MAY
RAW [5-3-2004]
tucsonspeed6:
Jericho: Guys! Seriously, get down here and help me find my contact lens!
Lita: *sobbing* He's gone forever! We'll miss you Benoit
Matt: No, wait! I think I can still hear him!
Benoit: *Voice sounds distant and echoey* Hello? Can you hear me?
Matt: We can hear you, Benoit! Where are you?
Benoit: ...I think I'm somewhere beyond the glass ceiling...
Matt: Really? What's it like?
Benoit: ...Have you ever seen that movie: Tron?
Matt: No
Lita: No
Sound Guy: No
Cameraman: No
Lita: Yes....wait, I mean no.
Corkscrewed:
Orton: "Oh crap, Dave, you all right? I TOLD you Steph was a squirter!"
Chioda: "Okay, okay, Shawn, check this out. What did... the five fingers say... to the face?"
Michaels: "...not... the... time...!!!"
Chioda: *SMACK* "RICK JAMES, BITCH!!!!"
loopydate:
MATT: So...do you like my new oxstar pants?
LITA: I don't know about this, Vince.
VINCE: Nonsense, Lita. The Bride got herself out of a coffin. And you're a WAY better fighter than her!
LITA: Ow!
VINCE: What?
LITA: I just botched being inside a box...
REF: Hey! There's a hole in your head!
Poke
CHRIS: OW!
Poke
CHRIS: DAMMIT!
Poke
CHRIS (thinking): I almost miss Earl just arbitrarily ringing the bell.
Lamuella:
"Chris, I'm happy to see you too, but could you please get Mini-Jericho to stop hugging my leg?"
Kane decided to find out why HHH had liked humping that mannequin so much.
big_bluto:
HBK: Hey, baby.
Benoit: Stop it! I'm don't like you that way, Shawn.
HBK: But you're my special friend. Of course you do!
Benoit: HAVE YOU GOT A BONER?!!?!
Nowhere Man:
Unbeknownst to Orton, Edge sets up for his most devastating finisher yet: the Human Enema.
Hardy had seen a lot in his career, but even the Sensei of Mattitude was awed by the sheer majesty of Jericho Crossing the Delaware.
Christian and Tomko were getting ready for an intense showdown, when Jericho's infamous narcolepsy kicked up again.
The most bizarre tag team match comes to its conclusion when Benoit makes Shawn tap to the Crossface, and Mike Chioda simultaneously knocks out Steven Richards with a vicious karate chop.
Rock Bottom:
Tajiri shows Orton exactly why he is called the "Japanese Lovesaw."
Randy: Dave, what is it? What's wrong, Dave? Why is there Evolution Kool-Aid all over your mouth?
Dave: NO! Don't look at me! Just leave me alone! Stay back!
Randy: Oh my goodness... Your face... It's turning into Triple H's...
Dave: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE... I can't stop it... I'm sorry Randy, I'm ab-... ab-... b-.... BUUUUUUUUUUAH.
Randy:
Meet Kane. A seven-foot monster of a wrestler, but he was lacking confidence in "other" areas. Choosing to do something about it, Kane began using our product. Now he's got a seven-foot monster of his own, finally getting a little respect from the locker room community.
In our next episode of Double Dragon, Billy Lee takes a huge heel turn when he joins Aboabo in attacking his brother, Jimmy Lee!
El Santo:
Rob Conway demonstrates to the viewers at home the incredible power of mitosis.
Rinka-dinka-doo! Ha-cha-cha!
Chris breaks down as Christian and Tomko tell him how much they HATED his YJ Stinger commercials.
gonMad00:
HHH: GOT MY NOSE!
SmackDOWN! [5-6-2004]
El Santo:
For one night, we should all salute Mrs. Guerrero, a brave woman who must live with the pain of a rosebush growing out her left shoulder.
Bradshaw, ever the Republican, schocks Mrs. Guerrero with his radical proposal to eliminate medicare.
M-A-G:
Cena was out to promote the effectiveness of his 'Hookt on Phonix' program.
'Taker, Texas Ranger was on the case again, this time hunting for a criminal in a late night rave party.
And really, who wouldn't be jealous of a penis shaped like John Cena?
Corkscrewed:
Chavo figured no one would EVER find his Cruiserweight push if he shoved it up his ass, but he didn't factor in Jacqueline's resourcefulness.
Chavo didn't like how Jacqueline had been taking blow job lessons from Lita.
That was the bad thing about this new Undertaker. He didn't sell your hugs either.
When all was said and done, Eddie stood tall in the Chair Bong Smoking Contest.
Vastardikai:
The latest Iraqi Prison Abuse picture was the most disturbing of all...
big_bluto:
Dawn-Marie: You f*ckin bitch! It was you that posted those photo's of me on TPWW!
Torrie: No, no, no, it wasn't me!
Dawn-Marie: It WAS you! And you didn't even have the decency to post up decent quality jpegs!
Torrie: It wasn't me, I swear!
Dawn-Marie: As if that wasn't enough, you cheap slutty bint, you didn't even have the common courtesy to airbrush my tits up!
Torrie: Take it from me - it's not worth it!
Credit also goes to his
Life of Brian spoof. That was awesome.
Rock Bottom:
Cena: God damnit Lt. Dan, you are on my last nerves. Maybe I will leave you out here to die, you unappreciative asshole.
(8)Oompa, Loompa, Doompity-Doo, I've got a Texas Ranger for you(8)
When Vince told Torrie that they usually took care of operations to boost a Diva's "charisma," she went ahead and ordered herself a nosejob. Boy did she regret it.
Rene: Zat will teach you to wear ze same colors as me to a party, you beetch!
RVD: Ok, which one of you am I supposed to fight? The guy in blue, the guy in yellow camo, or the little guy with the big nose and the pipe?
Lamuella:
Cena realised that beating up the little WWE symbol had been a mistake when he came back with his two big brothers and a Frost Giant.
The fat kid in the suit looked solemn, but inside he cackled with glee. When the hired muscle was finished with them, those bullies would regret the day they called him Lardass.
With 'taker's help, Nunzio could see right into the sorority shower room. These photos would turn out great!
After being hit on the head once too often, Torrie earnestly believed that she was a little teapot, short and stout.
Renee Dupree proved his boast that "My penis is so big it has to wear jeans!"
loopydate:
TAKER: Somebody had to get the ref out of the ring. Then I noticed he was sitting on his sweet can. So I licked his sweet can. Ohhhh, just thinking about his can, I wish I had his sweet, sweet, s-s-s-sweet can.
VOICE: I'm... not... telling... you... anything... you... didn't... already... know!
thuganomicalcrippler:
"YOU WILL WATCH GIGLI!"
RAW [5-10-2004]
Head:
"Stone Cold...as your friends, we're worried about you. You've been wearing that wig for 6 weeks straight now. Please Steve, we wouldn't be confronting you about this if we didn't love you."
Nowhere Man:
Michaels knew he could take all of the referees without any trouble, but when they got the assistant janitors on their side, he had no choice but to back down.
The Cage Match was well on its way to becoming a classic, when suddenly Christian was assassinated by the notorious Mid-Card Sniper.
loopydate:
XIAN: I could have won by going out the door? Boy, is MY face red!
El Santo:
Evolution may have played the prank of the century, but they were hardly prepared for Shelton's fury after they'd stolen his pants.
HBK had no choice. He had to stop ... in the name of love!
Randy's victory was tarnished by the return of a gigantic Tammy Lynn Sytch.
Eric: "What's that you have behind your back?"
Regal: "The secret to pushing Eugene after his feud against Conway is over!"
Eric: "Brilliant!"
Regal: "Brilliant!"
Kane: "Sorry to bug you there, Matt ... Lita ... but, have either of you seen my other eye?"
Y2J: "Hey, Problem Solver! What's the square root of 58392?"
Tomko: "Uhhhhh..."
Until he saw the footage, Christian didn't understand why his mom would go into nervous convulsions from seeing his Gatorade ads.
Corkscrewed:
Triple H was doing well in the Spelling Bee Finals until he had to spell "credibility."
The spirit of competition is one thing, but pitting a blonde against an Asian in a calculus contest is just plain unfair.
Jericho dazzled the audience with his spectacular top cage moonwalking skills.
Vastardikai:
HBK was gonna have a hard time now that the prison guards have joined forces with the escaped Convicts.
William: I found a way to keep Eugene in line.
Eric: How's that?
Eugene: Hey, William, I've stuck my hands to my head again!
William: Let's just say that Rhyno owes me one...
Ref: 18, 298, 9, 234, 90, 69, 4, 29...
Christian: DAMMIT! I lost count! Now I have to start all over again!
Lamuella:
In an unannounced cross-promotional move, William Regal brought out the winner of this year's Survivor. And didn't she look lovely?