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**Innovator** · 03-30-2010, 04:03 PM

1:40: Long montage detailing the history of the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon feud, which had real-life roots: the famous "Montreal Screw Job" in 1997, when Vince stole Hart's belt Bennett Salvatore-style without warning him first, leading to Hart spitting on him and cold-cocking him after the match. I'd be more excited for the revenge match if Hart's in-ring skills hadn't been diminished by a 2003 stroke, and also if Vince and Bret weren't a combined 116 years old. Throw those two factors out and I'd be nervously pacing the room.

1:46: Wrinkle for this match: Bret's entire family will be our "lumberjacks" tonight; if anyone gets tossed out of the ring, the lumberjacks throw them back in (and can rough them up if they want). Yet another idea that could work in other sports. The WNBA should try it.

1:52: I'm not saying this match sucks, but 72,000 people in Arizona just came to the same realization: "This is a perfect time to either pee or get food."

1:58: After hitting Vince's body with a steel chair for two solid minutes, Bret does his signature sharpshooter (slowly), gets Vince to tap out and keeps it going for another 25 seconds, either as a vicious act or because he can't stand up. Thank God it's over. Let's just say that the last 12 minutes veered a little too close to Randy "The Ram" Robinson territory. I feel bad. That match made me feel bad.

2:04: Michael Cole mentions for the 72nd time that 72,000 people are here.

2:07: Next up: Edge and Chris Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship in a battle of … you're not gonna believe this … former tag-team partners turned bitter enemies! That never happens! I hate that there's a WWE title, a World Heavyweight Championship AND an Intercontinental title. It's everything we despise about the NCAA men's tournament and the NIT co-existing, multiplied by a million.

2:10: I'm rooting for Edge for three reasons:

A. He always has the same crazed look on his face that Matthew Lillard had in the last 10 minutes of "Scream." They even look alike.

B. I've always enjoyed his entrance music. On this day … I see clearly … every-thang has come to liiiiiife … It's just plain catchy.

C. He had enough success that he adopted a second nickname/gimmick as "The Rated-R Superstar." I've said it before, I'll say it again: When you have a nickname for your nickname, you know you've accomplished something in life.

2:13: Striker points out that Edge (Toronto) and Jericho (Winnipeg) hail from Canada and once trained together like brothers, leading to this exchange …

-- Striker: "It's almost like a brotherhood that has been severed."

(We see Jericho deliver a hard karate chop across Edge's chest.)

-- Lawler (joking): "Would you do that to your brother?"
-- Striker (serious): "I have four sisters, so no."

(He talks in cliches, he can't shut up, he can't say anything that isn't completely obvious, he can't sell jokes … what else can't Matt Striker do?!?!?!)

2:21: Good match. Crowd is into it. In other news, I'd like to be known as the Rated-PG-13 Superstar from now on.

2:26: Uh-oh, our referee was just inadvertently knocked down by an inadvertent punch. That never happens! Jericho takes advantage by hitting Edge with the title belt, then pinning him to retain the Not The WWE Or Intercontinental Title. Tragically, Edge takes his frustrations out by spearing Jericho on top of the Spanish announcers' table. I say "tragically" because Matt Striker wasn't underneath it.

2:28: On this day … I see clearly … every-thang has come to liiiiiife … That song is called "Metalingus" by Alter Bridge. Thank God I'm not drunk right now or I'd be downloading it. How do you think "Wicked" by Wicked Liquid (Josh's "Real World: Washington" band) ended up on my iPod last week?

2:32: We see highlights from tonight's battle royal which took place as "a dark match" before the pay-per-view started. Apparently $64 wasn't enough money to get to see it. I'm not even telling you the winner in protest.

2:39: I'm skipping over details of the 10-woman diva match that just happened; it was excruciating enough live. It ended with the only unattractive woman in the match executing something called the "hog splash." Say no more.

2:45: Can I interest you in John Cena taking on Batista for the WWE title? Our storyline: Batista (a tattooed, muscular, brooding bully) has held the WWE belt for much of the past five years, but Cena gets more attention and gets paid to make bad action movies. And now Batista is jealous. Or something. One shocker: During the "how these two guys came to hate each other" montage, Cena referred to Batista by his first name. You want to guess it? I'll give you a few seconds. Hold on.

(Waiting.)

(Waiting.)

(Waiting.)

(Waiting.)

(Waiting.)

And … time.

Dave.

Dave Batista.

That would have been like my 53rd guess. I would have gone Antonio, then Vinny, then Salvatore, then Sonny, then Joey, then Miguel, then …

2:50: The crowd is JACKED. Huge pop for the intros. Cena always draws a passionate mix of adoration and hatred; he's the WWE's biggest star, like a more benevolent Stone Cold Steve Austin, only he's never totally caught on as a babyface (I will explain why in a second). And Batista isn't just the WWE champ; he also holds the imaginary belt for "The Guy Who Seems Like He'd Beat The Crap Out Of Everyone Else If These Guys Were Really Fighting." A worthy main event on any other card.

2:53: During a conversation about Batista breaking Cena's neck two years ago, Striker utters this beauty: "I can tell you from experience being in the ring that your neck means EVERYTHING to your success." You know, as opposed to the other sports.

2:56: During a closeup of Cena squirming out of Batista's prolonged, behind-the-back-and-actually-this-is-making-me-a-little-uncomfortable-and-I-wish-they'd-do-another-move-soon bear hug, we see Cena tell him, "Hit me in the back," followed by Batista immediately kneeing him in the back. And just like that, wrestling was ruined for thousands of kids between the ages of 7 and 14 who thought it might be real.

(My moment happened in 1981 or 1982: Sixth row, MSG, brass-knuckles match between Greg Valentine and Pedro Morales. Somebody missed a punch and the other guy went flying backward like he had been belted. I was crushed. I will never forget my stepfather turning to me and saying, "See? See? I told you!" This would be a good documentary: "The Day I Found Out Wrestling Was Fake." Maybe someone could even tell the story about the time I ruined it for them with this paragraph.)
3:03: Batista barely kicks out after 2.93 seconds as the crowd groans in disbelief. Solid match so far. OK, here's the one thing that killed Cena's chances of ever getting 100 percent approval from fans: He wears jorts. Can you name one person in your life who wears jorts? The cynical side of me wonders if Vince McMahon knows this -- hence, an early jorts recommendation for Cena and the knowledge that he'd be a polarizing WWE star for the next 20 years.

3:04: Cena locks Batista in the STF (stepover toehold facelock) and … Good lord, Dave Batista just tapped out! Was it a good idea to have a title change hands on a tapout in a stadium with 72,000 people in it when most of those people can barely see the ring? Striker is undeterred: "The passion, the power, the grandeur, congratulations, John Cena is the new WWE champion!" At least until he has to leave for four months to make another action movie.

3:09: And now, our main event: Undertaker versus The Heartbreak Kid (Shawn Michaels) in a "Streak vs. Career" match. Three things you need to know about this one: First, HBK and Taker wrestled an all-time classic at last year's WrestleMania. Anticipation for the rematch resides at DEFCON 1. Second, Taker has never lost at WrestleMania. Seventeen straight. The best streak in fake sports. And third, Michaels is the best wrestler of the past 20 years. If HBK loses this match, he has to retire. That's the deal. Heavy stakes.

3:13: Michaels enters the ring with "Sexy Boy" playing for possibly the last time. Striker calls him "arguably the most decorated superstar in WWE history." You can read more in his new book, "Arguably, Perhaps: The Matt Striker Story."

3:15: Undertaker's creepy gothic entrance never gets old. Wait, that's not true. It got old about 10 years ago. Remains cool if you're there in the arena/stadium though. The fireworks make it. I'll be honest: I'm borderline giddy for this match. Wish we could have wagered on this. My fake line would be Undertaker -300 … and I would have parlayed him with Cena.

(Note: That's sign No. 324 that you might have a gambling problem … you come up with fake lines for wrestling matches.)

3:23: I'll give you one guess as to which announcer just compared Undertaker's 17 straight to Joe D's 56 straight and Orel Hershiser's scoreless streak.

3:29: Things wrestling and porn have in common, Vol. 78: An inordinate amount of guys in their 40s who have the long-stringy-sweaty-hair-while-balding-in-the-front thing going. We're seeing two of the greats right now.

(Other porn/wrestling parallels include individual gimmicks; finishing moves; a preponderance of pseudonyms; illegal drugs; a booming DVD market; pay-per-views; tattoos; horrible acting; artificially enhanced bodies; premature deaths; a lack of college degrees, writers and directors; and scenes that vary in length and can include anywhere from two to 30 people. Read more in my upcoming book, "Columns That Could Never Ever Run on ESPN.com Under Any Circumstances.")

3:36: Grueling match so far. A near-replica of the last time, actually: lots of near-pinfalls, guys getting thrown around like rag dolls and fans going bonkers. We just had the highlight: Undertaker clearing off the American announcers' table, getting super-kicked onto it, then Michaels moonsaults (like a reverse flip/dive) from the top rope on Undertaker's legs (and decimates the table). That's the closest we came to Matt Striker getting injured. Dammit! Undaunted, the crowd starts a "This is awe-some!" chant. Agreed.

3:41: Taker kicks out from a Michaels superkick. Something tells me Michaels is about to go down. Get ready for a tough spring, San Antonio: first Michaels, then the Tim Duncan Era … no!!!!!!! Michaels kicks out of Undertaker's patented move (the tombstone piledriver followed by crossed arms for the pin)!!! Nobody kicks out of that one! Could Michaels pull this out?

3:42: Nope. He's still getting worked. They just went for a Rocky/Apollo "end of the 14th round" homage: Undertaker not wanting to punish Michaels anymore, Michaels gamely trying to climb back to his feet, then Taker finally telling him, "Stay down!" Nope. All we're missing is Talia Shire closing her eyes and bowing her head.

3:43: Michaels gathers enough strength to defiantly slap Taker one last time. That was a mistake. Tombstone, cross, pin … and scene. Eighteen straight for the Undertaker. And again, we're in Glendale. This is weird. Especially now that we're watching a fireworks display with "18-0" in big letters. Couldn't Undertaker wrestle a second time tonight, then lose on a fluke move that features six different holding calls and someone pinning him after catching his tombstone on the back of his helmet?

3:46: Taker lifts Michaels up as the crowd gives HBK a much-deserved standing ovation. Great moment. That's followed by the handshake and hug. Another great moment. You never see the Prince of Darkness show compassion. I mean, he's the Prince of Darkness! Taker leaves the ring, allowing Michaels (now tearing up) to soak in one last standing O. Third great moment. You're damned right these were great moments. Hell, even Matt Striker shut up for once to let it breathe. Or they cut off his mike. One or the other.

A quick Michaels story: When WrestleMania XIV took place at the Boston Garden, I got press passes and brought my buddy Birdman with me. Michaels wrestled Steve Austin in the main event with Mike Tyson as the referee, but his back was profoundly messed up thanks to two herniated discs. There were rumors that the Heartbreak Kid might bow out. He didn't. During the match, you could see Michaels gritting and wincing through every bump. Austin pinned him for the title, then Tyson decked him with a right cross as the crowd went ballistic. They drank beers, toasted the crowd and left the ring. The event ended. Even the lights dimmed to signify things were done. Time to go home.

Not yet. Birdman wanted to stick around to see how injured Michaels really was. He had been lying in the ring during the entire Tyson/Austin celebration, unable and unwilling to move. Once the event ended, Triple H (his best friend) and Chyna (their "valet") scurried over to help him backstage. With the cameras off and nobody watching, Michaels scraped himself off the canvas, then stood in place for a couple of minutes. Finally, the three of them started moving toward the exit -- slowly, painstakingly -- with HBK's arms draped around his two friends. Only then did we realize how much pain Michaels had endured.

Shawn Michaels didn't wrestle again for four years. That's how long it took his body to recover. Was that night worth it? Only he knows. Twelve years later, he wrestled a monster farewell match and announced his official retirement one night later. We've seen a handful of phenomenal wrestlers and phenomenal performers over the years; only Ric Flair and Michaels can say they were both at once.

More importantly, I have no favorite wrestlers left. Snuka, Savage, Hogan, Austin, Michaels … they're all gone. You know what that means? It's time to stop ordering WrestleMania after 26 years. As with Michaels, it was a long and memorable run. As with Michaels, you have to know when it's time to walk away. And I will. Twenty-six was enough.

(Well, at least until my son becomes old enough to watch wrestling. And then? I'm back, baby!)

03-30-2010, 04:03 PM	#2
Innovator Inno Knows. Posts: 43,710	1:40: Long montage detailing the history of the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon feud, which had real-life roots: the famous "Montreal Screw Job" in 1997, when Vince stole Hart's belt Bennett Salvatore-style without warning him first, leading to Hart spitting on him and cold-cocking him after the match. I'd be more excited for the revenge match if Hart's in-ring skills hadn't been diminished by a 2003 stroke, and also if Vince and Bret weren't a combined 116 years old. Throw those two factors out and I'd be nervously pacing the room. 1:46: Wrinkle for this match: Bret's entire family will be our "lumberjacks" tonight; if anyone gets tossed out of the ring, the lumberjacks throw them back in (and can rough them up if they want). Yet another idea that could work in other sports. The WNBA should try it. 1:52: I'm not saying this match sucks, but 72,000 people in Arizona just came to the same realization: "This is a perfect time to either pee or get food." 1:58: After hitting Vince's body with a steel chair for two solid minutes, Bret does his signature sharpshooter (slowly), gets Vince to tap out and keeps it going for another 25 seconds, either as a vicious act or because he can't stand up. Thank God it's over. Let's just say that the last 12 minutes veered a little too close to Randy "The Ram" Robinson territory. I feel bad. That match made me feel bad. 2:04: Michael Cole mentions for the 72nd time that 72,000 people are here. 2:07: Next up: Edge and Chris Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship in a battle of … you're not gonna believe this … former tag-team partners turned bitter enemies! That never happens! I hate that there's a WWE title, a World Heavyweight Championship AND an Intercontinental title. It's everything we despise about the NCAA men's tournament and the NIT co-existing, multiplied by a million. 2:10: I'm rooting for Edge for three reasons: A. He always has the same crazed look on his face that Matthew Lillard had in the last 10 minutes of "Scream." They even look alike. B. I've always enjoyed his entrance music. On this day … I see clearly … every-thang has come to liiiiiife … It's just plain catchy. C. He had enough success that he adopted a second nickname/gimmick as "The Rated-R Superstar." I've said it before, I'll say it again: When you have a nickname for your nickname, you know you've accomplished something in life. 2:13: Striker points out that Edge (Toronto) and Jericho (Winnipeg) hail from Canada and once trained together like brothers, leading to this exchange … -- Striker: "It's almost like a brotherhood that has been severed." (We see Jericho deliver a hard karate chop across Edge's chest.) -- Lawler (joking): "Would you do that to your brother?" -- Striker (serious): "I have four sisters, so no." (He talks in cliches, he can't shut up, he can't say anything that isn't completely obvious, he can't sell jokes … what else can't Matt Striker do?!?!?!) 2:21: Good match. Crowd is into it. In other news, I'd like to be known as the Rated-PG-13 Superstar from now on. 2:26: Uh-oh, our referee was just inadvertently knocked down by an inadvertent punch. That never happens! Jericho takes advantage by hitting Edge with the title belt, then pinning him to retain the Not The WWE Or Intercontinental Title. Tragically, Edge takes his frustrations out by spearing Jericho on top of the Spanish announcers' table. I say "tragically" because Matt Striker wasn't underneath it. 2:28: On this day … I see clearly … every-thang has come to liiiiiife … That song is called "Metalingus" by Alter Bridge. Thank God I'm not drunk right now or I'd be downloading it. How do you think "Wicked" by Wicked Liquid (Josh's "Real World: Washington" band) ended up on my iPod last week? 2:32: We see highlights from tonight's battle royal which took place as "a dark match" before the pay-per-view started. Apparently $64 wasn't enough money to get to see it. I'm not even telling you the winner in protest. 2:39: I'm skipping over details of the 10-woman diva match that just happened; it was excruciating enough live. It ended with the only unattractive woman in the match executing something called the "hog splash." Say no more. 2:45: Can I interest you in John Cena taking on Batista for the WWE title? Our storyline: Batista (a tattooed, muscular, brooding bully) has held the WWE belt for much of the past five years, but Cena gets more attention and gets paid to make bad action movies. And now Batista is jealous. Or something. One shocker: During the "how these two guys came to hate each other" montage, Cena referred to Batista by his first name. You want to guess it? I'll give you a few seconds. Hold on. (Waiting.) (Waiting.) (Waiting.) (Waiting.) (Waiting.) And … time. Dave. Dave Batista. That would have been like my 53rd guess. I would have gone Antonio, then Vinny, then Salvatore, then Sonny, then Joey, then Miguel, then … 2:50: The crowd is JACKED. Huge pop for the intros. Cena always draws a passionate mix of adoration and hatred; he's the WWE's biggest star, like a more benevolent Stone Cold Steve Austin, only he's never totally caught on as a babyface (I will explain why in a second). And Batista isn't just the WWE champ; he also holds the imaginary belt for "The Guy Who Seems Like He'd Beat The Crap Out Of Everyone Else If These Guys Were Really Fighting." A worthy main event on any other card. 2:53: During a conversation about Batista breaking Cena's neck two years ago, Striker utters this beauty: "I can tell you from experience being in the ring that your neck means EVERYTHING to your success." You know, as opposed to the other sports. 2:56: During a closeup of Cena squirming out of Batista's prolonged, behind-the-back-and-actually-this-is-making-me-a-little-uncomfortable-and-I-wish-they'd-do-another-move-soon bear hug, we see Cena tell him, "Hit me in the back," followed by Batista immediately kneeing him in the back. And just like that, wrestling was ruined for thousands of kids between the ages of 7 and 14 who thought it might be real. (My moment happened in 1981 or 1982: Sixth row, MSG, brass-knuckles match between Greg Valentine and Pedro Morales. Somebody missed a punch and the other guy went flying backward like he had been belted. I was crushed. I will never forget my stepfather turning to me and saying, "See? See? I told you!" This would be a good documentary: "The Day I Found Out Wrestling Was Fake." Maybe someone could even tell the story about the time I ruined it for them with this paragraph.) 3:03: Batista barely kicks out after 2.93 seconds as the crowd groans in disbelief. Solid match so far. OK, here's the one thing that killed Cena's chances of ever getting 100 percent approval from fans: He wears jorts. Can you name one person in your life who wears jorts? The cynical side of me wonders if Vince McMahon knows this -- hence, an early jorts recommendation for Cena and the knowledge that he'd be a polarizing WWE star for the next 20 years. 3:04: Cena locks Batista in the STF (stepover toehold facelock) and … Good lord, Dave Batista just tapped out! Was it a good idea to have a title change hands on a tapout in a stadium with 72,000 people in it when most of those people can barely see the ring? Striker is undeterred: "The passion, the power, the grandeur, congratulations, John Cena is the new WWE champion!" At least until he has to leave for four months to make another action movie. 3:09: And now, our main event: Undertaker versus The Heartbreak Kid (Shawn Michaels) in a "Streak vs. Career" match. Three things you need to know about this one: First, HBK and Taker wrestled an all-time classic at last year's WrestleMania. Anticipation for the rematch resides at DEFCON 1. Second, Taker has never lost at WrestleMania. Seventeen straight. The best streak in fake sports. And third, Michaels is the best wrestler of the past 20 years. If HBK loses this match, he has to retire. That's the deal. Heavy stakes. 3:13: Michaels enters the ring with "Sexy Boy" playing for possibly the last time. Striker calls him "arguably the most decorated superstar in WWE history." You can read more in his new book, "Arguably, Perhaps: The Matt Striker Story." 3:15: Undertaker's creepy gothic entrance never gets old. Wait, that's not true. It got old about 10 years ago. Remains cool if you're there in the arena/stadium though. The fireworks make it. I'll be honest: I'm borderline giddy for this match. Wish we could have wagered on this. My fake line would be Undertaker -300 … and I would have parlayed him with Cena. (Note: That's sign No. 324 that you might have a gambling problem … you come up with fake lines for wrestling matches.) 3:23: I'll give you one guess as to which announcer just compared Undertaker's 17 straight to Joe D's 56 straight and Orel Hershiser's scoreless streak. 3:29: Things wrestling and porn have in common, Vol. 78: An inordinate amount of guys in their 40s who have the long-stringy-sweaty-hair-while-balding-in-the-front thing going. We're seeing two of the greats right now. (Other porn/wrestling parallels include individual gimmicks; finishing moves; a preponderance of pseudonyms; illegal drugs; a booming DVD market; pay-per-views; tattoos; horrible acting; artificially enhanced bodies; premature deaths; a lack of college degrees, writers and directors; and scenes that vary in length and can include anywhere from two to 30 people. Read more in my upcoming book, "Columns That Could Never Ever Run on ESPN.com Under Any Circumstances.") 3:36: Grueling match so far. A near-replica of the last time, actually: lots of near-pinfalls, guys getting thrown around like rag dolls and fans going bonkers. We just had the highlight: Undertaker clearing off the American announcers' table, getting super-kicked onto it, then Michaels moonsaults (like a reverse flip/dive) from the top rope on Undertaker's legs (and decimates the table). That's the closest we came to Matt Striker getting injured. Dammit! Undaunted, the crowd starts a "This is awe-some!" chant. Agreed. 3:41: Taker kicks out from a Michaels superkick. Something tells me Michaels is about to go down. Get ready for a tough spring, San Antonio: first Michaels, then the Tim Duncan Era … no!!!!!!! Michaels kicks out of Undertaker's patented move (the tombstone piledriver followed by crossed arms for the pin)!!! Nobody kicks out of that one! Could Michaels pull this out? 3:42: Nope. He's still getting worked. They just went for a Rocky/Apollo "end of the 14th round" homage: Undertaker not wanting to punish Michaels anymore, Michaels gamely trying to climb back to his feet, then Taker finally telling him, "Stay down!" Nope. All we're missing is Talia Shire closing her eyes and bowing her head. 3:43: Michaels gathers enough strength to defiantly slap Taker one last time. That was a mistake. Tombstone, cross, pin … and scene. Eighteen straight for the Undertaker. And again, we're in Glendale. This is weird. Especially now that we're watching a fireworks display with "18-0" in big letters. Couldn't Undertaker wrestle a second time tonight, then lose on a fluke move that features six different holding calls and someone pinning him after catching his tombstone on the back of his helmet? 3:46: Taker lifts Michaels up as the crowd gives HBK a much-deserved standing ovation. Great moment. That's followed by the handshake and hug. Another great moment. You never see the Prince of Darkness show compassion. I mean, he's the Prince of Darkness! Taker leaves the ring, allowing Michaels (now tearing up) to soak in one last standing O. Third great moment. You're damned right these were great moments. Hell, even Matt Striker shut up for once to let it breathe. Or they cut off his mike. One or the other. A quick Michaels story: When WrestleMania XIV took place at the Boston Garden, I got press passes and brought my buddy Birdman with me. Michaels wrestled Steve Austin in the main event with Mike Tyson as the referee, but his back was profoundly messed up thanks to two herniated discs. There were rumors that the Heartbreak Kid might bow out. He didn't. During the match, you could see Michaels gritting and wincing through every bump. Austin pinned him for the title, then Tyson decked him with a right cross as the crowd went ballistic. They drank beers, toasted the crowd and left the ring. The event ended. Even the lights dimmed to signify things were done. Time to go home. Not yet. Birdman wanted to stick around to see how injured Michaels really was. He had been lying in the ring during the entire Tyson/Austin celebration, unable and unwilling to move. Once the event ended, Triple H (his best friend) and Chyna (their "valet") scurried over to help him backstage. With the cameras off and nobody watching, Michaels scraped himself off the canvas, then stood in place for a couple of minutes. Finally, the three of them started moving toward the exit -- slowly, painstakingly -- with HBK's arms draped around his two friends. Only then did we realize how much pain Michaels had endured. Shawn Michaels didn't wrestle again for four years. That's how long it took his body to recover. Was that night worth it? Only he knows. Twelve years later, he wrestled a monster farewell match and announced his official retirement one night later. We've seen a handful of phenomenal wrestlers and phenomenal performers over the years; only Ric Flair and Michaels can say they were both at once. More importantly, I have no favorite wrestlers left. Snuka, Savage, Hogan, Austin, Michaels … they're all gone. You know what that means? It's time to stop ordering WrestleMania after 26 years. As with Michaels, it was a long and memorable run. As with Michaels, you have to know when it's time to walk away. And I will. Twenty-six was enough. (Well, at least until my son becomes old enough to watch wrestling. And then? I'm back, baby!)