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I'm a fan of him like I'm a fan of herpes and hemorrhoids. I hate him with such a preoccupation that I've studied up on his career to work out how he could possibly be so bad. Someone joked that he must have fucked my missus or something, but I want him in my life so bad I would welcome him to make a rational enemy out of me.
Fuck Eli Drake and anyone that supports his career. He might be a nice guy in real life or whatever. I don't wish harm on him. I just want him out of a field of entertainment I want to enjoy, but can't, because I know that somewhere, somehow, money that could go to feeding someone with talent is being siphoned to that hammy hack.
He's been wrestling since 2002. He has as much experience as Shinsuke fucking Nakamura. There is no reason that a a 16-year veteran of the business sucks so bad. He's 35 years old and looks like a balding accountant that moonlights as a stripper in his spare time because his singing career hasn't taken off, because he fucking sucks. We all know losers like Eli Drake, because we all know fucking losers. That TNA made him a World Champion is indicative of why they are completely irrelevant as a wrestling promotion and why no one will ever take them seriously, and their perpetual existence is a running gag.
The thing is, I'm sure he tries hard and has improved since I saw him. That is the saddest part. He's not lazy or phoning it in. This is what he can muster. That is what 16 years of trying to be a professional wrestler have amounted to. He doesn't completely fall over his feet and tries to cut a promo like The Rock and fails. Congratu-fucking-lations.
Eli Drake is the uncle that laughs at his own jokes and slaps people on the back, spilling their drink onto their shirt and calls them "champ," but has a thousand-yard stare because deep-down they are miserable because they know that their entire personality is a propped-up lie.
Fuck Eli Drake. Best of luck in his future endeavors or whatever. If WWE signs him, and they probably will, I will 100% boycott whatever show he is on, even if Shinsuke Nakamura and AJ Styles are in the main event and Becky Lynch does hardcore porn on it. I will not illegally stream content he appears on. I wouldn't deliver the reel to a dying child if it was their last wish should he appear on it. He is the dirt worst and I dare someone to try and defend his position in the wrestling business. I fucking dare them.
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