[ColdwaVer]

WWE PATERNITY

A new reality series from World Wrestling Entertainment

Lita is pregnant, but who's the father? We won't reveal that tasty little fact until the end of our new reality show, wherein the potential daddies, Kane and Matt Hardy, will live under the same roof for nine months, learning what it takes to become a good father.

Month One: Proper care
Each potential father is given a sack of sugar to care for for a week. Kane returns his burnt to a crisp; Matt's is split at the seams after he attempted to teach it to bump off a ladder.

Month Two: Feeding
Kane scalds himself while testing the temperature of baby formula on his arm and proceeds to destroy the kitchen; Matt suffers a horrifying injury after attempting to breast feed.

Month Three: "The Talk"
Faced with explaining the birds and the bees, both Kane and Matt do the sensible thing: let Mommy handle it and go to a bar. Lita, meanwhile, botches The Talk and ends up teaching the group of fifth grade students to remove creosote from a chimeny. Consequently none of these children goes on to ever have sex.

Months four, five, and six: reruns are played because the programming department gets lazy.

Month Seven: Birth Control
Matt and Kane are educated in the art of how this could never have happened.

Month Eight: Parenting Basics
Vince McMahon attempts to teach the boys how to raise kids in the business, but then Shane comes in and takes a bump off the couch, and Stephanie walks in demanding to be put back on TV, and Vince decides to talk about his new Extreme Dodgeball League instead.

Month Nine: The Birth
Lita finally gives birth. In a stunning and nonsensical turn, Rikishi is announced as the father. He claims he did it for the Rock, at which point it is discovered that he has been smoking weed with Jeff Hardy for years. They go on to become Tag Team Champions. Matt, Kane, and Lita are buried so far that they strike oil, and the child becomes the youngest superstar to ever job to HHH.