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Originally Posted by Saints turn
Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. "Is you taking notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy?" Even though this is the Internet and even though column space on the Internet can scroll on forever, there STILL isn't enough room here to express how badly the Saints buttfucked their way through this entire offseason. It's one thing to have a super-top-secret bounty program in place for years and years and years (despite the fact that players come and go to other teams regularly and can blab about it at any time). It's another thing to put that program IN WRITING, to have your begunted nutjob of a defensive coordinator codify your bounty program into a series of slides that make the average Tripod site look current. How fucking stupid do you have to be to let this go on? Don't you know that the Ginger Hammer is just waiting to wipe his freckled scrotum all over anyone who dares cause the world to notice that football is a violent sport? IDIOTS.
And the best part about all this is that the Saints doubled down on the stupid and handed the interim head coaching job to a guy who is himself serving a six-game suspension. Then they got into a contract squabble with Drew Brees, who is only the most important player the franchise has ever had and probably will ever have. It's as if, in January, the Saints looked at themselves and were like, "Jesus, we've gotten wayyy too functional and successful. THAT'S NOT WHAT THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS ARE ALL ABOUT GUMBO ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE!" And then they spent next few weeks cramming in as many bad decisions as they could so that they could reclaim their identity as the most incompetent team in football. Unfuckingbelievable. This will be the most senseless 9-7 season in NFL history. Also, Drew Brees is going bald.
2. DURRR I'M A SAINTS FANS GUMBO GUMBO CRAWDAD GUMBO. I always like to goof on friends I know from NOLA for continually thrusting their Cajunness upon everyone, but they're not alone among New Orleans natives (and transplants for that matter) who spend every goddamn waking hour telling you how much more special their culture is than yours. Well, I have been in the crowd with Saints fans before, and I can tell you that they are SHIT. They're the worst fucking fans in football. They can't handle their booze. All of them are way too fucking loud. Teeth are optional among them. Most of them are virulently racist. And none of them knows a goddamn thing about football. You'll be standing there trying to watch a game like a normal person and some Saints fan 20 rows back will somehow yell loud enough to be heard over every other element around you, screaming, "BOY ITELLYA SEAN PAYTON HOOBOY BEST DEFENSIVE COACH EVER GUMBO KATRINA DIRTY RICE." One day, I'm gonna go to New Orleans and I'm gonna take photos of everything in that city that is wholly unremarkable. Some shitty gas station. A townhouse. Any bar that isn't outfitted like a fucking voodoo museum. A Gap. Then I'm gonna make a Tumblr site called "NEW ORLEANS: YOU FUCKERS AREN'T THAT SPECIAL." And it will make me happy. OTHER CITIES ALSO MAKE GOOD FRIED CHICKEN, YOU PROVINCIAL PUTZES.
3. Mark Ingram: Kinda shitty! Every carry Ingram got last season was more or less out of obligation, as if Sean Payton were saying: "Christ, we can't throw the ball and run Sproles every play, can we? We have to give the draft pick SOME carries." If you're expecting Ingram to suddenly become a beast this season, you are sorely mistaken. The Saints are the kind of team that throws four times after getting 1st-and-inches at the goal line, then finally converts on the fourth attempt. I can't tell you how annoying it is to own a running back in fantasy who is so clearly the token ninth option on a fantastic offense.
4. Holy shit, this defense. No Tracy Porter. No Jonathan Vilma for a year. No Will Smith for four games. Bear in mind that this is the same defense that allowed Alex Smith to throw for two touchdowns in the final 2:18 of last season's divisional playoff loss. And now it's somehow even worse. The season hasn't even started yet and Vernon Davis has already caught 500 yards worth of passes against it. GOOD THING MY MAWMAW MADE THIS HERE BLACKENED GUMBOLAYA HOOWEE SOMEBODY GIT ME A WASHBOARD AND A SPOON SO WE CAN HAVE A BOUCHERIE. Whatever. Eat shit.
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