[Nowhere Man]

*some spoilers, I guess*

It was a decent attempt at recapturing a big over-the-top "thrill ride" adventure movie, but Van Helsing ain't exactly Indiana Jones when it comes to making that sort of thing enjoyable.

The plot was shot full of more holes than Sonny Corleone in The Godfather. MVP already covered the biggest plot-holes, and there was just some things in there that REALLY should have happened but didn't. I don't know about you guys, but I was dying to see Dracula and the Frankenstein monster throw down for a few rounds. Instead, Van Helsing steals the spotlight again and becomes an uber-huge werewolf (why he's different than the other ones is beyond me) and kills Dracula. If they really wanted to have the vampire/werewolf fight, why not just use Anna's brother, since his family was supposed to kill Dracula in the first place?

Granted, it was rather cool to see the old classic monsters re-imagined. The werewolves in particular were pretty shweet, although I don't remember werewolves ever being able to climb on walls like the creatures from Aliens. Dracula's brides had their moments, although their voices were awfully annoying. And what was with Dracula's little Oompa-Loompa followers? I don't remember them ever being in any movie or book or anything before. The cameo of Mr. Hyde at the beginning was nice, but I really wish they could've gone all-out with that and brought in a few of the other lesser monsters for cameos. The water sequence would've been a few notches cooler if, say, the Creature from the Black Lagoon showed up.

As for Dracula, I did like the new guy's interpretation of him, but I really wish they'd gone with the classic Bela Lugosi-type that we know and love. Also, the gigantic monster version of him just looked rather silly.

If there's one thing about the movie that disappointed me the most, it's definitely Frankenstein's monster. The opening sequence of the movie (the re-creation of the famous "windmill" scene) had me all excited, because it looked like they were going to keep it close to the old movies. It seems like the monster should be a critical point to the movie, maybe even take out Dracula himself, and he ends up being a total non-factor in the long run. I'm glad they made him more verbose, like the original Shelley monster, but his voice just got on my nerves, especially since he DOESN'T DO SHIT throughout the movie. Damn, people, is it really that hard to write a film icon into the plot?

All in all, Van Helsing was a huge disappointment. They brought back so many awesome monsters, and for what? To have them all job to Hugh Jackman. No awesome monster-vs-monster battles, no classic curses or even a coherent storyline. Just Jackman trying to be the next big adventure hero, and an overdose of computer effects. A triumph of matter over mind, you could say.

(edit: Lon Chaney wasn't Dracula. I was thinking Bela Lugosi)