Triple A

In one this time.

Peter: A job? Lois, the 70's are over.
Meg: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left dad alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet.
(flashback to house being a giant puppet)

Peter: Hey! Hey! Stay outta here. Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!

Peter: If we don't get enough airtime, I'll never get my own spin-off where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... in the center of the earth.
[Theme song music plays]
Peter(as bartender-umpire): Say! We don't get many of you molten-rock men in here...
Rock-man: Well, at these prices, I'm not surprised.
Peter: That's it buddy, YOU.....ARE....OUTTA HERE!
[Crowd cheers]

Brian: You know what would be fun?
Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Quagmire: So, were you, like, in an accident, or what?
Seamus: No, me father was a tree

Peter: "The new owners gave everyone raises. Even Kenneth the badass mail clerk with a heart of gold"
Peter starts flashing back
Peter: "Hi Kenneth did I get any mail?"
Kenneth: "No, and if you come any closer I'll slice you"
Peter: "Okay, okay. *Peter walks away* Man what a badass"
Worker: "Yeah well that badass just gave half his paycheck to orphans... Orphans with DISEASES."

Stewie: Oh yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
[Brian, Peter, Stewie, and Chris sitting in living room wearing tuxes with top hats, each holding a glass of port]
Stewie: The port is quite good.
Brian: Yes, quite good.
Chris: Indeed.
Peter: Most certainly!
Brian: What year is it?
Chris: 51.
Peter: Ah.
Stewie: Delectable.
Brian: Indeed.
Chris. Yes.
[Peter bursts into flames]
Peter: Oh dear.
Brian: What is it?
Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie: Well I am sorry.
Peter: Oh it's quite alright, I've grown tired of living.
Stewie: Ah, very good then.
Chris: For the best.
Brian: Yes, indeed.
Stewie: Is it raining again?

Peter: If you could be with one chick, who would you choose?
Cleveland: Margaret Thatcher
Everyone: EW, UGH.
Cleveland: OH, SO NO ONE HERE THINKS POWER IS SEXY. NOT ONE PERSON HERE THINKS POWER IS SEXY.

Servant#1: More coffee madam?
Lois: I can get that Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on.
Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Servant#2: Your eggs are cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Servant#2: I can't, sir. It's liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail and I'll promise you I won't make it easy for you.

Daggermouth: Perhaps I can offer you a glass of port. And you, a glass of starboard. Ha ha ha! That's a little nautical humor. I'm a fish, you see.

Peter Griffin: So what happened to the guy that stole the money?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, when I fell on him I severed his spine.
Peter Griffin: Sounds like you got some more competition at next year's Special People's Games. HehHehHehHehHeh.
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.

Black comedian: ... That ain't how it happened! Some brother just fell in the ocean.
Crowd: (laughs)
Peter: Oh yeah I remember that, and all those seals died... It was all over the news... The channel 2 news with Dan Rather? ... Actually, come to think of it, I think Connie Chung might have been filling in for him that night... Wellll... 'bout time for me to be hittin' the old "dusty trail"... I like your hat... Oops, can't get out that way... [alarm goes off] Found the emergency exit.
[next scene]
Black teacher: (says something about African American history)
Peter: [Arsenio Hall chant] [everyone looks at him] ... Well... I should probably be "saddlin' up" now... [alarm goes off] Whoop, found the fire door.

Brian: Remember that time you narrated your own life?
Peter: "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois knocks Peter unconscious.] I woke several hours later in a daze."