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Feeling Oof-y
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HARD KNOCKS WRESTLING PRESENTS:
CRAM SESSION, WEEK ONE
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The sound of a school bell rings throughout the arena as a cue for the theme song of the one and only Matt Striker. He walks through the entrance in a black suit, slapping hands with ringside fans as he makes his way to the ring. A stagehand tosses him a microphone and he addresses the crowd.
STRIKER: Hello everyone, and welcome to the inaugural production of Hard Knocks Wrestling’s flagship program, Cram Session! I am your teacher…as well as your owner…Matt Striker!
We here at Hard Knocks Wrestling intend to bring you the absolute best wrestling action that the industry has to offer. I don’t want to bore you with details, because the action here speaks for itself. From here on, the school of hard knocks is NOW in session!
The ring bell sounds and Matt Striker exits the ring and makes his way to the announce table at ringside. Replacing him in the ring with a microphone is the HKW ring announcer and color analyst, Sean Morley.
MORLEY: HELLLLOOOOOOO, HARD KNOCKS! You know, the Big Seanbowski knows a lot about hard knocks…
Matt Striker clears his throat into a microphone and taps his watch for Morley to see, indicating to him to get the show on the road. Morely smirks and continues…
MORLEY: Have it your way, Teach…this opening contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! The winner will have a chance to compete for the inaugural Hard Knocks Heavyweight Championship at our first pay-per-view, Graduation in just four weeks!
The arena comes alive as the theme music of Kurt Angle blares through the PA system. Kurt poses at the top of the entrance in front of a small pyrotechnics display, soaking in the cheers of the crowd. He is intense and prepared for combat as he makes his way to the ring.
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Batista, wearing street clothes, pays absolutely no attention to the fanfare as he makes a beeline for the ring and snatches the microphone from Sean Morley’s hand…
BATISTA: What the hell is this, Matt Striker? You never said I had to wrestle tonight. You said I could have promo time tonight!
Matt Striker stands up from the announce position and grabs a mic.
STRIKER: I know Dave, and I’m really sorry. I just figured since I had signed one of the biggest names in the wrestling world, it wouldn’t be wise to leave him out of the heavyweight title race.
BATISTA: Do you know how many titles shots I’ve had in my life? What really makes you think I would give a damn about this one? You lied to me, Striker! You can take your precious title shot and shove it up your ass until I get the promo time you promised me!
Batista slams the mic down and storms out of the ring, heading backstage.
Sean Morley shrugs before picking up the microphone and announcing that this match will now be a one-on-one contest.
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”The All-American American” Jack Swagger makes his way to the ring, grinning from ear to ear. He too snatches the mic from Sean Morley. Morley throws his hands up in exasperation before exiting the ring and joining Matt Striker at the announce table. Jack steps up face to face with the Olympic gold medalist.
SWAGGER: What’s the matter, Kurt? Is this too much like looking in a mirror for you right now? You know…a mirror that makes you taller, stronger, more handsome, younger, and more accomplished than you could ever dream possible?
Kurt jumps up and headbutts Jack Swagger dead on the nose. Jack’s nose starts gushing blood as the bell rings.
KURT ANGLE VS. JACK SWAGGER (WINNER GETS A HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE SHOT AT GRADUATION )
Kurt Angle ducks behind the reeling Swagger and dumps him on his head with an Angle Slam. Kurt snatches up Swagger’s leg and locks in his patented Ankle Lock. Swagger taps immediately.
WINNER: Kurt Angle via submission
Kurt has little time to celebrate as the suit-clad Chris Jericho appears at the top of the entrance with a microphone.
JERICHO: Congratulations, Kurt. You’ve just earned yourself the right to be humiliated in defeat at the inaugural Hard Knocks Wrestling pay-per-view. You see, I’m in a triple threat tonight with the same stipulation as your match here. You may have been the best in the world at what you do back in 1996, but the present is standing here looking you in the face, promising you that the main event of Graduation will be an embarrassment and a complete waste of your time. Do you understand what I’m saying to you right now?
Kurt picks up a mic.
ANGLE: Well Chris, if you really want to show everyone who the best in the world is, why don’t you walk on down here and give me a reason to believe you?
JERICHO: I’d love to come and stuff your medals down your throat right now, but I just told you I’m already booked tonight. I will make you ALL believers at Graduation.
***COMMERCIAL***
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”The Nature Boy” Ric Flair styles and profiles to the ring in an Armani suit. He is handed a mic.
FLAIR: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
FLAIR: Man does it feel GREAT to be back in a wrestling ring! Man does it feel GREAT to be here at the very first Cram Session! Man does it feel GREAT…..to be the NATURE BOY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Interrupting the crowd’s response—]
CM Punk stands at the top of the entrance with a mic.
PUNK: The Nature Boy? You know, that’s one of wrestling’s great mysteries…what exactly is a nature boy? While I’m sure you have your own answer to that mystery in that bleach-stained brain of yours, allow me to tell you what a Nature Boy is NOT….natural.
I’ve heard stories about your extra curricular activities outside of the ring, Ric. I know all about the kinds of things you do when you’re not busy dragging your ninety year old carcass around the ring, selling your soul for another paycheck. Frankly, I think it’s safe to say that you are the most vile and despicable specimen to ever lace a pair of boots, and in an industry like this one, that is QUITE the accomplishment.
Now normally, Ric…that wouldn’t bother me. Bottom feeders aren’t going anywhere. But my problem with you is this.
CM Punk clears his throat before doing his best Ric Flair impression.
PUNK: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Punk shakes his head in disgust.
PUNK: You hear that? You see the influence you have over these idiots?
FLAIR: A lot more than you’ll ever have, junior! WOOOOOOOOOO!
CROWD: WOOO—
PUNK: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUP! You’re infecting my whole generation with your poison, Flair! It was bad enough when it was still just YOUR generation, but I refuse to sit idly by and let you do the same all over again! I will put a stop to this! I promise!
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R-TRUTH VS. PAUL BURCHILL
[i]As soon as the bell rings, two men appear at the top of the entrance: one is Elijah Burke, and the other is Shad Gaspard. They both wear t-shirts with the words “LIGHTS OUT” printed across the front and black jeans. They stand with their arms folded across their chests as they watch the match from there.
R-Truth and Paul Burchill engage in a fairly even contest. Burchill gets the upperhand early using his size and strength to his advantage. He works Truth’s left leg for most of the match, looking to keep him grounded. The strategy works well for a while, until Paul argues with the referee about what he thought should have been a sure three count. When Paul finally turns his attention back to Truth, he is hit with the Lie Detector and covered for the three count.
WINNER: R-Truth via pinfall
After the pinfall, R-Truth picks up a microphone. He looks at Elijah Burke and Shad Gaspard at the top of the entrance as he speaks.
TRUTH: Excuse me gentlemen, but does there seem to be a problem?
Elijah and Shad simply casts looks of disgust upon R-Truth before shaking their heads in disdain and heading to the backstage area without responding. R-Truth shrugs and raps his theme song with the crowd.
***COMMERCIAL***
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Sean Morley is backstage, running with a mic to catch up with Batista, who is carrying his luggage and appears to be on his way to the parking lot.
MORLEY: Dave, I have to ask you…why would you turn down the opportunity to become the first ever Hard Knocks Heavyweight champion?
BATISTA: If this isn’t the promo time I asked for, then I have nothing to say to you.
MORLEY: (thinking on his feet)…uhhh, it is? I mean, yes, it is! Here you go.
Batista stops walking while Morley hands him his microphone. Batista smiles and looks directly into the camera.
BATISTA: Hey, how’s everybody out there doing tonight? You know, I took a plane to get here, and boy is that food AWFUL! I mean, seriously. If you listen to hip hop, you’d think that ‘fly’ meant the best things in life, but this food was clearly off the mark…you know what I’m saying?
Morley looks on in utter confusion. Batista notices and turns his attention towards him.
BATISTA: What? You didn’t think that was funny?
MORLEY: Uhhhh….was it supposed to be funny?
BATISTA: Look Sean, I’ve absolutely done it all in the wrestling world. I’ve been the champ. I’ve beaten the best. I’ve been in some of the biggest matches our sport has ever seen…but no matter what happens, people look at me like I’m some sort of one trick pony. Like I’m just all muscle…like I don’t have any real skills….like I’m stupid or something.
Batista’s mood darkens…
BATISTA: But I’m NOT stupid, Sean. I have a brain. A good brain. A brain that now creates…stand up comedy.
Sean Morley is dumbfounded. Batista speaks slowly and calmly.
[b]BATISTA: So now…I will ask you again…and if you know what’s good for you…you will be…completely…honest…with me. Was…it…funny?
Morley takes a long, awkward pause before responding.
MORLEY: It could….maybe….use a little work?
Batista snaps and clotheslines Morley to the ground. He mounts him and hammers down heavy fists, screaming “IS IT FUNNY NOW?” as he pummels the helpless Morley into the ground. This continues for a few moments until security and backstage crew members attempt to pry Batista off of Sean Morley. They are repeatedly tossed aside until seven or so of them finally manage to break him away.
Chris Jericho can be seen watching from the shadows. He smiles wryly.
**
Cut backstage to The Miz, Alex Riley, and Chris Masters. The Miz and Alex Riley are both in wrestling gear. Chris Masters is in a t-shirt and jeans. All three of them are wearing a letterman’s jacket over their attires. Christy Hemme stands with them, wearing a cheerleader outfit with a ridiculously short skirt and a very low cut top.
THE MIZ: Tonight’s the night, boys…tonight’s the night where we put Team Awesome on the map. Tonight, we make Hard Knocks Wrestling stand up and take notice of the most dominant force in professional wrestling today. It all starts with you, A-Ri. You’re going to beat Kofi Kingston so badly that he’ll regret ever signing a contract.
Alex Riley smirks, all-knowingly.
RILEY: I’m going to smack him back to Jamaica…or Africa…or wherever the hell he’s from now.
THE MIZ: Now normally, I’d be out there at ringside to support you, but Matt Striker was smart enough to put me in the triple threat match to determine who’s facing Kurt Angle at Graduation. So instead, you’ve got Big Chris over here to watch your back.
Chris Masters nods and smiles.
MASTERS: Don’t even sweat it, Alex. Your match is as good as a done deal.
THE MIZ: Christy…you gorgeous piece of work…I want you at ringside with me tonight so you can watch a real chick magnet do his thing…(leaning in and speaking softly into Christy’s ear)…up close and personal.
Christy smiles seductively and runs her pointer finger down the middle of The Miz’s chest as she speaks.
CHRISTY: You don’t know how hot hearing you say that just got me. You sure we don’t have some time before the match to…
Christy trails off and her attention shifts upward. The Big Show now stands behind The Miz. He smiles with his arms crossed across his massive chest.
BIG SHOW: What’s up, guys? Sweet jackets. What are we talking about?
THE MIZ: We? We? Don’t even try to group yourself in with us. You will NEVER be in Team Awesome. You’ve ridden my coat tails far enough, and I suggest you get out of here right now while you’re still able to compete in tonight’s triple threat.
The Big Show shakes his head, sadly.
BIG SHOW: Have it your way, Miz. I was all ready to put our history behind us and let bygones be bygones. I was coming over to wish you luck tonight…but now…(leaning down close to The Miz’s face and speaking through gritted teeth)…it’s personal.
The Big Show stands up straight and smiles again.
BIG SHOW: Toodles!
The Big Show waves and walks away. Team Awesome watch him leave with anger in their faces.
***COMMERCIAL***
[A commercial airs promoting that the Motor City Machine Guns will be in action NEXT WEEK on Cram Session!]
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KOFI KINGSTON VS. ALEX RILEY
Kofi Kingston enters the arena to much fanfare, slapping hands with the fans and just having a good time in general like he always does. Alex Riley enters accompanied by “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters.
Kofi catches Riley off guard early with his unique offense. Every time Riley seems as if he’s about to turn things around in his favor, Kofi offers a unique counter. Kofi, with the match seemingly well in hand, takes some time to appeal to the crowd. As he does, Chris Masters jumps up on the apron and begins screaming at Kofi to fight Alex like a real man. Kofi argues back with him as the referee steps in between to separate them. When he finally does, Alex Riley has recovered enough to pick Kofi up on his shoulders and drop him with a TKO. Riley makes the cover and gets the three count.
WINNER: Alex Riley via pinall
***COMMERCIAL***
[The commercial promoting next week’s appearance from The Motor City Machine Guns airs during this break as well.]
Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase (Jr., mind you) are backstage viewing a monitor showing the MCMG commercial.
RHODES: Do you really think they expect anybody to tune in next week just to watch two flashes in the pan like Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin? We didn’t get any commercials about us! On top of that, we didn’t even get booked tonight!
DiBIASE: I’d like to think Matt Striker is smarter than that, but I’d imagine all that time behind an announcer’s desk may have fried his brain…but don’t worry. I’ve got something in the works that will put the Motor City Water Pistols exactly in their place AND make Hard Knocks respect us like they should.
RHODES: Oh yeah? Care to elaborate?
DiBIASE: How about I just fill you in with the rest of the world when Motor City shows up next week?
**
CM Punk v. Evan Bourne
Evan Bourne slaps hands with the fans on his way to the ring and generally just looks very excited to be a part of Hard Knocks Wrestling. CM Punk enters in a foul mood, presumably from his confrontation with Ric Flair earlier in the program.
Punk starts the match off very aggressively, catching Bourne with some hard strikes, but his aggression backfires when he attempts an early Go To Sleep. Bourne counters out of it with some well placed knees to the temple and twists out of danger with a beautiful tornado DDT.
Bourne continues to catch Punk off guard with high impact offense, scoring several near falls along the way. Bourne even gets Punk in position for the Airbourne shooting star press, but a desperate Punk rolls out of ring before Bourne leaps, biding his time on the outside of the ring and calling for a ‘time out’ that will never come. Bourne shifts his direction and makes a leap of faith to the outside, driving both of his knees into Punk’s chest and sending Punk to the ground hard. An unscathed Bourne gets up and gives the crowd a peace sign while Punk clutches his chest and rolls on the ground in agony.
Bourne jumps back into the ring as the referee begins to count Punk out. Punk gets to his feet around the 8 count. At 9, he rolls into the ring, and then immediately back out to restart the count. The crowd does not approve of his tactics. Punk turns his back on the ring around the 5 count to admonish a fan about the dangers of the beer he’s holding. Bourne looks to seize an opportunity as he hits the ropes and goes flying towards Punk with a suicide dive.
It actually DOES turn out to be suicide as the cunning Punk easily side steps Bourne and catches his head just enough to help drive him headfirst into the fan barricade. Bourne looks to be completely unconscious in a crumpled heap on the outside as Punk smiles and casually rolls back into the ring. The referee begins counting Bourne out, and Punk counts along with him in a mocking fashion.
Bourne begins to stir around the 6 count. At 9 and a half, Bourne somehow musters the strength to roll back into the ring and stop the count. Punk is obviously agitated, but he doesn’t miss a beat in putting the boots to Bourne. He sends hard kicks to his ribs and chest.
Punk continues some vicious strike work before using his rare size advantage and powerbombing Bourne hard to the mat. He makes a loose cover….and Bourne kicks out at 2 and a half.
Punk rolls his eyes before picking Bourne up and Irish whipping him into the turnbuckle. He follows up with a climbing knee to the face, smoothly transitioned into a bulldog back in the other direction. Punk covers Bourne, this time hooking one leg deeply.
Again, Bourne kicks out at 2 and a half.
Punk runs some frustrated hands through his hair before picking Bourne up and battering him into a corner with some absolutely vicious kicks and elbow strikes. Punk measures up and connects to Bourne’s temple with a sickening head kick. Punk covers, this time hooking BOTH legs. Bourne doesn’t kick out this time.
However, he does manage to shoot his hand out far enough to grab the bottom rope and stop the count at 2.9.
Punk is irate. He begins choking Bourne with a deranged look in his eyes. The referee administers a five count, but Punk keeps his hands clinched around Bourne’s throat. The referee signals for the bell.
WINNER: Evan Bourne via disqualification
The sound of the bell makes Punk even angrier. He picks up the lifeless Bourne and drills him with a Go To Sleep. Immediately, he picks him back up and hits ANOTHER Go To Sleep. The referee pleads with him to stop, but Punk shoves him away and hits a THIRD Go To Sleep on Evan Bourne. Punk rolls out of the ring and grabs a folding chair from the outside. He climbs back into the ring with it and places it around Evan Bourne’s neck. Punk climbs to the second rope, looking to do some rather serious damage to Bourne.
Cue Ric Flair. He bolts to the ring as fast as his old body will allow him to. Flair dives into the ring and tackles Punk off the ropes and to the mat. Flair is like a rabid dog as he unleashes a flurry of punches and headbutts to Punk. EMTs rush the ring and attend to Bourne as the Punk and Flair brawl continues to the outside. Flair shoves Punk up against the fan barricade and nails him with repeated chops. Each one is responded to by a loud “WOOOOOOOOO!” from the fans. After the fifth chop, Punk decides to cut his losses and hops the barricade, scurrying off through the crowd. Flair gives a “WOOOOOOOOO!”, before going to check on Evan Bourne with the EMTs.
Fortunately, Bourne is able to walk out under his own power, using the shoulders of The Nature Boy and an EMT as support.
The Miz’s theme song hits as he and Christy Hemme make their way to the ring. The Miz makes a ‘loser’ sign on his forehead as he passes Bourne on his way down the aisle. He doesn’t notice Christy Hemme stopping and checking on Bourne to make sure he’s OK. The Miz gets halfway to the ring before realizing that Christy is still attending to Bourne. He goes back, snatches Christy by the arm, and scolds her all the way down to the ring.
***COMMERCIAL***
The Big Show is the next to enter. He slaps hands with some ringside fans before stepping over the top rope and appealing to the crowd some more.
Chris Jericho is the last to enter, and it is clear that he means business. He pays no mind to the crowd and their negative reaction as he makes his way to the ring.
THE MIZ v. THE BIG SHOW v. CHRIS JERICHO
[i]The three men size each other up as the bell sounds. Noticing that the two of them combined don’t quite equal The Big Show, Chris Jericho and The Miz combine their efforts and charge at The Big Show simultaneously. Big Show catches The Miz’s punch with one hand while he drives a big boot into Chris Jericho’s face. Show pulls The Miz up by his arm and tosses him over the top rope to the outside. Christy rushes to The Miz’s aid as Big Show turns his attention to Jericho.
The Big Show connects with some vicious body blows to Chris Jericho while The Miz recuperates on the outside. The Big Show continues to easily dominate Jericho until Jericho catches him with a basement dropkick to the knee. The Big Show falls to one knee while Jericho springs up and catches him with a nicely placed enziguiri. The Big Show reels on his one knee but doesn’t fall. Jericho quickly climbs up to the second rope and hits a missile dropkick right into Big Show’s face, which finally causes him to fall all the way to the canvass.
The opportunistic Miz takes this as his cue as he slides back into the ring and starts putting the boots to the fallen Big Show. He stops for a second to give Jericho a high five. Jericho is clearly reluctant, but he high fives the Miz while he falls into a corner to catch his breath. The Miz continues his assault, mounting the Big Show and lighting him up with vicious left hands.
After a bit, Jericho decides to join back in on the party. Jericho and Miz help each other pull The Big Show to his feet. They set him up for a double team suplex, but Big Show blocks and reverses, flipping both men to their backs with a double suplex of his own. Jericho and The Miz both roll to the outside of the ring for safety.
Chirsty Hemme has a different idea. She hops up on the apron and smiles seductively at the Big Show. She does a sexy dance and motions for him to come towards her with her finger. The Big Show shrugs and makes his way towards her. While this happens, Chris Jericho finds his way back into the ring. He rushes the Big Show from behind, but Show sidesteps and Jericho connects with an accidental elbow to Christy, sending her flying into the fan barricade.
The Miz finds his way back into the ring. He surveys the Christy damage and begins yelling at Jericho. Jericho doesn’t listen for very long before he slaps The Miz across the face. The Miz is irate as he tackles Jericho to the ground. The two wrestle around, trading punches and position. The Big Show leans back in a corner and watches, seemingly amused with the implosion of the short-lived team effort.
Alex Riley and Chris Masters make their way to ringside in their lettermen’s jackets. Riley immediately goes to check on the fallen Christy Hemme while Chris Masters pulls The Miz out from under Jericho’s boots and to the safety of the outside of the ring. Team Awesome huddle up and attempt to regroup on the outside.
Inside, Jericho and The Big Show are alone again. Jericho signals that he wants a test of strength with The Big Show. The Big Show laughs out loud. Jericho screams at the Big Show to be a man and test his strength. The Big Show shakes his head and finally agrees. As he moves in to lock hands with Jericho, Jericho quickly jumps up and thumbs the Big Show in the eye. Jericho ducks a wild haymaker from the giant before jumping up again and thumbing the Big Show’s other eye.
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