DEAD WRONG WRESTLING
[Intro:
“We’rewolf” by Every Time I Die. The Miz, Murder City Machine Guns, Rey Mysterio, John Morrison and Rhino are highlighted.]
[Fade in on the announce table.]
Joel Gertner: Well, well, well if you got an hour, I've got the power. I’m Joel 'So hot I gotta get in the sauna just to keep cool' Gertner and at my side is…um…Raven.
Raven: What? No big intro?
Joel Gertner: Fans of Dead Wrong Wrestling have been waiting a long time for this night. On behalf of the boys and girls in the back I just want to say “Thank you, HBO”, the rent’s on time and life is beautiful. In honor of our company’s new host we will be presenting you, the fans, with two Title matches tonight.
[The lights dim and “Folsom Prison Blues” begins to play. The live crowd is electric as the Hardcore Legend Terry Funk hustles out from the entrance way dressed in a fine-tailored suit, a cowboy hat sitting atop his head. His eyes stare off into the distance for a moment as the song fades and the fans start to chant “Thank You Terry”. He climbs into the ring and lets it all soak in.]
Raven: The Funker is in the building, Joel.
[Terry raises a hand to calm the crowd and brings the mic’ to his lips.]
Terry Funk: Hello El Paso! Dead Wrong Wrestling is finally here! For the first time in a long time all the pieces have come together and the puzzle is complete. We have the funding, we have the television contract and we have the very best wrestlers in the business here tonight!
[In the midst of the applause “Bitches” by Mindless Self Indulgence begins to play and the fans begin to boo as the DWW World Heavyweight Champion makes his way to the entrance stage. The Miz does not look happy. Nor do the DWW World Tag Team Champions the Murder City Machine Guns Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin who stand on either side of The Miz. A “You Suck Dick” chant gains some stream but, The Miz cuts it off.]
The Miz: Well, at least I don’t live in Texas.
[Massive boos]
The Miz: Speaking of which, Terry Funk, you told us we were going to be defending our respective titles tonight. I’m fine with that, we have a roster full of midgets and foreigners and frankly I’m not very impressed. [The Miz continues through the ensuing boos] and you told us that we’d be on HBO and that you’d respect my freedom of speech, you wouldn’t censor the three best wrestlers, not just in this company, but in the world.
[The camera pans across a sea of fans catching more than a few Murder City Machine Guns signs]
The Miz: What you didn’t tell us was that we’d be defending our titles in…Texas.
Terry Funk: Now wait just a-
The Miz: [enraged now] Really? Texas? … Reaaallly?? You redneck crippled asshole. [Major boos] You make us come to the inbreeding capitol of the world and have the au-fucking-dacity to make us work?
Alex Shelley: Do we look like Mexicans?
Chris Sabin: No we don’t. We are not Mexicans, Terry.
The Miz: What do you have to say for yourself?
[Terry stands in the ring fuming, his head shaking in anger. He waits a moment before pressing the mic to his lips.]
Terry Funk: You got a problem with Mexicans, son? Well, work it out with Rey Mysterio tonight.
[The Miz’s face goes sour. The MCMGs are outraged.]
Terry Funk: Cut their mic’s, they got something to say they can say it in the ring. You little punks are going to put your belts on the line against Kofi Kingston and John Morrison and if you ever think…if you ever dream…of insulting the state of Texas in front of me again I’ll stick a branding iron up your asses so fast your tears will turn to steam.
Joel Gertner: And we’re off to an excellent start tonight!
[The Miz and the MCMGs exit the entrance stage and Terry Funk revels in his victory of words. Fade to black.]
Raven: When it’s hot out, when the heat-wave comes, tensions run high. People do things they normally wouldn’t do. In the DWW you sometimes have to do things you’ll regret if you want to survive. Get ready for SummerBANG’10. It’s about to get hot in here.
[Text: Tickets Available now. Location: Madison Square Garden Four ½ Weeks from Today]
Summarized Match:
Rhino comes out to “Bring the Pain” by Method Man, it’s announced that this will be a handicapped “Anything Goes” Match and his opponents Jesse Neal and Primo storm the ring with steel chairs in hand. Rhino smashes Primo’s chair into his face with a big boot and dodges a swing from Jesse Neal catching him for a brutal german suplex. Jesse becomes the recipient of a dozen or so stomps until Primo breaks it up with a standing drop-kick to the back of Rhino’s head. Jesse puts Rhino in the Camel clutch, Primo bounces off the ropes and nails Rhino in the face with another dropkick. Rhino kicks out after 1. Primo locks on an arm-bar a little too close to the ropes and the ref forces him to release it after 5. Jesse and Primo nailing punches now to a shaken Rhino when he bursts out with a desperate double-clothesline following it up with a cover on Primo for 2. Neal goes to the outside and pulls a table from underneath the ring, before he can slide it into the ring Rhino applies a Triangle Choke onto Primo who taps out immediately. The bell is rung and Rhino’s hand is raised to moderate cheers from the crowd. Jesse Neal angered by the loss slides the table into the ring and sets it up in the corner before charging Rhino with a double-hammer strike only to be caught in mid-air and GORED GORED GORED through the table in the corner.
Match Time: 8 Minutes
Joel Gertner: I haven’t seen somebody drilled like that since I got off redtube five minutes ago.
Raven: Hey, why are they paying me to do color commentary again?
Joel Gertner: Up next we’ve got the British Tigers Rob Terry and Brutus Magnus versus JTG and MVP accompanied to the ring by the lovely and talented Alicia Fox
Raven: Don’t forget Daffney, supposedly she’s managing Magnus these days. And while I’m on the topic of the British Tigers, have you seen a double-team move as brutal as the “Tiger Stomp” in the recent past?
Joel Gertner: I wouldn’t sleep with it, Raven.
[A clip of the move is played. Rob Terry nailing a massive top-rope chokeslam onto Shark Boy followed by Magnus spring-boarding himself into the ring and landing firmly with both feet onto the chest of his victim. Cut back to the announce table.]
Raven: Yes, I guess sleeping with a double-team move would be a bad idea…
Match Summary:
“Golden Years” by David Bowie begins to play as the British Tigers make their way to the ring with Daffney in tow. They throw some abuse at the fans when “Gold Digger” by Kanye West begins to play, the lights dimming and a purple glow filling the arena. JTG, MVP and Alicia Fox make their entrance to a good deal of fan-fare. The match starts off with JTG and Rob Terry who trade right hands before JTG gets the advantage, irish whip into the ropes, JTG nails a picture-perfect clothesline following it up with a running flipping neckbreaker to the seated Terry. JTG goes for the pin, 2 count. Pulls Terry to his corner and tags MVP in who hits a Flapjack on Terry following it up with the “Ballin’ Elbow” for a 2 count. MVP sets Terry up for the Drive-by Kick only to have his legs sweeped out from under him. Terry stomps MVP into submission and tags in Magnus who rocks MVP with a series of ruthless European uppercuts before pushing him into the corner. Daffney gets up on the ring-apron into MVP’s face, Alicia Fox charges her and they being to brawl. MVP escapes and Magnus follows only to be caught by a snap overhead belly to belly suplex for a 2 count. MVP tags in JTG who climbs the turnbuckle before being distracted by Daffney who is assaulting Fox. Magnus tags out allowing Rob Terry to get into the ring and catch JTG for the top-rope chokeslam. Magnus climbs the turnbuckle and nails the warrior’s way (Tiger Stomp), Terry hooks a leg for 3 as Magnus hits a running clothesline on MVP.
Match Time: 9 minutes 45 seconds
Joel Gertner: Just like a bitch…
Raven: Hey, we got a cruiser-weight match up next!