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**Swiss Ultimate** · 01-02-2010, 12:36 PM

Top 5 Fictional Bad Ass Motherfuckers...(in no particular order)

Dick Cheney

A polarizing political figure whose transformation during the Bush administration from mildly popular political figure to full-on Darth Vader is actually more interesting than the entire Star Wars prequelogy. In real life he's just a die-hard Conservative who accidentally shot his friend during a hunting trip and never cared enough about his image to make nice. However, the character created for him as an evil mastermind/puppet-master is truly bad ass. He's been accused of everything from staging the 9/11 terror attacks to personally torturing prisoners at Gitmo. Current conspiracy theorists believe that he is actually still in power, pulling the strings from afar of his new toy the android known as Obama.

Sheriff Andy Griffith

Andy Griffith's character in the same-titled series about a small-town Sheriff and loosely based upon his stand-up comedy and old-timey wisdom maybe fired his gun once in the entire series and even then it wasn't at another human being. Andy's investigative skills allowed him to solve small-time problems with the efficiency of a redneck Sherlock Holmes, time after time he used his laid-back style to keep order and maintain peace.
But, he didn't have to. As the Sheriff of a small town in the middle of nowhere he could have acted freely and openly as a tyrant.
Have you ever met the Sheriff of a small town? Been in one? It always feels like you're one misstep away from a impromptu lynching. If Barney had been in charge there probably would have been several in the first season alone. Andy's restraint should earn him a spot in my top-5 but, his name-change to Matlock and subsequent crime-solving record put him over the top.

You might be (correctly) thinking that anyone wearing tights is at the very least an odd choice. In the book, however, he pretty much was half-naked with a few rags tied together to make him "decent". Peter Pan is a small child who can fly, is respected by a mystical tribe of Native Americans and fights a guerrilla war against full-grown adult pirates, pirates who are best known for raping and pillaging, hijacking cargoes and following, to the death, the orders of a fierce pirate Captain known only as Hook. Peter Pan fights adults on a daily basis, for fun, and more often than not wins. How many children do you know who've beat the shit out of adults? How many adults do you know who've mutilated people and fed their appendages to crocodiles? Yeah, thought so.

Cactus Jack is a lunatic. And that's without his actual wrestling exploits being added to the equation. He is mentally unhinged, enjoys other people's pain and has had episodes of schizophrenia on live television. How he kept getting hired to compete in the legitimate sport of professional wrestling is astounding, how he (without an athletic bone in his body) had so much success is baffling. Cactus became famous for sacrificing his body in order to win matches and then became infamous for sacrificing the bodies of other all over the world. He's been in more barbwire matches than John Cena's been in regular matches and still sells moves that don't involve fire, explosives or barbwire. Cactus jack is badass.

Darth Vader killed off every Jedi in the Galaxy save for two: Yoda and Obi Wan who he eventually killed off after he ceased to look like the guy from Big Fish. He froze Hans Fucking Solo in carbonite just to be a dick. Personally blew up his daughter's "home" planet and cut off the hand of his only son to earn the title of "Galaxy's Greatest Dad" then decided he had done everything he wanted to do as an evil magical warlord and killed the most powerful Sith in the universe, the Emperor. You know, just to have some Father-Son bonding time before he died and was given a Vikingesque funeral on a planet of fucking carebears. BADASS!

01-02-2010, 12:36 PM	#37
Swiss Ultimate Amazon Affiliate Posts: 42,694	Top 5 Fictional Bad Ass Motherfuckers...(in no particular order) Dick Cheney A polarizing political figure whose transformation during the Bush administration from mildly popular political figure to full-on Darth Vader is actually more interesting than the entire Star Wars prequelogy. In real life he's just a die-hard Conservative who accidentally shot his friend during a hunting trip and never cared enough about his image to make nice. However, the character created for him as an evil mastermind/puppet-master is truly bad ass. He's been accused of everything from staging the 9/11 terror attacks to personally torturing prisoners at Gitmo. Current conspiracy theorists believe that he is actually still in power, pulling the strings from afar of his new toy the android known as Obama. Sheriff Andy Griffith Andy Griffith's character in the same-titled series about a small-town Sheriff and loosely based upon his stand-up comedy and old-timey wisdom maybe fired his gun once in the entire series and even then it wasn't at another human being. Andy's investigative skills allowed him to solve small-time problems with the efficiency of a redneck Sherlock Holmes, time after time he used his laid-back style to keep order and maintain peace. But, he didn't have to. As the Sheriff of a small town in the middle of nowhere he could have acted freely and openly as a tyrant. Have you ever met the Sheriff of a small town? Been in one? It always feels like you're one misstep away from a impromptu lynching. If Barney had been in charge there probably would have been several in the first season alone. Andy's restraint should earn him a spot in my top-5 but, his name-change to Matlock and subsequent crime-solving record put him over the top. You might be (correctly) thinking that anyone wearing tights is at the very least an odd choice. In the book, however, he pretty much was half-naked with a few rags tied together to make him "decent". Peter Pan is a small child who can fly, is respected by a mystical tribe of Native Americans and fights a guerrilla war against full-grown adult pirates, pirates who are best known for raping and pillaging, hijacking cargoes and following, to the death, the orders of a fierce pirate Captain known only as Hook. Peter Pan fights adults on a daily basis, for fun, and more often than not wins. How many children do you know who've beat the shit out of adults? How many adults do you know who've mutilated people and fed their appendages to crocodiles? Yeah, thought so. Cactus Jack is a lunatic. And that's without his actual wrestling exploits being added to the equation. He is mentally unhinged, enjoys other people's pain and has had episodes of schizophrenia on live television. How he kept getting hired to compete in the legitimate sport of professional wrestling is astounding, how he (without an athletic bone in his body) had so much success is baffling. Cactus became famous for sacrificing his body in order to win matches and then became infamous for sacrificing the bodies of other all over the world. He's been in more barbwire matches than John Cena's been in regular matches and still sells moves that don't involve fire, explosives or barbwire. Cactus jack is badass. Darth Vader killed off every Jedi in the Galaxy save for two: Yoda and Obi Wan who he eventually killed off after he ceased to look like the guy from Big Fish. He froze Hans Fucking Solo in carbonite just to be a dick. Personally blew up his daughter's "home" planet and cut off the hand of his only son to earn the title of "Galaxy's Greatest Dad" then decided he had done everything he wanted to do as an evil magical warlord and killed the most powerful Sith in the universe, the Emperor. You know, just to have some Father-Son bonding time before he died and was given a Vikingesque funeral on a planet of fucking carebears. BADASS!