag team partner...Thumbelina! Go get 'em, Lina!
DAWN: I can see myself in your scalp...
SABLE: Yarrrrrrr! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Ye'll walk the plank or I'll keelhaul ya! Yarrrrr!
CAT: Yeah, I liked "Pirates of the Caribbean" too...
SABLE: Yarrrrr!
VINCE: Bang!
Vince was grateful that Sable was there to hold the flesh to his cheek. Looks like he needed to schedule ANOTHER appointment with his plastic surgeon...
HEBNERNEEZER SCROOGE: Christmas, you say? Bah! Humbug! You'll be wrestling next week. AND I'll be taking your mask...
Rey tried to warn Hebnerneezer, but it was too late. The Ghost of Christmas Future was there to show him his fate.
JAMIE: Oh, mah God! Somebody shrunk Sean O'Haire!
O'HAIRE: You're not telling me anything I didn't already know.
CHUCK: That's right, ref. Now you shake it all about!
SHANIQUA (offstage): Seriously, Chris, it's okay! I already got one!
RHYNO: Hey, 'Nique! Need a spine?
HEYMAN: And then Vince takes off his energy mask...and he's Cameron Diaz!
DAWN: You have GOT to stop eating Taco Bell after midnight.
BROCK: I am NOT getting in that.
HEYMAN: Ha ha! That's right, Brock. After her surgery, Nidia's melons WERE sore!
SHANNON: I can't believe they're making me wrestle in a corset!
Hebner knew to duck when the Frost Titan of the North did his weekly run-in.
(OLD SCHOOL!)
BROCK: Paul? The chicken inside this egg is writing me messages!
Hardcore tried to find his fan.
Matt howled in terror as Shannon began devouring his foot.
Nope, he's not there either.